Thursday, January 2, 2014

2013 and 2014 Blended Together in Tears

I know that some people were partying when the clock struck midnight and 2013 faded away into 2014. I know some people were asleep. I know some were awake but not partying, maybe they were working or worrying about loved ones who were out partying.

I was laying in my bed sobbing. Yes, I ended 2013 in tears and entered 2014 the same way.

It wasn't New Year's that was making me sad. I like New Year's. I am usually asleep because I know when I wake up it'll be 2014, and it isn't necessary for me to stay up until midnight. I was sobbing because my heart was aching.

My heart had been aching for just over a day at that point, and until an hour ago my heart was still aching. Why? Honestly, that is not important for this post. Sorry, this is a between-me-and-God thing. But the process isn't just between Him and I.

It started with a late-night sobbing session that left me with a piercing headache and heart that ached horribly. I managed four hours of sleep and then was up with the furry babies who demanded food. The day however was spent in tears. I prayed. I read the Word. I poured out my hurt to God. I listened for His Voice. But mostly I cried. I finally managed to pull myself out of bed to shower and attend a get together with my family. But when I got home I climbed into my bed and journaled and prayed. My dog decided that she need to stay outside until after midnight barking at the people shooting off their fireworks, the obviously illegal ones based on how loud they were, so while she was outside I laid in bed and cried.

Yesterday, I downloaded three albums of  one of my favorite singers, Laura Story, onto my MP3 player, and listened to them and let the words speak healing to my heart. I also prayed and prayed and prayed. I continued to ask Him to help me with the grief. Every time satan whispered in my ear I told him where to go, in Jesus' Name, and once again prayed that God would take it.

My emotions over the last three days have included: anger, loneliness, heartache, and a fear that I would not shake the sadness and ache. I have read more verses in the Bible over the last few days than in any same three day span. I have read from a wonderful book, Breaking Free by Beth Moore. There are healing words in the book that helped. I listened to the songs on my MP3 player over and over again. I prayed and prayed and prayed. And I cried.

Today, I hoped that maybe I would be able to be beyond so much of the hurt. I tried to do some projects. I tried to read. I tried to sleep. No matter what I tried, the feelings of ache washed over me again and again. I even started to wish for my vacation to be over so I could go back to work, where I would be too busy to feel so much. I crawled into bed to listen to my songs, journal, and read. After I read Psalm 34, it happened. The veil fell and with it came the realization that it was over. The ache was gone. I was able to forgive and knew that I really meant it. I was able to thank Him for taking the ache. I was able to cry tears of relief and joy.

Why did it change in an instant like that? I am not completely sure. I only know that it was almost three full days, and He does amazing things after three days. I also know that He uses the pain and heartaches in our lives to work a good work in us and through us. I do not know what the ultimate glory will be from these three days, but I do know that He will be glorified.