That might accurately describe the person I once was and the person I find myself becoming again. And it scares me to death!
When I started this blog I was finding my voice. I was sharing part of me and what God has given me to share. In August, I asked God to tear down a wall in me and the floodgates opened. I have felt weak, vulnerable, and small. I have felt very unsure of myself. Sadness, anxiety, and fear have become parts of my life in ways they never had before. I feel like the more I let go of, the more I grow the worse they become. The worse they become the more I want to shut up, verbally and emotionally. I feel like I have no defense from people, the Enemy, even myself.
I have always felt little desire for God. That makes me very sad. I have enjoyed a close relationship with Him and I have missed desiring to be with Him. The less time I spend with Him, the less I hear His voice, the less I have to say. I find myself praying the sad little prayer of, "God, I don't know what to say! I don't have anything to say!" I feel shut up even with Him.
This morning it made me angry! I want to be better. I want to be free. I don't know if the walls I built around my life masked the sadness, anxiety, and fear. Now that the wall has crumbled, or is crumbling, they are exposed in me. Some how it seems very unlikely that God would remove the wall and bring those things into my life. Therefor, I have to believe that they were already there to begin with.
I can say that over the last 10 months I have grown in so many ways. I know God has brought so much healing to my heart. He has helped me become free of things in my past. But over the last month or so I have felt this intense silence. I have taken some hits this last month or so. At work, I experienced an expected blow. Because of it I needed to speak up for myself, which isn't normal for me and was hard but freeing. Unfortunately, I am still waiting for resolution of that issue. Another issue at work, this one human related, has me frustrated and completely at a loss. It's one of those nothing-I-do-is-right situations. I have also had a relationship struggle over this time period, that I feel ill-equipped to deal with. In each of this cases, God has asked me to do one thing. Be still!
Even though in these particular situations I hear God telling me to be still, I also know that He is saying speak up. In one situation He did ask me to speak up for myself, but then He said be still about it. I don't know if He will ask me to say anything again or in the other situations. I do know that He wants to hear my voice.
He wants me to start talking with Him more. Even if it's just a bit more than "I don't know what to say". He wants me to speak up when He gives me something to say. I don't need to just go spouting off or anything, but when I know I am to speak then I need to. This post is one of those times. I haven't blogged in over a month, but knew today was the day to write. Today was the day I needed to stop being silent too long.