When It's Out of My Hands

"Can I really let it be out of my hands?

When it's out of my hands"

Those two lines of Building 429's song, Fear No More, jumped out at me and hit me right in the middle of my plotting brain. I was driving to a local coffee shop to meet a friend to work on some online PD, and my mind was replaying a phone conversation I had earlier this morning, actually two phone conversations. One brought my doubts to the surface and the other made me wonder why no one else put 2 and 2 together like my brain was thinking. I started to figure out how I could manipulate, yup manipulate people into seeing the two 2's and make me the answer. My brain was right in the middle of, "I should call ___ and ask her to..." when those lines from the song interrupted my thoughts. 

"Can I really let it be out of my hands?"

Can I really stop wanting things done now? Can I really stop trying to get things done my way? Can I stop the manipulating thoughts and even words and actions? Can I really stop trying to tell God how to do it? The answer is simple, yes. but it isn't easy. 

When someone asks, "how are you remaining so calm?", it's simple to reply, "I know God's got this." But it's not easy to just let Him. It's simple to pray, "Lord, let your will be done." But it's not easy to really mean it. It's simple to say, "I know God's going to make a way where there is no way." But it's not easy to stare into the unknown and believe when all you see is vague and shadowed. It's simple to put on a smile and make others think your okay with the unknown and waiting. But it's not easy to hold back the tears while you're driving in your car alone. It's simple to pray day after day after day for months, years, for a a man I do not know. But it's not easy to believe God actually has a husband for me who is benefiting from those prayers. It is simple to find things on Pinterest for "the kids". But it's not easy watching mothers with their kids and wonder if I'll have that desire fulfilled. 

"When it's out of my hands"

It is! God tells me on an almost daily basis because my faith is that small, "be still", "I'm fighting for you", "wait patiently", and "do not fear". He reminds me that it is out of my hands. I can't make the job appear. I can't make the judgments of me change the opinions people have. I can't make a man fall in love with me. I can't make a child suddenly appear in my life. I can't make money fill up my bank account. I can't stop the unexpected from happening. Those things are out of my hands. 

I can only do what I know God has called me to do. "Ask, seek, knock", "expect Him to do above and beyond what I can ask for", "wait and see that the Lord is good", and "know that the battle belongs to the Lord." Every time I try to make things happen the results are bad, sometimes devastating even. But when He gives me an action step to take and I take it, I see the puzzle pieces being put into place. I don't get to see the box. I don't know what the finished masterpiece will look like. God doesn't even place the edges first. He puts one piece next the ones already in place. He already knows the image on the box, and He knows there are no missing pieces. 

When it's out of my hands, I can really let it stay out of my hands! I can simply trust that everything is in His hands, even when trusting isn't easy. 

A Longing Unfulfilled Gives Me Time for Others

God knows the desires of my heart. He knew them before I did. As a little girl I longed for one thing when I grew up; a husband who loved me and a house full of children. With each passing month, I find myself doing the math, knowing the biological clock is winding down. I'm much older than I tell my students I am and older than most people guess. People only a few years older than me comment about how they are so much older than I am. I just smile and say, "I'm much closer to your age than you think." When I sit in the quiet of my home the day after our annual grade level trip, I realize just how much my heart still longs for something it has wanted for so very long.

On Wednesday, I sacrificed my sweatshirt to be used as a pillow knowing it would probably be thrown up on, and it was. On Thursday, I sacrificed my front seat on the bus and a sit-down dinner to remain by another who was sick. The funny thing, ironic funny, is I didn't mind. I still don't. For just a little while, I got to know what a part of my desires fulfilled would include: I got to sacrifice for a child. It might seem weird that such sacrifice would bring me joy, but it does.

I was able to be something for them in their time of need. I realize that in my position, I get to do that all the time. Sometimes it is purely being someone they need for academic purposes, but other times it's someone who listens to their concerns and fears. Sometimes it's to listen to their silly stories and corny jokes. When one of them grabs my hand and swings it as we walk I always let them. It's what is needed in the moment. If one says, "can I talk to you privately?" The answer is always "yes". When one cries, asks for advice, tries to trick me with a silly riddle, or says "did you see that?" when they did something amazing, I might have to sacrifice the moment that I should be doing something else, something teacher-y, but I gladly do. If at all possible I take that moment that that one needs.

One time I didn't. One time I didn't listen when one needed me. One time I didn't sacrifice the fun time I was having to just be there in the moment. Months later that one was lost forever, and I will always regret the moment I didn't take, the moment I should have sacrificed what I wanted for what someone else needed. Others don't understand that I will never purposely ignore the one who needs me in the moment again. How can they unless they've made a similar choice with regretful results? I might not realize that there is a need and not give the time sought, but I will not do that on purpose.

Is that longing still there, the longing that includes sacrificing time to a husband and children of my own? Yes, and I try really hard to have faith that God knows why the longing is still unfulfilled. Maybe I couldn't be what I need to be for the hundreds of students I have had over my years of teaching if it had been. Maybe the reason I can be there for them is because I don't have what I want. Not that I want to sacrifice my heart's desires, I really really don't, but if waiting means I am helping someone else, then I guess I can wait a little longer.

Waited Two Days!

Most people know the shortest verse in the Bible. "Jesus wept." John 11:35. Many of those people know it's in reference to the death and resurrection of Lazarus. They know, and some giggle, when Martha, Lazarus' sister, tells Jesus that his four day old corpse stinks. They know that Jesus arrived too late to heal Lazarus before he died. Wait, what? Jesus arrived too late! Or did He?

There are these incredible nuggets of Truth found in the beginning of the chapter. I'll let it speak for itself.

"Now a certain man was sick, Lazarus of Bethany, the town of Mary and her sister Martha. It was that Mary who anointed the Lord with fragrant oil and wiped His feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick. Therefore the sisters sent to Him, saying, "Lord, behold, he whom You love is sick."

When Jesus heard that, He said, "This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it."

Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when He heard that he was sick, He stayed two more days in the place where He was.  Then after this He said to the disciples, "Let us go to Judea again." John 4:1-7

Okay, you shouldn't have missed it, especially since I bolded it, but go back and look at each word carefully. It starts with "so" which means you need to look at the sentence before it. Jesus loved them, so when he heard Lazarus was sick he waited. HE WAITED! Aren't you thinking He should have hurried up and headed for Bethany when He heard the news? Especially since He loved them! He could have gotten there in time! In time for what? To do another miracle of healing the sick.

Now, I'm not making light of His healings. They were miracles, and they brought many people to believe in Him. But at this point, near the end of His time on Earth, a simple (for Jesus) healing wasn't going to cut it. Lazarus needed to die. He needed to be dead, and buried, and stinking. Jesus needed to stay away until then, because He loved them. Most of the other people He healed He didn't know. Well, He knew them because He's God, but He didn't have an earthly relationship with them, but He did with Lazarus and his sisters. His healing of the others brought Him believers, and skeptics, and He could heal them and go on with His day. Why was this time different?

In verse 4, He basically is saying this sickness isn't about death, but about glory for God. Everyone, except for Jesus, is focused on the sickness and the resulting death from the sickness. Jesus knows what will happen after the death and that is where His focus is. He knows that Lazarus will come out of the tomb and many more will come to believe in Him, and some will go an tell the religious leaders what He has done. He knows that will further motivate them to seek to put Him to death, which will ultimately lead to His death and resurrection. This story isn't just about Lazarus and his sisters after all!

The story doesn't stop there. It continues today. He still waits, sometimes two days, sometimes two months, sometimes two years, and sometimes much loner than that. He knows all about the sickness, trauma, struggles, finances, and dangers in our lives. He loves us, just like He loved Lazarus, Martha, and Mary, so He waits. He waits until what seems like death, and sometimes until it really stinks, and then He comes. Why? Because, He sees beyond what we see. He sees how this awfulness of our lives will bring about His glory and bring others into relationship with Him. He could come and stop the sickness, heal our hurt, or give us that clear direction we seek, but He loves us enough to wait. He waits until the right moment. He could have left for Bethany as soon as He heard, because Lazarus would have been dead two days instead of four by the time He could there, but He waited. Maybe Lazarus was stinky enough yet from only two days in the tomb. Jesus needed him to be good and smelly, so He waited. He waits as much time as needed in our lives too. He waits until others, and even ourselves, can't possibly see anyway out except death of some kind, death of an opportunity, a dream or a relationship.

The rest of the story is that Jesus does raise Lazarus from the dead. He does gain others who believe in Him. The rest of your story? My story? He does wait because He loves us. He comes exactly on time, when He will be most glorified. Does that mean the wait isn't as agonizing as it was was Lazarus, who most have suffered before he died? Or for his sisters as the watched their brother die, prepared him for burial, and watched him be buried? Does that mean that it won't be for each of us as well? Unfortunately, no. It will be, but we can trust in the Truth that He loves us. And that is why He waits.

While I'm Waiting

The words of this song have been going through my mind a lot lately. I even wake up with the words of the chorus running through my thoughts. The song is called "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait


I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait


I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord




I always have the same question when I hear them, "how do I serve you while I am waiting?"

This is the problem with summer vacation. I look forward to it each year but about two weeks in I start to get restless and feel like I have no purpose. During the school year my purpose is quite obvious, and although draining at times it is fulfilling because I know that is my calling. The few days of rest, sleeping in or going back to sleep after feeding the demanding cats and dog, and staying in PJ's way passed the time I would be in school doesn't fulfill the times of feel directionless and purposeless.

Now, I am not waiting for school to start again. That will happen again in middle August. Honestly, I am waiting for what happens after I turn 40, and that is next week. A few years ago I felt that 40 was a significant number for me and I had no desire to wait until I turned 40. I thought I would never make it. Now it is less than a week away. I am both excited and a bit apprehensive, okay mostly apprehensive.

One thing I want more than any thing is to be married and to have a child. Even though this is what I want I fear it too. I listen to the radio and they do these snippets about family and marriage. The name of it escapes me right now, but I am sure it plays on many Christian stations. They are good, helpful, practical helps for husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, and children. At times these helps scary me to death. And the memories of my parent's marriage and others that have not been successful make me scared to death of being married. Not to mention, I see the failure of those who are supposed to protect and care for their children and instead damage them. I know parents make mistake and I fear screwing up a child.

What does this have to do with the song, well that is what I am waiting or, even though it scares me. So as I wait how do I serve? Like I said, that is my question. I also said in the summer it is hard for me to find purpose. I don't want to just start doing the things everyone does to serve, not that many aren't worthy, but rather I know they are not the way He is asking me to. How do I know? Because I have tried. I felt less close to doing what He wanted when I tried to do what others did or what others expected. So I will continue to ask the question until God gives me the answer.

A Promise Made

This is one of those posts where I don't know what I'm going to write, but I feel a need to write. So here goes...

Who's for doing something? I mean anything. It has to be better than waiting, right? I mean I see the need and I have a plan to fix it. It might be risking, but it'll be worth the risk. Okay, so now it's time to give it a try. No, don't pray about it. Just do it! Oh, that didn't go as planned. Oh, that went horribly, actually. Now, now the need is even worse off than before. Why?

I have never been the rush-into-a-situation type of person. I usually think about it, wrap it around in my mind over and over again before doing anything. Sometimes that's a good thing. Sometimes that's a bad thing. So, I figure I want different results. You know, if you want different results you need to do things differently. With the biggest area, potentially, of my life I go and make a plan (I'm also not a planner) and rush right in.

Results? Things seem to be worse. Well, how about trying again? Okay, make a new plan, think about this one a little longer, and then go for it! Um, yeah that didn't work either. So what to do? How about keep trying, little things, big things, doesn't matter, each and every time ends up badly.

Then I decided to make a change. A promise, a hard one. I will do nothing without direction from God. I will do nothing without praying about it. I will do nothing. Do nothing?! Yeah, and it is so hard. It is so painful. It feels like forever, but it really hasn't been that long. Doors seem to open a crack, but God doesn't give the green light. Deep sigh, and keep my promise.

I think about Sarah, when she was Sarai, and how she made a plan, a very bad plan. A plan that she regretted, even despised. I don't ever want to be like her. I don't want to create an Ishmael in my life. I don't want to create an Ismael in the lives of those I care about. I don't want to create an Ishmael that will do damage even beyond my own life.

So, I wait. I walk out a hard promise and I pray, oh, how I pray. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I smile because I believe that God has a plan. A perfect plan. A perfect time. And when I forget that and feel like breaking that promise, instead I wait.

In Due Time

You know what? Waiting is hard!

It doesn't matter what you are waiting for, good news, bad news, someone to show up, and especially God's timing, it is hard! And I have to admit it, "I don't it!" :)

A friend ask me to pray for her waiting situation, which very well be over. I was honestly happy for her. I can't say that I am honestly happy for people when they share there waiting-is-over news. I just think about how I still am, and I get...honesty time...jealous! I know that it's not right to be jealous, but it's the truth. I was glad to realize that for her I was actually happy.

Today I was driving home and asking God about my waiting. Not the usual, "how much longer?" but rather, "why do I even want it?" I asked Him, "why can't I just be satisfied with how things are? Why do I want something I don't have, may never have?" Then a song came on the radio and the line "the same God who leads you in will lead you out" played. I smiled and felt it was for me to hear.

When I got home I feed the furry babies and grabbed the laptop ready to check email and Facebook for any exciting news...I know,I know most of the Facebook news isn't really news. Then I came across this post and I knew it was for me. And in due time Hannah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Samuel, for she said, “I have asked for him from the Lord.” I Samuel 1:20.

I do not know the answers to my questions that I asked God today, but I do know that He makes promises and He keeps them. I know that like, Hannah, all I have to do is ask and trust. I do not know how He will end my waiting, but I know He will. I also know that once this wait is over there will be another one after it. I hope that I learn the lessons necessary in this waiting time to help me trust Him more in the next waiting time.

So in due time!