Not Sure What to Title This

I have considered writing this post for awhile and thought I couldn't possibly. I thought it was seem so pathetic. So whiny. So needy. So honest.

For the last few weeks I have cried every day. Most times two or even three times. I cry on the way to work. I cry on the way home. I cry when I'm on Facebook. I cry when I hear the good news. I cry as I read my Bible. I cry myself to sleep. I am crying right now.

Why?

Each and every day I am smacked in the face with others having the one and only thing I have ever wanted. When I was a little girl I became a Christ Follower. I remember that moment. I see my little 9 year-old self sitting in that chair in the church and bowing my head and asking Jesus into my heart. That day I changed. It wasn't long after that day that the dream started stirring in my heart. It grow and grow and became the only thing I have ever truly wanted.

I know satan hates the dreams God plants in us. I know he wants to see them die. He also knows how to use them to hurt us. He knows how to put in the knife and twist. That has been what has been happening to me lately. I can barely go through my day without others shouting my dream in their lives from the roof tops. I hear all the announcements, celebrations, and new beginnings and I smile. I smile because good news should be meet with smiles. They should be congratulated. But deep inside all I want to do is run, run away and cry.

I am not looking for pity. I have seen those looks. I am not looking for words. I have been told so many well-intentioned words that really didn't help; sometimes they even hurt. I am not looking for Christianese. That is shallow. I am not even looking for Scriptures. People have shared them over and over. I am looking for my dream to finally be fulfilled. I am looking to cry for joy!

Not by How I Feel

I am reading Ezekiel. I believe God told me to read it, so I did. I keep reading it and wondering why God asked me to read it now. It is one of those books full of God telling Ezekiel to tell Israel what He is going to do because of their sin. Last night I read something that jumped off the page.

Ezekiel 20:10 says, "I acted out of who I was, not by how I felt..." (The Message) The verse goes on, but this was the part that jumped out at me. Do you know who is talking here? God! He was saying He didn't destroy Israel because of His promises, regardless of His feelings about their sins. He said this four times in this chapter. They worshipped idols, despised His laws, desecrated the Sabbath, offered their first born as sacrifices to idols, among other things.

They gave Him plenty of reasons to be angry. It doesn't say that God wasn't angry. He was! God still felt the anger. He didn't say being angry was wrong. The Scriptures say to not sin when angry. I have heard people say that anger is wrong. Well, if it is those people might need to tell that to God.

But God acted out of who He is not His feelings of anger. I'm a woman. I have emotions. Sometimes those emotions are out of whack. Sometimes they are overwhelming. Sometimes I let them rule me. Okay, maybe more than sometimes. But I can act out of who I am and not how I feel.

Who am I? God's workmanship - Ephesians 2:10, His child - John 1:12, chosen by God - Ephesians 1:4, a precious jewel - Malachi 3:17, a new creation - 2 Corinthians 5:17, and I am loved 1 John 3:3. I could go on and on.

Well, I am annoyed with some people, really annoyed. I still feel angry at them. I wanted them to know I am angry. My passive aggressiveness wanted me to let them know. Then I remembered what I read last night, "I acted out of who I was, not how I felt..." So I decided I could react, let my emotions lead me, or I could act out of who I am. Am I still angry? Yes. Will I let myself react? I am trying really hard to learn the lesson I believe God showed me last night. I am trying to act out of who I am, not how I feel.

Something To Say

I've been told I'm stand-offish, stuck up, and snobbish. I've been told I'm insightful, a good listener, and that I only speak when I have something important to say. I've been told I'm quiet. Too quiet!

For those who really know me, I've been told I ramble, as my Mom once said, I talk in run-on sentences. I run on and on and on. My report cards often said, "talks too much". That of course was back in the day when teachers were honest and didn't have to be sensitive.

So when did it change? When did I go from talking too much to not talking enough? Why did I go from chatterbox to shut up tight? Why didn't I find some happy medium? Why do I always think of something to say afterwards? Why wasn't I able to come up with the words to tell someone how I felt? Why did I let silence build walls between friends and some people I truly care for?

I don't know the answers, maybe I never will. But I have heard God speaking to me for the last couple of years and he's been saying that I have something to say, that He has something He wants spoken through me. So now the important work begins. I can't speak what He wants me to unless I listen to what He says. I need to delve deeper into God. I need to spend more time with Him. I need to be obedient, and not let the fear take control, and speak when He tells me to.

So, I guess I'm letting you know, don't be surprised if I start speaking more and soon. Because I have something to say!

Stirring

For about 2 weeks now I have gotten this stirring in my gut. Many time it is at school but the kids are gone, I'm busy getting ready for the next day and this stirring happened. I keep wondering "what is this?". Oh, I know Who it is, but what is it. I know the Holy Spirit is stirring, but I don't know what to do with it. I just get the stirring, no direction, just a stirring. I stop and ask Him what I am I suppose to do? Is there something I should say? Something I should do? Someone I should seek out? Should I just be quiet? So far no answer, just the stirring. Some days it is stronger than others. I just hope I listen and don't miss whatever He is stirring me for!

Courageous

cou·ra·geous/kəˈrājəs/

Adjective: Not deterred by danger or pain; brave.

 

For the past few mornings I have woken up with Casting Crowns' Courageous running through my head. Then my clock radio comes off and the program on 91.9, Family Life Today, has been talking about a book from a series called A Call to Courageous Manhood. Now I'm not a man, but I do find it interesting that that is what is on.

 

Which make me think about my favorite book of the Bible, Joshua. God tells Joshua, more than once, to be strong and courageous. I am sure that he needed to hear it. What I really love about Joshua is that he is courageous and he does go in and take the land. I wish I was like Joshua!

 

I wish that I could hear God telling me to be courageous and actually be! Oh, I believe He is telling me but I feel less than courageous. I looked up the meaning and thought, "no, that doesn't describe me." Right now I feel anything but courageous. I want to be! I want to laugh in the face of danger. I want to push through the pain and step into the Promised Land. I want to see the giants and know that I can fight them in Him. 

 

Honestly, I am wondering about what I am going through right now. I miss something I really didn't have, just wished I did. I miss people who meant a lot to me. I have hoped and prayed to move on, to move past it. Why is God telling me to be courageous? Why are all these thoughts and feelings stirring up? I really don't know, but I know He has a plan. I will continue to trust, and hope that I can be strong and courageous in Him.

What If I Was Honest?

Last night I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry away all the pain and longing that I was feeling. Well, eventually I did curl up and cry myself to sleep. I woke up and the pain isn't gone and the longing is still there, but sometimes the cry is just necessary. I have never been a big crier. I was always a "stuffer". I stuffed all the mean things people said or did down and put on a smile. I stuffed all the pain of relationship difficulties. I stuffed and stuffed and stuffed!

About 5 years ago God started to work on removing some of the stuff. It would have been nice for Him to just take all the stuff away and it didn't hurt, but that's not how He did it. He's been removing the stuff and helping me not to stuff it down. There are still times when I am really bad at it. Last night was one of those times.

I pulled myself together, dried my eyes, and grabbed my cake and went to Life Group. I was driving there and wondering about just driving right by and keep going. I turned into the development, drove on towards my destination. I went to the cal da sac and turned around and came back by the house and parked. All the while still wanted to drive away. I sat there for a minute or so, checked my eyes to make sure they weren't teary or red and climbed out of the car. I went in and the mask went on.

Then we had the study "What If We Were Honest?". It was about sharing sins and struggles and holding each other accountable. Did I say anything? Nope. I certainly didn't think the ache of my heart was what we were talking about. Well technically it wasn't. But what if I had been honest and shared my hurts? I had no desire to go into any details and share the hurts and aches, but part of me did. Part of me wanted to pour it all and have it be gone. The problem is I knew it wouldn't be gone so I didn't bother.

Well, the evening ended, I didn't get to take any leftover cake home because the cat and helped himself while we weren't looking. So I just grabbed my purse and headed to the car. Drove about 30 seconds and the tears just poured out. I drove home, climbed into bed and cried my eyes out. This morning I still hurt, I still ache, I still wanted to cry, but I also wondered "what would this morning be like IF I had be honest and shared last night?".

Harmless?

Today I was working in the yard. I planted some tulips and pulling some weeds. I pulled a weed and found it was thorny and a vine. I was glad for my gloves, even though a few thorns got me through them. Then I realized there were lots of them and many were intertwined with some of the plants. I had to get out clippers for the more mature ones that were thick and too hard to just pull out. As I continued to work I realized that they were every where. What should be a nice flowering shrub was almost completely over taken by this weed. I had to pull, tug, cut, and untwine this nasty weed.

Then I felt God speaking to me. He showed me that I am like the shrub. I let harmless little weeds get around my base and then let them grow up with my branches. Before I know it they are wrapping themselves around me. Then I notice the pain of their thorns digging into my branches and their leaves growing up and covering mine. I start to change and instead of looking like a pretty flowering shrub I become a mass of vines.

Then I need the Master Gardener to come and remove the vines. He pulls, tugs, cuts, and untwines. Oh, it hurts! I get my branches pulled out of their place. I see the clippers coming so close to me that I think I'm going to get cut. But then I start to realize that my branches don't hurt anymore. There are no thorns digging into me and no vine intertwined with me. I am free.

How did those thorny vines get wrapped around me in the first place? I let them! Yup, I let those seemingly harmless things into my life. I thought how can it hurt me, it's just a little thing. I can look back over my life and see some of those vines. Thankfully, God has removed them. But I need to ask Him to examine my heart and reveal the vines that are there now. Then I need to let him pull, tug, cut, and untwine those things from my life. Most importantly I need to ask Him to open my eyes to see them little "harmless" weeds for what they are and not allow them to become a part of me. Thankfully, He is the Master Gardener and is always ready to weed to keep His creation beautiful.

New Name?

Yesterday I was getting ready for bed, thinking about my book I've been reading and how I haven't blogged about what I've been reading in a long time. I have been reading, like crazy! My Bible, a study to be ready for my Life Group, some of my favorite fiction books, and now with school starting, books for school. I just haven't been blogging. I LOVE blogging so it's not that I don't want too. It's not even that I don't have time to, although that can be true at times. I think it's that God has been speaking to me so much, in so many different ways that I can't keep up! What a wonderful problem to have!

I also decided that maybe I should consider changing the blog from my thoughts from what I read to my thoughts on what God is showing and speaking to me. So I am thinking of a new name for the blog. Any suggestions?

I am looking forward to blogging again soon! Maybe later today! :)