Last night I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry away all the pain and longing that I was feeling. Well, eventually I did curl up and cry myself to sleep. I woke up and the pain isn't gone and the longing is still there, but sometimes the cry is just necessary. I have never been a big crier. I was always a "stuffer". I stuffed all the mean things people said or did down and put on a smile. I stuffed all the pain of relationship difficulties. I stuffed and stuffed and stuffed!
About 5 years ago God started to work on removing some of the stuff. It would have been nice for Him to just take all the stuff away and it didn't hurt, but that's not how He did it. He's been removing the stuff and helping me not to stuff it down. There are still times when I am really bad at it. Last night was one of those times.
I pulled myself together, dried my eyes, and grabbed my cake and went to Life Group. I was driving there and wondering about just driving right by and keep going. I turned into the development, drove on towards my destination. I went to the cal da sac and turned around and came back by the house and parked. All the while still wanted to drive away. I sat there for a minute or so, checked my eyes to make sure they weren't teary or red and climbed out of the car. I went in and the mask went on.
Then we had the study "What If We Were Honest?". It was about sharing sins and struggles and holding each other accountable. Did I say anything? Nope. I certainly didn't think the ache of my heart was what we were talking about. Well technically it wasn't. But what if I had been honest and shared my hurts? I had no desire to go into any details and share the hurts and aches, but part of me did. Part of me wanted to pour it all and have it be gone. The problem is I knew it wouldn't be gone so I didn't bother.
Well, the evening ended, I didn't get to take any leftover cake home because the cat and helped himself while we weren't looking. So I just grabbed my purse and headed to the car. Drove about 30 seconds and the tears just poured out. I drove home, climbed into bed and cried my eyes out. This morning I still hurt, I still ache, I still wanted to cry, but I also wondered "what would this morning be like IF I had be honest and shared last night?".