Who Would Have Guessed They'd Have Anything in Common with Rahab?

There are people in the Bible who I have been able to connect with; many that I could see myself reflected in their stories, their fears, their failures, and even the way God moved in their lives. One person I never thought I had all that much in common with is Rahab. Yesterday, I realized that I do have something in common with her; I think most of us do.

Rahab had an unrealistic faith in a God she had only heard stories about. She was the only one in the whole city of Jericho who believed in this God and that He was all powerful. She asked to be saved from the impending doom that was coming; from the complete destruction of her people. She hung a scarlet cord out her wall-dwelling window and waited. Waited for the Israelites to cross over the Jordan, on dry land. Waited as they marched around the city over a seven day span. Waited as the walls began to creak, shift, and crack. Waited while fear spread throughout the city. Waited while walls crumbled around her home. Waited while the Israelites spread out through the city to capture it. Waited until they came and saved her and her family from all the death and destruction around them.

I never really thought about her waiting before. I never thought about the worry and fear that she must have felt. I never thought about how her rational mind must have fought with the deep knowing of her heart that the God of the Israelites was the One True God. I never considered how it felt to live in the midst of Jericho falling. I honestly never thought about it at all. Somehow in my mind I saw it all as the Sunday School lesson: she hid the spies, she helped them escape, the Israelites walked around Jericho, the walls fell, and she and her family were saved. Neat and tidy. No fear. No worry. No massive crumbling stones. No death screams. No need to escape through a battle.

I may never face a real life situation anything close to hers, but spiritually, that's a different story. Take any step of significant faith and a battle will begin. The battle within between my rational thoughts and a deep heart believing faith in His Promises. The battle to believe when others won't. The battle of hearing satan's lies and trying to ignore them and shut them out. The battle to take doubt and fear thoughts captive. The battle of waiting and waiting and waiting. The battle to wait and see how God will win.

I realized that I am a lot more like Rahab than I would have ever thought. I hope that my faith is like hers. She might have had doubts, I don't know how she couldn't, but she stayed inside her home and believed even as the unthinkable raged around her. I want to believe what my mind can't fathom. I want to hang out my faith cord and stay firmly standing in the place He has me in while I wait. I want to come out of the battle, free and seeing the familiar around me as more than just my home, but as my Promised Land. I want to be more like Rahab and be a woman who believes in God above all else.

How Can a Football Game Cause Fear?

I grew up in one of those small Upstate New York towns where during football season most people went to the games. Unlike many high schools, there were no lights so home games were played on Saturdays. The home side had no stands, but rather a hill that fans camped out on or moved up and down the field with the play. I enjoyed going to home games and going on occasions to Friday night games when they played a local town. I liked watching football on TV. I had a favorite team, still do. 

This past Friday, I planned to go to a high school game. I got ready and waited until it was time to go, but as I waited fear grew within me. I often do many things by myself including go to games. My close friends are not "go to Friday night high school football game" friends, so I planned to go alone. I'd rather go with others but I'm okay with going alone. Yet, as I waited I dreaded the idea of possibly sitting among people I didn't know or didn't know well. I let the fear of being alone in the midst of a crowd eat at me. 

It was cluster night, which meant that the elementary schools and the middle school that feed into the high school would have students and staff there to represent. My last school is in this cluster. Although there are many that I would love to see, there are a few I would gladly never see again in this lifetime. I let fear of seeing them crowd my mind and heighten my anxiety. 

As the time to leave for the game came I busied myself with something tedious and let the time pass. I let fear win. I forgo doing something I enjoy because of fear. Why do I continue to let fear win battles? 

When I was younger, I thought the Israelites were so foolish. That was how they were presented in church, as people who were foolish and that we were somehow wiser than them. We would shake our heads at the silly choices of them. How could anyone linger in a desert for 40 years instead of entering the Promised Land? How could they fear the people there, when the Lord had already parted an entire sea for them to cross over and on dry land no less? He wiped out their enemy who sought to destroy them right before their eyes as the walls of water came crushing down upon them. Ha, how can I still let fear keep me in my own wildernesses? How can I forget the times He destroyed my spiritual enemies right before my eyes? 

I want to enter the Promise Land and not let fear win the battles in my mind and of my heart. I want to look fear in the face and remind it that the Lord who crushes enemies has already won. I want to go to football games and anywhere else without fear of loneliness or fear of seeing others who have hurt me. I wish I was brave enough to just let God deal with the fear and move in the life He plans for me.

I no longer think the Israelites to be foolish, at least not anymore foolish than I am. I wish to be like Jacob and Caleb who entered the Promised Land and declared it good and that it belongs to the Lord. I long to enter into the parts of life that are potentially fearful and walk in the full knowledge that the Lord goes before me and guides my every step.

The Biggest Lie of My Life

I'm not sure why on July 22, 2019 God has asked me to share something I don't believe I have ever shared with anyone. But He just brought it to my heart and mind and said "share". I know my blog audience is small, it's much smaller than it used to be, but God has been churning out posts this month for a reason. So here goes.

People often say that you will never forget your two birth dates, the one one which you were physically born and the one that you were spiritual born on, but I can't tell you one of them. It's not that I don't remember my conversion experience because I remember most of it quite well, but rather it's because it was the first time that I know of that satan spoke to me. I hear stories of people's saved experiences and the joy of that time is so evident in what they say. I don't have that experience. Mine brought me shame for years!

I was 9 years-old and my two brothers and I were invited by a friend to a Kid's Crusade meeting. I remember sitting in the room with my brothers right next to me as this woman shared with us about Jesus. I don't remember exactly what she said, but I remember enjoying it and wanting the things she was sharing. I wanted Jesus! The point in the meeting came where everyone was to bow their heads and close their eyes and if they felt like they wanted to accept Jesus they were to pray the words she spoke. I prayed them! I wanted Jesus! I felt the warmth of Jesus coming into my heart and a smile spread across my face. Then we opened our eyes and she asked us to either stand up or put our hands up, I don't remember which, if we had prayed the prayer and accepted Jesus. That was when satan spoke to me.

He told me I couldn't do that. He said I wasn't good enough to claim I had accepted Jesus. He asked me, "what will people think of you if I admit you needed Jesus? Won't they think you are bad?" So while others around me, including both of my brothers declared they had accepted Jesus I just sat there. I was embarrassed. He convinced me that I wasn't worthy of claiming salvation. That wasn't the end of his lies, because when I told my mom I had accepted Jesus he spoke again, "no you didn't because you did stand (or raise your hand)." The day that should have been the most exciting day of my life was ruined by lies.

This went on for years. I can remember being in middle school and thinking that I wasn't saved. Satan told me over and over again that because I didn't declare Jesus before those other kids I was not a Christian. He told me that it didn't matter that I had my very own Bible that I read. He told me it didn't matter that I went to church and Christian school, that I sang about Jesus and talked about Him and even loved Him. He told me none of it mattered because I listened to him on that day when I was nine and didn't declare it.

I can't tell you exactly when, but I know I was a teenager when I finally stopped believing the lies. God finally broke through the web of lies satan had spun and assured me that I was saved. He assured me that I had declared before others time and time again my salvation. I remember feeling the joy and freedom of that realization. I guess that it is what others felt when they had their conversion experience.

I've wondered over the years why satan worked so hard to convince me. Who am I that he would work so hard? I'm not going to claim that I had it any harder than my brothers, but in some areas of my life I have. Just like in some areas of their lives they had it harder than me. Why didn't try to convince them? Why did he just pick me to torment with these lies? I have felt since I was nine years old the tug of satan to pull me off track. He succeeded from time to time, but God always lead me back. I would think as a mid-aged woman (this is the first time I've considered myself that) that by now I would know. I would have seen what he worked so hard to prevent. I know my teaching is a ministry and I hope that the boys and girls who I have taught were ministered to by me. Somehow I don't think that's it though. I feel like there is something more to my life, something more important that I am made for. I believe satan wanted me derailed so that I couldn't get there. Once the lies were exposed he moved on to other areas to lie to me about and the biggest area of my life that has been affected is my relationships with males.

My earthly father was not a good example of a husband or father. I kissed Allen on the playground when I was five. That makes me giggle a little, because that's all I remember about him, his name, but it was my first "relationship". I never had much in the way of boyfriends when I was young. I had a couple boyfriends in middle school, but one relationship ended so badly it soured me from relationships for years. I liked a boy in high school, a lot! He and I were great friends and spent a lot of time together in the library, but my feelings for him were much stronger than his for me. I asked him to my senior dinner (my Christian school had no prom or formal) and he agreed to go with me. My mom and I went dress shopping and bought shoes and I had my hair done. But he never showed up. I went through the evening, which I can tell you barely anything about, with a fake smile on my face and a heart that was broken. I went to college and had a few crushes, but never pursued any relationship. There was this one guy, Joe, who I spent a long evening with in the ER. That's a totally different story. After that, when he would see me he'd say "hi" and be friendly, but I was so unsure of myself I blew it and he stopped trying. It was years before I liked anyone again, and looking back I can see that my motives were based on the fact that I loved his son as if he was my own and not that I really loved this man. But I plotted and manipulated and tried too convince God he was the one. He wasn't and now I can say I am glad that God said "no!"

I can't say for 100% certainty that my future marriage is why satan has been so actively trying to divert me throughout my life, but I do believe God has a husband all picked out for me. I doubt that too, but I believe it more that He does than that He doesn't. I don't know what it is about me possibly being married that satan would try to stop it. But I do know that at nine I was saved and he started lying to me, and at ten my heart's desire to have a family, a husband and a whole bunch of kids, was birthed in me. Someday I hope that all my years of waiting, crying, and attempting to be pushed off track will result not only in a marriage to the man God has picked out just for me, and the child(ren) He has chosen me to mother, but a testimony that satan realizes he failed to stop from happening. I hope that God will give me insight and words to share of His amazing miraculous working power. I pray that my testimony will minister to others and give them hope. I want to declare through my marriage and family that God does indeed restore all the years that they locust has eaten!

Tears in a Bottle

"You have kept count of my tossings;

put my tears in your bottle.

Are they not in your book?

Then my enemies will turn back

in the day when I call.

This I know, that God is for me.

In God, whose word I praise,

in the LORD, whose word I praise,

in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.

What can man do to me?" 

Psalm 56:8-11

Today my heart aches, but it has been aching for about 5 months. I have tossed a lot and cried many tears. It comforts me to know that God collects my tears, He knows every toss and turn. He's heard my prayers and my praise. I'm not sure how much longer these present troubles will be, but I know He has plans, good plans, that will equal and exceed all the tears. He never said, "don't cry your tears" instead He collects them. He uses them to water my soul, heart, and mind and He grows something more beautiful than I can think or imagine. Some day I will praise Him for the fruit produced during this season, but right now I praise Him for counting and collecting and being with me every second bringing me comfort and peace beyond my understanding.

When It's Out of My Hands

"Can I really let it be out of my hands?

When it's out of my hands"

Those two lines of Building 429's song, Fear No More, jumped out at me and hit me right in the middle of my plotting brain. I was driving to a local coffee shop to meet a friend to work on some online PD, and my mind was replaying a phone conversation I had earlier this morning, actually two phone conversations. One brought my doubts to the surface and the other made me wonder why no one else put 2 and 2 together like my brain was thinking. I started to figure out how I could manipulate, yup manipulate people into seeing the two 2's and make me the answer. My brain was right in the middle of, "I should call ___ and ask her to..." when those lines from the song interrupted my thoughts. 

"Can I really let it be out of my hands?"

Can I really stop wanting things done now? Can I really stop trying to get things done my way? Can I stop the manipulating thoughts and even words and actions? Can I really stop trying to tell God how to do it? The answer is simple, yes. but it isn't easy. 

When someone asks, "how are you remaining so calm?", it's simple to reply, "I know God's got this." But it's not easy to just let Him. It's simple to pray, "Lord, let your will be done." But it's not easy to really mean it. It's simple to say, "I know God's going to make a way where there is no way." But it's not easy to stare into the unknown and believe when all you see is vague and shadowed. It's simple to put on a smile and make others think your okay with the unknown and waiting. But it's not easy to hold back the tears while you're driving in your car alone. It's simple to pray day after day after day for months, years, for a a man I do not know. But it's not easy to believe God actually has a husband for me who is benefiting from those prayers. It is simple to find things on Pinterest for "the kids". But it's not easy watching mothers with their kids and wonder if I'll have that desire fulfilled. 

"When it's out of my hands"

It is! God tells me on an almost daily basis because my faith is that small, "be still", "I'm fighting for you", "wait patiently", and "do not fear". He reminds me that it is out of my hands. I can't make the job appear. I can't make the judgments of me change the opinions people have. I can't make a man fall in love with me. I can't make a child suddenly appear in my life. I can't make money fill up my bank account. I can't stop the unexpected from happening. Those things are out of my hands. 

I can only do what I know God has called me to do. "Ask, seek, knock", "expect Him to do above and beyond what I can ask for", "wait and see that the Lord is good", and "know that the battle belongs to the Lord." Every time I try to make things happen the results are bad, sometimes devastating even. But when He gives me an action step to take and I take it, I see the puzzle pieces being put into place. I don't get to see the box. I don't know what the finished masterpiece will look like. God doesn't even place the edges first. He puts one piece next the ones already in place. He already knows the image on the box, and He knows there are no missing pieces. 

When it's out of my hands, I can really let it stay out of my hands! I can simply trust that everything is in His hands, even when trusting isn't easy. 

A Pruning Session

As I was wrapping up another episode of God Showed me Something About Me: the Pruning Edition, I smiled and said, "God is this bloggable or is this just between us?" Yes, bloggable is a word because I just clicked Add to Dictionary when it said it was spelled incorrectly. Obviously, He said, "bloggable."

This morning I posted about watching two episodes from The Chat with Priscilla, and this evening I was intrigued to see what other episodes she had. I scrolled through them and found another part 1 and 2 and these were with her siblings. I clicked on part 1 and listened to her and her older sister speak and I heard pearls of wisdom, that they either learned from their experiences or from their parents. One that I think is so freeing is about parenting. Her sister, Chrystal, said, "Adam and Eve had the perfect parent and they messed up." They discussed that children have to make their own choices and parents have to let them own their choices. Parents can pray and support but they can't fix their children's choices. Part 2 continued as their two brothers joining them and the four of them shared some of the things they learned through life and from their parents. I took away many pearls of wisdom from listening to them.

When it was over, I started to talk to God. Most times I converse with Him as if He is sitting right there, rather than in a "traditional prayer" way. I've always been the one who looked up when people say "let's bow our heads and pray", especially outside I love to look up at the sky. I don't do that to rebel, okay maybe sometimes I did, but because I feel that as I talk to Him I should be taking in what or who He has created. Sometimes I do close my eyes when I pray, especially when I cry to Him, but not often. Anyway, I started talking to Him in a conversational way about what I took away from The Chat, and in particular what I gained from Chrystal's quote above. For anyone reading, who doesn't know I do not have children, nor am I married. Put I do have a few children that God has placed on my heart, some I only know about, I don't actually know them. I pray for them often. Sometimes I pray for them as a group and sometimes individually. As I said, some I don't really know but as I pray for them I believe Holy Spirit gives me insight into how to pray. For the ones I know, and their choices, I started to pour out my thoughts to God for them based on what Chrystal said. Soon, I found myself in tears praying for them, but also realizing that I want them to be good for me. I remembered a time I had asked one to do something for me, something that was hard to do and I knew it would be a challenge. Well, a few days went by with great follow through and then one day a 180 happened. I was so frustrated by the behavior, but as I talked to God tonight, I realized I was more bothered that it wasn't done for me than I was that it wasn't a good thing to do. I was expecting their decisions to be made to please me rather than to do the right thing because it was the right thing. I felt a pruning snip with that realization.

As I continued to talk Holy Spirit started to show me things for another child, one I don't really know. I saw confusion and a glimpse of a bad example that was potentially defining for this child. I felt this intense need to pray against generational curses that may be at work. That lead me to talk with Him about generational curses in my own family. I poured out prayers of thanksgiving for ones broken, as well as prayers against those that still effect members of my family, even myself. As my time talking to Him about this area ended I felt another snip.

God made me realize that He is still preparing me to be a wife and a mother, or mother figure. He spoke into an area in me that needs some snipping. I have always wanted others to see me in a good light and therefor I needed to be super. The biggest area in my life where this is evident is that I must be Super Teacher. Not that I expect that I will be the best teacher ever; that I know I am not. Yet I wanted others to think of me in that way. Super Teacher is the one parents request. Super Teacher is the one kids say, " I hope I get her as my teacher next year." Super Teacher is respected by administration and other teachers. This year, Super Teacher took some significant hits, and today I realized that part of the reason it hurt so much was because I can't be, shouldn't strive to be, Super Teacher. As that pruning snip became evident this evening, I also realized some of that wife/mother-to-be preparing include breaking the false thinking that I will be Super Wife and Super Mom. I planned, and yes I know it's completely crazy to expect it of myself, to be Super Wife. I planned to always be loving, to always respect and honor, to never argue with him, to be the perfect wifey. God made me admit that there will be times I don't like my husband. There will be times he will say or do something and I won't want to honor him. There will be times I will be selfish and pouty and definitely not Super Wife. Likewise, He showed me that I won't always be the Super Mother I had convinced myself that I planned to be. I won't always be smiley, let's bake cookies or make a craft, or go to Chick fil a and enjoy a meal and playtime in the playroom. Snip. Snip. Snip.

This internal pruning session continued as one area I talked with about He lead to another and another. I cried and I laughed and I learned more about myself. Next week I'm getting my hair cut, and I know it needs to be done. I look in the mirror and I think it looks heavy. My hair tends to bounce when it gets cut. If I say only take off an inch, but the stylist thinks that's too little and cuts 2 or 3, my hair bounces even more and ends up looking much shorter than it actually is. I have had more than one apologize that they cut too much off and I just have to smile and say, "that's why I told you my hair bounces up when cut." I hope that this evenings pruning session do that for me. Make my bounce up and be lighter, healthier, and happier. None of us likes being pruned, but I am thankful for my time with Him this evening and the things Holy Spirit revealed to me to help me pray for others, but also to have pruned away from me.

Disclaimer: my current stylist always cuts just the right amount. She's amazing! 😁

You Fulfill Me, Well Not Exactly

Not a video link, just a photo from The Chat with Priscilla

Most of us have seen at least one movie where the cheese line "you complete me" or "you fulfill me"  has been uttered. Those of you who love Hallmark movies, especially the Christmas ones subject yourselves, I mean enjoy watching, characters say this line or something close to it. The line nauseates me. Could you tell? Why do we keep hearing it movies and TV shows? Because people believe it is possible. Well, I don't. Well, not exactly.

Yesterday, I was watching a cute animal video and as it ended the next video came up and it was "What Men Wish Women Know" part 2 from The Chat with Priscilla. I had no idea there was such a thing! Well, I was intrigued but thought I should look for part 1 and watch that first. A quick search and I was watching Priscilla Shirer talking to five men, one being her husband and another her brother, about what women should know about men. I was intrigued but what these men, four of whom were married and one not, had to say about various topics regarding what men think, feel, and need. I had to watch part 2 as soon as part 1 ended. It was an hour of my life that I am very glad I experienced. Why? Not just because I learned something about a man that I hope will help me in a  relationship with one (hopefully soon). But a deeper understanding come to light for me. Bear with me as I try to explain. I'm not sure I will do as well explaining it as God revealed it to me, well, I'm sure I won't.

The saying, "you fulfill me" is inaccurate, but not completely wrong. As a teacher, I have a part of my very existence that needs children in order for it to be fulfilled. I can plan a great lesson, set up a warm and inviting room, and attend meetings (okay, those are rarely fun) but without the kids I am not a teacher. The time I spend with them, the discussions we have, the moments they get a new concept, or the joy they find in exploring books, problems, adventures, fulfill the part of me that is a teacher. I need them. I need to impart something into them for that part of me to be fulfilled. I think that might be why the summer months, although very much needed and enjoyed, leave me feeling unfulfilled. People still call me a teacher when I'm not at school, but without the kids that part of me that needs them feels empty. 

Not everyone is a teacher, so let me explain it another way. Let me try friendship. We are drawn to people who we have something in common with, but more than that, we are drawn to people who speak into our lives. A friend should encourage our dreams. A friend should share in our joys and sorrows. A friend should, gently, point out our wrong thinking and help guide us back to the right path. A friend should be someone we pour into, not just someone we take from. I can call myself Friend only if I am doing that for others. If I'm not, why would they want to be around me? To fulfill the friend part of me, I must invest in others, otherwise the relationship is meaningless. It is unfulfilling. 

So in a love relationship, in my case, with a man, he fulfills a part of who I am not just by his mere presence, but rather because I am needed to nurture the part of him only a wife can. He needs me to encourage him with his dreams he can't tell anyone else about. He needs me to speak truth into his life. He needs to know I feel protected by him. He needs to know I feel provided for, not just materially but also that my heart. He needs to know I believe in him, support him, cherish him, love him. He needs to know that he is my one and only. When I am able to do and be that for him, the part of me that is called wife is fulfilled. I need him in order to have that part fulfilled. I am fulfilled not because he has embraced me and kissed me like in all those movies, but because that part of me is fulfilled as I do my part to be his wife. If I am just in the relationship to have him take care of me then I will never experience the fulfillment of being a wife. I think that is part of why marriages fail. The wife doesn't take care of his heart and the husband takes take care of her heart. They don't do the work that fills the needs in their partner, so they feel unfulfilled and that is the beginning of the end of their relationship. 

If all the parts of who I am are doing what they need for the others in my life then I will experience the fulfillment I long for. 

Disclaimer: I know that our ultimate fulfillment comes from our relationship with Christ. But God expects us to go out and fill the parts of us He created us to be, whether it be sibling, friend, parent, spouse, or in our occupations. He called us to do for others in those roles. When we do what He has called us to do we experience fulfillment. It is an interesting catch 22, in order to be a teacher I need students, but if I don't do for them what they need I am just an adult in the room with them. I need them and I need to impart into them in order to wear the title of teacher. I hope this all makes sense. If not, I hope God will do a better job explaining it to your heart.

Oh, and by the way, I plan to check out more of The Chat with Priscilla videos. You can find them on YouTube. 

Hold Out Your Cup

Credit to newgenerationchapel.org

Another one of those "when is it going to happen" days. Trusting God to move mountains is hard. Today has been a roller coaster of emotions kind of day, no more like a roller coaster of thoughts kind of day. I started off smiling and excited. Then I cried as I thought of someone (not a bad cry, more of an overwhelmed by feeling cry, and unexpected). Then I prayed and felt peace. Then I cried again when an unwelcome offer appeared. Then I wondered if I was being a brat and should just accept. Then I crawled into my bed (okay I just sat on it since the sheets were in the wash) and read a new book, devoured it for a couple of hours. Then I checked on openings, okay I did that a lot today. Then I cried because there weren't any. Then I prayed, I actually did that many times today for various reasons, and asked for exactly what I want (I'm not good at asking for I want). Then I clicked on Facebook and found nothing new since the last time I checked. The same was true for Twitter, email, and Instagram. Then I click on Pinterest and two things showed up on the screen of my phone. The first said, "Stop worrying! I've got this! -God" and the second was the picture above. I didn't even look at this picture though, because I had already smiled and figured God had used Pinterest once again to speak to me. As I started to close the app, I saw it and was drawn to it. 

I know many people know Psalm 23 and consider it a favorite. I am not alone in this, but for me it is more than just some verses I enjoy. I recite them often, when I'm feeling low and when I'm feeling good. Sometimes only certain verses come to mind and I mediate on them. This morning, I read a prayer about trusting God and Psalm 23 was mentioned. For some reason "my cup runneth over" caught my attention, but I didn't think much of it. I thought of it again later in the day, but once again briefly. Then I saw this image and I realized something, that may or may not be profound. I have to hold my cup out. I always thought of it just sitting there on that table prepared for me before my enemies. It's part of the same verse. But this image caused me to wonder, the table is prepared by God for me but the cup is mine. If it's mine, where is it? Do I have it sitting out or shut up in a cupboard? Is it safely set aside so no one can tip it over? Is it behind my back because I am withholding it? I can say that I don't think I'm holding in my two hands, out to the One who longs to fill it to overflowing. 

I jumped onto my online Bible, typed in Psalm 23 and clicked on the tab that takes me to the Interlinear (the Hebrew), and clicked on the Strong's tab and learned "my cup" comes from unused root meaning "to hold together" and in some sort of container. I then clicked on "overflows" and it means "saturation, run over, wealthy, abundance". This made me think of another verse Ephesians 3:20 "Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us." As Priscilla Shirer would say "beyond, beyond". 

My doubt tells me that I will have to settle again for a position I don't want because I need the job. My doubt tells me that I will never marry My Beloved. My doubt says I will have to continue to watch other mothers love their kids and just be okay with that. I already said I have a hard time asking for what I want, and I need to come out from under that and ask. And not just ask, but grab that cup from where ever it is hiding, wrap both my hands around it, and hold it out to be filled to overflowing! Am is saying just because I want it I get it? No, but I need to ask. And I need to believe that whatever He pours into that cup will be beyond blessings for me. 

Imagine how it will feel to have blessings run down my hands and onto others near me! That is the true meaning of abundance!

Can and Will Are Not the Same

I believe that God can do the impossible in my life.

I believe that God will do the impossible in my life.

Do you see the difference? It's more than just in the wording of the two sentences. It's also in what I believe deep within me. One I believe wholeheartedly. The other I want to believe. Oh, I believe it in those soul-stirring moments of joy, but in the everyday do I? No, I don't.

I have seen miracles happen in the lives of others. I have marveled at what He has done. I have smiled as others gained long awaited answers to the prayers of their hearts. And I have doubted. Not that  He performed the miracle. Not that He marveled. Not that He answered their prayers. I doubt that He will do miracles like that for me.

In my life He has worked. A lot. I have seen His hand at work in my life, and not just in things others can see, like a house I wanted to buy or a new car when my 12 year-old ride was clearly on her last tanks of gas. Inside me things. Fears released. Healing of long-ago hurts. Changes of perspective. Sins forgiven. Heart softening. Still unbelief festers.

I pray along the lines of the Mark 9:24 "I believe, help my unbelief!" I am very aware of my unbelief, and I pray He would help my unbelief become belief. I know He can. I wish I believed He will.

I have a professional desire that I've toyed with for a few years now. But I worry that although I want it, it won't ever happen. I see no open door. I have knocked, many a time, but it has remained closed to me. Is it because it's not the right time? The right desire for me? Is something better in His plan? Or does my lack of belief that He will stop it from happening? Is He asking me to believe fully before He open the door? Not in a dog-and-pony-show way, a you-must-first-show-Me-you'll-believe-before-I-do-it way, but rather in a my faith needs to increase way.

There are other areas of my life where this is true too. It seems like anytime I tell God what I would like there's this nagging unbelief thing that quickly settles in and chases away a chance to believe. Today, I sighed, hit the submit button once again for a door. I sighed because I instantly went to my believe that He can but He probably won't. The can needs to change to will. Not that I can am trying to force Him to do my will, but my belief needs to change. If it's still the wrong door, I don't want it opened anyway, but that's not the point really. It's that I need to start believing that He is not just a God who can do the impossible, but rather that He will do the impossible. Even if that impossible looks different than what I want.

Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!

That Give-Up Voice, Ignore It

Every single day, for months now, I do arm weights. About a month ago I increased to 8 lbs dumbbells, and the difference between them and the previous 5 lbs ones is significant. I keep my exercise items in a small closet and every time I open the door I see evidence of progression. The 2 lbs weights that led to the 3 lbs weights that led to the 5 lbs weights. It's nice to have the visual reminder that I started off small and have gradually increased the weight. I can also see a difference in my arms, but they aren't tone yet, but are rather becoming toned. A work in progress.

But there were times along that way that I gave up for a time. They became flabby again. Then the process had to start all over again. Why give up?

I once lost a significant amount of weight due to working out for at least an hour a day, over a long period of time. I felt fantastic and was even within shouting distance of my goal weight. Then I started following the brown diet: brown rice, brown bread. I started to gain weight and couldn't figure out why. I was still working out an hour a day, sometimes more, but my clothing got tighter and the scale was no longer flashing lowering numbers up at me. I got discouraged! All that work seemed pointless! I stopped working out as hard and eventually stopped working out altogether. I later came to realize I am gluten intolerant and all the brown grains, especially my favorite, bread, were causing me to bloat. I let that bloat turn to fat when I stopped fighting against in by exercise. For about 4 months now, I have been battling back. I have a long way to go, but I am working and seeing results.

Losing weight, becoming toned, is not the only area in life that I have given up on something that I truly wanted. Off and on for over 30 years I have longed for my heart's desire. There were many times that I gave up on it as simply a pipe dream. I would solidify my giving up by adding to my internal wall and not letting myself hope too much, feel too much, believe too much. A few years ago I let God tear that wall down and would think about my heart's desire but not do much more than think about it. About 5 months ago, I started to do something a little different. I began to journal about it and pray for it. I wish I could say every single day, like the arm weights, but I haven't been that consistent. Lately, though I have prayed multiple times a day, specific prayers in the morning, but then the rest of the day I find myself sending up quick prayers. They can come at any time and for various reasons; something I saw causes me to pray; a particular feeling comes that leads me to pray; etc. I like looking back in my journal and seeing those figurative 2 lbs, 3 lbs, and 5 lbs weights. They are a reminder of how far I've come in my prayer life and my journey to have God prepare my heart.

This morning as I got ready to pray, I heard that Give-Up Voice. It literally said "why do you even bother?" I smiled and prayed anyway. I knew that voice wasn't from me. I knew who it belonged to. I realized that I must be close to something if that voice bothers to speak to me so directly. I have no idea how close, my human eyes see nothing different, yet he tried to convince me that lack of seeing anything means I should just give up. With my trust in God, because it certainly can't be in me or what I see, I know that I can keep exercising my prayer and preparing muscles. I can focus on my ultimate goal. Maybe I am just a few "pounds" away from my heart's desire.

I've Got to Let Myself Off the Hook

Have you ever been so engrossed in your own pain, your own confusion, that you don't think about other people's feelings? I'm going to guess the answer is "yes". Do you do things to protect yourself and ultimately some of those things did hurt others? Think about it and I bet you'll be able to think of a time when it did. I can say "yes" to both of these. Honestly, I think most of the time we are so caught up in our own pain that we fail to recognize that we have hurt anyone else. If we even realize it it is usually well after wards. Not long ago, I did hurt someone because of my own pain and although I didn't know it immediately, I did know within a couple of hours of it.

I debated about writing about what I had done, but then I realized it would need to be so cryptic because it isn't my hurt to share. What I can share is how the look on the person's face is burned in my brain. I can close my eyes and still see the confusion and hurt. In the moment, I didn't realize that I was the one who caused it. I was genuinely concerned about the person even though I was having one of those tears-are-ready-to-spill-any-moment days, but I decided that I was too emotional to speak to the person about it. I justified my inaction by thinking that my own emotions would just make the situation worse. Instead, I came to realize that my inaction actually did make it worse. If I had simply asked the person what was going on I could have quickly fixed the situation, but I didn't. A couple of hours later another opportunity for me to seek the cause of the pain came up. I wish I could say that I jumped at the chance to deal with it, but I listened to my own hurt and confused emotions and remained silent. Later that same day what I had done to cause the pain flashed in front of my face like a neon sign. The realization that I was the cause of the pain was like a punch in the gut, but still I did nothing. I rationalized that I would be able to deal with it, set things right, another day when my own emotions weren't so raw.

What do they say about "best laid plans"? Well, a day went by and another and before I knew it a week and then two weeks went by. I still felt the guilt of my unintentional pain causing and my inaction, but I felt that too much time had passed. The other person seemed fine and I convinced myself we could just move on without me saying a word. The problem was my mind couldn't convince my heart to go along with the plan. So weeks after I should have spoken up I finally did something to show how sorry I was. How was it received? Exactly as it would have been weeks earlier. The person realized it wasn't intentional, which of course they had thought it was, and they accepted my apology. Instead of the pain I saw weeks before, I saw a smile and relief. A relationship set back on the right path.

So why this morning did that pain-filled face flash into my memory? I think for two reasons: one is that I never forgave myself. I sought the person's forgiveness. I cried over how I made the person feel. I asked God to forgive me. But I never forgave myself. I didn't let myself off the hook and was internally still punishing myself for it. So I took the time to pray and accept forgiveness from myself.

Two is that I came to a deep understanding that no matter how much I try to be good, try to be right all the time, because I really do try, I mess up. I mess up because I have hurts and hardships and in the midst of them I don't think about others. I think back to when I was a kid and didn't get all that I needed from my mom because she was going through her own hurt and hardship. Obviously, as an adult I can understand and I hold nothing against her for it. But deep inside of me I decided that I wouldn't do that too. I decided that in my own strength I would try to always be right, to always be there for others no matter what. I can remember at one point actually thinking that I would never be the adult who would hurt a child. Wow! That's a tall and impossible order!

In my own strength, my own hurts, my own narrow vision, how could I ever think it was possible? I have been a teacher for 24 years, and worked with kids before becoming one, and I can think of plenty of times I hurt a child unintentionally. Why do I still cling to the idea that I can control this when the evidence is mounting that I can't. Why even as I type this do I still cling to it? How do I let myself off the hook from this impossible goal? I guess the only thing I can do. Let God have it. As I do this, as I let Him help me know I'm off the hook, I feel a weight lessening on my heart. Only He is good, and I have to try to be me, flaws and all. I have to know that although I won't mean to, sometimes I will hurt others. When that happens I need to seek forgiveness from them, from God, and the hardest one of all from myself.

I started this post to write about how today I sought forgiveness for myself and how I continue to work on forgiving people who hurt me. I guess God had other plans for this post. I guess He decided it's time to deal with this unrealistic expectation that I hold, well am trying not to hold anymore. I'm trying to let go of and let God have it. 

Create in Me a Clean Heart

I have noticed that God has repeatedly asked me to do less. What does that mean? Not that He asks me to sit around and do nothing but binge watch Netflix. There are things I have to do, the dishes and laundry just to name two. But the deep stuff, He asks me to let Him do. He is asking me to do less when it comes to the deep stuff. He simply says, "let go and let Me."

Last night I cried angry tears to God. I used to feel guilt about doing things like that, but He already knows the thoughts, feelings, and frustrations are there so hiding them in silence seems ridiculous. I'd rather have them expressed and out, then trapped in me whirling around and causing me to focus on one of my "favorite" past-times: overthinking. 

When I woke up this morning, one of my first thoughts was, "what verse will I post today?" (I have a Facebook page that I daily post sections of Scripture from a book of the Bible, and sometimes I post verses on a theme. Right now 30 of my favorite verses.) The very next thought was one that makes me sing, literally Keith Green's voice goes through my mind. It is Psalm 51:10 "create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit in me." My heart is angry and it needs to be cleaned and set right, so it seems timely.

Notice David asked God to do the deep stuff. I can't create a clean heart. I am incapable of such a thing, only God can do that. I cannot renew a right spirit in me. Once again, incapable. Only God can do these things. What can I do? Let Him. Look at the rest of the verses around this one in which David repeatedly asks God to do things he was incapable of: purge, clean, wash, hid, blot, restore, uphold. It would seem we can do these. I'm currently working on purge my stuff, but can I purge my inward most parts? No, only God can do that work. I have to be willing to allow Him to. 

Interestingly, after David asks for all this really deep work to be done, then he states something that he can do. "Then will I teach transgressors your ways, and sinners shall be converted to you." Psalm 51:13. It makes me think of when Jesus said "And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3 I have to let God remove from me the hurt, anger, envy, deceit, willfulness, oh, I could go on and on, before I can expect to help anyone else. 

There's this song about scars by I Am They, called, wait for it, Scars, that I think helps me understand this idea even more deeply. The chorus goes "So I'm thankful for the scars - 'cause without them I wouldn't know your heart - and I know they'll always tell me of who you are - so forever I am thankful for the scars." Scars mean wounds but they also mean healing. Some of those wounds come at the hands of others and some are self-inflected. Both need to be healed. David was wounded, just like all of us, and he was asking God to do the work in his life to heal him. Are the scars still visible? Yes, most are, but because they are we know who God is and we can then minister to those who need to know Him and turn to Him. 

I started this post still pretty angry at God. I knew I had to write it because I knew I needed to hear it. I knew it would soften my angry heart and remind me that although I hate the pain, I also long for the healing. I need to continue to let go and let God do the deep stuff in me. I want the wounds healed, so the scars can be used to remind of God's heart for me and for others. 

Longing to Belong

"A desired fulfilled is sweet to the soul" Proverbs 13:19

The Bible cradled in my arms was my baby that I gingerly laid down a a bed made from my coat. The sermon was just noise in the background. My mind was lost in a dream of being a mom to that precious Bible baby. A dream that has lasted a lifetime and involved many baby props.

This memory is one of the most vivid ones I have. I considerate it the moment my heart's desire was born. The desire to have my own family, husband and children was birthed on a hard metal chair in a crowded sanctuary. A desire that has taken me to the depths of despair and has brought out in me both good qualities and exposed an envy I still struggle with.

I imagine a big house, full of noisy kids, with toys scattered and music and laughter. Some people might being cringing at the thought of mess ad noise, but it brings a smile to my heart. I long for this! Instead I live in a modest size home, with pet toys and animal hair all over, the occasional bark and meow from my furries, but otherwise alone and silent. I don't hate it, but it doesn't make my heart smile. I long for the desire of my heart to be fulfilled. I long for the squeals of laughter, artwork hanging from the fridge, the telling of bad jokes that they laugh at, movie nights, bedtime stories, and all the rest. I long for toys scattered, beds that need to be made, homework to be checked, and sometimes hard heart-to-heart talks. I long for the messy right along with the beautiful.

This past school baseball season, I sat among the ones I envy the most in the world, mothers. I cheered quietly for the boys, who aren't my own, that I came to watch. I didn't feel I had earned the right to cheer loudly. They weren't mine and everyone knew it. What would they think if I was as vocal as a mother? I don't have that badge of honor. As much as I love the boys I came to see, each silent car ride home after the game made my heart ache. I wanted to driving a smelly kid home and look forward to getting the well-earned grass stains out of his white pants. Some moms, and I totally get why, drove home dreading the chore of another stain scrubbing event. I envy their struggle. 

Standing among these moms after the game, to congratulate the players, made me feel obviously out of place. I wondered how many thought that I didn't belong just as much as I felt like I didn't. I listened as they talked about school, formals, meetings for the next school year as their boys planned to move up a level, and I longed to be a part of the conversations. I wished I had to figure out my schedule so I could attend the meeting or buy the outfit for the dance. The envy that I felt as they spoke of things wonderful and things that caused planning to pull off made me want to cry right there on the spot. 

I long to belong with the moms. I long to be apart of the struggles of who's going to car pool the kids to the next event. I long to plan to go the meeting with them. I long to buy the birthday present for the party they are all planning to send their kids to. I long to proudly say "oh thanks" when someone congratulates my kid on how he or she performed on the field, on the court, at the performance, at the art exhibit, or at the ceremony. I long to beam with pride on my child, wrinkle my nose at their smelliness, laugh at their funny stories, and hold back the tears as they cry in disappointment. 

I long to belong to one of the greatest and most important groups of people. I long to belong with the moms. 

Being Silent and Waiting for the Outcome

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."  Exodus 14:14

Joseph sat in prison for something he didn't do.

David ran and hide for his life because of someone else's hatred.

Mordecai and the Jews were meant to be wiped out because of someone else's vanity.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were placed in a furnace because they didn't worship a man like a god.  

Daniel is thrown into the lions' den for not worshiping a man in his prayers. 

Over and over again, there are examples in the Bible of people who needed the Lord to fight for them. And He did! Why is it so hard, with so much evidence available, for me to believe He will do the same for me? 

The last four months have been extremely hard ones for me. No actual prison cells or lions dens, but repeatedly mistreated based on lies and assumptions, and maybe even other's egos has worn me down. I didn't want to venture outside of my own space, for fear of  my mere presence causing more hardship. I feel emotional and mentally beat up. I wish that I can say that I have fully trusted God to fight for me, but as the months went it only seemed to get worse and my faith felt smaller and smaller.

I wish I could say I've been silent the whole time too, but I've grumbled and complained. Yet, most of what has happened I have kept to myself. Not necessarily in obedience to keep silent, but more so because it has hurt and embarrassed me. 

Yesterday, a thought came to me that one good thing from all of this is that I don't ever want to make someone else feel like this. Lord, help me to be mindful of others and how I make them feel about who they are and their worth. Help me to distinguish lies about them from truth. Help me to get beyond myself and see them for who they really are. 

I need to work on a few things as the battle continues: One, being silent and waiting as the Lord battles. He hears the hurt of my hear,t and since He's the only one who can do anything about it, He's the only one who needs to hear the specifics right now. Two, trying to forgive someone who doesn't even seek it is challenging. I pray these words when I'm struggling to forgive: "I choose to forgive (insert name), Lord help me to forgive". I have to keep praying daily, sometimes multiple times a day, until I know that He has helped me to actually forgive. Three, I have to believe that He is battling for me and there is a victory at the other side. Whether it's only an internal victory or one others will witness, doesn't matter as much as believing there is one. Four, I need to reflect and see if and what needs to be chipped away in my heart and mind based on this. It's easy to just "play the victim", but God uses these hardships to remove things for our lives. What do I need to release in my life that doesn't need to be there?

Joseph was made second in all of Egypt.

David was the king of Israel.

Mordecai and the Jews were saved and he was great in the king's house.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were given promotions.

Daniel prospered during the king's reign, as well as the next king's reign. 

I may never be second in command or named a ruler over anything, but I have to believe that the end of this battle will bring about the promotion that God has for me, even if it's just an internal promotion and no one else even knows. I just need to let go and wait and see what the Lord will do!

Guilty of "If It's Your Will" Thinking

What?

Of course, we should ask for God's will! How can that possibly be a bad thing? Let me explain.

I am guilty of praying for big things, doubting and being fearful, and since my lack of faith says it probably won't happen anyway I throw on a "if it's Your will" to seal the doubt deal. I use it more to declare defeat than to really seek His will in the situation.

I can't be the only one who does that! Can I? Please, tell me others use religiosity to lie to themselves that they have faith in His will, but really they don't.

Yesterday, I was driving to work praying a couple of big prayers. One in particular is truly an area in my life that I want something big to happen. Some thing I believe that is good. Some thing that matches my heart's desire, maybe in a completely unexpected way. But the closer I got to work and the end of my prayer time, I started to doubt and threw out the "if it's Your will" phrase to cover myself, with an emphasis on the if.

If it's not His will then what can I lose? I won't invest too much of me and my heart if it's not His will. It keeps me safe from moving out of the familiar and into a brave new place. It means no stretching. It means plopping right down in the same place I've lived for most of my life. My comfortable, all be lonely, place. Part of me actually hopes it's not His will every time I utter those words! Oh how "safe" I'd be then.

Safe but sad. Comfortable but longing. Familiar but unfulfilled. Stuck and unmovable. Fearful. Lonely. Not safe or comfortable when I really think about it.

Yesterday after my "if it's Your will" prayer, a line from a song playing on my radio grabbed my attention. "Gotta pray, gotta press on to the prize worth fighting for" I kinda felt like God throw His own line right back at me. The proverbial ball was in my court. How would I respond?

I responded with, "yes God! This is a prize worth fighting for! This is a prize worth believing in. It's worth crying out to You over it. It is worth steps of faith. It is worth discomfort. It is worth allowing You to make it happen and not try to move mountains myself. (Anyone else try to move mountains only He can move? Or worse, ones that weren't mine to be moved at all? I am!) It's worth continuing to believe that I just need to be still and watch You work to make it happen.

Looking at Jesus as the example. He did pray, "if it is Your will remove this cup from" but He didn't stop there. "Nevertheless, not My will, but Yours be done." Jesus knew His death would be full of physical pain that no man should have to endure. He also knew that it our sin would separate Him from God until His resurrection. None of us can comprehend what that separation would be like. Of course, He ask to have it removed! But He embraced all of it because He loves us.

So can I embrace His will even though my faith is small and my fear is big? Yes. Even though it will be very different from my normal? Yes. Even though it will be uncomfortable, stretching, and possibly messy? Yes, yes, and yes.

This morning, as I drove to work and continued my big prayer, I came to the usual "if it be Your will" point and it was a struggle. It really was, not to say it once again. I forced myself to say "Your will be done" instead. It was hard, but after wards I felt such joy. I know it'll take awhile and some serious effort to break my lack of faith habit and prayer with boldness for His will to be done.

Note - The song is by Jamie Kimmett and is titled "The Prize Worth Fighting For" This song is about Jesus being our reward, but God can use a line in a song any way that He wants to.

A Longing Unfulfilled Gives Me Time for Others

God knows the desires of my heart. He knew them before I did. As a little girl I longed for one thing when I grew up; a husband who loved me and a house full of children. With each passing month, I find myself doing the math, knowing the biological clock is winding down. I'm much older than I tell my students I am and older than most people guess. People only a few years older than me comment about how they are so much older than I am. I just smile and say, "I'm much closer to your age than you think." When I sit in the quiet of my home the day after our annual grade level trip, I realize just how much my heart still longs for something it has wanted for so very long.

On Wednesday, I sacrificed my sweatshirt to be used as a pillow knowing it would probably be thrown up on, and it was. On Thursday, I sacrificed my front seat on the bus and a sit-down dinner to remain by another who was sick. The funny thing, ironic funny, is I didn't mind. I still don't. For just a little while, I got to know what a part of my desires fulfilled would include: I got to sacrifice for a child. It might seem weird that such sacrifice would bring me joy, but it does.

I was able to be something for them in their time of need. I realize that in my position, I get to do that all the time. Sometimes it is purely being someone they need for academic purposes, but other times it's someone who listens to their concerns and fears. Sometimes it's to listen to their silly stories and corny jokes. When one of them grabs my hand and swings it as we walk I always let them. It's what is needed in the moment. If one says, "can I talk to you privately?" The answer is always "yes". When one cries, asks for advice, tries to trick me with a silly riddle, or says "did you see that?" when they did something amazing, I might have to sacrifice the moment that I should be doing something else, something teacher-y, but I gladly do. If at all possible I take that moment that that one needs.

One time I didn't. One time I didn't listen when one needed me. One time I didn't sacrifice the fun time I was having to just be there in the moment. Months later that one was lost forever, and I will always regret the moment I didn't take, the moment I should have sacrificed what I wanted for what someone else needed. Others don't understand that I will never purposely ignore the one who needs me in the moment again. How can they unless they've made a similar choice with regretful results? I might not realize that there is a need and not give the time sought, but I will not do that on purpose.

Is that longing still there, the longing that includes sacrificing time to a husband and children of my own? Yes, and I try really hard to have faith that God knows why the longing is still unfulfilled. Maybe I couldn't be what I need to be for the hundreds of students I have had over my years of teaching if it had been. Maybe the reason I can be there for them is because I don't have what I want. Not that I want to sacrifice my heart's desires, I really really don't, but if waiting means I am helping someone else, then I guess I can wait a little longer.

Increase and Decrease

"He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30

I've always liked this verse. The idea that God can increase in my life appeals to my need to be better, to become more than I am. But it's not that He can increase, but rather He must increase in my life. Too often in my life I allow other things: work, belongings, hurts, and longings to fill up my life; before long I feel myself drowning in stuff. Lately, I've felt like the stuff has been ruling me. I look around, both externally and internally, and I see too much. It is overwhelming me and it makes me feel stuck, hidden, like the real me isn't who others see and know.

Recently, I started to work on the second half of the verse: "I must decrease". God isn't the only one with an active role in this. I have my part too. The physical stuff in my house is being gone through and is being sorted into throw away, donate, and keep. I've made a couple trips already to donate and spent time to fill trash bags with what no one needs. Hopefully when it's all done there will be less stuff taking up room in my home. Walking is helping me to decrease my physical body as well. It's in the early stages, but I genuinely feel better and am one step closer to being the healthy vessel I want to be.

The real changes aren't external though. Long held fears are being dealt with, some I didn't even know I had anymore. I looked up the meaning of the phrase "I must decrease" and it has two meanings in Greek. The one in this verse means to decrease in authority and popularity. Giving Him more authority in my life is vital to losing the fears, the hurts, the selfishness, the control in my heart.

It is a painful road and at times confusing. I long to live a life full of His purpose, but my purposes want to be in control too. They don't want to give up ground in my heart to Him. They want to remain hidden and leave me afraid. I'm sure I'm not the only one who believes that control of my own life, even if painful, is what I want. Somehow we convince ourselves that we need to be the ones in control. I want to decide who is in my life. I want to decide my work. I want to decide the things I enjoy doing and having. I don't necessarily want to give up any of those things. Yet I do want more. More freedom in surrender. More space in my life for what He has planned for my future. More joy. More peace. More of Him in me.

That is why I choose to decrease, so that He has more room to increase in me.

Becoming His Ruth

I used to blog a lot, and some of the posts were really open, really raw. Not that the others weren't, but when I wrote some of them I felt like I was opening up my heart and pouring it out through the keyboard. This might be one of those posts.

When I was ten years-old I realized the desire of my heart. I wanted a family, a husband and children. Most of my life I had an absent father. I wanted something more. I wanted a man who would love me and a house full of children to love on. That desire has never gone away. There have been times, many of them, when I felt hopeless though. The years have gone by and I've been disappointed. I've been sure that it wouldn't happen more than I've been hopeful that it will. Yesterday, a hopeful day, I thought about the kind of man I want to marry. He needs to be my Boaz. He needs to see the value in me. He needs to spread himself over me and protect me. He needs to cherish me. He needs to be the father of my children.

As I longed for my Boaz, I came to the realization that I need to be his Ruth. I need to be willing to do  the menial hard work to help those in my life, those that depend on me. I need to be willing to step out and risk rejection. I need to be willing to honor him. I need to be the mother to his children. I need to become his Ruth.

Ruth suffered loss. She journeyed long to get away her old life to find her new one. She rejected the gods of her people. She toiled over back breaking work with little reward. She reached out and risked being rejected. She took a chance. She accepted an amazing gift. She loved her family. She loved her husband. She became a mother.

As God showed this to me, I cried. I cried and asked Him to help me become my Boaz's Ruth. I also prayed that He would make him my Boaz. My heart desires this. I have no idea how much longer this journey will be. I have no idea how hard the work will be. But I know that as scary as it is, frankly terrifying that it is, I want my Boaz and I want to be his Ruth.