Create in Me a Clean Heart

I have noticed that God has repeatedly asked me to do less. What does that mean? Not that He asks me to sit around and do nothing but binge watch Netflix. There are things I have to do, the dishes and laundry just to name two. But the deep stuff, He asks me to let Him do. He is asking me to do less when it comes to the deep stuff. He simply says, "let go and let Me."

Last night I cried angry tears to God. I used to feel guilt about doing things like that, but He already knows the thoughts, feelings, and frustrations are there so hiding them in silence seems ridiculous. I'd rather have them expressed and out, then trapped in me whirling around and causing me to focus on one of my "favorite" past-times: overthinking. 

When I woke up this morning, one of my first thoughts was, "what verse will I post today?" (I have a Facebook page that I daily post sections of Scripture from a book of the Bible, and sometimes I post verses on a theme. Right now 30 of my favorite verses.) The very next thought was one that makes me sing, literally Keith Green's voice goes through my mind. It is Psalm 51:10 "create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit in me." My heart is angry and it needs to be cleaned and set right, so it seems timely.

Notice David asked God to do the deep stuff. I can't create a clean heart. I am incapable of such a thing, only God can do that. I cannot renew a right spirit in me. Once again, incapable. Only God can do these things. What can I do? Let Him. Look at the rest of the verses around this one in which David repeatedly asks God to do things he was incapable of: purge, clean, wash, hid, blot, restore, uphold. It would seem we can do these. I'm currently working on purge my stuff, but can I purge my inward most parts? No, only God can do that work. I have to be willing to allow Him to. 

Interestingly, after David asks for all this really deep work to be done, then he states something that he can do. "Then will I teach transgressors your ways, and sinners shall be converted to you." Psalm 51:13. It makes me think of when Jesus said "And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3 I have to let God remove from me the hurt, anger, envy, deceit, willfulness, oh, I could go on and on, before I can expect to help anyone else. 

There's this song about scars by I Am They, called, wait for it, Scars, that I think helps me understand this idea even more deeply. The chorus goes "So I'm thankful for the scars - 'cause without them I wouldn't know your heart - and I know they'll always tell me of who you are - so forever I am thankful for the scars." Scars mean wounds but they also mean healing. Some of those wounds come at the hands of others and some are self-inflected. Both need to be healed. David was wounded, just like all of us, and he was asking God to do the work in his life to heal him. Are the scars still visible? Yes, most are, but because they are we know who God is and we can then minister to those who need to know Him and turn to Him. 

I started this post still pretty angry at God. I knew I had to write it because I knew I needed to hear it. I knew it would soften my angry heart and remind me that although I hate the pain, I also long for the healing. I need to continue to let go and let God do the deep stuff in me. I want the wounds healed, so the scars can be used to remind of God's heart for me and for others.