Have you ever been so engrossed in your own pain, your own confusion, that you don't think about other people's feelings? I'm going to guess the answer is "yes". Do you do things to protect yourself and ultimately some of those things did hurt others? Think about it and I bet you'll be able to think of a time when it did. I can say "yes" to both of these. Honestly, I think most of the time we are so caught up in our own pain that we fail to recognize that we have hurt anyone else. If we even realize it it is usually well after wards. Not long ago, I did hurt someone because of my own pain and although I didn't know it immediately, I did know within a couple of hours of it.
I debated about writing about what I had done, but then I realized it would need to be so cryptic because it isn't my hurt to share. What I can share is how the look on the person's face is burned in my brain. I can close my eyes and still see the confusion and hurt. In the moment, I didn't realize that I was the one who caused it. I was genuinely concerned about the person even though I was having one of those tears-are-ready-to-spill-any-moment days, but I decided that I was too emotional to speak to the person about it. I justified my inaction by thinking that my own emotions would just make the situation worse. Instead, I came to realize that my inaction actually did make it worse. If I had simply asked the person what was going on I could have quickly fixed the situation, but I didn't. A couple of hours later another opportunity for me to seek the cause of the pain came up. I wish I could say that I jumped at the chance to deal with it, but I listened to my own hurt and confused emotions and remained silent. Later that same day what I had done to cause the pain flashed in front of my face like a neon sign. The realization that I was the cause of the pain was like a punch in the gut, but still I did nothing. I rationalized that I would be able to deal with it, set things right, another day when my own emotions weren't so raw.
What do they say about "best laid plans"? Well, a day went by and another and before I knew it a week and then two weeks went by. I still felt the guilt of my unintentional pain causing and my inaction, but I felt that too much time had passed. The other person seemed fine and I convinced myself we could just move on without me saying a word. The problem was my mind couldn't convince my heart to go along with the plan. So weeks after I should have spoken up I finally did something to show how sorry I was. How was it received? Exactly as it would have been weeks earlier. The person realized it wasn't intentional, which of course they had thought it was, and they accepted my apology. Instead of the pain I saw weeks before, I saw a smile and relief. A relationship set back on the right path.
So why this morning did that pain-filled face flash into my memory? I think for two reasons: one is that I never forgave myself. I sought the person's forgiveness. I cried over how I made the person feel. I asked God to forgive me. But I never forgave myself. I didn't let myself off the hook and was internally still punishing myself for it. So I took the time to pray and accept forgiveness from myself.
Two is that I came to a deep understanding that no matter how much I try to be good, try to be right all the time, because I really do try, I mess up. I mess up because I have hurts and hardships and in the midst of them I don't think about others. I think back to when I was a kid and didn't get all that I needed from my mom because she was going through her own hurt and hardship. Obviously, as an adult I can understand and I hold nothing against her for it. But deep inside of me I decided that I wouldn't do that too. I decided that in my own strength I would try to always be right, to always be there for others no matter what. I can remember at one point actually thinking that I would never be the adult who would hurt a child. Wow! That's a tall and impossible order!
In my own strength, my own hurts, my own narrow vision, how could I ever think it was possible? I have been a teacher for 24 years, and worked with kids before becoming one, and I can think of plenty of times I hurt a child unintentionally. Why do I still cling to the idea that I can control this when the evidence is mounting that I can't. Why even as I type this do I still cling to it? How do I let myself off the hook from this impossible goal? I guess the only thing I can do. Let God have it. As I do this, as I let Him help me know I'm off the hook, I feel a weight lessening on my heart. Only He is good, and I have to try to be me, flaws and all. I have to know that although I won't mean to, sometimes I will hurt others. When that happens I need to seek forgiveness from them, from God, and the hardest one of all from myself.
I started this post to write about how today I sought forgiveness for myself and how I continue to work on forgiving people who hurt me. I guess God had other plans for this post. I guess He decided it's time to deal with this unrealistic expectation that I hold, well am trying not to hold anymore. I'm trying to let go of and let God have it.
No comments:
Post a Comment