Giving Due to the Right Source

I have had my losses, frustrations, fears, and tears in 2020, but I refuse to give a year any power. 2020 isn't the cause of any misery, it's just the year in which it happened. There is one who likes to hid right under the surface and watch gleefully as people continue to attribute his handiwork to anything and anyone else but him. he doesn't seem to mind never getting the credit. he seems to be quite okay with us thinking it's the storm, the disagreement, the accident, the illness, the whatever and not him. 2020 is simply a number. It has no power at all. The memes and jokes may be funny but I wonder sometimes if he laughs hardest because we keep blaming every bad thing on a series of dates on a calendar and not the evil that he is. I refuse to blame anything else on 2020. I put the blame square on the shoulders of satan.

BUT...

there have been weddings, new babies, new friendships and relationships, new jobs, new homes, promotions, new passions, giving, kindness, renewed relationships, gifts, uplifting, seeking Jesus, miracles, laughs, and cherished memories in this year too. Those things and all the good come from the One and He enjoys us talking about Him and to Him. He longs for relationship with us. He wants us to see Him at work in our lives. He doesn't skulk in the shadows, but He does speak quietly to us. He doesn't cause voices to rise in anger yet loves to hear them rise in joyful laughter, encouraging words, deep meaningful relationship building talks, song, exhortation, and praise.

Let's give blame where it is due, on who deserves it, but then stop feeding it. Instead let's turn our ears and eyes, hearts and minds, and attention and acknowledgment on the One who can take any and all plans of the other one and turn them to Good.

Refuse to let 2020 end without seeing the good that took place. And properly mourn what and who was lost in it. As you mourn and as your reflect, look for the Good and remember to breathe a "thank you" that even in mourning He is there and in rejoicing He is there.

A Year's Journey

A year ago I started a journey. A journey of becoming the woman, the wife, My Beloved needs. My Beloved's identity is still a mystery to me, but over the last 365 days I have fallen in love with him. Yes, I know exactly how insane that sounds! But it's true!

I asked God what I needed to do to become this woman. The first thing I started was to purge. I purged a lot of the stuff that was overwhelming my home. It has been so freeing. I have donated boxes, many boxes, bags, and crates of items. I have thrown away stuff, lots of stuff. I am not done yet. Like I said, it's freeing and I want to have less. I will never be a minimalist, but I certainly will be a lot less-ist. (Yes, I made that up.)

That was a practical change, and a good one, but definitely not the most important one. That change was prayer. I pray for this man. In the past, I prayed for God to bring a man into my life, but I didn't pray for him. I searched Pinterest for prayers for my future husband. I came across a lot of blogs and basic ideas of how to pray for him. Then I found a woman who created 40 prayers for husbands. These prayers involved praying Scripture over him. So for nearly a year, I have prayed one of these prayers over My Beloved almost every day. Now, there were times when I felt sure that they were just words and that I was fooling myself by praying for this "imaginary" man. There were days I felt too sad to pray at all. Doubt plagued my thoughts. Other days, I prayed through the doubt and fear. There were times I cried in fear through each and every word. But most days, thankfully, I pray for him with joy. I pray for him with tears of joy more than ones of fear. And honestly, it is the very best part of my day. I read my daily Scripture and then I pray for My Beloved. My heart loves him so much that I feel like it's going to burst as I pray! Once again, I know how insane that sounds.

The thoughts of how crazy this all is and the feelings of my heart war almost daily. I'm not young and the wait has been long. Like I said, I don't even know who this man is that I pray for. But I do. And  love him. Wow, this post is definitely more honest than I planned for it to be. I was just going to write about the journey, but this blog has brought out the raw in me so many times before, so why should this time be any different.

This year has also been one of the hardest of my life. I don't want to go into that at all, because that's not the point of the journey. But I do believe the struggle is part of this journey. God is using every cruel comment, every judgement, every lie about me, to make me a better person and somehow the better woman, wife, that I need to be for My Beloved. I can't say I understand, or like it, but I am thankful for it. This part of the year's journey is important too.

I would love for the end of this year to bring me face to face with My Beloved, but if God's plan is to continue longer without knowing him then I will take it. I can take it because I trust the One who is taking me on this amazing, crazy, sometimes painful, but also joy-bringing journey. 

Fight or Flight

I think most of us have heard the saying "it's either fight or flight", but I never really understood what it meant. No, I know it means that when faced with a harmful, maybe even deadly situation, hormones kick in and a person or animal either fights to survive or fleas and hopes to survive by getting away. I mean I never understood it until I lived it.

Years ago, I flew! I knocked on a door, heard an angry voice on the other side, handed over the plate of cookies when the door open and then flew. I don't remember deciding to run away. One moment I was trembling as I stood at the open door and the next I was opening my car door. I don't remember anything in between. I've tried but I can't. Do I look back and wish I had stood my ground? There were times I did, but now, more than 10 years later I am so glad I didn't. Not that I'm proud of fleeing, but ultimately it was a situation I did not need to be in.

The other day I felt my emotions start to veer in an unhealthy direction. My mind started into overdrive and a voice told me, "run! Hide deep within yourself! Lock yourself away so you don't have to feel those bad feelings!" And that was when I realized I had flown many a time before. In the past, I hide. When it got too scary to feel strong emotions I hid them deep down. I didn't stand up and fight back. I flew. For years, I lived behind the wall. The wall that hid the real me away from almost everyone. There was a false sense of safety behind that wall. If I dared peek out from behind it and found myself in an emotionally scary situation I dove right back behind it, dusted myself off, and claimed I was safe. But the truth was I wasn't safe at all. I was living in a perpetual state of fear. God broke that wall down. But the voice tried to convince me to built the bricks back up again. I only listened to the voice for a moment before I declared, "no!"

That was a much bigger fight moment than if I had put up my fists and punched someone who had threatened me. Let's face it, I can't really punch anyway. I have two brothers and they made it clear when I was younger that I couldn't really punch. But let's just say I could. My standing up to that voice and saying, "no!" was a wallop!

I've come to learn that the "simple" act of standing is fighting. Exodus 14:13-14 has taught me a whole new way to look at fight or flight.

"And Moses said to the people, 'fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will work for you today. For the Egyptians you see today, you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and all you have to do is be silent.'"

This group of recently freed slaves were weak from their years of bondage. They weren't soldiers. They were men, women, and children who stood with their backs against an impassible sea and looking into the billowing dust caused by the Egyptian chariots that came to crush them. I've read that they were surrounded, not by the Egyptians and sea alone, but by a range of rocks that they couldn't climb and possibly a garrison belonging to this same army which came thundering toward them. They really had no way to flee to safety. Any direction they ran in would result in their deaths. God told them not to fear. Fear would make them flee into certain death. So they had to fight and God told them to do so by standing firm. Not get out any weapons they may have had among them. Not dig in. Not get into military formation. Just stand, stand firm in the face of destruction. And then He told to be quiet. I'm sure every woman there wanted to scream out in terror. I'm sure children wanted to cry hysterically. I'm sure even the men wanted to fall to their knees and cry in despair, but God told all of them to be silent. And He made it sound easy, "all you have to do is be silent." Oh, is that all God? Just don't be afraid of this overwhelming enemy; stand before them like we won't get plowed into the ground by their chariot wheels; and don't make a sound!

Yes. That is all.

See, He fights for us. We still have the choice, fight or flight, but one we do all on our own. If we flee, we run right into our own destruction. We run behind walls that hid us in from the bad and also keep us from anything good. We try to climb mountains we were never meant to and we fall time and time again, until we are too broken to even make another attempt. Or we fight. Not with our fists. Not by outshouting our enemy. Not with weapons. Not with war horses or chariots. We fight when we let Him do the battling. The battle belongs to the Lord and all we need to do is fear not, stand firm, and be quiet.