You Fulfill Me, Well Not Exactly

Not a video link, just a photo from The Chat with Priscilla

Most of us have seen at least one movie where the cheese line "you complete me" or "you fulfill me"  has been uttered. Those of you who love Hallmark movies, especially the Christmas ones subject yourselves, I mean enjoy watching, characters say this line or something close to it. The line nauseates me. Could you tell? Why do we keep hearing it movies and TV shows? Because people believe it is possible. Well, I don't. Well, not exactly.

Yesterday, I was watching a cute animal video and as it ended the next video came up and it was "What Men Wish Women Know" part 2 from The Chat with Priscilla. I had no idea there was such a thing! Well, I was intrigued but thought I should look for part 1 and watch that first. A quick search and I was watching Priscilla Shirer talking to five men, one being her husband and another her brother, about what women should know about men. I was intrigued but what these men, four of whom were married and one not, had to say about various topics regarding what men think, feel, and need. I had to watch part 2 as soon as part 1 ended. It was an hour of my life that I am very glad I experienced. Why? Not just because I learned something about a man that I hope will help me in a  relationship with one (hopefully soon). But a deeper understanding come to light for me. Bear with me as I try to explain. I'm not sure I will do as well explaining it as God revealed it to me, well, I'm sure I won't.

The saying, "you fulfill me" is inaccurate, but not completely wrong. As a teacher, I have a part of my very existence that needs children in order for it to be fulfilled. I can plan a great lesson, set up a warm and inviting room, and attend meetings (okay, those are rarely fun) but without the kids I am not a teacher. The time I spend with them, the discussions we have, the moments they get a new concept, or the joy they find in exploring books, problems, adventures, fulfill the part of me that is a teacher. I need them. I need to impart something into them for that part of me to be fulfilled. I think that might be why the summer months, although very much needed and enjoyed, leave me feeling unfulfilled. People still call me a teacher when I'm not at school, but without the kids that part of me that needs them feels empty. 

Not everyone is a teacher, so let me explain it another way. Let me try friendship. We are drawn to people who we have something in common with, but more than that, we are drawn to people who speak into our lives. A friend should encourage our dreams. A friend should share in our joys and sorrows. A friend should, gently, point out our wrong thinking and help guide us back to the right path. A friend should be someone we pour into, not just someone we take from. I can call myself Friend only if I am doing that for others. If I'm not, why would they want to be around me? To fulfill the friend part of me, I must invest in others, otherwise the relationship is meaningless. It is unfulfilling. 

So in a love relationship, in my case, with a man, he fulfills a part of who I am not just by his mere presence, but rather because I am needed to nurture the part of him only a wife can. He needs me to encourage him with his dreams he can't tell anyone else about. He needs me to speak truth into his life. He needs to know I feel protected by him. He needs to know I feel provided for, not just materially but also that my heart. He needs to know I believe in him, support him, cherish him, love him. He needs to know that he is my one and only. When I am able to do and be that for him, the part of me that is called wife is fulfilled. I need him in order to have that part fulfilled. I am fulfilled not because he has embraced me and kissed me like in all those movies, but because that part of me is fulfilled as I do my part to be his wife. If I am just in the relationship to have him take care of me then I will never experience the fulfillment of being a wife. I think that is part of why marriages fail. The wife doesn't take care of his heart and the husband takes take care of her heart. They don't do the work that fills the needs in their partner, so they feel unfulfilled and that is the beginning of the end of their relationship. 

If all the parts of who I am are doing what they need for the others in my life then I will experience the fulfillment I long for. 

Disclaimer: I know that our ultimate fulfillment comes from our relationship with Christ. But God expects us to go out and fill the parts of us He created us to be, whether it be sibling, friend, parent, spouse, or in our occupations. He called us to do for others in those roles. When we do what He has called us to do we experience fulfillment. It is an interesting catch 22, in order to be a teacher I need students, but if I don't do for them what they need I am just an adult in the room with them. I need them and I need to impart into them in order to wear the title of teacher. I hope this all makes sense. If not, I hope God will do a better job explaining it to your heart.

Oh, and by the way, I plan to check out more of The Chat with Priscilla videos. You can find them on YouTube. 

The Broken Wall Will Bring Healing, But It Isn't Always Easy

Three months ago I did an exercise where I had to tear down a wall. It was a large white box, not a cardboard box, but some sort of plastic box. It was duct taped together and, although I didn't know it, it was full of Styrofoam and paper. One side of this huge box was sectioned off into bricks. I was given a marker and I wrote down names, events, and fears that were part of my wall. At first, I thought I would only write a few things, but I almost ran out of room.

Then I was given a rubber mallet, and I went to town on that wall. I hit it and hit it, but all I did was leave behind black marks. Then I was given a claw hammer. It worked a bit better, at least it was making dents in the wall. Then I got the right tool for the job, a crowbar. That crowbar ripped that wall, but it wasn't enough. I put down the crowbar and I started ripping that wall apart with my hands. That worked well for awhile, but remember it was duct taped. I needed something to cut through the tape, and a friend handed me a pair of scissors. 

I completely destroyed that side of the wall, but that wasn't enough for me. I tore all that Styrofoam and paper out of there and cut apart the sides, the other side, and even the bottom and top. There was bits of wall and stuff all over the place! Then I picked myself up off the floor, and I stepped over that wall. 

After that I took three pieces of the box that had no writing on them, and wrote down the positives that tearing down the wall will make possible. It was a truly amazing experiences!

Since then I have had quite a few hard days, because I do not have a wall for protection anymore. There have been times that I wanted to resurrect that wall, but I haven't. 

There are two areas that I have asked God to heal and help me with since then. The first one is in the area of relationships. I have sucked at them! So I have asked Him to help me actually have them. That has been so much harder than I ever thought was possible. More about that, promise.

The other area I wrote about in my last post. I want to see me, know me, the way that He does. That has also been hard. Satan certainly doesn't want that to happen so he has been working hard to make sure I don't. Even though I know he doesn't want me to know that I know how God sees me, it doesn't change the fact that at times I believe the opposite he shows me. I believe the negatives and even hateful things he sends my way. He has tried to tell me that I am crazy because he has told me that my feelings are all messed up. He whispers in my ear and mind a lot, and never good things. The problem he faces, is that he isn't even trying to be sneaky. I know it isn't the Holy Spirit speaking to me, because he doesn't speak truth to wound, so it must be lies of satan to harm. Now, I wish that I didn't listen to the lies, and sometimes even believe them. I do however, know that they are lies, and I need to resist the devil so that he will flee. With God's help, I'm working on that.

As for the relationships, I asked God yesterday why I feel so tender much of the time. Why does it seem like almost every day something hurts me, in regards to relationships. Even when I am sure that I am overreacting by letting it hurt. So why then? He showed me a picture. 

When a baby is born he has two soft spots on his head. (I am about to impress you with my knowledge, but I actually Googled it.) These spots are soft because they allow the skull to compress during labor so the baby can be born. About four months later the rear spot of the skull closes and becomes hard. The front spot takes a bit longer, usually around a year-old the baby's front skull spot hardens. The Lord showed me that my heart and mind are like a baby's soft spots. The wall that I had guarding me made it seem as if I was hard, but I wasn't. I didn't need to be, my wall was hard for me. Now that the wall is gone, my soft heart and mind are exposed. They feel tender, and although they can take some touch not too hard. 

Satan is poking at my soft spots and he is using relationships to do it. He twists innocent things said or done to poke me. Once again, I know it's him, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anyway. Then there are the not so innocent things that have been said or done. Those really hurt! Some come from people I considered friends, some from acquaintances, and some from people I have no choice but to relate to. 

Now, this can be a post where I just focus on what satan is doing and the harm he has caused, but God always has to the final word. He is hardening, correctly, my heart and mind to the attacks of satan. I needed to have the soft spots so I could experience the labor of change in my life. He is also closing up my "skull" so that my heart and mind will be the correct hardness to the attacks of satan, but still soft enough for the love of family, friends, and God to speak Truth to me. Someday, I will see and know myself the way God sees and knows me, at least in part. I will probably never know fully in this life. I will continue to develop godly relationships as He helps me along the way. He will even help me with the relationships that I have to have because we all have those relationships too. 

God is showing me who I am in Him, and He is helping me not suck at relationships, hopefully to actual thrive. He always brings the victory! 

Suitcase Opening

Ever have one of those stop in your tracks moment? I had one today. My class is doing a book study of the book The Tiger Rising. The main character is a 6th grade boy who stuffs all his feelings in a "suitcase" after his mother's death and his father and him move to a new place, living in a motel. He starts to develop a friendship with a new, strange girl at school.

Today I asked the kids to answer this question. "Why did Rob feel hope, need, and fear when he thought of a friend"? They spent some time thinking about the question and then wrote down evidence from the book to back up their thinking. Then they shared with each other before I asked if anyone wanted to share with the class.

One of them mentioned that Rob was scared of having a friend because he had stuffed all his feelings in his suitcase and he didn't want to let them out. Another student said something similar and the conversation continued along those lines.

Then I said the words that stopped me in my tracks. I said, "Rob believes that if he can stuff those feelings away he won't be sad. What he doesn't realize is that but stuffing those feelings inside he is actually more sad than if he let them out." Yup! I actually had to pause half way through that and realize that I needed to take those words to heart.

I used to be a suitcase, feeling stuffer as well. I believed, like Rob, that if I just stuffed those feelings down and didn't let anyone in then I wouldn't be sad. Maybe that is why I like this book so much. Maybe it's because I see so much of me in Rob.

Thankfully, God did a work, a long painful work, that helped me to open up that suitcase. I started to feel and it hurt so much! I had to let god deal with all those hurts and painful feelings. I cried every day for a year, but it was so good. I knew it was a healing process. I started to let others in and even though I had relationships that led to me being hurt I also had relationships that brought me happiness and ones that still bring me happiness.

This past week I have a had a hard time. Ever feel like everything comes crashing down at once? That kind of week. I found myself getting sadder and sadder. I found it hard to pray. Hard to read my Bible. Hard to even smile. All I wanted to do was cry ad I don't like to do that either, part of that suitcase stuffing thing.

Then today I did something hard for me. In a message I asked a friend to pray for me. Then she asked if I wanted to talk about it. I didn't, but I had to. I knew I had to. I told her part, a big part, of what I needed prayer for. Do you know what happened? I felt a weight lifted off of me. I felt like I had opened up that suitcase and let out what I was stuffing.

I am so thankful to the love and care of good friends. I am so thankful for a family that loves me and prays for me. I am so thankful I have a Father who loves me, prunes me, and rejoices over me with singing!