When It's Out of My Hands

"Can I really let it be out of my hands?

When it's out of my hands"

Those two lines of Building 429's song, Fear No More, jumped out at me and hit me right in the middle of my plotting brain. I was driving to a local coffee shop to meet a friend to work on some online PD, and my mind was replaying a phone conversation I had earlier this morning, actually two phone conversations. One brought my doubts to the surface and the other made me wonder why no one else put 2 and 2 together like my brain was thinking. I started to figure out how I could manipulate, yup manipulate people into seeing the two 2's and make me the answer. My brain was right in the middle of, "I should call ___ and ask her to..." when those lines from the song interrupted my thoughts. 

"Can I really let it be out of my hands?"

Can I really stop wanting things done now? Can I really stop trying to get things done my way? Can I stop the manipulating thoughts and even words and actions? Can I really stop trying to tell God how to do it? The answer is simple, yes. but it isn't easy. 

When someone asks, "how are you remaining so calm?", it's simple to reply, "I know God's got this." But it's not easy to just let Him. It's simple to pray, "Lord, let your will be done." But it's not easy to really mean it. It's simple to say, "I know God's going to make a way where there is no way." But it's not easy to stare into the unknown and believe when all you see is vague and shadowed. It's simple to put on a smile and make others think your okay with the unknown and waiting. But it's not easy to hold back the tears while you're driving in your car alone. It's simple to pray day after day after day for months, years, for a a man I do not know. But it's not easy to believe God actually has a husband for me who is benefiting from those prayers. It is simple to find things on Pinterest for "the kids". But it's not easy watching mothers with their kids and wonder if I'll have that desire fulfilled. 

"When it's out of my hands"

It is! God tells me on an almost daily basis because my faith is that small, "be still", "I'm fighting for you", "wait patiently", and "do not fear". He reminds me that it is out of my hands. I can't make the job appear. I can't make the judgments of me change the opinions people have. I can't make a man fall in love with me. I can't make a child suddenly appear in my life. I can't make money fill up my bank account. I can't stop the unexpected from happening. Those things are out of my hands. 

I can only do what I know God has called me to do. "Ask, seek, knock", "expect Him to do above and beyond what I can ask for", "wait and see that the Lord is good", and "know that the battle belongs to the Lord." Every time I try to make things happen the results are bad, sometimes devastating even. But when He gives me an action step to take and I take it, I see the puzzle pieces being put into place. I don't get to see the box. I don't know what the finished masterpiece will look like. God doesn't even place the edges first. He puts one piece next the ones already in place. He already knows the image on the box, and He knows there are no missing pieces. 

When it's out of my hands, I can really let it stay out of my hands! I can simply trust that everything is in His hands, even when trusting isn't easy. 

Afraid to Jump on the Couch

About a year and a half ago, I became the foster mommy to a sweet, but scared dog. I have no idea what kind of a life she had before being rescued from the shelter, but I knew she was scared of almost everything. She wouldn't go outside with out me. I mean she wouldn't even go out the door unless I went first. She was afraid of rain and loud noises. She was fearful of even being touched. Over the year and half she has come along way. She loves to snuggle, and yes, she now goes out by herself. She still doesn't like rain and loud noises still scare her, but she is better than she was.

There is one fear that she has that I can relate to. When she fails, she is too scared to try again. Recently she tried to jump on the couch, something she does daily, but she miscalculated. Her front legs went on the couch, but her back legs never made it. She got back down and they stutter-stopped about five times. Each time I patted the couch and told her to try again. Finally, she jumped up on the couch. Now, every once and awhile she goes through the whole routine again. Other times she jumps up with no problem. I guess the memory of her failed attempt replies and she fears missing.

Now, I don't jump up on the couch, but I do fear failure. Once I mess up, I find it scary to try again. I let that fear of missing to hold of me, and I can't try again. I even feared writing this post, which is why it's taken me awhile to even type it, and why the time between the last sentence and this one was about 5 minutes. Put myself out there and admitting challenges I face is scary. I don't text the friend and see if she wants to do something, because in the past I chose the wrong friend and it's tainted my attempts at friendship. I lost a lot of weight, but listened to "healthy" advice and put it back on. I was so confused, because I was doing it "right", but I was gaining weight so I quit. It took years, but I've finally put the fear behind me and have started doing it the right way. (So far, so good, by the way.) There are so many other ways that I can think of where I let fear stop me, some small and some big.

So how do I overcome the fear? How do I stop the stutter-stop? The only way that I know of is to trust God when the opportunities come. When I want to ask a friend when she can do lunch, I need to just do it and not over think it. I feel great since I changed the my eating and started doing some new exercises. I want to feel great, and not feel fear. I want to stop the hamster wheel of fearful thoughts and trust God. He is the only one who can help me overcome my fear. Easier said than done, but I want to do it!

PS. I adopted Stella, so now I'm the Mommy to that fearful pup. 🐕