Friday, March 30, 2012

A Promise Made

This is one of those posts where I don't know what I'm going to write, but I feel a need to write. So here goes...

Who's for doing something? I mean anything. It has to be better than waiting, right? I mean I see the need and I have a plan to fix it. It might be risking, but it'll be worth the risk. Okay, so now it's time to give it a try. No, don't pray about it. Just do it! Oh, that didn't go as planned. Oh, that went horribly, actually. Now, now the need is even worse off than before. Why?

I have never been the rush-into-a-situation type of person. I usually think about it, wrap it around in my mind over and over again before doing anything. Sometimes that's a good thing. Sometimes that's a bad thing. So, I figure I want different results. You know, if you want different results you need to do things differently. With the biggest area, potentially, of my life I go and make a plan (I'm also not a planner) and rush right in.

Results? Things seem to be worse. Well, how about trying again? Okay, make a new plan, think about this one a little longer, and then go for it! Um, yeah that didn't work either. So what to do? How about keep trying, little things, big things, doesn't matter, each and every time ends up badly.

Then I decided to make a change. A promise, a hard one. I will do nothing without direction from God. I will do nothing without praying about it. I will do nothing. Do nothing?! Yeah, and it is so hard. It is so painful. It feels like forever, but it really hasn't been that long. Doors seem to open a crack, but God doesn't give the green light. Deep sigh, and keep my promise.

I think about Sarah, when she was Sarai, and how she made a plan, a very bad plan. A plan that she regretted, even despised. I don't ever want to be like her. I don't want to create an Ishmael in my life. I don't want to create an Ismael in the lives of those I care about. I don't want to create an Ishmael that will do damage even beyond my own life.

So, I wait. I walk out a hard promise and I pray, oh, how I pray. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I smile because I believe that God has a plan. A perfect plan. A perfect time. And when I forget that and feel like breaking that promise, instead I wait.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

In Due Time

You know what? Waiting is hard!

It doesn't matter what you are waiting for, good news, bad news, someone to show up, and especially God's timing, it is hard! And I have to admit it, "I don't it!" :)

A friend ask me to pray for her waiting situation, which very well be over. I was honestly happy for her. I can't say that I am honestly happy for people when they share there waiting-is-over news. I just think about how I still am, and I get...honesty time...jealous! I know that it's not right to be jealous, but it's the truth. I was glad to realize that for her I was actually happy.

Today I was driving home and asking God about my waiting. Not the usual, "how much longer?" but rather, "why do I even want it?" I asked Him, "why can't I just be satisfied with how things are? Why do I want something I don't have, may never have?" Then a song came on the radio and the line "the same God who leads you in will lead you out" played. I smiled and felt it was for me to hear.

When I got home I feed the furry babies and grabbed the laptop ready to check email and Facebook for any exciting news...I know,I know most of the Facebook news isn't really news. Then I came across this post and I knew it was for me. And in due time Hannah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Samuel, for she said, “I have asked for him from the Lord.” I Samuel 1:20.

I do not know the answers to my questions that I asked God today, but I do know that He makes promises and He keeps them. I know that like, Hannah, all I have to do is ask and trust. I do not know how He will end my waiting, but I know He will. I also know that once this wait is over there will be another one after it. I hope that I learn the lessons necessary in this waiting time to help me trust Him more in the next waiting time.

So in due time!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


Today I was talking with a co-worker and she was sharing how she came to be saved. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing. I think of Aslan's words in A Horse and His Boy when he says, "Child," said the Voice, "I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own." So I don't like telling other people's stories, but this one impacted me deeply.

She shared that she used to work in a restaurant and an older gentleman and his wife would come in. He would ask her to go to church with them, but she always made excuses and didn't go. Then one day he came in with his pastor and asked her boss if she could take a break. The boss said she could and she sat down with the two men. They told her she had to be saved. She told them that was the problem. Keep telling her what she needs to be but she didn't even know what that meant. So they explained it to her. Right there, surrounded by chicken, she accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior.

About a year later that man died and at his funeral she spoke with the pastor. She said that it was obvious from his love for the Lord that he had been going to church is whole life. The pastor shocked her when he said that the man had been going to church for only about two years. He had been saved at 75!

I'm not sure who prayed for that man. I'm not sure for how long they prayed. I'm not sure how he came to his relationship with Jesus, but I know he was 75 when he did. I also know that he went into a restaurant repeatedly to help bring a woman to her own relationship with Jesus.

I think about the people I pray for to come to salvation. I think about how some are old, maybe too old. Yet, very few are anywhere near 75 years of age. I think about this man persistence to share the love of God with others. I think I must continue to pray. I must continue to share. I need to get a little more persistent.

You never know who you will influence and you have no idea how long it will take, but keep influencing!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Suitcase Opening

Ever have one of those stop in your tracks moment? I had one today. My class is doing a book study of the book The Tiger Rising. The main character is a 6th grade boy who stuffs all his feelings in a "suitcase" after his mother's death and his father and him move to a new place, living in a motel. He starts to develop a friendship with a new, strange girl at school.

Today I asked the kids to answer this question. "Why did Rob feel hope, need, and fear when he thought of a friend"? They spent some time thinking about the question and then wrote down evidence from the book to back up their thinking. Then they shared with each other before I asked if anyone wanted to share with the class.

One of them mentioned that Rob was scared of having a friend because he had stuffed all his feelings in his suitcase and he didn't want to let them out. Another student said something similar and the conversation continued along those lines.

Then I said the words that stopped me in my tracks. I said, "Rob believes that if he can stuff those feelings away he won't be sad. What he doesn't realize is that but stuffing those feelings inside he is actually more sad than if he let them out." Yup! I actually had to pause half way through that and realize that I needed to take those words to heart.

I used to be a suitcase, feeling stuffer as well. I believed, like Rob, that if I just stuffed those feelings down and didn't let anyone in then I wouldn't be sad. Maybe that is why I like this book so much. Maybe it's because I see so much of me in Rob.

Thankfully, God did a work, a long painful work, that helped me to open up that suitcase. I started to feel and it hurt so much! I had to let god deal with all those hurts and painful feelings. I cried every day for a year, but it was so good. I knew it was a healing process. I started to let others in and even though I had relationships that led to me being hurt I also had relationships that brought me happiness and ones that still bring me happiness.

This past week I have a had a hard time. Ever feel like everything comes crashing down at once? That kind of week. I found myself getting sadder and sadder. I found it hard to pray. Hard to read my Bible. Hard to even smile. All I wanted to do was cry ad I don't like to do that either, part of that suitcase stuffing thing.

Then today I did something hard for me. In a message I asked a friend to pray for me. Then she asked if I wanted to talk about it. I didn't, but I had to. I knew I had to. I told her part, a big part, of what I needed prayer for. Do you know what happened? I felt a weight lifted off of me. I felt like I had opened up that suitcase and let out what I was stuffing.

I am so thankful to the love and care of good friends. I am so thankful for a family that loves me and prays for me. I am so thankful I have a Father who loves me, prunes me, and rejoices over me with singing!

Saturday, March 3, 2012


I hate it! I really, really hate it! Yet, in all honesty, that is where I live much of the time. The only thing I am truly certain of is that God is with me ALWAYS!

This week I learned that my Kenya trip was cancelled. It was cancelled for good reasons that I truly agree with, but it doesn't change the fact that I am very disappointed and now uncertain about what to do. I could go on another missions trip to Haiti. The August one would work with my school schedule. I could transfer my deposit and the money I have raised so far to do that. I'm just so uncertain.

I wrote and submitted a proposal to create a position in my school district. It might get totally shot down, but I saw a need and have a passion so I went ahead and made the proposal. If it actually happens it would change my schedule. More uncertainty.

I found out the campus I was attending for church has to close and that made me very sad. I understand the decision, but it'll be strange to return to the main campus. Things have changed since I last went there. Not necessarily with the church but more so with me, so I am uncertain about this Sunday.

I have been going to the main campus at 9:00 to pray and then driving over to the other campus for service. So now I am wondering do I continue to do prayer at 9:00 and service at 11:00 or do I do service at 9:00 and prayer at 11:00?

The Seekers group hasn't started yet, and I am very uncertain that I am the right person for this task. I am uncertain of how people will interact with each other, with me. I am uncertain if they will be people who want to know God or if they are people who want to have proof of God. I am uncertain of how I will be able to even share with them the One who I can't imagine living without.

I decided yesterday that I need to find a way to show my students more love. Now I need to figure out the best way to do that. Do I do something for them? Do I give them something? Do I simply write them little notes of encouragement? Uncertain how to show them more love.

Then there are the simple choices of life that I am uncertain about. It's my first Spring in my house and I see flowers coming up and I have purchased some to plant. I am uncertain about where to plant what I have bought. I don't want to plant anything where there are already plants that are going to come up as Spring continues. (Yes, I know it isn't really Spring, but it has been Spring here in NC for a few weeks now.) Where do I put items in my home? What should I add to the quilt I have been making for a couple of years now. I have been creating as I go along rather than have a plan. That may seem strange but it is how I wanted to do it when I started it. I am uncertain about what to add next.

I made a promise to God to leave a certain situation alone. At times I have wanted to poke myself back into it. I love the person involved, but have promised God to be quiet and let Him. I am uncertain that this person knows how much I care.

Uncertain! Please pray for me! Please don't pray that I would be certain, that isn't what I ask for. Please pray for wisdom. His Word says He gives it to those who ask. Please pray for listening spiritual ears to hear His Voice and a desire to obey even when it feels even more uncertain than it already does.