That Give-Up Voice, Ignore It

Every single day, for months now, I do arm weights. About a month ago I increased to 8 lbs dumbbells, and the difference between them and the previous 5 lbs ones is significant. I keep my exercise items in a small closet and every time I open the door I see evidence of progression. The 2 lbs weights that led to the 3 lbs weights that led to the 5 lbs weights. It's nice to have the visual reminder that I started off small and have gradually increased the weight. I can also see a difference in my arms, but they aren't tone yet, but are rather becoming toned. A work in progress.

But there were times along that way that I gave up for a time. They became flabby again. Then the process had to start all over again. Why give up?

I once lost a significant amount of weight due to working out for at least an hour a day, over a long period of time. I felt fantastic and was even within shouting distance of my goal weight. Then I started following the brown diet: brown rice, brown bread. I started to gain weight and couldn't figure out why. I was still working out an hour a day, sometimes more, but my clothing got tighter and the scale was no longer flashing lowering numbers up at me. I got discouraged! All that work seemed pointless! I stopped working out as hard and eventually stopped working out altogether. I later came to realize I am gluten intolerant and all the brown grains, especially my favorite, bread, were causing me to bloat. I let that bloat turn to fat when I stopped fighting against in by exercise. For about 4 months now, I have been battling back. I have a long way to go, but I am working and seeing results.

Losing weight, becoming toned, is not the only area in life that I have given up on something that I truly wanted. Off and on for over 30 years I have longed for my heart's desire. There were many times that I gave up on it as simply a pipe dream. I would solidify my giving up by adding to my internal wall and not letting myself hope too much, feel too much, believe too much. A few years ago I let God tear that wall down and would think about my heart's desire but not do much more than think about it. About 5 months ago, I started to do something a little different. I began to journal about it and pray for it. I wish I could say every single day, like the arm weights, but I haven't been that consistent. Lately, though I have prayed multiple times a day, specific prayers in the morning, but then the rest of the day I find myself sending up quick prayers. They can come at any time and for various reasons; something I saw causes me to pray; a particular feeling comes that leads me to pray; etc. I like looking back in my journal and seeing those figurative 2 lbs, 3 lbs, and 5 lbs weights. They are a reminder of how far I've come in my prayer life and my journey to have God prepare my heart.

This morning as I got ready to pray, I heard that Give-Up Voice. It literally said "why do you even bother?" I smiled and prayed anyway. I knew that voice wasn't from me. I knew who it belonged to. I realized that I must be close to something if that voice bothers to speak to me so directly. I have no idea how close, my human eyes see nothing different, yet he tried to convince me that lack of seeing anything means I should just give up. With my trust in God, because it certainly can't be in me or what I see, I know that I can keep exercising my prayer and preparing muscles. I can focus on my ultimate goal. Maybe I am just a few "pounds" away from my heart's desire.

I've Got to Let Myself Off the Hook

Have you ever been so engrossed in your own pain, your own confusion, that you don't think about other people's feelings? I'm going to guess the answer is "yes". Do you do things to protect yourself and ultimately some of those things did hurt others? Think about it and I bet you'll be able to think of a time when it did. I can say "yes" to both of these. Honestly, I think most of the time we are so caught up in our own pain that we fail to recognize that we have hurt anyone else. If we even realize it it is usually well after wards. Not long ago, I did hurt someone because of my own pain and although I didn't know it immediately, I did know within a couple of hours of it.

I debated about writing about what I had done, but then I realized it would need to be so cryptic because it isn't my hurt to share. What I can share is how the look on the person's face is burned in my brain. I can close my eyes and still see the confusion and hurt. In the moment, I didn't realize that I was the one who caused it. I was genuinely concerned about the person even though I was having one of those tears-are-ready-to-spill-any-moment days, but I decided that I was too emotional to speak to the person about it. I justified my inaction by thinking that my own emotions would just make the situation worse. Instead, I came to realize that my inaction actually did make it worse. If I had simply asked the person what was going on I could have quickly fixed the situation, but I didn't. A couple of hours later another opportunity for me to seek the cause of the pain came up. I wish I could say that I jumped at the chance to deal with it, but I listened to my own hurt and confused emotions and remained silent. Later that same day what I had done to cause the pain flashed in front of my face like a neon sign. The realization that I was the cause of the pain was like a punch in the gut, but still I did nothing. I rationalized that I would be able to deal with it, set things right, another day when my own emotions weren't so raw.

What do they say about "best laid plans"? Well, a day went by and another and before I knew it a week and then two weeks went by. I still felt the guilt of my unintentional pain causing and my inaction, but I felt that too much time had passed. The other person seemed fine and I convinced myself we could just move on without me saying a word. The problem was my mind couldn't convince my heart to go along with the plan. So weeks after I should have spoken up I finally did something to show how sorry I was. How was it received? Exactly as it would have been weeks earlier. The person realized it wasn't intentional, which of course they had thought it was, and they accepted my apology. Instead of the pain I saw weeks before, I saw a smile and relief. A relationship set back on the right path.

So why this morning did that pain-filled face flash into my memory? I think for two reasons: one is that I never forgave myself. I sought the person's forgiveness. I cried over how I made the person feel. I asked God to forgive me. But I never forgave myself. I didn't let myself off the hook and was internally still punishing myself for it. So I took the time to pray and accept forgiveness from myself.

Two is that I came to a deep understanding that no matter how much I try to be good, try to be right all the time, because I really do try, I mess up. I mess up because I have hurts and hardships and in the midst of them I don't think about others. I think back to when I was a kid and didn't get all that I needed from my mom because she was going through her own hurt and hardship. Obviously, as an adult I can understand and I hold nothing against her for it. But deep inside of me I decided that I wouldn't do that too. I decided that in my own strength I would try to always be right, to always be there for others no matter what. I can remember at one point actually thinking that I would never be the adult who would hurt a child. Wow! That's a tall and impossible order!

In my own strength, my own hurts, my own narrow vision, how could I ever think it was possible? I have been a teacher for 24 years, and worked with kids before becoming one, and I can think of plenty of times I hurt a child unintentionally. Why do I still cling to the idea that I can control this when the evidence is mounting that I can't. Why even as I type this do I still cling to it? How do I let myself off the hook from this impossible goal? I guess the only thing I can do. Let God have it. As I do this, as I let Him help me know I'm off the hook, I feel a weight lessening on my heart. Only He is good, and I have to try to be me, flaws and all. I have to know that although I won't mean to, sometimes I will hurt others. When that happens I need to seek forgiveness from them, from God, and the hardest one of all from myself.

I started this post to write about how today I sought forgiveness for myself and how I continue to work on forgiving people who hurt me. I guess God had other plans for this post. I guess He decided it's time to deal with this unrealistic expectation that I hold, well am trying not to hold anymore. I'm trying to let go of and let God have it. 

Create in Me a Clean Heart

I have noticed that God has repeatedly asked me to do less. What does that mean? Not that He asks me to sit around and do nothing but binge watch Netflix. There are things I have to do, the dishes and laundry just to name two. But the deep stuff, He asks me to let Him do. He is asking me to do less when it comes to the deep stuff. He simply says, "let go and let Me."

Last night I cried angry tears to God. I used to feel guilt about doing things like that, but He already knows the thoughts, feelings, and frustrations are there so hiding them in silence seems ridiculous. I'd rather have them expressed and out, then trapped in me whirling around and causing me to focus on one of my "favorite" past-times: overthinking. 

When I woke up this morning, one of my first thoughts was, "what verse will I post today?" (I have a Facebook page that I daily post sections of Scripture from a book of the Bible, and sometimes I post verses on a theme. Right now 30 of my favorite verses.) The very next thought was one that makes me sing, literally Keith Green's voice goes through my mind. It is Psalm 51:10 "create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit in me." My heart is angry and it needs to be cleaned and set right, so it seems timely.

Notice David asked God to do the deep stuff. I can't create a clean heart. I am incapable of such a thing, only God can do that. I cannot renew a right spirit in me. Once again, incapable. Only God can do these things. What can I do? Let Him. Look at the rest of the verses around this one in which David repeatedly asks God to do things he was incapable of: purge, clean, wash, hid, blot, restore, uphold. It would seem we can do these. I'm currently working on purge my stuff, but can I purge my inward most parts? No, only God can do that work. I have to be willing to allow Him to. 

Interestingly, after David asks for all this really deep work to be done, then he states something that he can do. "Then will I teach transgressors your ways, and sinners shall be converted to you." Psalm 51:13. It makes me think of when Jesus said "And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3 I have to let God remove from me the hurt, anger, envy, deceit, willfulness, oh, I could go on and on, before I can expect to help anyone else. 

There's this song about scars by I Am They, called, wait for it, Scars, that I think helps me understand this idea even more deeply. The chorus goes "So I'm thankful for the scars - 'cause without them I wouldn't know your heart - and I know they'll always tell me of who you are - so forever I am thankful for the scars." Scars mean wounds but they also mean healing. Some of those wounds come at the hands of others and some are self-inflected. Both need to be healed. David was wounded, just like all of us, and he was asking God to do the work in his life to heal him. Are the scars still visible? Yes, most are, but because they are we know who God is and we can then minister to those who need to know Him and turn to Him. 

I started this post still pretty angry at God. I knew I had to write it because I knew I needed to hear it. I knew it would soften my angry heart and remind me that although I hate the pain, I also long for the healing. I need to continue to let go and let God do the deep stuff in me. I want the wounds healed, so the scars can be used to remind of God's heart for me and for others. 

Longing to Belong

"A desired fulfilled is sweet to the soul" Proverbs 13:19

The Bible cradled in my arms was my baby that I gingerly laid down a a bed made from my coat. The sermon was just noise in the background. My mind was lost in a dream of being a mom to that precious Bible baby. A dream that has lasted a lifetime and involved many baby props.

This memory is one of the most vivid ones I have. I considerate it the moment my heart's desire was born. The desire to have my own family, husband and children was birthed on a hard metal chair in a crowded sanctuary. A desire that has taken me to the depths of despair and has brought out in me both good qualities and exposed an envy I still struggle with.

I imagine a big house, full of noisy kids, with toys scattered and music and laughter. Some people might being cringing at the thought of mess ad noise, but it brings a smile to my heart. I long for this! Instead I live in a modest size home, with pet toys and animal hair all over, the occasional bark and meow from my furries, but otherwise alone and silent. I don't hate it, but it doesn't make my heart smile. I long for the desire of my heart to be fulfilled. I long for the squeals of laughter, artwork hanging from the fridge, the telling of bad jokes that they laugh at, movie nights, bedtime stories, and all the rest. I long for toys scattered, beds that need to be made, homework to be checked, and sometimes hard heart-to-heart talks. I long for the messy right along with the beautiful.

This past school baseball season, I sat among the ones I envy the most in the world, mothers. I cheered quietly for the boys, who aren't my own, that I came to watch. I didn't feel I had earned the right to cheer loudly. They weren't mine and everyone knew it. What would they think if I was as vocal as a mother? I don't have that badge of honor. As much as I love the boys I came to see, each silent car ride home after the game made my heart ache. I wanted to driving a smelly kid home and look forward to getting the well-earned grass stains out of his white pants. Some moms, and I totally get why, drove home dreading the chore of another stain scrubbing event. I envy their struggle. 

Standing among these moms after the game, to congratulate the players, made me feel obviously out of place. I wondered how many thought that I didn't belong just as much as I felt like I didn't. I listened as they talked about school, formals, meetings for the next school year as their boys planned to move up a level, and I longed to be a part of the conversations. I wished I had to figure out my schedule so I could attend the meeting or buy the outfit for the dance. The envy that I felt as they spoke of things wonderful and things that caused planning to pull off made me want to cry right there on the spot. 

I long to belong with the moms. I long to be apart of the struggles of who's going to car pool the kids to the next event. I long to plan to go the meeting with them. I long to buy the birthday present for the party they are all planning to send their kids to. I long to proudly say "oh thanks" when someone congratulates my kid on how he or she performed on the field, on the court, at the performance, at the art exhibit, or at the ceremony. I long to beam with pride on my child, wrinkle my nose at their smelliness, laugh at their funny stories, and hold back the tears as they cry in disappointment. 

I long to belong to one of the greatest and most important groups of people. I long to belong with the moms. 

Being Silent and Waiting for the Outcome

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."  Exodus 14:14

Joseph sat in prison for something he didn't do.

David ran and hide for his life because of someone else's hatred.

Mordecai and the Jews were meant to be wiped out because of someone else's vanity.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were placed in a furnace because they didn't worship a man like a god.  

Daniel is thrown into the lions' den for not worshiping a man in his prayers. 

Over and over again, there are examples in the Bible of people who needed the Lord to fight for them. And He did! Why is it so hard, with so much evidence available, for me to believe He will do the same for me? 

The last four months have been extremely hard ones for me. No actual prison cells or lions dens, but repeatedly mistreated based on lies and assumptions, and maybe even other's egos has worn me down. I didn't want to venture outside of my own space, for fear of  my mere presence causing more hardship. I feel emotional and mentally beat up. I wish that I can say that I have fully trusted God to fight for me, but as the months went it only seemed to get worse and my faith felt smaller and smaller.

I wish I could say I've been silent the whole time too, but I've grumbled and complained. Yet, most of what has happened I have kept to myself. Not necessarily in obedience to keep silent, but more so because it has hurt and embarrassed me. 

Yesterday, a thought came to me that one good thing from all of this is that I don't ever want to make someone else feel like this. Lord, help me to be mindful of others and how I make them feel about who they are and their worth. Help me to distinguish lies about them from truth. Help me to get beyond myself and see them for who they really are. 

I need to work on a few things as the battle continues: One, being silent and waiting as the Lord battles. He hears the hurt of my hear,t and since He's the only one who can do anything about it, He's the only one who needs to hear the specifics right now. Two, trying to forgive someone who doesn't even seek it is challenging. I pray these words when I'm struggling to forgive: "I choose to forgive (insert name), Lord help me to forgive". I have to keep praying daily, sometimes multiple times a day, until I know that He has helped me to actually forgive. Three, I have to believe that He is battling for me and there is a victory at the other side. Whether it's only an internal victory or one others will witness, doesn't matter as much as believing there is one. Four, I need to reflect and see if and what needs to be chipped away in my heart and mind based on this. It's easy to just "play the victim", but God uses these hardships to remove things for our lives. What do I need to release in my life that doesn't need to be there?

Joseph was made second in all of Egypt.

David was the king of Israel.

Mordecai and the Jews were saved and he was great in the king's house.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were given promotions.

Daniel prospered during the king's reign, as well as the next king's reign. 

I may never be second in command or named a ruler over anything, but I have to believe that the end of this battle will bring about the promotion that God has for me, even if it's just an internal promotion and no one else even knows. I just need to let go and wait and see what the Lord will do!