The Biggest Lie of My Life

I'm not sure why on July 22, 2019 God has asked me to share something I don't believe I have ever shared with anyone. But He just brought it to my heart and mind and said "share". I know my blog audience is small, it's much smaller than it used to be, but God has been churning out posts this month for a reason. So here goes.

People often say that you will never forget your two birth dates, the one one which you were physically born and the one that you were spiritual born on, but I can't tell you one of them. It's not that I don't remember my conversion experience because I remember most of it quite well, but rather it's because it was the first time that I know of that satan spoke to me. I hear stories of people's saved experiences and the joy of that time is so evident in what they say. I don't have that experience. Mine brought me shame for years!

I was 9 years-old and my two brothers and I were invited by a friend to a Kid's Crusade meeting. I remember sitting in the room with my brothers right next to me as this woman shared with us about Jesus. I don't remember exactly what she said, but I remember enjoying it and wanting the things she was sharing. I wanted Jesus! The point in the meeting came where everyone was to bow their heads and close their eyes and if they felt like they wanted to accept Jesus they were to pray the words she spoke. I prayed them! I wanted Jesus! I felt the warmth of Jesus coming into my heart and a smile spread across my face. Then we opened our eyes and she asked us to either stand up or put our hands up, I don't remember which, if we had prayed the prayer and accepted Jesus. That was when satan spoke to me.

He told me I couldn't do that. He said I wasn't good enough to claim I had accepted Jesus. He asked me, "what will people think of you if I admit you needed Jesus? Won't they think you are bad?" So while others around me, including both of my brothers declared they had accepted Jesus I just sat there. I was embarrassed. He convinced me that I wasn't worthy of claiming salvation. That wasn't the end of his lies, because when I told my mom I had accepted Jesus he spoke again, "no you didn't because you did stand (or raise your hand)." The day that should have been the most exciting day of my life was ruined by lies.

This went on for years. I can remember being in middle school and thinking that I wasn't saved. Satan told me over and over again that because I didn't declare Jesus before those other kids I was not a Christian. He told me that it didn't matter that I had my very own Bible that I read. He told me it didn't matter that I went to church and Christian school, that I sang about Jesus and talked about Him and even loved Him. He told me none of it mattered because I listened to him on that day when I was nine and didn't declare it.

I can't tell you exactly when, but I know I was a teenager when I finally stopped believing the lies. God finally broke through the web of lies satan had spun and assured me that I was saved. He assured me that I had declared before others time and time again my salvation. I remember feeling the joy and freedom of that realization. I guess that it is what others felt when they had their conversion experience.

I've wondered over the years why satan worked so hard to convince me. Who am I that he would work so hard? I'm not going to claim that I had it any harder than my brothers, but in some areas of my life I have. Just like in some areas of their lives they had it harder than me. Why didn't try to convince them? Why did he just pick me to torment with these lies? I have felt since I was nine years old the tug of satan to pull me off track. He succeeded from time to time, but God always lead me back. I would think as a mid-aged woman (this is the first time I've considered myself that) that by now I would know. I would have seen what he worked so hard to prevent. I know my teaching is a ministry and I hope that the boys and girls who I have taught were ministered to by me. Somehow I don't think that's it though. I feel like there is something more to my life, something more important that I am made for. I believe satan wanted me derailed so that I couldn't get there. Once the lies were exposed he moved on to other areas to lie to me about and the biggest area of my life that has been affected is my relationships with males.

My earthly father was not a good example of a husband or father. I kissed Allen on the playground when I was five. That makes me giggle a little, because that's all I remember about him, his name, but it was my first "relationship". I never had much in the way of boyfriends when I was young. I had a couple boyfriends in middle school, but one relationship ended so badly it soured me from relationships for years. I liked a boy in high school, a lot! He and I were great friends and spent a lot of time together in the library, but my feelings for him were much stronger than his for me. I asked him to my senior dinner (my Christian school had no prom or formal) and he agreed to go with me. My mom and I went dress shopping and bought shoes and I had my hair done. But he never showed up. I went through the evening, which I can tell you barely anything about, with a fake smile on my face and a heart that was broken. I went to college and had a few crushes, but never pursued any relationship. There was this one guy, Joe, who I spent a long evening with in the ER. That's a totally different story. After that, when he would see me he'd say "hi" and be friendly, but I was so unsure of myself I blew it and he stopped trying. It was years before I liked anyone again, and looking back I can see that my motives were based on the fact that I loved his son as if he was my own and not that I really loved this man. But I plotted and manipulated and tried too convince God he was the one. He wasn't and now I can say I am glad that God said "no!"

I can't say for 100% certainty that my future marriage is why satan has been so actively trying to divert me throughout my life, but I do believe God has a husband all picked out for me. I doubt that too, but I believe it more that He does than that He doesn't. I don't know what it is about me possibly being married that satan would try to stop it. But I do know that at nine I was saved and he started lying to me, and at ten my heart's desire to have a family, a husband and a whole bunch of kids, was birthed in me. Someday I hope that all my years of waiting, crying, and attempting to be pushed off track will result not only in a marriage to the man God has picked out just for me, and the child(ren) He has chosen me to mother, but a testimony that satan realizes he failed to stop from happening. I hope that God will give me insight and words to share of His amazing miraculous working power. I pray that my testimony will minister to others and give them hope. I want to declare through my marriage and family that God does indeed restore all the years that they locust has eaten!

Tears in a Bottle

"You have kept count of my tossings;

put my tears in your bottle.

Are they not in your book?

Then my enemies will turn back

in the day when I call.

This I know, that God is for me.

In God, whose word I praise,

in the LORD, whose word I praise,

in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.

What can man do to me?" 

Psalm 56:8-11

Today my heart aches, but it has been aching for about 5 months. I have tossed a lot and cried many tears. It comforts me to know that God collects my tears, He knows every toss and turn. He's heard my prayers and my praise. I'm not sure how much longer these present troubles will be, but I know He has plans, good plans, that will equal and exceed all the tears. He never said, "don't cry your tears" instead He collects them. He uses them to water my soul, heart, and mind and He grows something more beautiful than I can think or imagine. Some day I will praise Him for the fruit produced during this season, but right now I praise Him for counting and collecting and being with me every second bringing me comfort and peace beyond my understanding.

When It's Out of My Hands

"Can I really let it be out of my hands?

When it's out of my hands"

Those two lines of Building 429's song, Fear No More, jumped out at me and hit me right in the middle of my plotting brain. I was driving to a local coffee shop to meet a friend to work on some online PD, and my mind was replaying a phone conversation I had earlier this morning, actually two phone conversations. One brought my doubts to the surface and the other made me wonder why no one else put 2 and 2 together like my brain was thinking. I started to figure out how I could manipulate, yup manipulate people into seeing the two 2's and make me the answer. My brain was right in the middle of, "I should call ___ and ask her to..." when those lines from the song interrupted my thoughts. 

"Can I really let it be out of my hands?"

Can I really stop wanting things done now? Can I really stop trying to get things done my way? Can I stop the manipulating thoughts and even words and actions? Can I really stop trying to tell God how to do it? The answer is simple, yes. but it isn't easy. 

When someone asks, "how are you remaining so calm?", it's simple to reply, "I know God's got this." But it's not easy to just let Him. It's simple to pray, "Lord, let your will be done." But it's not easy to really mean it. It's simple to say, "I know God's going to make a way where there is no way." But it's not easy to stare into the unknown and believe when all you see is vague and shadowed. It's simple to put on a smile and make others think your okay with the unknown and waiting. But it's not easy to hold back the tears while you're driving in your car alone. It's simple to pray day after day after day for months, years, for a a man I do not know. But it's not easy to believe God actually has a husband for me who is benefiting from those prayers. It is simple to find things on Pinterest for "the kids". But it's not easy watching mothers with their kids and wonder if I'll have that desire fulfilled. 

"When it's out of my hands"

It is! God tells me on an almost daily basis because my faith is that small, "be still", "I'm fighting for you", "wait patiently", and "do not fear". He reminds me that it is out of my hands. I can't make the job appear. I can't make the judgments of me change the opinions people have. I can't make a man fall in love with me. I can't make a child suddenly appear in my life. I can't make money fill up my bank account. I can't stop the unexpected from happening. Those things are out of my hands. 

I can only do what I know God has called me to do. "Ask, seek, knock", "expect Him to do above and beyond what I can ask for", "wait and see that the Lord is good", and "know that the battle belongs to the Lord." Every time I try to make things happen the results are bad, sometimes devastating even. But when He gives me an action step to take and I take it, I see the puzzle pieces being put into place. I don't get to see the box. I don't know what the finished masterpiece will look like. God doesn't even place the edges first. He puts one piece next the ones already in place. He already knows the image on the box, and He knows there are no missing pieces. 

When it's out of my hands, I can really let it stay out of my hands! I can simply trust that everything is in His hands, even when trusting isn't easy. 

A Pruning Session

As I was wrapping up another episode of God Showed me Something About Me: the Pruning Edition, I smiled and said, "God is this bloggable or is this just between us?" Yes, bloggable is a word because I just clicked Add to Dictionary when it said it was spelled incorrectly. Obviously, He said, "bloggable."

This morning I posted about watching two episodes from The Chat with Priscilla, and this evening I was intrigued to see what other episodes she had. I scrolled through them and found another part 1 and 2 and these were with her siblings. I clicked on part 1 and listened to her and her older sister speak and I heard pearls of wisdom, that they either learned from their experiences or from their parents. One that I think is so freeing is about parenting. Her sister, Chrystal, said, "Adam and Eve had the perfect parent and they messed up." They discussed that children have to make their own choices and parents have to let them own their choices. Parents can pray and support but they can't fix their children's choices. Part 2 continued as their two brothers joining them and the four of them shared some of the things they learned through life and from their parents. I took away many pearls of wisdom from listening to them.

When it was over, I started to talk to God. Most times I converse with Him as if He is sitting right there, rather than in a "traditional prayer" way. I've always been the one who looked up when people say "let's bow our heads and pray", especially outside I love to look up at the sky. I don't do that to rebel, okay maybe sometimes I did, but because I feel that as I talk to Him I should be taking in what or who He has created. Sometimes I do close my eyes when I pray, especially when I cry to Him, but not often. Anyway, I started talking to Him in a conversational way about what I took away from The Chat, and in particular what I gained from Chrystal's quote above. For anyone reading, who doesn't know I do not have children, nor am I married. Put I do have a few children that God has placed on my heart, some I only know about, I don't actually know them. I pray for them often. Sometimes I pray for them as a group and sometimes individually. As I said, some I don't really know but as I pray for them I believe Holy Spirit gives me insight into how to pray. For the ones I know, and their choices, I started to pour out my thoughts to God for them based on what Chrystal said. Soon, I found myself in tears praying for them, but also realizing that I want them to be good for me. I remembered a time I had asked one to do something for me, something that was hard to do and I knew it would be a challenge. Well, a few days went by with great follow through and then one day a 180 happened. I was so frustrated by the behavior, but as I talked to God tonight, I realized I was more bothered that it wasn't done for me than I was that it wasn't a good thing to do. I was expecting their decisions to be made to please me rather than to do the right thing because it was the right thing. I felt a pruning snip with that realization.

As I continued to talk Holy Spirit started to show me things for another child, one I don't really know. I saw confusion and a glimpse of a bad example that was potentially defining for this child. I felt this intense need to pray against generational curses that may be at work. That lead me to talk with Him about generational curses in my own family. I poured out prayers of thanksgiving for ones broken, as well as prayers against those that still effect members of my family, even myself. As my time talking to Him about this area ended I felt another snip.

God made me realize that He is still preparing me to be a wife and a mother, or mother figure. He spoke into an area in me that needs some snipping. I have always wanted others to see me in a good light and therefor I needed to be super. The biggest area in my life where this is evident is that I must be Super Teacher. Not that I expect that I will be the best teacher ever; that I know I am not. Yet I wanted others to think of me in that way. Super Teacher is the one parents request. Super Teacher is the one kids say, " I hope I get her as my teacher next year." Super Teacher is respected by administration and other teachers. This year, Super Teacher took some significant hits, and today I realized that part of the reason it hurt so much was because I can't be, shouldn't strive to be, Super Teacher. As that pruning snip became evident this evening, I also realized some of that wife/mother-to-be preparing include breaking the false thinking that I will be Super Wife and Super Mom. I planned, and yes I know it's completely crazy to expect it of myself, to be Super Wife. I planned to always be loving, to always respect and honor, to never argue with him, to be the perfect wifey. God made me admit that there will be times I don't like my husband. There will be times he will say or do something and I won't want to honor him. There will be times I will be selfish and pouty and definitely not Super Wife. Likewise, He showed me that I won't always be the Super Mother I had convinced myself that I planned to be. I won't always be smiley, let's bake cookies or make a craft, or go to Chick fil a and enjoy a meal and playtime in the playroom. Snip. Snip. Snip.

This internal pruning session continued as one area I talked with about He lead to another and another. I cried and I laughed and I learned more about myself. Next week I'm getting my hair cut, and I know it needs to be done. I look in the mirror and I think it looks heavy. My hair tends to bounce when it gets cut. If I say only take off an inch, but the stylist thinks that's too little and cuts 2 or 3, my hair bounces even more and ends up looking much shorter than it actually is. I have had more than one apologize that they cut too much off and I just have to smile and say, "that's why I told you my hair bounces up when cut." I hope that this evenings pruning session do that for me. Make my bounce up and be lighter, healthier, and happier. None of us likes being pruned, but I am thankful for my time with Him this evening and the things Holy Spirit revealed to me to help me pray for others, but also to have pruned away from me.

Disclaimer: my current stylist always cuts just the right amount. She's amazing! 😁

You Fulfill Me, Well Not Exactly

Not a video link, just a photo from The Chat with Priscilla

Most of us have seen at least one movie where the cheese line "you complete me" or "you fulfill me"  has been uttered. Those of you who love Hallmark movies, especially the Christmas ones subject yourselves, I mean enjoy watching, characters say this line or something close to it. The line nauseates me. Could you tell? Why do we keep hearing it movies and TV shows? Because people believe it is possible. Well, I don't. Well, not exactly.

Yesterday, I was watching a cute animal video and as it ended the next video came up and it was "What Men Wish Women Know" part 2 from The Chat with Priscilla. I had no idea there was such a thing! Well, I was intrigued but thought I should look for part 1 and watch that first. A quick search and I was watching Priscilla Shirer talking to five men, one being her husband and another her brother, about what women should know about men. I was intrigued but what these men, four of whom were married and one not, had to say about various topics regarding what men think, feel, and need. I had to watch part 2 as soon as part 1 ended. It was an hour of my life that I am very glad I experienced. Why? Not just because I learned something about a man that I hope will help me in a  relationship with one (hopefully soon). But a deeper understanding come to light for me. Bear with me as I try to explain. I'm not sure I will do as well explaining it as God revealed it to me, well, I'm sure I won't.

The saying, "you fulfill me" is inaccurate, but not completely wrong. As a teacher, I have a part of my very existence that needs children in order for it to be fulfilled. I can plan a great lesson, set up a warm and inviting room, and attend meetings (okay, those are rarely fun) but without the kids I am not a teacher. The time I spend with them, the discussions we have, the moments they get a new concept, or the joy they find in exploring books, problems, adventures, fulfill the part of me that is a teacher. I need them. I need to impart something into them for that part of me to be fulfilled. I think that might be why the summer months, although very much needed and enjoyed, leave me feeling unfulfilled. People still call me a teacher when I'm not at school, but without the kids that part of me that needs them feels empty. 

Not everyone is a teacher, so let me explain it another way. Let me try friendship. We are drawn to people who we have something in common with, but more than that, we are drawn to people who speak into our lives. A friend should encourage our dreams. A friend should share in our joys and sorrows. A friend should, gently, point out our wrong thinking and help guide us back to the right path. A friend should be someone we pour into, not just someone we take from. I can call myself Friend only if I am doing that for others. If I'm not, why would they want to be around me? To fulfill the friend part of me, I must invest in others, otherwise the relationship is meaningless. It is unfulfilling. 

So in a love relationship, in my case, with a man, he fulfills a part of who I am not just by his mere presence, but rather because I am needed to nurture the part of him only a wife can. He needs me to encourage him with his dreams he can't tell anyone else about. He needs me to speak truth into his life. He needs to know I feel protected by him. He needs to know I feel provided for, not just materially but also that my heart. He needs to know I believe in him, support him, cherish him, love him. He needs to know that he is my one and only. When I am able to do and be that for him, the part of me that is called wife is fulfilled. I need him in order to have that part fulfilled. I am fulfilled not because he has embraced me and kissed me like in all those movies, but because that part of me is fulfilled as I do my part to be his wife. If I am just in the relationship to have him take care of me then I will never experience the fulfillment of being a wife. I think that is part of why marriages fail. The wife doesn't take care of his heart and the husband takes take care of her heart. They don't do the work that fills the needs in their partner, so they feel unfulfilled and that is the beginning of the end of their relationship. 

If all the parts of who I am are doing what they need for the others in my life then I will experience the fulfillment I long for. 

Disclaimer: I know that our ultimate fulfillment comes from our relationship with Christ. But God expects us to go out and fill the parts of us He created us to be, whether it be sibling, friend, parent, spouse, or in our occupations. He called us to do for others in those roles. When we do what He has called us to do we experience fulfillment. It is an interesting catch 22, in order to be a teacher I need students, but if I don't do for them what they need I am just an adult in the room with them. I need them and I need to impart into them in order to wear the title of teacher. I hope this all makes sense. If not, I hope God will do a better job explaining it to your heart.

Oh, and by the way, I plan to check out more of The Chat with Priscilla videos. You can find them on YouTube. 

Hold Out Your Cup

Credit to newgenerationchapel.org

Another one of those "when is it going to happen" days. Trusting God to move mountains is hard. Today has been a roller coaster of emotions kind of day, no more like a roller coaster of thoughts kind of day. I started off smiling and excited. Then I cried as I thought of someone (not a bad cry, more of an overwhelmed by feeling cry, and unexpected). Then I prayed and felt peace. Then I cried again when an unwelcome offer appeared. Then I wondered if I was being a brat and should just accept. Then I crawled into my bed (okay I just sat on it since the sheets were in the wash) and read a new book, devoured it for a couple of hours. Then I checked on openings, okay I did that a lot today. Then I cried because there weren't any. Then I prayed, I actually did that many times today for various reasons, and asked for exactly what I want (I'm not good at asking for I want). Then I clicked on Facebook and found nothing new since the last time I checked. The same was true for Twitter, email, and Instagram. Then I click on Pinterest and two things showed up on the screen of my phone. The first said, "Stop worrying! I've got this! -God" and the second was the picture above. I didn't even look at this picture though, because I had already smiled and figured God had used Pinterest once again to speak to me. As I started to close the app, I saw it and was drawn to it. 

I know many people know Psalm 23 and consider it a favorite. I am not alone in this, but for me it is more than just some verses I enjoy. I recite them often, when I'm feeling low and when I'm feeling good. Sometimes only certain verses come to mind and I mediate on them. This morning, I read a prayer about trusting God and Psalm 23 was mentioned. For some reason "my cup runneth over" caught my attention, but I didn't think much of it. I thought of it again later in the day, but once again briefly. Then I saw this image and I realized something, that may or may not be profound. I have to hold my cup out. I always thought of it just sitting there on that table prepared for me before my enemies. It's part of the same verse. But this image caused me to wonder, the table is prepared by God for me but the cup is mine. If it's mine, where is it? Do I have it sitting out or shut up in a cupboard? Is it safely set aside so no one can tip it over? Is it behind my back because I am withholding it? I can say that I don't think I'm holding in my two hands, out to the One who longs to fill it to overflowing. 

I jumped onto my online Bible, typed in Psalm 23 and clicked on the tab that takes me to the Interlinear (the Hebrew), and clicked on the Strong's tab and learned "my cup" comes from unused root meaning "to hold together" and in some sort of container. I then clicked on "overflows" and it means "saturation, run over, wealthy, abundance". This made me think of another verse Ephesians 3:20 "Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us." As Priscilla Shirer would say "beyond, beyond". 

My doubt tells me that I will have to settle again for a position I don't want because I need the job. My doubt tells me that I will never marry My Beloved. My doubt says I will have to continue to watch other mothers love their kids and just be okay with that. I already said I have a hard time asking for what I want, and I need to come out from under that and ask. And not just ask, but grab that cup from where ever it is hiding, wrap both my hands around it, and hold it out to be filled to overflowing! Am is saying just because I want it I get it? No, but I need to ask. And I need to believe that whatever He pours into that cup will be beyond blessings for me. 

Imagine how it will feel to have blessings run down my hands and onto others near me! That is the true meaning of abundance!

Can and Will Are Not the Same

I believe that God can do the impossible in my life.

I believe that God will do the impossible in my life.

Do you see the difference? It's more than just in the wording of the two sentences. It's also in what I believe deep within me. One I believe wholeheartedly. The other I want to believe. Oh, I believe it in those soul-stirring moments of joy, but in the everyday do I? No, I don't.

I have seen miracles happen in the lives of others. I have marveled at what He has done. I have smiled as others gained long awaited answers to the prayers of their hearts. And I have doubted. Not that  He performed the miracle. Not that He marveled. Not that He answered their prayers. I doubt that He will do miracles like that for me.

In my life He has worked. A lot. I have seen His hand at work in my life, and not just in things others can see, like a house I wanted to buy or a new car when my 12 year-old ride was clearly on her last tanks of gas. Inside me things. Fears released. Healing of long-ago hurts. Changes of perspective. Sins forgiven. Heart softening. Still unbelief festers.

I pray along the lines of the Mark 9:24 "I believe, help my unbelief!" I am very aware of my unbelief, and I pray He would help my unbelief become belief. I know He can. I wish I believed He will.

I have a professional desire that I've toyed with for a few years now. But I worry that although I want it, it won't ever happen. I see no open door. I have knocked, many a time, but it has remained closed to me. Is it because it's not the right time? The right desire for me? Is something better in His plan? Or does my lack of belief that He will stop it from happening? Is He asking me to believe fully before He open the door? Not in a dog-and-pony-show way, a you-must-first-show-Me-you'll-believe-before-I-do-it way, but rather in a my faith needs to increase way.

There are other areas of my life where this is true too. It seems like anytime I tell God what I would like there's this nagging unbelief thing that quickly settles in and chases away a chance to believe. Today, I sighed, hit the submit button once again for a door. I sighed because I instantly went to my believe that He can but He probably won't. The can needs to change to will. Not that I can am trying to force Him to do my will, but my belief needs to change. If it's still the wrong door, I don't want it opened anyway, but that's not the point really. It's that I need to start believing that He is not just a God who can do the impossible, but rather that He will do the impossible. Even if that impossible looks different than what I want.

Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!