I'm not sure why on July 22, 2019 God has asked me to share something I don't believe I have ever shared with anyone. But He just brought it to my heart and mind and said "share". I know my blog audience is small, it's much smaller than it used to be, but God has been churning out posts this month for a reason. So here goes.
People often say that you will never forget your two birth dates, the one one which you were physically born and the one that you were spiritual born on, but I can't tell you one of them. It's not that I don't remember my conversion experience because I remember most of it quite well, but rather it's because it was the first time that I know of that satan spoke to me. I hear stories of people's saved experiences and the joy of that time is so evident in what they say. I don't have that experience. Mine brought me shame for years!
I was 9 years-old and my two brothers and I were invited by a friend to a Kid's Crusade meeting. I remember sitting in the room with my brothers right next to me as this woman shared with us about Jesus. I don't remember exactly what she said, but I remember enjoying it and wanting the things she was sharing. I wanted Jesus! The point in the meeting came where everyone was to bow their heads and close their eyes and if they felt like they wanted to accept Jesus they were to pray the words she spoke. I prayed them! I wanted Jesus! I felt the warmth of Jesus coming into my heart and a smile spread across my face. Then we opened our eyes and she asked us to either stand up or put our hands up, I don't remember which, if we had prayed the prayer and accepted Jesus. That was when satan spoke to me.
He told me I couldn't do that. He said I wasn't good enough to claim I had accepted Jesus. He asked me, "what will people think of you if I admit you needed Jesus? Won't they think you are bad?" So while others around me, including both of my brothers declared they had accepted Jesus I just sat there. I was embarrassed. He convinced me that I wasn't worthy of claiming salvation. That wasn't the end of his lies, because when I told my mom I had accepted Jesus he spoke again, "no you didn't because you did stand (or raise your hand)." The day that should have been the most exciting day of my life was ruined by lies.
This went on for years. I can remember being in middle school and thinking that I wasn't saved. Satan told me over and over again that because I didn't declare Jesus before those other kids I was not a Christian. He told me that it didn't matter that I had my very own Bible that I read. He told me it didn't matter that I went to church and Christian school, that I sang about Jesus and talked about Him and even loved Him. He told me none of it mattered because I listened to him on that day when I was nine and didn't declare it.
I can't tell you exactly when, but I know I was a teenager when I finally stopped believing the lies. God finally broke through the web of lies satan had spun and assured me that I was saved. He assured me that I had declared before others time and time again my salvation. I remember feeling the joy and freedom of that realization. I guess that it is what others felt when they had their conversion experience.
I've wondered over the years why satan worked so hard to convince me. Who am I that he would work so hard? I'm not going to claim that I had it any harder than my brothers, but in some areas of my life I have. Just like in some areas of their lives they had it harder than me. Why didn't try to convince them? Why did he just pick me to torment with these lies? I have felt since I was nine years old the tug of satan to pull me off track. He succeeded from time to time, but God always lead me back. I would think as a mid-aged woman (this is the first time I've considered myself that) that by now I would know. I would have seen what he worked so hard to prevent. I know my teaching is a ministry and I hope that the boys and girls who I have taught were ministered to by me. Somehow I don't think that's it though. I feel like there is something more to my life, something more important that I am made for. I believe satan wanted me derailed so that I couldn't get there. Once the lies were exposed he moved on to other areas to lie to me about and the biggest area of my life that has been affected is my relationships with males.
My earthly father was not a good example of a husband or father. I kissed Allen on the playground when I was five. That makes me giggle a little, because that's all I remember about him, his name, but it was my first "relationship". I never had much in the way of boyfriends when I was young. I had a couple boyfriends in middle school, but one relationship ended so badly it soured me from relationships for years. I liked a boy in high school, a lot! He and I were great friends and spent a lot of time together in the library, but my feelings for him were much stronger than his for me. I asked him to my senior dinner (my Christian school had no prom or formal) and he agreed to go with me. My mom and I went dress shopping and bought shoes and I had my hair done. But he never showed up. I went through the evening, which I can tell you barely anything about, with a fake smile on my face and a heart that was broken. I went to college and had a few crushes, but never pursued any relationship. There was this one guy, Joe, who I spent a long evening with in the ER. That's a totally different story. After that, when he would see me he'd say "hi" and be friendly, but I was so unsure of myself I blew it and he stopped trying. It was years before I liked anyone again, and looking back I can see that my motives were based on the fact that I loved his son as if he was my own and not that I really loved this man. But I plotted and manipulated and tried too convince God he was the one. He wasn't and now I can say I am glad that God said "no!"
I can't say for 100% certainty that my future marriage is why satan has been so actively trying to divert me throughout my life, but I do believe God has a husband all picked out for me. I doubt that too, but I believe it more that He does than that He doesn't. I don't know what it is about me possibly being married that satan would try to stop it. But I do know that at nine I was saved and he started lying to me, and at ten my heart's desire to have a family, a husband and a whole bunch of kids, was birthed in me. Someday I hope that all my years of waiting, crying, and attempting to be pushed off track will result not only in a marriage to the man God has picked out just for me, and the child(ren) He has chosen me to mother, but a testimony that satan realizes he failed to stop from happening. I hope that God will give me insight and words to share of His amazing miraculous working power. I pray that my testimony will minister to others and give them hope. I want to declare through my marriage and family that God does indeed restore all the years that they locust has eaten!
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