Friday, March 22, 2013

Words Hurt

Yesterday someone said something that was like a dagger to my heart. The comment wasn't meant to be, but it was. I was explaining a health issue when the comment was made. "It could be premenopause."

Just like that, the knife that never feels far from my heart, was twisted. Of course, it didn't get better. She proceeded to say "hey, it happens. You're getting up there you know." Yes, insensitive, is the word I was thinking of too.

The comment made my thinking, my negative thinking, go into overdrive. My thoughts go to the one thing that I have always wanted, for as long as I can remember, to be a mom. The desires and dreams rush through my thoughts and crash in a heap. Yes, I know how old I am. I don't need to be reminded that I'm "getting up there". I don't need to be reminded that the only real dream I have ever had is quickly becoming an empty dream.

This experience surpassed all the times that I've been told that all my students are like my children. Said, each and every time, by mothers. Yeah, that compares with giving birth, or adopting a child, and being their mom for their whole life. Yup, 10 months with a child is the same thing. No, it isn't the same thing at all, not even close.

Last week something else happened and it hurt my heart too. I realized that no one knew it. No one has any idea that it hurts me. Someone loses a loved one and people are sensitive to their loss. They understand that something, even something innocent, can bring up painful thoughts and memories for the person. People are sympathetic. However, when you have a heart pain that people can't see and don't understand, you don't get that sympathy. I realized then that my suffering may never be understood, except by the others who experience it too. I know I am not the only one. I understand that and in many ways I know that means I have suffer in silence. God is the only one who hears my heart and really knows my pain.

I try to just forget about, move on, let it go. Sometimes that just doesn't work. I was busy pinning on Pinterest and knew that I needed to write about it. I ignored it until I couldn't ignore it any longer. So, I just said, "okay God, I'll write." I don't know why He asks me to do this. I don't really enjoy putting stuff like this out there. I understand we all have hurts, and some of us have unfulfilled dreams, longings. I guess sometimes it is important to let others know that they're not alone. Maybe that's the point of this post. Maybe it is just a chance for me to let some of the hurt out. Maybe God is telling me to acknowledge my pain and not ignore it, I am very good at that.

Do I know that God will fulfill my heart's desire? No, I don't know that. I know that some people never get their desire fulfilled, even people who love God and live for Him. What I do know is that He is with me, even in the pain.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I Never Knew You

If you don't read the devotions that I write on this site, I feel that the message of today's devotion is extremely important. It is way to important to ignore. Please consider following the link above.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Not Sure How To Do It

Last night I cried myself to sleep. Remember, yesterday I was over thinking something. Well, that over thinking decided to spread to other areas and I ended up crying it all out to God.

I find it easy to tell Him how I am feeling, how I have been hurt, yet I find it very difficult to tell others. Why? Why do I find it so hard to tell someone that they hurt me? Why do I find it so hard?

I guess I find it hard to do because I don't want to hurt them back. I don't want to hurt others. I know that telling them that what they said, did, or didn't will make them feel better. It may hurt them, and I don't want to do that. So, most of the time I just remain silent.

Then there is this thing called history. I can think back to times when I did tell others that they hurt me and it turned out badly. There was rejection or anger or even turning on me. You know, all that girl drama stuff. Oh, how I hate girl drama. So, I avoid telling people because I don't want to risk the possibility of drama.

Which leads me right back to  do I tell them that they hurt me or  not? Do I tell them how it made me feel? Part of me really wants to and then the other part of me hears it in my head and thinks "wow, that sounds so selfish!".

What is the answer? I don't know. I do know that I can continue to talk to God about it, and here's the important part, I have to listen to what He says to do. So, that's what I know I will do. And I would appreciate your prayers too.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Over Thinking Too Much, Yeah Probably Didn't Need That Too Much Part

I am a processor. I try not to respond too quickly. I try to give myself time to think things over. I tend to over think things too.

Today, I asked a question and although I was pretty sure of the answer, it still kind of bugged me. I didn't have time to think much about it at the time, but since then I have.

Now, I try not to think too much about me, to not be selfish. Yup, that is hard because I tend to be the one I think about the most. Oh, be honest, you probably do too. But, I try not to.

Yet, I have been over thinking something, and I am trying to figure out if I'm just being selfish or not. Is it selfish to feel like your voice is not being heard? I know I have said the same thing, twice, in regards to the question I asked today. I guess I hoped it would have been respected, but I don't think it was. Then I start to think the other side of it and think "should other people change something because of what I say?" I guess not, at least not all the time or anything.  ;)

Then I have to think about whether or not it is even worth it. Yes, I want to spend time deepening friendships, but if it is a way that I don't feel comfortable or even right about, is it worth it? Is it enough to just do the things with people that I truly enjoy, and not just do something that I don't really? Should I just be uncomfortable and deal with it, give it a try?

Did I mention I tend to over think things? I wonder if I am just over thinking this. I wonder if I need to just stop thinking. I wonder if I should just put up and shut up. I would love to say that I am going to stop thinking about this, but I probably won't.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Unknown Feelings

Do men ever have the emotional rollercoaster rides that women experience? Oh, I know they have ups and downs just like I do. I just wonder if they come on in less than a moment and sometimes they have no apparent reason at all. Or is this just one of the joys that women get to experience?

Today I was fine. Really, had a pretty good day. Went for a walk and felt good and tired afterwards. Then I got in my car and a good song came on the radio and I felt I couldn't sing along. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I felt this sadness sweep over me for no apparent reason. So I just drove home and wondered what was the matter with me.

I still don't know. I still have no idea. I'm not a very dramatic person, but I feel a bit dramatic right now. I tried to just feel and hope that the feeling would just seep away. Then I knew that I needed to come on here and just let it out by writing.

I still don't know why I feel this way, but writing about it and sharing my feelings help.