Yesterday someone said something that was like a dagger to my heart. The comment wasn't meant to be, but it was. I was explaining a health issue when the comment was made. "It could be premenopause."
Just like that, the knife that never feels far from my heart, was twisted. Of course, it didn't get better. She proceeded to say "hey, it happens. You're getting up there you know." Yes, insensitive, is the word I was thinking of too.
The comment made my thinking, my negative thinking, go into overdrive. My thoughts go to the one thing that I have always wanted, for as long as I can remember, to be a mom. The desires and dreams rush through my thoughts and crash in a heap. Yes, I know how old I am. I don't need to be reminded that I'm "getting up there". I don't need to be reminded that the only real dream I have ever had is quickly becoming an empty dream.
This experience surpassed all the times that I've been told that all my students are like my children. Said, each and every time, by mothers. Yeah, that compares with giving birth, or adopting a child, and being their mom for their whole life. Yup, 10 months with a child is the same thing. No, it isn't the same thing at all, not even close.
Last week something else happened and it hurt my heart too. I realized that no one knew it. No one has any idea that it hurts me. Someone loses a loved one and people are sensitive to their loss. They understand that something, even something innocent, can bring up painful thoughts and memories for the person. People are sympathetic. However, when you have a heart pain that people can't see and don't understand, you don't get that sympathy. I realized then that my suffering may never be understood, except by the others who experience it too. I know I am not the only one. I understand that and in many ways I know that means I have suffer in silence. God is the only one who hears my heart and really knows my pain.
I try to just forget about, move on, let it go. Sometimes that just doesn't work. I was busy pinning on Pinterest and knew that I needed to write about it. I ignored it until I couldn't ignore it any longer. So, I just said, "okay God, I'll write." I don't know why He asks me to do this. I don't really enjoy putting stuff like this out there. I understand we all have hurts, and some of us have unfulfilled dreams, longings. I guess sometimes it is important to let others know that they're not alone. Maybe that's the point of this post. Maybe it is just a chance for me to let some of the hurt out. Maybe God is telling me to acknowledge my pain and not ignore it, I am very good at that.
Do I know that God will fulfill my heart's desire? No, I don't know that. I know that some people never get their desire fulfilled, even people who love God and live for Him. What I do know is that He is with me, even in the pain.