When I was young I played with my brothers and neighbors in the woods; climbed barbwire fences, climbed trees; ate pears straight from the trees; played wiffle ball; swam in our above ground pool; tobogganed and sledded in my neighbor's pasture; ran across the hay fields; made mud pies; thrilled over finding barn kittens in the hay loft; and never knew there was anything wrong with that. I learned there was something wrong with my country life when the town girls in school made fun of me for it. Obviously, now I look back and know better. There was nothing wrong with living on our farm. I wish, almost daily, that I still lived on a small farm with barn cats and even chickens, which I've been afraid of since I was attacked by a rooster when I was three.
I didn't know there was anything wrong with being the child of divorced parents until my closest friend's mother made it know that my mother was bad for being divorced. I didn't realize that I wasn't good enough to be her friend because of it. I love that she remained my friend anyway, even though I always felt the judgment in her mother's eyes. Once, again, I now know that there was nothing wrong with me because of my parents' martial status.
I worked at a retreat during the summers when I was in college. People of all ages came there usually for a week at a time. A friend I worked with told me some of the teenage girls thought I was conceited because I didn't look at them when I passed them; I didn't interact with them. I remember laughing because that was the farthest thing from the truth. I didn't interact with them because they seemed so cool, so popular, and I felt inferior to them. I rarely saw any value in me.
When I was young I used to say, "I'm cute! I'm sweet! And everybody loves me!" Deep inside I knew it wasn't true but I wanted to believe it. Not everybody loved me, some didn't even like me. Some didn't like me because my family had less than theirs. Some didn't like me because of my parents. One girl in college didn't like because I thought her boyfriend was cute, but I thought that before she even came to my college. I also never did anything besides think he was cute. I remember being shocked that she even disliked me so much over a thought. I was definitely not the only girl who thought so. Some people didn't like me, and I didn't even know why. I still don't.
We all have character flaws that we aren't aware of. I always wonder how it's possible that we don't know what it is, but they are so obvious to others. I know many of my character faults, but often wonder what is it I don't know about myself that turns people off to me. I ask God about it from time to time. That He reveals it to me and helps me work on it so I no longer have it.
Right now I am experiencing one of these time when something about me makes someone else not like me. A time when I don't understand why someone wants to be nice to my face, but then behind my back is trying to get rid of me. In the past, I would just cower and let the person walk all over me. This time I believe that God wants me to stand up against this. If I am at fault then that would be one thing, but I've never done anything but my job and let others do theirs. Some day I know I will look back and see the value in this, how God will use this time to help others. How do I know, because in many of the above mentioned situations in my life I have been able to help students who go through the same or similar situations. I marvel at how He uses even our deepest hurts to help us and others.
