Dealing with Emotions is Something I Really Never Want to Do!

This morning I have gone from feeling angry to feeling sad to feeling rejected to feeling angry to feeling useless to feeling sad. And probably a few more emotions packed in there too, and it's only 11 AM!

Oh, and these range of wandering emotions don't even have to do with just one thing. I think if it did it would be easier. It would be easier to identify what was the trigger of all the emotions and leave that in God's hands. But my mind jumps from one thing to another and each jump brings with it its own set of emotions. What are some of these things?

I don't want to be a teacher anymore. I mean I really don't want to be a teacher anymore! This is not just a couple of rough years in a row. I just have no spark left for teaching. I used to love it. I was able to come up with ideas of ways to help my students. I loved the challenge. Now, I still can come up with things, but I definitely don't love the challenge. I feel closed in, like I've been shoved into a box with no way out. I look forward to each weekend as if it is a vacation, and I really don't want Mondays to come. I am tired of each year hearing about what "next year's class" is going to be like. It is never good news. Do I still care for the kids? Yes. I just don't want to do this anymore.

What else? That does seem like enough to be dealing with to me.

I am feeling like some friendships are growing and deepening. That is NOT a bad thing. I am enjoying this. However, other ones seemed to be going through a phase that I have had to endure a few times before. Have you ever had a relationship, or two, or more like this? You invest and invest into the other person and things seem to be going well, and then you have a need. You need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk something through with. Yet, the other person is too interested in themselves to even acknowledge your need. Unfortunately, I have been there a few times. I can think of a time when a friend and I made all kinds of plans to do together on my birthday. She came over and we started in on our plans and then she announces she is leaving early to go hang out with a group of married friends and their kids. She was married and wanted kids. I was shocked that she would just ditch me like that. That hurt!

Right now I feel God telling me to step out into a few new things and a friend who I expected would be supportive, hasn't been. It hasn't been that she has been discouraging, but rather she has been silent and indifferent. I know I do not need anyone else's approval to do something I feel God is telling me to do, but I can't say that it doesn't hurt to not get it.

Part of the anger that I have been feeling is in regards to people taking what they have for advantage and even treating it as if it is not sacred,which it is. I have to remember that sometimes I take things, even major things, for granted. I also have to remember not to judge other people based on my standards or even my beliefs. I have to remember that God has each of us at different stages in our lives and I can't judge someone because they are in a different one. That one is a hard one, the not judging part!

Well, there are more things, but I think I've bared enough of me for now. I have a lot of trouble doing that, but I knew that blogging would help me to release some of the frustration with the emotions that I have been feeling today, and over the last few days in particular. Last night I felt such a peace come over me when I was deep in the muck of one of these emotions. I know that peace was God. I also know He has called me to share my struggles with my mind, emotions, and steeping out into the changes He has for me. That means sharing here. I hope this relates to someone and helps.

Why?

Why can I go days, weeks, even months without feeling the loss of not having the desire of my heart met? Why does it seem to come on suddenly, and unexpectedly? Why does it grip my heart, twist, and leave me in tears?

I know just because I want something doesn't mean I will get it. I am too much of a realist to think just because I want it, it will happen. I'm not talking about not having the faith to believe He can do it. I am talking about knowing that many a man and woman have longed for something, more than anything else, and it never came to pass. Did they not believe that God could do it? I am sure many of them did, but it never happened for them. So I understand that just desring doesn't mean it will happen.

I just want to be okay with it. I want to not feel the deep ache of not having a family of my own. I want to be content with the life that God has for me. Why can't I be?

My Favorite Person in the Bible

Her story is brief yet found in Matthew, Mark, and Luke. It is a bit longer in the Mark and Luke versions, but I love the Matthew version because of its simplicity.

"And Jesus rose and followed him, with his disciples. And behold, a woman who suffered from a discharge of blood for twelve years came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, for she said to herself, "If I only touch his garment, I will be made well." Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, "Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well." And instantly the woman was made well." Matthew 9:19-22

Why? Because, oh my, there are so many reasons, where do I start. Seriously, I don't know where to start. I love her for so many reasons. I could write and write about her and have even toyed with the idea, a few years ago, about writing a book about her. I still might.

Okay, for this post I am just going to focus on how the fact that she only thought that if she just touched Him she would be made healed. Think about it while people are following Him and calling after Him and begging Him to touch them, she thinks if she just touches Him she'll be made whole. Do you see the difference?

She know He was the One. The only One who could heal her or anyone for that matter. Why does she think this? I can't be totally sure, but I think it is because she believes He is the Messiah, the Son of God. I mean who else but the Son of God could heal her by her touching Him. Wait, not even Him. She knew that just touch His clothing could heal her. That is faith, in my opinion, arguably the best example of complete faith in the whole Bible.

She didn't beg Him. She didn't get in His face so He could see her. She didn't invite Him to come to her, by the way He was on the way to heal someone else's daughter. She didn't need one-on-one time with Him. She didn't seek an audience or schedule a faith heaing session. She demanded nothing of Him. She just knew that she would be healed by touching Him.

This is just one of the many reasons why I love her. That kind of faith is the kind I would like to have!

Knowing "No!"

Have you ever been doing something or thinking something and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was a "no"? I have.

Today I was looking into something on the Internet, nothing bad mind you, but I knew in my spirit that God was saying, "no". I wasn't supposed to be thinking about it. It is an option for my future, but He has said "no" it is not.

Now, the struggle I have with this "no" is that it isn't a bad thing. It makes "sense" for a next step for me. It even is something that, in many ways, appeals to me. Also, I already kind of said I was interested in it. I am not a good "no" sayer (my students might argue that point!). I am especially not a good "no" sayer after I already said "yes". I will have to deal with that when the time is right.

Yesterday, I wrote about having trouble with trusting God with my future. I am however, happy to know that one option is out. I know it is because He said "no". Sometimes I don't like being told "no", I mean who does. But this "no" actually encourages me. It lets me know that I can hear His voice. It also lets me know He has something else for me. And it lets me know that I don't have to figure out what to do. He already has a plan. He already knows what the "yes" will be.

This trusting in Him thing is hard, but there is freedom in knowing His "no".

Why Can't I Just Trust?

In 2000 I knew that I was going to be moving on from the school where I was working and from New York. I knew when the end of the school year, June 2001, came along I would be making a major change. Now, I would be lying if I didn't say that there were times of doubt, but for the most part I just believed He was going to take care of everything.

This time is different! I know that changes are coming, and I am trying to figure out what the change is going to be. I did not do that in 2000/2001. So, why am I virtually obsessing about it now?

Is it lack of faith? It's not that I don't know He is faithful, because I know He is. He has proven that over and over again. Is it because it is so much bigger than any chnage I have experienced before? I don't know. All I do know is it makes me anxious and I don't consider myself an anxious person.

Part of me wonders why I am even writing this blog, okay all of me, but I tried to ignore the urge to write it for awhile, but the urge just got worse. So, here I am typing away about my obsessive, anxious, whirling thoughts of how I know change is coming, and I am not trusting Him. I hope that means someone will benefit from it!

Too Many Ideas To Think About

Last night, when I finally crawled into bed, my mind was jumping. I have stated before that I am in need of a change. Lately, I have been running with an idea that kind of excited me. Yesterday, I thought, "really? Is this really what I want to do?" Honestly, I don't think so anymore. Amazing what a couple of hours can do to my thoughts. I really think I was trying to figure out a way to do something new and still be doing something "safe".

Today, I endured a meeting and thought, "I really don't want to do this anymore!" After getting home I went on my walk, and I was thinking, "I could keep doing what I have been doing. It is "safe". I am used to it. I think I might even be good at it. But I really don't want too."

So, back to my jumping thoughts from last night. There are so many things that I have wanted to do. So many things that have actually dreamed of doing, some that I have been dreaming of doing for years. I was wondering if one of those things is what I am supposed to do, or is it possible that God wants me to do something I haven't even thought of. The easiest way to find out is to ask. So, I did.

I told God that I have so many ideas and I wanted them all to go away, except for the correct one. I don't want to think about "maybes" and "what ifs". I don't want to focus on anything that keeps my mind too busy to hear His voice. I only want to walk in the way that He leads me in. I don't want to try to figure it out, but I do want to do the right thing. I want to focus my thoughts on the right thoughts.

Last night I had an interesting dream and the interesting part was that a friend was working at God's Way Academy. We went to another school and the guy in charge was horrible. I kept thinking I wanted to get out of that school. I wanted her to take to me to God's Way Academy. I wanted to be there so badly. Soon the guy got so bad that we left and on the way out I told her to tell me about God's Way Academy. Then I woke up.

I smiled and thought, "that is where I want to be. I want to be right there, in God's Way."

Sometimes I Just Need to Ask for Prayer

Honesty time! Today I hoped to get through the day without having an emotional lapse or worse a breakdown. I was not successful!

Facebook reminded me that three of my friends had birthdays today. I went to two of those and wished them a "happy birthday", but the third I needed to wait on. I wasn't sure that I could actually wish a happy birthday. I mean I wanted to, but I wasn't sure how I would handle it.

This evening I knew that I had to take the chance and wish "happy birthday". For one reason, I would never want him to think that I didn't care that it was his birthday. For another, I am an expert at avoiding things in order to not deal. I knew I couldn't just not deal. I knew I had to deal. So I did it.

I was then hit with emotions. Honestly, not as badly as I could imagine, but hard anyway. I struggled with it for a few minutes and then I did what I knew I had to. I reached out and asked for prayer. Then I cried.

Within minutes a bunch of people were praying for me, even though they had no idea why. As they prayed I felt God comfort my heart. I am still sad, but not to the point I was earlier. And certainly not as sad as I have been in the past.

God is healing me. Sometimes much slower than I wish, but He is healing me. Leaving it all in His hands is sometimes the hardest thing He asks me to do, but that is where He has asked me to put it. And that is where He wants me to leave it.

The Battle of Taking the Next Step

"It was at this point that Bilbo stopped. Going on from there was the bravest thing he ever did. The tremendous things that happened afterwards were as nothing compared to it. He fought the real battle in the tunnel alone, before he ever saw the vast danger that lay in wait." The Hobbit

Bilbo, the hobbit, is walking down the dark tunnel on the way to the dragon and he stops. Obviously, from what Tolkien wrote I know he goes on, but my favorite thing about these few sentences is that I can totally relate.

Nope, no dragon tunnel walking for me. I do however know what it is like to being walking toward something unknown, unseen, and maybe even unsettling. I do know that moment of stopping. That moment of knowing that the next step will take me beyond the point of returning. I do know the truth that that moment truly is where the real battle is fought.

You know what I mean? The battle of fighting the fear of taking the next step. The battle of fighting the desire to turn around and run back up the tunnel. The battle of "what ifs" and "hows". That battle between letting distrust rule my thoughts and knowing that trusting that step is the best choice to make.

I admire Bilbo because he does make that step. I mean no man, or hobbit, in his or her right mind thinks that facing a dragon will be a piece of cake. He knows there will be danger and he takes the step forward anyway. He wins the battle, the real battle, and I know that I can be like Bilbo and win that battle too.

(excerpt is from The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien)

He Works Gently

About a year ago I gave up a major roadblock in my life. At that time I wrote a post about how God deals with things when I am ready and not before that. Well, a little over a year later He revealed more to me about this same roadblock.

No, it is not back. I did not pick it back up again and I have not dwelt on it since. But yesterday as I was waking up He spoke to me about it and I was surprised by it. See, this week I saw a photo of me from last spring. I was about 20 pounds heavier than I am now, and it was a horrible reality check. Yes, I have been working on working it off, but what He revealed wasn't about that.

He told me that the reason I have a weight issue is because of what happened all those years ago. He took me back and I saw that I started to deal with my weight afterwards and it has been a struggle ever since. He showed me that I used it as a self-protection strategy. He showed me that my history of ups and downs with weight was connected to when I was allowing the past to control.

He showed me that even though my weight is going down, way slower than I would like, I need to know the reason for the struggle. It isn't because I have no will power or like food too much. It isn't about how much I exercise or not. It is about letting the past control my present. I might have given up the roadblock, but I didn't even realize I still was dealing with the mental and emotional baggage still.

So,now I know. Will the weight loss still be a struggle at times? Yes! But will it be because of the emotional self-protection based on the past? I will be placing that in His hands, and I know He will gently continue to work on freeing me. Eventually my weight, whether there are ups and downs or not, will have nothing to do with it.

The Path

Recently I went to see The Hobbit and I walked away really mad. Some how I was not aware that the movie wasn't going to be about the whole book. That was a rude awakening! So I needed to run to the store and pick up a copy of the book.

Well, earlier today when I was reading it I got to the part where the dwarfs and Bilboa leave the path in Mirkwood Forest. They are traveling through this scary, dark forest, well to get to the other side. They are warned, twice, not to leave the path. No matter what they were supposed to stay on the path. 

In the story they are actually almost to the other side of this path and out of the forest, but they don't know how close they were. What they did know was they were tired, grumpy, hungry, and thirsty. They had run out of food and water. They were weary. Then they saw a light. Off the path. They fought over going toward the light. They reminded each other of the warning. No one wanted to be the one to go off the path. In the end they all decide to leave the path together. This is the point where you want to scream at them, "get back on the path! Now!"

This was also the point where I felt God speak to me. He reminded me that our walk is similar to theirs. We are walking on a path that we have never been on before. Sometimes that path is scary. Sometimes it is dark. Sometimes there are creatures along the way that are scary. Sometimes we get tired and grumpy. Then we see something off the path, something that looks better than where we are. We argue with ourselves and yet we still step off the path to follow what looked good.

The dwarfs and Bilboa followed the light and as soon as they see the fire and food, and then every thing goes dark. They are helplessly lost. They have a hard time finding each other and even when they do they are in absolute darkness and have no idea where the path is. I stopped there. I had to, but can't wait to find out what happens. I mean there's a lot of book left so I know they'll make it out of the forest at some point.

I also know that when I walk off the path, get lost and confused, I have the true Light to look to. He will lead me back to the path and help me move forward in the right direction. Even though I wish I would never leave the path, there is joy in knowing I'm not lost for good.

2013

I have written before that on the new year I always ask God for a word or phrase for the year. This year the phrase is "Abide in Me". The Me obviously being Him. What I need to know is what does "Abide in Me" mean. I know what it means with my head, at least in part I do, but I need to know what it means in my heart and my spirit.

The first step to do this was to do a search of verses with the word "abide" in them. Here's the verse of the day. "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty." Psalm 91:1.

I went ahead and looked up some of these words to find out what they mean. I looked up "dwells", "shelter", and "abide" because even though I know what they mean I really want to understand the verse.

So according to www.thefreedictionary.com these are there means, or at least the ones that fit the part of speech and the verse.

Dwells - to live as a resident; reside. to exist in a given place or state
Shelter - a refuge; a haven
Abide - to remain in a place. to continue to be sure or firm; endure

So with these definitions the verse can be loosely translated as "Whoever takes up residence in the refuge of God will remain in the shadow of the Lord." That sounds good, and I was about to leave it at that.

I was about to leave the website because I know what "shadow" means. Even though I know what it means I wasn't sure what the shadow of the Almighty means. So I went ahead and looked up shadow. There are a lot of means for shadow! This is the one that I think fits the verse perfectly.

Shadow - shelter; protection

So now the verse would be "Whoever takes up residence in the refuge of God will remain in the protection of the Lord." This I can understand.

I was thinking shadow as just well the shadow or in dictionary language "An area that is not or is only partially irradiated or illuminated because of the interception of radiation by an opaque object between the area and the source of radiation." If I didn't know it was about a shadow I would be totally confused rather than just confused by that definition.

If His shadow was just an area separate from Him why would I want to abide there? Thankfully that isn't what it is at all. I am glad that it is His protection.

So, this year I am going to learn what it means to abide in Him and I am pretty exited about learn to.