Kenya

This past July I went to Haiti. I had never thought of going to another country on a mission trip. Well, actually I had never thought of going on a short term missions trip. The idea of going and living in another country and teaching has crossed my mind before, but I have never really thought it would happen. As soon as I knew Pastor Rob was in Haiti I knew he would come back and ask people to go there. Of course there is a twist to that.

On January 1 of each year I pray for a word or particular direction from God. This year I knew He was asking me to be obedient to whatever He asked of me. That is a bit scary to think about. Well, Pastor Rob came back and sure enough he asked us to go to Haiti. So, I had to go!

I was scared. I thought that I wasn't equipped to do it. I mean I was on a medical team. I know how to put on band aids and not much more than that. I got to be a pharmacist and filled prescriptions. Haiti is a beautiful country partly because of some of the land and the ocean and the people.

As we neared the end of our few days there some of the others kept asking, "would you come back to Haiti?". I kind of hoped they wouldn't ask me. Not because I wouldn't go back, because I would. But my answer seemed weird to me. My answer was, well actually is, "yes, but it this trip makes me want to go other places more."

Why? I guess part of the not knowing of what to expect appeals to me. Now, I like knowing the whens and whats details. I am not a big fan of not knowing, but for this it appeals to me. I guess I like the idea of going into a situation like that, not knowing what can happen and seeing what God will do, seeing how He will use me. Of course the other part is God used me and I want Him to use me like that again.

So why is this post called Kenya? Because next July there is a trip to Kenya and as soon as I heard about it I wanted to go. Here's the kicker. Recently I found out how much it would cost and I can't imagine being able to come up with the money. It is considerably more than Haiti cost.

Recently we found out we won't get paid in August, because the state says we haven't worked enough days to get paid. That would mean getting paid sometime in September. So we would get paid around the 25th of July and then not again until September. I will need to start setting aside some of my pay to hold me over until I do get paid in September. Also, my house needs so much too. My kitchen needs all new appliances and there are always repairs that come up, hopefully only small ones, but they still add up. So money is the issue.

I would appreciate your prayers concerning going to Kenya. I would really like to go and am hoping God will speak and tell me whether I am to go or not.

Faith?

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 ESV

"Now faithis the substanceof things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 KJV

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1 NLT

I wanted to see this verse in a few different translations. I could have listed more. My question is "do I have faith or am I being stubborn and holding on to some thing I shouldn't?". The former is the one I hope is true. But I still wonder.

I realize that when I blog about something on my mind or heart I get some peace and some answers. So this is heavy on my heart and has been for well, years now. Actually, right now I feel my spirit stirring. So what is it?

Do I have the kind of faith that keeps believing even when everyone else has given up on it? Do I really believe something that is, well quite frankly, seemingly impossible? Do I really believe?

Or am I holding on to something that isn't suppose to be? Am I stubbornly holding onto something that God has taken away from me? Am I just being dilusional and stubborn?

Sometimes I am so sure it is faith and that I believe that God is in the process of performing a miracle. Sometimes I think I am just being a spoiled brat who wants her way and is holding on for dear life.

I'm not sure if I'll get answers or even if I have written what God is really stirring within me. I do think if I haven't He'll keep stirring me until I do.

Holiday Struggles

So the greatest time of the year is approaching, and I can't say I'm looking forward to it. Thanksgiving and Christmas are holidays that I love, but dread at the same time.

When I was a kid and even as a young adult I loved spending holidays with my Mom's family. I remember holidays in Rochester and Scotsville, NY. I remember lots of family, wonderful food, Aunt Ginny's girly tree in the parlor and the tall tree in the family room. I remember the tree in my Grandparent's living room. We rarely went in there, but with the tree in there we spend time there. I loved that room. I kind of felt like holding my breath when I entered it. I loved the figurines on the mantle and the formal furniture. The room seemed perfect to me. I loved the laughter, games, sitting at the kids' table. I remember watching football, lots and lots of football.

I always thought when I grew up holidays would be like that. They aren't. Sometimes we have family dinners, but sometimes that family is just three of us. We might watch football, but there is no noisy outbursts of cheers or groans. Every year there seems to be a diet someone is on so the meal is simple, good, but simple. There are no children running from room to room. There are some games, when the kids are there. We watch It's A Wonderful Life if it's on. There is no parlor with a girly tree or a sacred living room with figurines on the mantle.

The worst part is I imagined it would be my house full of family, food, fun, and football. But it's not. I have no family. I have no reason to cook lots of cookies, candies, and treats for the holidays. This is what I've always dreamed of. Each holiday season reminds me of what I long for and don't have.

I have great family. They include me, but it also makes me feel like a third, fifth, and sometimes a seventh wheel. Being with the nephews and niece just reminds me of the children I thought I'd have by now and don't. I love my family and love spending time with them, but around the holidays it hurts at the same time. I always imagined spending time with them and my family.

I just wonder how many holiday seasons more I will spend before some of those dreams come true, or if I will spend all the rest of them this way.

Recently I started to wonder how many others feel the same way. I wonder how many people have gone holiday season to holiday season wishing and waiting for a family of their own to celebrate with. Sometimes we feel like we are the only one, but I believe that is a lie of satan. He doesn't want us to know there are others. He wants us to feel isolated and alone. He doesn't want us to turn to God in our hurt. He wants us to stay sad. Sometimes, I admit, it is hard to turn to God when I hurt. Sometimes I am angry with Him. Sometimes I wonder how much longer until He changes things. I know He might not change things, but He definitely is changing me.

I know this holiday season won't be easy, but I also know that He is with me and He knows my every want, desire, and need.

Really Real?

When I post something it is because it is on my heart. I started this blog to write about books that I read, but felt that God was asking me to go deeper and write about me. The real me. No walls. I used to get a lot of hits, which helped me ego. I hoped that people viewing were getting something from my blog that would help them in whatever way God meant it to.

Then I was really, really honest. My heart was hurting and for days I was ignoring the tug on my heart to blog about it. I mean I can be real about some struggles. I can real about good things. I can be real about my thoughts about a book. I found it hard to be real about "the desire of my heart". Finally, I started to write.

I posted it and got the usual amount of hits, and then something happened that I didn't expect. I went from high number of hits to single digits with the next post. That trend has continued since then. So what was it? Was it that people didn't like the real me? Do people just say that want to know the real person, but when the real person is exposed, which I was, they decide maybe not so much?

That has been my life long fear. I guess it is many people's. If "they" see the real me "they" won't like me. "They" won't love me. "They" will go away. Guess what? It seems "they" did. Does that hurt? Yes. Did it make me think "why in the world am I doing this blogging thing?" Yes. Did I find it hard to write the blogs that came after it? Yes. Did I consider stopping? Honestly, no!

I realize that I am not blogging for stats. I am blogging for the few people who read it and want to know and love the real me. I blog to share what God is doing and teaching me. I am far from perfect. I deal with my fears badly, most of the time. I have always felt the sting of rejection very sharply. I just experienced it moments before writing this blog. I thought "how to I deal with it? Do I retreat into the pain of it, or do I acknowledge it and give it to God?" I hope that I am doing the latter. I hope that although there is a sting, it won't be what I focus on.

I guess that God wants me to be real even though people will see the flaws I have tried to cover up. I guess I just need to keep being obedient and posting. I am sure He is at working through it.