Saturday, November 5, 2011

Really Real?

When I post something it is because it is on my heart. I started this blog to write about books that I read, but felt that God was asking me to go deeper and write about me. The real me. No walls. I used to get a lot of hits, which helped me ego. I hoped that people viewing were getting something from my blog that would help them in whatever way God meant it to.

Then I was really, really honest. My heart was hurting and for days I was ignoring the tug on my heart to blog about it. I mean I can be real about some struggles. I can real about good things. I can be real about my thoughts about a book. I found it hard to be real about "the desire of my heart". Finally, I started to write.

I posted it and got the usual amount of hits, and then something happened that I didn't expect. I went from high number of hits to single digits with the next post. That trend has continued since then. So what was it? Was it that people didn't like the real me? Do people just say that want to know the real person, but when the real person is exposed, which I was, they decide maybe not so much?

That has been my life long fear. I guess it is many people's. If "they" see the real me "they" won't like me. "They" won't love me. "They" will go away. Guess what? It seems "they" did. Does that hurt? Yes. Did it make me think "why in the world am I doing this blogging thing?" Yes. Did I find it hard to write the blogs that came after it? Yes. Did I consider stopping? Honestly, no!

I realize that I am not blogging for stats. I am blogging for the few people who read it and want to know and love the real me. I blog to share what God is doing and teaching me. I am far from perfect. I deal with my fears badly, most of the time. I have always felt the sting of rejection very sharply. I just experienced it moments before writing this blog. I thought "how to I deal with it? Do I retreat into the pain of it, or do I acknowledge it and give it to God?" I hope that I am doing the latter. I hope that although there is a sting, it won't be what I focus on.

I guess that God wants me to be real even though people will see the flaws I have tried to cover up. I guess I just need to keep being obedient and posting. I am sure He is at working through it.


C. C. said...

Some times it just take time to find the "right" audience. Don't stop ~ just keep blogging

MIchael said...

It is easy to doubt our own self-worth, especially when it appears others don't value us. Can you image the cloud Jesus was riding after riding into Jerusalem 5 days before his cruxificion? It must have been unreal. That is if we assume he was doing it for hits on his facebook or twitter pages. We know he went from thousands of "commited" to just a couple in mere days. Matter of fact, the only family member we know of was his mother who stayed with him to the point of the cross. In a nutshell, he knew what we must also learn. Our worth is in Father God and the purpose He has drawn into His Story. Our worth is not tied to the here and now or to people. Our worth is intertwined with all of mankind through Father God's purpose for each of His created being and with His creation itself. Really, our worth is greater than what we could ever imagine rather than our worth being so small. We tend to fall prey to the notion that our worth is here today and gone tomorrow, so we tend to live as such. Instead, we must learn to live with the reality that our life is like the life of a character in a great story. It may not be the starring role -- matter of fact, that is the role Jesus, Father God, and the Holy Spirit have -- but it is a role that carries the story forward, in the end works to bring completion to the story.

John the Baptist was a voice crying in the wilderness preparing the way of the Lord. A voice crying. Why the need to be crying? In the wilderness. Why was it the wilderness? Preparing the way of the Lord. Think about it. The wilderness is lonely and crying is a sign of deep pain and heartache. The way of the Lord needed to be made ready for those who are alone without God, those who are hurting to their core. John was heard by an audience, as C.C. said "the right audience"' who were the only one who would listen. I dare say, you will find your very busy with those who will or are listening, and you will not and do not have time for those who will not listen or really are not listening.

Speak the truth for those who will listen, not the flowerly words for those who want their ears tickled.

CMFMonroe said...

Some may have left because you were pointing to the same hurts in their hearts. It was amazing to me that your often wrote what I would have written if I had been honest years ago ot maybe not so long ago.

Keep sharing. It reveals your heart and also others. The Lord has reveals some real depth of His own heart to you..