When I post something it is because it is on my heart. I started this blog to write about books that I read, but felt that God was asking me to go deeper and write about me. The real me. No walls. I used to get a lot of hits, which helped me ego. I hoped that people viewing were getting something from my blog that would help them in whatever way God meant it to.
Then I was really, really honest. My heart was hurting and for days I was ignoring the tug on my heart to blog about it. I mean I can be real about some struggles. I can real about good things. I can be real about my thoughts about a book. I found it hard to be real about "the desire of my heart". Finally, I started to write.
I posted it and got the usual amount of hits, and then something happened that I didn't expect. I went from high number of hits to single digits with the next post. That trend has continued since then. So what was it? Was it that people didn't like the real me? Do people just say that want to know the real person, but when the real person is exposed, which I was, they decide maybe not so much?
That has been my life long fear. I guess it is many people's. If "they" see the real me "they" won't like me. "They" won't love me. "They" will go away. Guess what? It seems "they" did. Does that hurt? Yes. Did it make me think "why in the world am I doing this blogging thing?" Yes. Did I find it hard to write the blogs that came after it? Yes. Did I consider stopping? Honestly, no!
I realize that I am not blogging for stats. I am blogging for the few people who read it and want to know and love the real me. I blog to share what God is doing and teaching me. I am far from perfect. I deal with my fears badly, most of the time. I have always felt the sting of rejection very sharply. I just experienced it moments before writing this blog. I thought "how to I deal with it? Do I retreat into the pain of it, or do I acknowledge it and give it to God?" I hope that I am doing the latter. I hope that although there is a sting, it won't be what I focus on.
I guess that God wants me to be real even though people will see the flaws I have tried to cover up. I guess I just need to keep being obedient and posting. I am sure He is at working through it.