Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Not Sure What to Title This

I have considered writing this post for awhile and thought I couldn't possibly. I thought it was seem so pathetic. So whiny. So needy. So honest.

For the last few weeks I have cried every day. Most times two or even three times. I cry on the way to work. I cry on the way home. I cry when I'm on Facebook. I cry when I hear the good news. I cry as I read my Bible. I cry myself to sleep. I am crying right now.


Each and every day I am smacked in the face with others having the one and only thing I have ever wanted. When I was a little girl I became a Christ Follower. I remember that moment. I see my little 9 year-old self sitting in that chair in the church and bowing my head and asking Jesus into my heart. That day I changed. It wasn't long after that day that the dream started stirring in my heart. It grow and grow and became the only thing I have ever truly wanted.

I know satan hates the dreams God plants in us. I know he wants to see them die. He also knows how to use them to hurt us. He knows how to put in the knife and twist. That has been what has been happening to me lately. I can barely go through my day without others shouting my dream in their lives from the roof tops. I hear all the announcements, celebrations, and new beginnings and I smile. I smile because good news should be meet with smiles. They should be congratulated. But deep inside all I want to do is run, run away and cry.

I am not looking for pity. I have seen those looks. I am not looking for words. I have been told so many well-intentioned words that really didn't help; sometimes they even hurt. I am not looking for Christianese. That is shallow. I am not even looking for Scriptures. People have shared them over and over. I am looking for my dream to finally be fulfilled. I am looking to cry for joy!


CMFMonroe said...


jamlea68 said...

Oh Dearest Kim...I have read and reread this wrenching post...and my heart cries and longs for you. I don't know what your future holds...But I'm going to pray with everything I have for you. You are so brave for sharing your pain and heartaches...Thank you. Remember that crown of glory? Your gonna need a neck brace for yours. XO