Bad Dreams

When I was a little girl I used to have terrible dreams. I can still remember some of those dreams, but what I remember the most is lying in bed after one of these dreams. I can still see myself laying in my canopy bed, curled up with the covers pulled up tight around my chin. I would look out the window in my bedroom and hope the sun would be coming up soon. And I would be thinking, actually saying out loud good things. I had once been to Disney World so I used to say "Mickey Mouse" out loud. Thinking about Mickey Mouse made me think on good things and at times would help chase the bad dreams away.

As I got older those bad dreams were joined by night terror. If you have never had night terror then you have no idea how truly terrifying it can be. My night terror was of various things including creepy crawling animals, bugs, spiders, and the worst would be that someone was watching me sleep. One of the worst things about night terror is I was never completely asleep when it happened. Being partially awake made everything seem so much more real, so much more frightening.

Last night I had a terrible dream. One in which I was being chased and people were trying to catch me because they wanted to hurt me. They couldn't catch me and that made them angry so instead of planning to just hurt me they planned to kill me. I kept running, crying, and trying to find the way out of the maze of stuff I was running through. I woke up and my heart was literally pounding in my chest. I was terrified, but thankful to be awake. I reverted back to that little girl and pulled the covers up to my chin and started to say good things. The difference is I don't say "Mickey Mouse" anymore, although I still really like Mickey. Now I say a name that really has power. I say "Jesus". Over and over again I say His name until I fall back to sleep.

I wish I never have to have bad dreams or night terror, but when I do, when the danger seems so real, I know the one thing that brings true peace and rest. I know and say the name "Jesus".

Afraid of My Dreams

"Your dream, your true passion, is found just outside the boundary of your comfort zone." Les Parrott

I saw this on Facebook today, and along with a number of posts, comments, and such it seems to fit what I have been seeing a lot over the last few days, maybe weeks.

Lately, I have been thinking, rethinking the whole idea of leaving teaching. I mean in the natural it makes no sense to leave a job that I have some stability in and I think I am kind-a good at. So the scared part of me does not want to take the chance of leaving. My rational side says, "this is not the right thing to do, not the right time." But I don't want to listen to the scared side or the rational side. I want to walk by faith.

The Bible doesn't guarantee that walking by faith will be easy. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1. I guess if I could see it then it wouldn't be faith, would it? It's easy to believe something that is seen. But that doesn't take faith.

So, I need to listen to what God is speaking to me. I pray for direction. I ask for some understanding of what it might be He wants me to do. He may ask me to keep teaching, I am not saying He won't. But I really believe He is asking me to follow my dreams. (My big dream He will have to move mountains, because right now that's all I see.) I have things that I have always wanted to do and some new passions that have developed of late. I don't want to look at the negatives and what ifs of stepping out into something new.

Honestly, I am afraid of my dreams. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid that I will step out into something that isn't from God. I've done that before, haven't we all. I wish that I wasn't afraid. I want to trade my fear for faith. I want to walk by faith. 

I Don't Understand

A friend got sad news today. I do not understand why she has to continue to go through the same trial over and over again. I know God has a plan, and I look forward to seeing it come to pass. Yet I am sad for her. I am sad she has to feel such pain. I am sad that her heart's desire isn't being fulfilled. I wish I knew how to help her. I do know that I can and will pray for her. I honestly don't know how else to pray than to pray for His peace to fill her up.

All That He Is

I saw this post on Facebook today.

"Maybe we need to sit for just a moment or two today.Quiet, without the weight of condemnation or the swirl of trying to figure things out.Quiet, with nothing but the absolute assurance that the Spirit helps us in our weakness." Lysa TerKeurst

Seemed like very good advice so I crawled onto my bed, where I do most of my praying and quiet time, and sat. I sat and tried to turn off all the thoughts. I tried to just listen. Soon I found myself talking to God in my mind. Then I started to talk to Him aloud. It wasn't long before I was crying. I was asking Him questions.

I poured out my heart and asked him why it feels like I am always being stripped away while others around me seem to be gaining. I know that the grass always looks greener on the other side of the street. But the reality is that so many I know are having babies, celebrating new relationships, new homes, new jobs, etc. I just feel like I should be empty by now, and yet more seems to be stripped away.

After my tears were spent I picked up my Bible and hoped that the Psalm marked for today would bring some comfort to me. Psalm 42 was written by someone who has cried tears like mine. Then in verse 6 the writer wrote that when his soul is in the dumps he rehearses everything that he knows about the Lord. That seems like the most unnatural thing to do when my heart is hurting. It seems more natural to wallow in it than to turn toward God and start thinking of all He is.

I closed my Bible and laid it on the nightstand and sat. I wanted to do that. I wanted to think on all that He is. Soon a song came to mind and I was singing out "Great Is Your Faithfulness". (I'm not a great singer but I like to sing.) You know what? It worked!

Moment of Clarity

Have you ever had a moment of complete clarity?

I had one last night. A moment when something became so clear it was beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was true. Of course, one of my first thoughts was, "why didn't I get this a long time ago?"

Well, of course I didn't get it a long time ago. Instead I wanted something. I wanted it so much that I figured there was only one way to get it. I believed it was the answer. I honestly believed it. I don't anymore.

I don't believe it anymore because God gave me this moment of clarity. What I wanted, what I still want, isn't bad or wrong. The fact that I was willing to accept something that wasn't right just so I could have what I wanted was the problem. And I am so thankful that God kept me from what I thought was the way. Unfortunately, I also didn't get what I wanted, and it is possible that I never will get it.

That makes me sad. It may be too late. I do however, know that God can do all things. He can restore the years the locust has eaten. He can also bring about something even better and just right for me. Actually, He can do even more than I can think or imagine.

Being A Part of Something Wonderful

Today I was sitting around a fellow teacher's classroom with a group of teachers waiting for a phone call that would bring one of them news. We talked, laughed, and waited. More teachers came in and soon join the waiting party. We talked, laughed, and waited some more.

Everyone had promised to pray for her, and I am sure they have. I know that I have. It is easy to say you'll pray for someone. After a little while someone said we should pray right then and now. That sounded good to me. What I missed in that request was that I was being asked to pray. I have to admit I didn't feel like the best candidate to asked. I took a deep breath and emotions wash over me, I started to tear up. I prayed, I don't remember what it was that I exactly prayed, but I felt like God gave me the words.

It was a long time before I didn't feel like crying. The emotions were so strong. I realize that it has been a long time, if ever, that I have wanted something so much for someone else. I wanted to see her desire of her heart to come to pass.

I guess a part of me thinks that if I see her heart's desire come to pass then maybe mine will too. I know it doesn't really work that way, but maybe it can help increase my faith.

Oh, and that phone call. It came within 5 minutes and it was good news!

Letting People In

Today I went walking after school on the track. I meet other teachers out there almost every afternoon. Today I was determined to walk 2 miles (I ended up walking around 3, I lost count.) The first mile there were three of us and then one person had to go. That left me and one teacher to keep walking. We walked and talked, which is why I lost count. It was nice because I haven't had any one-on-one time with her before.

We talked about family, places that I've lived, and being a Christian. It was nice. I enjoyed getting to know her and I actually enjoyed telling her about me. I am not the open-up-and-talk-about-myself type of person. Yea, even writing this blog and opening up more doesn't mean that I enjoy it.

I like the fact that God puts people into your life to do those things you don't really enjoy, or at least didn't think that you would enjoy. I am starting to like this take-me-out-of-my-comfort-zone thing. Not that I like it all the time mind you, but I feel freer and have more joy since I have started doing it more.

I think I might even come to like letting more people in.