Hard, Brittle, Breakage

The other day I was standing, for far too long, in the hair dye aisle in Target. I had pulled out the flap from the box of color I use to find it again, and sure enough they didn't have it. I was looking for something comparable, and getting frustrated with the lack of choices. What's a redheaded girl to do when the options are only orange and flaming red!? I was about to give up when a teenage girl came down the aisle to check on hair spray.

She went over to the brand she wanted and turned away in teenage disgust and marched back to her mother. "It is soooo expensive!" she moaned. "It costs $20!" I think she really wanted to stomp her foot! I use the same brand for conditioner, so I wasn't surprised by the price tag.

Her mother said, "I can bring you some from the salon."

Unintelligible response from her daughter.

"Besides," the mother continued, "that kind is very hard."

"I like it hard!" the teen shot back.

As calmly as I've heard a parent of a teen respond, "But if it's too hard it makes your hair brittle. And if your hair is brittle that will cause breakage."

Teenage daughter humps off.

I decided that flaming red was not going to be my new hair color, so I left the aisle to continue my shopping. The conversation stuck in my head, and when I got back in the car I felt God speaking to me. I felt Him say that's what He says to me at times. I tell Him what I want or how I want it done, and He responds.

"But that way is hard."

"That's what I want!"

"If it is hard it will make you brittle."

"So!"

"Brittleness brings breakage."

"I still want it my way!"

"Okay, you can have it your way, but My way is soft. It makes you pliable. It brings you healing and comfort."

The sad thing is too often I don't listen and do it my way anyway! I want to come to a place where I hear Him say that my way is hard, and choose His way instead. I am a work in progress, and I hope that progress leads me to His place of softness, pliability, healing and comfort.

Forgiving the Mean Girls

I realized this morning that I have missed blogging. God has been doing some heart work that has been just for me, so I had to be quiet for awhile. But this morning I realized that part of what God has for me is to write this blog, so I'm back!

Tonight I watched a video done by Sheila Walsh. It's actually the first in a 5 week series called The Storm Inside and the episode is about forgiveness. I've included the link for The Storm Within: Forgiveness. If you have 25 minutes take a look.

As I watched, I knew that there was an area that I needed to work on. I needed to spend some time, days actually, looking at the rejection that I have experienced in my life. I knew I needed to forgive those who had rejected me or who I felt rejected by. I wondered where I would begin, but only for a moment. The long-forgotten named girls from my childhood was the place tostart. The girls who judged and rejected me for whatever reasons they had. I can guess some of their reasons and then there are just some girls who are plain-old mean.

As I wrote in my journal a prayer of forgiveness for these girls I knew that I was really putting down the unforgiveness that I held towards them. As the unforgiveness was being released the rejection of these girls was being released. The impact is lessened and hopefully one day it will be virtually gone. Why not completely gone?

One thing that I consider a blessing from the rejection of these girls is that I am sensitive to it when I see it in the girls God has blessed me with. Not only can I see and empathize with the girls who feel rejected, but I am also sensitive to the girls who are mean. Okay, not the truly mean girls. I am so glad to say that in 19 years of teaching I have only had one truly mean girl. Part of me felt badly for her because she obviously is missing something in her heart that makes her that way, but the other part of me really struggled with feeling for her. She is the dictionary definition of mean girl.

Anyway, those girls who can be mean at times are that way because they have been hurt too or because of their insecurities. If a girl is open, I can speak into the situation and hopefully help her see that her actions or words are mean. Then there are the girls who are treated meanly. Them I just love on and try to encourage them to rise up over the pain that they are experiencing. It isn't always easy to relive what I went through to help them, but sometimes it is very necessary for my healing and my ministering to my girls.

I know that this is just the first step for me, the first rejection area that I will examine and forgive. Honestly, this is probably the easiest one that I will have to address, but I know that further examination and the process of forgiving will bring freedom.

The Work Seems Unending

It has been over a month since I have even wanted to write anything. As I wrote before, back in August I prayed God would knock a wall down in my life. Well, it appears that one wall started a domino affect in my life. He has been knocking down walls, break through glass barriers, chipping away chunks of my heart, and walking me through the refining fire. It has been impossibly hard, but after each collapse, shatter, break, and smelting has come a freedom. I hope at the end of each I will get a break, get a prize for being willing. But no breaks have come, and I guess freedom is to be the prize. Currently is no exception.

I have gone through a few days, well actually a week now, where my heart felt like a boulder was sitting on it. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I would find I had been staring off for a long time, just staring. I felt like I was going crazy. Someone would say something and my mind would instantly start to analyze it and come up with the worse case scenario of what was really meant. Worse than the words spoken, were the ones not. I shared a little of my struggles and was met with silence. It hurt so badly to have nothing said to me. No words of  comfort, or compassion, or prayers. I felt like I was isolated in my pain. The silence reminded me of why I keep things to myself. It felt like no one cared.

I had been told once, by someone I love, that I was in a depression. I was shocked by the thought. I was sad sometimes, but depression. Surely, not! But as I have tried to function this last week with this incredible sadness and misleading thought patterns, I was once again told by someone else, that I needed to see someone about the what it. Of course, being the googling person that I am, I started to look up depression. I am not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I read things that lined up exactly with what I have been experiencing. I read about ways to deal with it. I read about medicine, counseling, and things I can do for myself. It was good because I couldn't deny anymore, but it was bad because it sent my spinning.

 The pain increased and the doubt flooded over me. The shame of just not being good enough rushed through my mind. I just couldn't shake the thought, "if I was a better then this wouldn't be happening to me. If I was a better person, a better Christian, then I would be going through this." I started to grow angry at God for allowing this to happen to me. I spent years building up those walls so I didn't have to feel anything and now they are down and this is the result! I really thought, "why did I bother?" This is far too much for me. I can't do this. I don't want to. I am tired of the heart work. It is too much, too fast, and it feels like I am getting nothing but more heart work as a reward. I just wanted to crawl into a ball and wait for it to just pass.

This is by far the most agonizing thing I have ever faced. But I am facing it.

Yesterday, I stood by the sink in my kitchen, looking out the window at a North Carolina snow storm and told God, "Do whatever needs to be done, because I can't do this anymore." I sat down on my couch turned on some Laura Story, oh the words in her songs just seem to speak to where I am, and listened to her sing. I replayed the music and sang along. Sometimes I was belting out the lyrics, sometimes barely whispering the words, and sometimes sang them in my heart as tears streamed down my face.

Through all of it I journaled and prayed. I prayed that God would speak to me and as I closed my mouth this song started to play and knew God was talking to me.

Perfect Peace
Stay close by my side
Keep your eyes on me
Though this life is hard
I will give you perfect peace

In this time of trial
Pain that no one sees
Trust me when I say
That I will give you perfect peace

And you'll never walk alone
And you'll never be in need
Though I may not calm the storms around you
You can hide in me

Burdens that you bear
Offer no relief
Let me bear your load
'Cause I will give you perfect peace

Stay close by my side
And you'll never walk alone
Keep your eyes on me
And you'll never be in need
Though this life is hard
Know that I will always give you perfect peace
I will give you perfect peace

The song ended and I just sat with God for awhile. The words sank in and I started to feel a measure of that perfect peace. After some time of quiet I asked Him this question. "Am I suppose to rise up out of this or walk through it?" I haven't hear an answer yet, but when I woke up this morning it was not with pain weighing down on my heart, but rather with the words of a song upon it instead.

And as for the silence I received from others, I'm not going to say it doesn't hurt, but I realize the silence is because they do not understand. They have their own struggles, but this is outside their realm of struggle. It isn't that they don't care, it's that they don't know. That is why they are silent. They don't know what to say. I have to give them the grace to not expect a response from them. Not that I don't need encouraging and compassionate words and their prayers, but I need to give grace in their silence. Because I need grace in mine when I don't have the words to give others.

2013 and 2014 Blended Together in Tears

I know that some people were partying when the clock struck midnight and 2013 faded away into 2014. I know some people were asleep. I know some were awake but not partying, maybe they were working or worrying about loved ones who were out partying.

I was laying in my bed sobbing. Yes, I ended 2013 in tears and entered 2014 the same way.

It wasn't New Year's that was making me sad. I like New Year's. I am usually asleep because I know when I wake up it'll be 2014, and it isn't necessary for me to stay up until midnight. I was sobbing because my heart was aching.

My heart had been aching for just over a day at that point, and until an hour ago my heart was still aching. Why? Honestly, that is not important for this post. Sorry, this is a between-me-and-God thing. But the process isn't just between Him and I.

It started with a late-night sobbing session that left me with a piercing headache and heart that ached horribly. I managed four hours of sleep and then was up with the furry babies who demanded food. The day however was spent in tears. I prayed. I read the Word. I poured out my hurt to God. I listened for His Voice. But mostly I cried. I finally managed to pull myself out of bed to shower and attend a get together with my family. But when I got home I climbed into my bed and journaled and prayed. My dog decided that she need to stay outside until after midnight barking at the people shooting off their fireworks, the obviously illegal ones based on how loud they were, so while she was outside I laid in bed and cried.

Yesterday, I downloaded three albums of  one of my favorite singers, Laura Story, onto my MP3 player, and listened to them and let the words speak healing to my heart. I also prayed and prayed and prayed. I continued to ask Him to help me with the grief. Every time satan whispered in my ear I told him where to go, in Jesus' Name, and once again prayed that God would take it.

My emotions over the last three days have included: anger, loneliness, heartache, and a fear that I would not shake the sadness and ache. I have read more verses in the Bible over the last few days than in any same three day span. I have read from a wonderful book, Breaking Free by Beth Moore. There are healing words in the book that helped. I listened to the songs on my MP3 player over and over again. I prayed and prayed and prayed. And I cried.

Today, I hoped that maybe I would be able to be beyond so much of the hurt. I tried to do some projects. I tried to read. I tried to sleep. No matter what I tried, the feelings of ache washed over me again and again. I even started to wish for my vacation to be over so I could go back to work, where I would be too busy to feel so much. I crawled into bed to listen to my songs, journal, and read. After I read Psalm 34, it happened. The veil fell and with it came the realization that it was over. The ache was gone. I was able to forgive and knew that I really meant it. I was able to thank Him for taking the ache. I was able to cry tears of relief and joy.

Why did it change in an instant like that? I am not completely sure. I only know that it was almost three full days, and He does amazing things after three days. I also know that He uses the pain and heartaches in our lives to work a good work in us and through us. I do not know what the ultimate glory will be from these three days, but I do know that He will be glorified.

Liberation Doesn't Mean That I Am Not a Princess

I have one niece. She is all girl! She loves purple, pink, and pretty things. When I think of her I imagine all things sparkling and bright. She also loves sports. She is thrilled to go watch the local university's sporting events. She does well in school and loves to create. She is a pretty much a well-rounded child.

She is a princess!

Not because she loves Disney princesses, because she does, but because she is a daughter of the King. Before my brother starts to think I'm talking about him, I mean the King. No, not Elvis either. The King of Kings. The Lord. God. She is His daughter and that makes her a princess.

There is a movement, by women mostly, to push the idea of girls not being princesses. I understand it, but I completely disagree with it. Their idea is we are more than just Disney princesses, that we are powerful and strong. It is true I have never been a Disney princess, but when I think about them, many of them are powerful and strong. Yes, think about it, they are.

Look at this reference from Titus 3:1-8 first. "Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life. The saying is trustworthy, and I want you to insist on theses things, so that those who have believed in God may be careful to devote themselves to good works.These things are excellent and profitable for people."

Cinderella lived in a horrible existence with an evil step-parent and haughty step-siblings. Even though she was abused, forced to spend her days in rags, and denied the riches of her late father, she was an example of verses 1 and 2 of Titus 3. Now, it is a Disney movie so I know God didn't come in and save her, but she was saved by a fairy-godmother. The fairy-godmother came to her, Cinderella didn't seek her out to make a dramatic change in her life, but the fairy-godmother sought her out and did change her life. As we know, Cinderella was given a new outfit, and prettified. She goes to the ball and the prince falls for her based on her beauty. Okay, here's where some people have their Disney princess issues. I get it, the focus on how she looks causes her get the prince. Let's leave that alone and remember that she was also beautiful on the inside. Unless he wanted to end up as one of those pathetic grooms on bridezillas, he better have made sure that was the case before the wedding day. The clock strikes midnight and her former condition is back. She goes back to rags and cleaning and being mistreated by her step-family. But then the prince shows up with the glass slipper and it fits! They marry and she becomes a princess in title.Yippee!

Now here's how I became a princess and got to be an heir to the King. I was more like verse 3, I was young but I was led astray, disobedient, hating others and being hated. Then I was invited to a Kid's Crusade meeting and a woman spoke about the God of verse 4. The one who, through His Son, showed His goodness and loving kindness, and offered me a way out. I accepted His salvation and became an heir of the King. Making me a princesses with a heavenly title. I hope that I am becoming the princess mentioned in verses 1 and 2. The one who is submissive to the authorities God has put in my life, regardless of who they may be or how they may act. A princess who does good work, watches what I say about others, and is gentle and courteous. Unlike the easily good and gracious Disney princess above, I am still working on being the person God wants me to be, the one mentioned in verse 8.

The Lord liberated me (see Luke 4:18) and by doing so he made me a princess. There is a women's lib movement that tells me being a princess is wrong and tries to tell me that I should be this or that kind of woman. I love the Mets, NASCAR, and the 49ers. I love purple, pretty things, and cuteness. I love being crafty, decorating my house, and making things that are pretty or cute. I love Madame Curie and Abigail Adams, but I also love Cinderella, and that's okay. I am free to be me, the woman He created, the princess He liberated.

Paths of Righteousness Do Not Detour Around the Valley of the Shadow of Death

A couple of days ago I read Psalm 23 for probably the billionth time, and this time something struck me. I have been able to stop thinking about it since.

"He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
Psalm 23:3-4

I read the chapter, slower, to see if the thought I had made an sense. It did. We often break these two verse apart. In my Bible there is a space between them, a break in the stanzas, a separation in thought. I am not sure there should be though.

I always assumed paths of righteousness would be pleasant place, like the green pastures and still waters of verse 2. But the Bible also tells us none is righteous (Romans 3:10), so how can we even walk in paths of righteousness?

Well, we can't if He doesn't lead us. He takes us on these paths of righteousness, that we can't possibly be on, unless we become more like Christ. And how do we become more like Christ? By walking through the valley of the shadow of death. He takes us on these paths of righteousness, that lead right through this valley, and parts of us die.

We don't die. The parts of our heart that is guilty and sinful, those parts die. As those die we become more like Christ, more like His righteousness. How do I know the valley of shadow of death kills of those parts? Look at the rest of verse.

"...your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

The rod was used by shepherds to protect the sheep from predators, but was also used to correct an unruly sheep. The shepherd didn't beat the sheep to be cruel but to get it back on the right path to food, water, and safety. He has to use His rod on us, on me. I have felt it. He isn't being cruel, although sometimes it feels like it. He is using it to drive out of us what keeps us from being on the path of righteousness.

The shepherd used the staff to guide the sheep. That sounds nicer, doesn't it. But the staff had a hook on the end of it for a reason. Sometimes he had to use it to pull a sheep for harm. He had to put the staff hook around the sheep's neck and bring it back or lift it out of the harm it fell into. He does that for us as well. He guides us with it, but He also has to use that hook on us. I have gone on my own path and fallen into enough dangers to have felt Him use the hook to pull me back.

He uses those tool shepherd's tools in the valley of the shadow of death. He uses them there because that's the parts of our journey where wonder away. It is scary, and we think if we set off on a different path we will get out of the valley. He needs to lead us back to the path, the one of righteousness, and He guide us through the valley.

On the other side of the valley we are free of the death that something was bringing to our lives. For me I know some of the deaths involved bad choices; selfishness; hanging on to hurts and fears; resentment; anger; jealousy; etc. I also know there is still way to much not righteous about my heart that I will see more valley of the shadow of death trips. I also know that on the other side of the valley the paths of righteousness continue. They go through valleys, but they don't stop in them. The journey continues, the He still leads us on.

I truly hope that this makes sense to at least some who read this. I don't feel that I've done a very good job exampling what I truly believe He has shown me about these two verses. Yet I know that He can take what He has given me and use it to speak to you as well. For me, knowing that I am walking on His path of righteousness, being lead on it by Him, and that it will go through the valleys, somehow makes the valley experience even more worth it.

I am in such a valley. Christmas time is a valley for me. I love the holiday and hate it all at the same time. It is a yearly reminder of the family that I long for and do not have. It is another chance for God to remove something from my heart, and make me more like Him. I have to see it that way. Otherwise it means that God is just a cruel God, beating me with that staff. I know He isn't. I know He is removing something bad from my heart, and replacing it with something good. I do not understand, but I do have His Word to know that the path of righteousness runs right through the valley, and I want Him to continue to lead me on it.

The Broken Wall Will Bring Healing, But It Isn't Always Easy

Three months ago I did an exercise where I had to tear down a wall. It was a large white box, not a cardboard box, but some sort of plastic box. It was duct taped together and, although I didn't know it, it was full of Styrofoam and paper. One side of this huge box was sectioned off into bricks. I was given a marker and I wrote down names, events, and fears that were part of my wall. At first, I thought I would only write a few things, but I almost ran out of room.

Then I was given a rubber mallet, and I went to town on that wall. I hit it and hit it, but all I did was leave behind black marks. Then I was given a claw hammer. It worked a bit better, at least it was making dents in the wall. Then I got the right tool for the job, a crowbar. That crowbar ripped that wall, but it wasn't enough. I put down the crowbar and I started ripping that wall apart with my hands. That worked well for awhile, but remember it was duct taped. I needed something to cut through the tape, and a friend handed me a pair of scissors. 

I completely destroyed that side of the wall, but that wasn't enough for me. I tore all that Styrofoam and paper out of there and cut apart the sides, the other side, and even the bottom and top. There was bits of wall and stuff all over the place! Then I picked myself up off the floor, and I stepped over that wall. 

After that I took three pieces of the box that had no writing on them, and wrote down the positives that tearing down the wall will make possible. It was a truly amazing experiences!

Since then I have had quite a few hard days, because I do not have a wall for protection anymore. There have been times that I wanted to resurrect that wall, but I haven't. 

There are two areas that I have asked God to heal and help me with since then. The first one is in the area of relationships. I have sucked at them! So I have asked Him to help me actually have them. That has been so much harder than I ever thought was possible. More about that, promise.

The other area I wrote about in my last post. I want to see me, know me, the way that He does. That has also been hard. Satan certainly doesn't want that to happen so he has been working hard to make sure I don't. Even though I know he doesn't want me to know that I know how God sees me, it doesn't change the fact that at times I believe the opposite he shows me. I believe the negatives and even hateful things he sends my way. He has tried to tell me that I am crazy because he has told me that my feelings are all messed up. He whispers in my ear and mind a lot, and never good things. The problem he faces, is that he isn't even trying to be sneaky. I know it isn't the Holy Spirit speaking to me, because he doesn't speak truth to wound, so it must be lies of satan to harm. Now, I wish that I didn't listen to the lies, and sometimes even believe them. I do however, know that they are lies, and I need to resist the devil so that he will flee. With God's help, I'm working on that.

As for the relationships, I asked God yesterday why I feel so tender much of the time. Why does it seem like almost every day something hurts me, in regards to relationships. Even when I am sure that I am overreacting by letting it hurt. So why then? He showed me a picture. 

When a baby is born he has two soft spots on his head. (I am about to impress you with my knowledge, but I actually Googled it.) These spots are soft because they allow the skull to compress during labor so the baby can be born. About four months later the rear spot of the skull closes and becomes hard. The front spot takes a bit longer, usually around a year-old the baby's front skull spot hardens. The Lord showed me that my heart and mind are like a baby's soft spots. The wall that I had guarding me made it seem as if I was hard, but I wasn't. I didn't need to be, my wall was hard for me. Now that the wall is gone, my soft heart and mind are exposed. They feel tender, and although they can take some touch not too hard. 

Satan is poking at my soft spots and he is using relationships to do it. He twists innocent things said or done to poke me. Once again, I know it's him, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anyway. Then there are the not so innocent things that have been said or done. Those really hurt! Some come from people I considered friends, some from acquaintances, and some from people I have no choice but to relate to. 

Now, this can be a post where I just focus on what satan is doing and the harm he has caused, but God always has to the final word. He is hardening, correctly, my heart and mind to the attacks of satan. I needed to have the soft spots so I could experience the labor of change in my life. He is also closing up my "skull" so that my heart and mind will be the correct hardness to the attacks of satan, but still soft enough for the love of family, friends, and God to speak Truth to me. Someday, I will see and know myself the way God sees and knows me, at least in part. I will probably never know fully in this life. I will continue to develop godly relationships as He helps me along the way. He will even help me with the relationships that I have to have because we all have those relationships too. 

God is showing me who I am in Him, and He is helping me not suck at relationships, hopefully to actual thrive. He always brings the victory!