Darkness Has To Be Exposed To the Light

As many of you know I had a very rough year last year. Even as tough as it was I know that God did so much through the struggles I faced. I know that He healed old wounds and brought freedom into areas of my heart and mind. After the year was up I felt such amazing joy and peace! I knew that the mountain top, wind sweeping through my hair experience would not last forever, but I certain wished that it would. ;)

School started again and with it comes certain challenges for all teachers, but I also faced some unique ones. Because of them I would walk into school with one prayer upon my lips, "Lord, please reveal your Truth." I knew what I wanted Him to reveal, but I also knew that there would be so much more revealed.

It wasn't long before some of those unexpected revelations started popping up. Some I kind of expected, but many were surprising to me. Some were about me, some were about people who related directly with me, and some were about people I really had no or little interaction with. You would think I would be happy to see the truth being revealed, but instead I've been more grieved than anything.

I went to God and asked Him why so much ugliness was being revealed. Why was there lies, bullying, and cruel behavior being revealed? His response makes sense, but surprised me. He said, "In order for Truth to be revealed darkness has to be brought out into the Light."

I can't say that I like the ugliness anymore now that I understand that, but I now see why it is necessary. I still pray the same prayer as I walk the halls of the building, and more darkness keeps coming out. Of course, what I want Him to reveal hasn't been, yet. I have to trust that He will continue to reveal things in my life that need to change, and I know that in His time He will revel what I have asked to be. Until then, I will continue to pray for Truth to be revealed and understand that that means I will also see the darkness that the Truth reveals.

https://www.behance.net/gallery/4269169/The-Truth-Revealed

How You Make Someone Feel

I was scrolling through the verses and sayings I have pinned on Pinterest for an idea of the next painting I wanted to make. I came across this one, and although I didn't choose it to paint, not today at least. But I did feel it. 

Each week, in school, we have a character trait of the week. This week's is forgiving. Now, out of all the traits I think this one might be the hardest. When I talk with my class I give them a lot of insight into me. I tell them about not being a good reader in school. I tell them about what it was like for me in school. I even told them that sometimes the "mistakes" I make are on purpose, but most the time it's an honest mistake. This week I told them about how kids treated me in school and how it was hard to forgive them.

We act like forgiveness is easy, but since we've all had opportunities to do it, we know that it isn't. I think it's hardest when the person we need to forgive is someone who made us feel badly about ourselves. When someone chooses to put me down for things outside of my control, it is hard to forgive. When someone treats me like I'm not worthy, it is hard to forgive. When someone acts like they are better than me and do it by putting me down, it is hard to forgive. Apologies are nice, but they don't erase the way someone made you feel. Insincere apologies are the worst. One reason I don't make students say they are sorry. I understand teaching children that they should apologize, but telling them to do so when they aren't then we are teaching them to lie. (Think on that for a minute.)

Lately, I've heard a lot of people saying things like "you are responsible for your own feelings". Although that is true, it seems that people say that mostly to excuse their behavior and the words they say. 

I am responsible for the words I speak to others that make them feel badly. Sometimes I realize that my words hurt, but I know there are times that I don't. I can apologize when I do, but I do realize that the impact has already been made. I am responsible for what I do or don't do to people. Once again, if I know it was hurtful I can apologize. But I also know that there may be a long term effect on them.

As a teacher, I want each of my students to never forget how I made them feel. I have to be careful of my words, especially when they frustrate me. Yes, sometimes they frustrate me. :) I have to be conscience of my actions, that they speak loudly positive things to them. It is hard, but I had teachers who made me feel good about me and ones who made me feel less than. I feel it is important that my students feel good from their time with me. I also feel it's important that they feel good from their interactions with each other. Therefor we talk about it whenever we need to. 

Unfortunately, I know that it takes me a long time to feel better after someone makes me feel badly. Honestly, it brings up all sorts of feelings from the past. I told my students that when I need to forgive I tell myself,  "I choose to forgive" until I truly know I have. I left off that I also say, "God, help me to forgive." That whole I-work-in-public-school thing kept me from adding that part. 

Lately, I've been hit square in the face with people trying to make me feel badly about me, and it's sent me to reflecting on similar recent instances. Time and distance sometimes helps me to see much more clearly, than in the moment. I have a choice to make, either focus on how they made me feel or to learn from it and decide not to do the same to others.

I feel like this post was all over the place, must be because I'm out of practice, but it was meant to be about how people make me feel. But it jumped around about forgiveness and being aware of how I make other people feel. I hope that I make people feel better about themselves much more than I don't. I also hope is that when I do make others feel badly that I apologize and make them feel better the next time I interact with them. 

graphicsheat.com

But Rejoicing Comes in the Morning

The other day a group or friends and I were discussing a person who went through the loss of a parent. She hadn't given herself any time to grieve her loss and her behavior changed. She became hard and inflexible and difficult to deal with. All because she didn't let herself grieve.

Honestly, I don't enjoy grieving, but it is necessary. Not grieving means all sorts of bad things: avoiding reality, hardness, building walls of protection, and missing out on things. I also don't like any of those things, so why not just let myself grieve when I need to? I did mention that I don't like grieving.

Of course, another reason might be that sometimes I don't even know that I need to. I have avoided it for so long that I become numb to what I need to grieve that I just forget about it. How does that seem possible? Well, because I am really good at ignoring things, so that makes it possible. 

Yesterday I knew there was something from my past that I needed to grieve. Something that shaped a lot of my adult life. Something that helped me hid the real me so I could avoid certain relationships. Something that needed to be grieved. But I didn't want to grieve it. I decided that I would give myself time to grieve when I went to bed. So I stayed up later and was too tired at bedtime. Did I mention I am really good at ignoring things?!

This morning I woke up and I knew that I couldn't put it off. I knew that grieving this would bring me one step closer to a healing in my life that I truly long for. This healing is much more valuable to me than keeping a hold on this grief. I picked up my journal and began to write. Soon the tears came and I had to put the pen down. I continued to talk aloud about what I was grieving over and what it had stolen from me, what I had guard myself from. Once I was able to write again I continued to journal about my grief. 

As I did a thought struck me: God never said don't grieve. He tells us to be anxious for nothing, to not fear, to be strong and courageous. He doesn't say don't grieve. Actually He tells us that joy comes in the morning for those who grieve. He tells us there is a season for grieving. He blesses those who grieve and tells us they will be comforted. 

He understands grief. There has been more than one time when He has said to me, "now you understand a little of how I feel." Once when my Chester cat had gotten out and was missing for two months, I heard the Lord say to me, "now you understand how I feel when just one of my children runs away from me." I was grieving! God was telling me that He grieves!

So what is the result of the grieving I did this morning? Well, I acknowledged the truth of how much it hurt. I acknowledged what it cost me, how it made me not trust. It made me acknowledge that I do not wish to continue to live my life based on a hurt from so long ago. I want to trust others and myself. I want to have the kind of relationship that it made me terrified to actually have. I wanted to walk in freedom and not let the anchor of this keep me stuck. I realized that it is okay to grieve. Healthy to grieve. Necessary to grieve. And expectant for the joy that comes in the morning.

nationalmirroronline.net

When You Walk Through Fire You Shall Not Be Burned

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

Isaiah 43:2

The last year this verse has been my experience. August 2013 began with a prayer that I thought would bring freedom and healing. Little did I know it would be accomplished through some trying experiences. There were times that I thought the emotions I was experiencing would overwhelm me. There were times of such anxiety that I felt incredible physical pain. I felt like I was being consumed. 

Parts of my past resurfaced and had to be dealt with. Things I hadn't thought about in twenty years came up and I had to face them. Then I had to give them to the Healer and go through the process of having my heart healed. Honestly, so many things from around the same time period surfaced that it was overwhelming at times. As I look back now, I can see how many of those events, that time in my life, helped changed me from a bubbly child to a quieter person. People who know me now, who didn't know me as a child, might find it hard to believe that I used to get "talks too much" on my report cards. I had a lot to say! ;)

There were time over the last year, when I thought it would be easier to just have God take me home than to continue to go through the process. Yet, I also knew that on the other side there would be something so much better than anything I have had to this point. As July started I'll admit I was really starting to hope that this was just a year-long process. I longed for August 2014 and the hopeful end to this healing process. It might be too early to say this, but I feel that I have come through it.

About a week ago I was talking with someone about one of the hard things I had come through, and how differently I had dealt with it, with my feelings. As I finished sharing with her the lines from Isaiah 43:2 went through my mind. No sooner had I thought them, then she was quoting them. I smiled because I felt God was confirming that I have indeed come through the river and the fire, that I was on the other side. Maybe it's too soon to think that this year-long process is over, but since then I have felt an in-explainable peace. A calm, a joy has filled me. 

Do I think that there will be no more testings, no more healing processes? Of course not. I know that as long as I live there will be more healing processes, more parts of my heart that need to be removed so I can become more like Christ. But for right now I feel that I am in a time, even if it's brief, of being on the mountain top with the wonderful wind whipping through my hair.

www.heartlight.org

Accepting What I Have Denied

There is a pain so deep in the core of my being that I have denied its cause my whole life. I don't deny that the pain is there. I have tried to deny how much it truly hurts, but I no longer can. I opened up my heart's ache to the touch of the Lord, so it is no longer possible to deny it.

What I have denied is the whys, the causes, of the pain. There are parts that I have accepted, but parts that I haven't. I have truly wanted somethings to not be true, to not have happened. I have tried to explain them away, excuse them. Last night, the veil was lifted, and I saw it for what it was. I allowed myself to remember what I didn't get that I needed to grow up healthier and more whole than I am. What I don't want to do is stay there. I don't want to stay in the past and let it continue to dictate how I feel about myself now, how I live now.

However, right now, I need to grieve it. I need to allow myself to feel the feelings that I have. I need to guard against bitterness and anger, but I need to allow myself to feel the normal feelings of loss. So I will take some time to feel and let the Lord heal what only He can heal. I know He can and will heal my broken places and help me become the me He is revealing.

Praying to Quiet the Thoughts

The other day I was having not-so-nice thoughts about someone. Even as I was thinking them I knew that I needed to stop. I tried to just not think them, but that only worked for a little while, and the yucky thoughts were back. I could physically and emotionally feel the effects of the thoughts. Then a verse popped into my head.

"If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; for you will heap burning coals on his head, and God will reward you." Proverbs 25:21-22

Specifically, the second part. I know that heaping burning coals on someone's head sounds awful, but it truly is not. In ancient times people traveled from place to place, think of shepherds, since they couldn't just run to the local Walmart to get a fire-starter they had to carry heated coals with them. They would take hot coals from their fire and put them in a box. The box would then be placed on their head as they traveled. That evening they would take the hot coals out of the box and use them to start their fire. Giving someone hot coals was considered an act of kindness. Giving coals to an enemy would obviously be seen as an extreme act of kindness, and according to Proverbs would result in a reward from God.

So what does this have to do with my thoughts? I stopped and prayed for the person I was thinking about and prayed that coals would be heaped on his/her head so he/she would have what is needed on his/her life journey. As I prayed the ugly, unkind thoughts simply stopped. I believe that was God's reward for heaping the coals. In 2 Corinthians 10 we are told to take ever thought captive. I don't know about anyone else, but I find this very hard to do at times. I am a thinker. As a thinker, my mind can go into speeding mode and it is very hard to slow it down enough to even stop the thoughts, let allow take them captive. I believe that by heaping these coals through prayer the Lord helped me to take those unkind thoughts captive.

Now, these heaping-of-coals prayer can be for more than just my enemies. The yucky thoughts I was having were not for an enemy, but rather for a friend. Yea, I just admitted that! I am sure I'm not the only one who has had a bad thought, a judgmental thought, or a even vengeful thought toward someone that I care about. For me it makes the physical and emotional impact even more profound when it is for someone I care about. If I am commanded to give an enemy food, water, and heaping coals, then how much more should I do this for a friend or family member!

Over the last few days a bad thought, a negative memory, and even a judgement has popped into my head. I woke up with one this morning, literally woke up thinking a negative thought about someone. Each time I have stopped and prayed for the person, in a specific direction when possible, but each time heaping those coals on their head. Each time the result was the same. The thoughts were gone, and I know that God truly will put upon that person what he/she needs. Next time you have a not-so-nice thought give it a try and see what the Lord does.

cprezra823.blogspot.com

Becoming Myself

The other day I was clicking through my email and deleting the junk. There always seems like there is so much junk! Usually I just click the little box without even viewing the email, you know the ones that are trying to get you to buy something. Well, for some reason I decided to open up one from a Christian book seller. I thought I'd see if there was any fiction books that I might like. Instead I saw a book that jumped off the screen at me. Becoming Myself: Embracing God's Dream of You by Stasi Eldredge. The title made me think it was perfect for me! The little blurb confirmed it.

For most of my life I have been hearing all sorts of messages about what is wrong with me. Some of these messages have been external but many have been internal. I am sure that I am not the only one who has heard them and repeated them to myself. I'm too fat. I'm too quiet. I don't say the right thing. I don't do the right thing. I'm not smart enough. I'm not social enough. I'm too passive. I'm not good enough. I'm too damaged. I'm too broken. Etc. Most of the time I believed these messages. These lies.

There are days when I believe these lies wholeheartedly. They are yelling in my mind and my heart. They keep telling me that I need to change. I need to be fixed. They keep telling me that I need to do this or that. That's the key, or the problem, I. I need to lose weight. I need to speak more. I need to say the right thing. I need to do the right thing. I need to be smarter. I need to be more outgoing. I need to be more assertive.  I need to be better. I need to be fixed. I need to be whole. I. I. I.

After only one chapter of this book, I realize that it isn't I who needs to do anything but let go. God is the one who can. He's in the business of transforming people. He doesn't say, "do this list of fix'ems and you'll be all better," or, "once you start the work I'll finish it up for you." Instead He wants me to just give all of me to Him. He will do the transforming. Yes, there are some things that He'll require along the way, but not as prerequisites. Rather they are steps that allow me to flex the fixes that He is working. Kinda like spiritual PT.

Now, I'm not saying you have to read a book, besides the Bible, to get answers, but for me I think this book has already helped me learn something that I need. God already knows who I am, and He wants me to embrace who I am. He is doing the work to change me into that person. "For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his son..." Romans 8:29a. See it there? He is making me become.

http://store.ransomedheart.com/books/becoming-myself-582.html