Silent Too Long

"Shut up!"

That might accurately describe the person I once was and the person I find myself becoming again. And it scares me to death!

When I started this blog I was finding my voice. I was sharing part of me and what God has given me to share. In August, I asked God to tear down a wall in me and the floodgates opened. I have felt weak, vulnerable, and small. I have felt very unsure of myself. Sadness, anxiety, and fear have become parts of my life in ways they never had before. I feel like the more I let go of, the more I grow the worse they become. The worse they become the more I want to shut up, verbally and emotionally. I feel like I have no defense from people, the Enemy, even myself. 

I have always felt little desire for God. That makes me very sad. I have enjoyed a close relationship with Him and I have missed desiring to be with Him. The less time I spend with Him, the less I hear His voice, the less I have to say. I find myself praying the sad little prayer of, "God, I don't know what to say! I don't have anything to say!" I feel shut up even with Him.

This morning it made me angry! I want to be better. I want to be free. I don't know if the walls I built around my life masked the sadness, anxiety, and fear. Now that the wall has crumbled, or is crumbling, they are exposed in me. Some how it seems very unlikely that God would remove the wall and bring those things into my life. Therefor, I have to believe that they were already there to begin with.

I can say that over the last 10 months I have grown in so many ways. I know God has brought so much healing to my heart. He has helped me become free of things in my past. But over the last month or so I have felt this intense silence. I have taken some hits this last month or so. At work, I experienced an expected blow. Because of it I needed to speak up for myself, which isn't normal for me and was hard but freeing. Unfortunately, I am still waiting for resolution of that issue. Another issue at work, this one human related, has me frustrated and completely at a loss. It's one of those nothing-I-do-is-right situations. I have also had a relationship struggle over this time period, that I feel ill-equipped to deal with. In each of this cases, God has asked me to do one thing. Be still! 

I have wanted to speak up and ask questions. I have wanted to give speak my mind. I have wanted to "fix" the situations. I have cried over the uncertainty. I have cried over the anger and pain they have brought. I have tried to plan out solutions, but each time I have stopped as I remember that I need to be still. God gave me Exodus 14:14, "the Lord will fight for you, you need only be still."

Even though in these particular situations I hear God telling me to be still, I also know that He is saying speak up. In one situation He did ask me to speak up for myself, but then He said be still about it. I don't know if He will ask me to say anything again or in the other situations. I do know that He wants to hear my voice.

He wants me to start talking with Him more. Even if it's just a bit more than "I don't know what to say". He wants me to speak up when He gives me something to say. I don't need to just go spouting off or anything, but when I know I am to speak then I need to. This post is one of those times. I haven't blogged in over a month, but knew today was the day to write. Today was the day I needed to stop being silent too long. 

Vision of the Battle

Last night I laid in bed with an anxious heart. I knew that if I didn't give that anxiousness to God I would have a second sleepless night. I do not claim that giving things to God is easy, because it's not, but last night I gave it to Him. I did that knowing full well I would probably need to give it to Him again and again until I finally didn't take it back anymore. Once again, giving it to Him isn't easy and sometimes we take it back and have to give it back again.

Back to last night, as I lay there feeling the freedom of giving it to Him, I prayed for a restful sleep. I prayed that His angels would surround me and I would sleep peacefully. I started to feel drowsy and then I saw something amazing! I do not expect some of you to believe this, but it isn't the first vision I have had. It isn't the first vision into the spirit realm that I have experienced.

I was looking towards my French doors, and even though the curtains were drawn, they were open and I could see a battle taking place. I saw the forces of darkness fighting to get in and the forces of Light keeping them out. I only glimpsed a short portion of the battle, I could tell it started beforehand and I did not see the end. In that glimpse I saw what seemed like fast motion action, but at times the motions slowed to barely moving. I saw swords slice through the air and hammers fly towards their intended targets. I saw red flashes whenever the weapons of the two sides met. I saw that the battle was being won by the angels.Then the vision was gone and I was looking at the closed curtains.

As the battle faded from my view, I smiled and thanked God for showing it to me and showing me that He cares for me. That He cares for my rest. He could have simply let me fall asleep and sleep well, which I did, but He chose to show me that He was protecting my sleep. He chose to show me that His angels were battling for me. For me! That is an overwhelming thought. That is an overwhelming love. His is an overwhelming love.

A Lesson from Cleo

Last night I laid in bed and could not sleep. I was tired but my mind just couldn't rest. I tried desperately to shut it off and just sleep, but that didn't work. I sat up and found a straight line of three cats snuggled up on my right side and one cat snuggled up on my left side. She woke up and looked at me, while the others gave me an eye pop and then went back to sleep. I looked at my sweet Cleo, who at times can be anything but sweet, and told her I was getting up. I crawled out of the covers so I wouldn't disturb them and went into the living room. I sat on the couch and said "here I am, please speak to me!" I was meet with silence.

So I started to talk to Him instead. This woke up Riley and she came out to get petted and then wanted out. Following her came Cleo. Cleo came over and started kneading me, which hurts by the way. I tried to ignore her but she was making it hard to. She was walking all over me, purring and rubbing on me. I finally looked at her and said, "why can't I just be like Cleo? Why can't I just come to You and let You love on me?" I set the journal and Bible I had in my lap aside and let her climb in and lay down. She snuggled right in, purred away and took joy in being petted. How I wished that I could be like her!

Now Cleo is a bit of a meany. She has no problem letting one of my other cats know that she wants the space their in or that the five feet that they are walking passed her is too close. Yet she can also curl up with one of them and lick their head. She can snuggle up and sleep by them, when she wants to. But last night, she was all about loving on me and being loved on.

Cleo did stay on my lap for quite a long time, but then just got down and went back to her spot on the bed. Riley finally knocked on the door to come in, she loves staying outside for a long time at night. I decided to crawl into bed and give it a try. I wiggled my way back in between the three sleeping cats on the right and Cleo on the left.

I wish I could say that I just curled up in God's lap and let Him love me, but I didn't. I tried to, but I was angry with Him and wasn't ready not to be. I'm still angry with Him and angry with me and feeling all jumbled up inside. I wish I could say I stopped wrestling and had a good nights sleep but I didn't. I hardly sleep at all. I don't even know why I am writing this post! I just knew I had to.

Hard, Brittle, Breakage

The other day I was standing, for far too long, in the hair dye aisle in Target. I had pulled out the flap from the box of color I use to find it again, and sure enough they didn't have it. I was looking for something comparable, and getting frustrated with the lack of choices. What's a redheaded girl to do when the options are only orange and flaming red!? I was about to give up when a teenage girl came down the aisle to check on hair spray.

She went over to the brand she wanted and turned away in teenage disgust and marched back to her mother. "It is soooo expensive!" she moaned. "It costs $20!" I think she really wanted to stomp her foot! I use the same brand for conditioner, so I wasn't surprised by the price tag.

Her mother said, "I can bring you some from the salon."

Unintelligible response from her daughter.

"Besides," the mother continued, "that kind is very hard."

"I like it hard!" the teen shot back.

As calmly as I've heard a parent of a teen respond, "But if it's too hard it makes your hair brittle. And if your hair is brittle that will cause breakage."

Teenage daughter humps off.

I decided that flaming red was not going to be my new hair color, so I left the aisle to continue my shopping. The conversation stuck in my head, and when I got back in the car I felt God speaking to me. I felt Him say that's what He says to me at times. I tell Him what I want or how I want it done, and He responds.

"But that way is hard."

"That's what I want!"

"If it is hard it will make you brittle."

"So!"

"Brittleness brings breakage."

"I still want it my way!"

"Okay, you can have it your way, but My way is soft. It makes you pliable. It brings you healing and comfort."

The sad thing is too often I don't listen and do it my way anyway! I want to come to a place where I hear Him say that my way is hard, and choose His way instead. I am a work in progress, and I hope that progress leads me to His place of softness, pliability, healing and comfort.

Forgiving the Mean Girls

I realized this morning that I have missed blogging. God has been doing some heart work that has been just for me, so I had to be quiet for awhile. But this morning I realized that part of what God has for me is to write this blog, so I'm back!

Tonight I watched a video done by Sheila Walsh. It's actually the first in a 5 week series called The Storm Inside and the episode is about forgiveness. I've included the link for The Storm Within: Forgiveness. If you have 25 minutes take a look.

As I watched, I knew that there was an area that I needed to work on. I needed to spend some time, days actually, looking at the rejection that I have experienced in my life. I knew I needed to forgive those who had rejected me or who I felt rejected by. I wondered where I would begin, but only for a moment. The long-forgotten named girls from my childhood was the place tostart. The girls who judged and rejected me for whatever reasons they had. I can guess some of their reasons and then there are just some girls who are plain-old mean.

As I wrote in my journal a prayer of forgiveness for these girls I knew that I was really putting down the unforgiveness that I held towards them. As the unforgiveness was being released the rejection of these girls was being released. The impact is lessened and hopefully one day it will be virtually gone. Why not completely gone?

One thing that I consider a blessing from the rejection of these girls is that I am sensitive to it when I see it in the girls God has blessed me with. Not only can I see and empathize with the girls who feel rejected, but I am also sensitive to the girls who are mean. Okay, not the truly mean girls. I am so glad to say that in 19 years of teaching I have only had one truly mean girl. Part of me felt badly for her because she obviously is missing something in her heart that makes her that way, but the other part of me really struggled with feeling for her. She is the dictionary definition of mean girl.

Anyway, those girls who can be mean at times are that way because they have been hurt too or because of their insecurities. If a girl is open, I can speak into the situation and hopefully help her see that her actions or words are mean. Then there are the girls who are treated meanly. Them I just love on and try to encourage them to rise up over the pain that they are experiencing. It isn't always easy to relive what I went through to help them, but sometimes it is very necessary for my healing and my ministering to my girls.

I know that this is just the first step for me, the first rejection area that I will examine and forgive. Honestly, this is probably the easiest one that I will have to address, but I know that further examination and the process of forgiving will bring freedom.

The Work Seems Unending

It has been over a month since I have even wanted to write anything. As I wrote before, back in August I prayed God would knock a wall down in my life. Well, it appears that one wall started a domino affect in my life. He has been knocking down walls, break through glass barriers, chipping away chunks of my heart, and walking me through the refining fire. It has been impossibly hard, but after each collapse, shatter, break, and smelting has come a freedom. I hope at the end of each I will get a break, get a prize for being willing. But no breaks have come, and I guess freedom is to be the prize. Currently is no exception.

I have gone through a few days, well actually a week now, where my heart felt like a boulder was sitting on it. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I would find I had been staring off for a long time, just staring. I felt like I was going crazy. Someone would say something and my mind would instantly start to analyze it and come up with the worse case scenario of what was really meant. Worse than the words spoken, were the ones not. I shared a little of my struggles and was met with silence. It hurt so badly to have nothing said to me. No words of  comfort, or compassion, or prayers. I felt like I was isolated in my pain. The silence reminded me of why I keep things to myself. It felt like no one cared.

I had been told once, by someone I love, that I was in a depression. I was shocked by the thought. I was sad sometimes, but depression. Surely, not! But as I have tried to function this last week with this incredible sadness and misleading thought patterns, I was once again told by someone else, that I needed to see someone about the what it. Of course, being the googling person that I am, I started to look up depression. I am not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I read things that lined up exactly with what I have been experiencing. I read about ways to deal with it. I read about medicine, counseling, and things I can do for myself. It was good because I couldn't deny anymore, but it was bad because it sent my spinning.

 The pain increased and the doubt flooded over me. The shame of just not being good enough rushed through my mind. I just couldn't shake the thought, "if I was a better then this wouldn't be happening to me. If I was a better person, a better Christian, then I would be going through this." I started to grow angry at God for allowing this to happen to me. I spent years building up those walls so I didn't have to feel anything and now they are down and this is the result! I really thought, "why did I bother?" This is far too much for me. I can't do this. I don't want to. I am tired of the heart work. It is too much, too fast, and it feels like I am getting nothing but more heart work as a reward. I just wanted to crawl into a ball and wait for it to just pass.

This is by far the most agonizing thing I have ever faced. But I am facing it.

Yesterday, I stood by the sink in my kitchen, looking out the window at a North Carolina snow storm and told God, "Do whatever needs to be done, because I can't do this anymore." I sat down on my couch turned on some Laura Story, oh the words in her songs just seem to speak to where I am, and listened to her sing. I replayed the music and sang along. Sometimes I was belting out the lyrics, sometimes barely whispering the words, and sometimes sang them in my heart as tears streamed down my face.

Through all of it I journaled and prayed. I prayed that God would speak to me and as I closed my mouth this song started to play and knew God was talking to me.

Perfect Peace
Stay close by my side
Keep your eyes on me
Though this life is hard
I will give you perfect peace

In this time of trial
Pain that no one sees
Trust me when I say
That I will give you perfect peace

And you'll never walk alone
And you'll never be in need
Though I may not calm the storms around you
You can hide in me

Burdens that you bear
Offer no relief
Let me bear your load
'Cause I will give you perfect peace

Stay close by my side
And you'll never walk alone
Keep your eyes on me
And you'll never be in need
Though this life is hard
Know that I will always give you perfect peace
I will give you perfect peace

The song ended and I just sat with God for awhile. The words sank in and I started to feel a measure of that perfect peace. After some time of quiet I asked Him this question. "Am I suppose to rise up out of this or walk through it?" I haven't hear an answer yet, but when I woke up this morning it was not with pain weighing down on my heart, but rather with the words of a song upon it instead.

And as for the silence I received from others, I'm not going to say it doesn't hurt, but I realize the silence is because they do not understand. They have their own struggles, but this is outside their realm of struggle. It isn't that they don't care, it's that they don't know. That is why they are silent. They don't know what to say. I have to give them the grace to not expect a response from them. Not that I don't need encouraging and compassionate words and their prayers, but I need to give grace in their silence. Because I need grace in mine when I don't have the words to give others.

2013 and 2014 Blended Together in Tears

I know that some people were partying when the clock struck midnight and 2013 faded away into 2014. I know some people were asleep. I know some were awake but not partying, maybe they were working or worrying about loved ones who were out partying.

I was laying in my bed sobbing. Yes, I ended 2013 in tears and entered 2014 the same way.

It wasn't New Year's that was making me sad. I like New Year's. I am usually asleep because I know when I wake up it'll be 2014, and it isn't necessary for me to stay up until midnight. I was sobbing because my heart was aching.

My heart had been aching for just over a day at that point, and until an hour ago my heart was still aching. Why? Honestly, that is not important for this post. Sorry, this is a between-me-and-God thing. But the process isn't just between Him and I.

It started with a late-night sobbing session that left me with a piercing headache and heart that ached horribly. I managed four hours of sleep and then was up with the furry babies who demanded food. The day however was spent in tears. I prayed. I read the Word. I poured out my hurt to God. I listened for His Voice. But mostly I cried. I finally managed to pull myself out of bed to shower and attend a get together with my family. But when I got home I climbed into my bed and journaled and prayed. My dog decided that she need to stay outside until after midnight barking at the people shooting off their fireworks, the obviously illegal ones based on how loud they were, so while she was outside I laid in bed and cried.

Yesterday, I downloaded three albums of  one of my favorite singers, Laura Story, onto my MP3 player, and listened to them and let the words speak healing to my heart. I also prayed and prayed and prayed. I continued to ask Him to help me with the grief. Every time satan whispered in my ear I told him where to go, in Jesus' Name, and once again prayed that God would take it.

My emotions over the last three days have included: anger, loneliness, heartache, and a fear that I would not shake the sadness and ache. I have read more verses in the Bible over the last few days than in any same three day span. I have read from a wonderful book, Breaking Free by Beth Moore. There are healing words in the book that helped. I listened to the songs on my MP3 player over and over again. I prayed and prayed and prayed. And I cried.

Today, I hoped that maybe I would be able to be beyond so much of the hurt. I tried to do some projects. I tried to read. I tried to sleep. No matter what I tried, the feelings of ache washed over me again and again. I even started to wish for my vacation to be over so I could go back to work, where I would be too busy to feel so much. I crawled into bed to listen to my songs, journal, and read. After I read Psalm 34, it happened. The veil fell and with it came the realization that it was over. The ache was gone. I was able to forgive and knew that I really meant it. I was able to thank Him for taking the ache. I was able to cry tears of relief and joy.

Why did it change in an instant like that? I am not completely sure. I only know that it was almost three full days, and He does amazing things after three days. I also know that He uses the pain and heartaches in our lives to work a good work in us and through us. I do not know what the ultimate glory will be from these three days, but I do know that He will be glorified.