God knows the desires of my heart. He knew them before I did. As a little girl I longed for one thing when I grew up; a husband who loved me and a house full of children. With each passing month, I find myself doing the math, knowing the biological clock is winding down. I'm much older than I tell my students I am and older than most people guess. People only a few years older than me comment about how they are so much older than I am. I just smile and say, "I'm much closer to your age than you think." When I sit in the quiet of my home the day after our annual grade level trip, I realize just how much my heart still longs for something it has wanted for so very long.
On Wednesday, I sacrificed my sweatshirt to be used as a pillow knowing it would probably be thrown up on, and it was. On Thursday, I sacrificed my front seat on the bus and a sit-down dinner to remain by another who was sick. The funny thing, ironic funny, is I didn't mind. I still don't. For just a little while, I got to know what a part of my desires fulfilled would include: I got to sacrifice for a child. It might seem weird that such sacrifice would bring me joy, but it does.
I was able to be something for them in their time of need. I realize that in my position, I get to do that all the time. Sometimes it is purely being someone they need for academic purposes, but other times it's someone who listens to their concerns and fears. Sometimes it's to listen to their silly stories and corny jokes. When one of them grabs my hand and swings it as we walk I always let them. It's what is needed in the moment. If one says, "can I talk to you privately?" The answer is always "yes". When one cries, asks for advice, tries to trick me with a silly riddle, or says "did you see that?" when they did something amazing, I might have to sacrifice the moment that I should be doing something else, something teacher-y, but I gladly do. If at all possible I take that moment that that one needs.
One time I didn't. One time I didn't listen when one needed me. One time I didn't sacrifice the fun time I was having to just be there in the moment. Months later that one was lost forever, and I will always regret the moment I didn't take, the moment I should have sacrificed what I wanted for what someone else needed. Others don't understand that I will never purposely ignore the one who needs me in the moment again. How can they unless they've made a similar choice with regretful results? I might not realize that there is a need and not give the time sought, but I will not do that on purpose.
Is that longing still there, the longing that includes sacrificing time to a husband and children of my own? Yes, and I try really hard to have faith that God knows why the longing is still unfulfilled. Maybe I couldn't be what I need to be for the hundreds of students I have had over my years of teaching if it had been. Maybe the reason I can be there for them is because I don't have what I want. Not that I want to sacrifice my heart's desires, I really really don't, but if waiting means I am helping someone else, then I guess I can wait a little longer.
