Today I Cried, A Lot

A few days ago I wrote that I didn't know what my purpose during the summer months was and after hitting "publish" I thought I knew what it was. Writing about what I am thinking, feeling, hearing from God, and experiencing seem to be my purpose for this summer.

So today I have been in tears more than not. I woke up this morning and realized it is my birthday. Yippee! Today I turn 40. This is supposed to be a happy day, and it isn't that the day isn't happy. Really birthday wishes are nice and I like getting them. I don't even mind turning 40. I have only dreaded one birthday and that was 26. Yup, 26. In my mind that was on the other side of my imaginary line between being young and being an adult. It was such a hard birthday for me that my family throw me a little girl's party. Every gift I received was for children, like a fake make-up kit and bright-colored, plastic hair barretts. It was a great birthday!

So why crying today? Well it was a dream I had. I dreamt I was just waking up and my stepdad, Rick, showed up with presents. He said he had to just drop them off because he had some place to be. Now, I wear contacts so my just waking up eyes have trouble focusing a lot. He kept taking items out and showing them to me, but I couldn't see them very clearly. They all seemed so nice and there were so many of them. Then he said he had to go and I would have to open the rest after he left.

After he left I got out of bed and started to hold up the things that he had brought. They were expensive, beautiful, and like nothing else I have. Some of the clothes were too small for me and too attractive for me. Some things were soft. Some things brought a smile to me lips because they were so cute and sweet. And I thought every thing was too good for me!

That was when I woke up and I knew, without a doubt, that dream was from God. I know that it was God giving me gifts that I couldn't imagine. I know that He was giving me things that I don't think fit my life as it is now. I know that He was giving me things that were better than me, so much better, and I know that I am not worthy of such fine things.

Not only that, I doubted. I doubted that He really would. I cried and cried off and on all day because I can't imagine that He really will give them to me. I don't doubt that He is able. I know that He is able, but I have never had what those things represnted that He presented to me in the dream. So I doubt.

I wish I was at a place where I didn't doubt, but I'm not. So in part that has always been the purpose of this blog. This blog is called "Even If My Voice Shakes" for a reason. I try to be as honest and open even when it means putting out there my hurts, doubts, and fears. So today I am being honest about my doubt.

While I'm Waiting

The words of this song have been going through my mind a lot lately. I even wake up with the words of the chorus running through my thoughts. The song is called "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait


I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait


I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord




I always have the same question when I hear them, "how do I serve you while I am waiting?"

This is the problem with summer vacation. I look forward to it each year but about two weeks in I start to get restless and feel like I have no purpose. During the school year my purpose is quite obvious, and although draining at times it is fulfilling because I know that is my calling. The few days of rest, sleeping in or going back to sleep after feeding the demanding cats and dog, and staying in PJ's way passed the time I would be in school doesn't fulfill the times of feel directionless and purposeless.

Now, I am not waiting for school to start again. That will happen again in middle August. Honestly, I am waiting for what happens after I turn 40, and that is next week. A few years ago I felt that 40 was a significant number for me and I had no desire to wait until I turned 40. I thought I would never make it. Now it is less than a week away. I am both excited and a bit apprehensive, okay mostly apprehensive.

One thing I want more than any thing is to be married and to have a child. Even though this is what I want I fear it too. I listen to the radio and they do these snippets about family and marriage. The name of it escapes me right now, but I am sure it plays on many Christian stations. They are good, helpful, practical helps for husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, and children. At times these helps scary me to death. And the memories of my parent's marriage and others that have not been successful make me scared to death of being married. Not to mention, I see the failure of those who are supposed to protect and care for their children and instead damage them. I know parents make mistake and I fear screwing up a child.

What does this have to do with the song, well that is what I am waiting or, even though it scares me. So as I wait how do I serve? Like I said, that is my question. I also said in the summer it is hard for me to find purpose. I don't want to just start doing the things everyone does to serve, not that many aren't worthy, but rather I know they are not the way He is asking me to. How do I know? Because I have tried. I felt less close to doing what He wanted when I tried to do what others did or what others expected. So I will continue to ask the question until God gives me the answer.

Forty!!!

This year I turn forty. Yup, forty. Not the nineteen I tell me students that I am. (Some of them still can't figure out how old I am so I'm sticking with nineteen for now.) Forty. And I am looking forward to it.

Yes, you don't need to reread that. I really wrote that I am looking forward to it. Why? Well, let's look at forty. I opened up my Strong's Concordance and "forty" has about a column and a half of scriptural references.

Genesis 7:4 "In just seven days I will dump rain on Earth for forty days and forty nights. I'll make a clean sweep of everything that I've made." That seems bad, right? Forty days of rain and it will wipe out everything. The only ones saved where Noah and his family and the animals God brought to him. Everything else, the evil, the hurt, the grime and dirt of the world were gone.

Forty is one of the numbers Abraham asked God about when he was trying to get Lot saved from destruction. Of course there weren't forty righteous people in Sodom and Gomorrah. I think it's interesting that Abraham kept asking God numbers of people, like He didn't know there weren't that many people. God keeps letting us ask and He patiently keeps answering, even when He knows we are hedging around the real question.

Isaac was forty when he married Rebekah. Esau was forty when he married. The Egyptian embalming of Israel even took forty days. And that's just Genesis!

Moses lived in Egypt forty years, lived in exile for forty years, and lead the Israelites around the wilderness for forty years. He spent forty days and forty nights on Mount Sinai with God and in the end came down with the tablets containing the Ten Commandments.

The spies Moses sent into the Promised Land were there for forty days before returning with their report. Caleb was forty when Moses sent him into the Promised Land to spy it out. The judge, Othniel, went to war against Aram Naharaim and then the land was quiet for forty years. After Deborah and Jael defeat Canaan the land was quiet for forty years. The land was quiet for forty years after Gideon broke the hold of Midian.

There is more in the Old Testament, but on to the New.

Jesus was fasting in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights. After His resurrection He showed Himself for forty days before ascending.

There are forty days, forty days and nights, being forty years-old, and forty years, and these are just some of the forties. Some seem negative, wondering and waiting, but during those times God removes what needs to be removed and He takes care of the needs at the same time. These times, I am sure were hard and challenging, but He takes them through.

There are also forty years of quiet in the land. Those were times when there was no attack from without and the people were following the laws of the Lord. That would be nice, right forty years of quiet in life. That said, those forty years were times of cleansing, of getting rid of the stuff that needs to go. I would rather those years of pruning and becoming more like Christ than forty quiet ones. Also those forty years came after years of being controlled by others and having to fight a war to gain the quiet. I would be okay with that.

Then there are those examples of people being forty when... So I guess that is one reason I am glad to turn forty. I would love for my forty to be one of those examples. I am looking forward to being forty. I can't even believe that I can actually saw that.