When It's Out of My Hands

"Can I really let it be out of my hands?

When it's out of my hands"

Those two lines of Building 429's song, Fear No More, jumped out at me and hit me right in the middle of my plotting brain. I was driving to a local coffee shop to meet a friend to work on some online PD, and my mind was replaying a phone conversation I had earlier this morning, actually two phone conversations. One brought my doubts to the surface and the other made me wonder why no one else put 2 and 2 together like my brain was thinking. I started to figure out how I could manipulate, yup manipulate people into seeing the two 2's and make me the answer. My brain was right in the middle of, "I should call ___ and ask her to..." when those lines from the song interrupted my thoughts. 

"Can I really let it be out of my hands?"

Can I really stop wanting things done now? Can I really stop trying to get things done my way? Can I stop the manipulating thoughts and even words and actions? Can I really stop trying to tell God how to do it? The answer is simple, yes. but it isn't easy. 

When someone asks, "how are you remaining so calm?", it's simple to reply, "I know God's got this." But it's not easy to just let Him. It's simple to pray, "Lord, let your will be done." But it's not easy to really mean it. It's simple to say, "I know God's going to make a way where there is no way." But it's not easy to stare into the unknown and believe when all you see is vague and shadowed. It's simple to put on a smile and make others think your okay with the unknown and waiting. But it's not easy to hold back the tears while you're driving in your car alone. It's simple to pray day after day after day for months, years, for a a man I do not know. But it's not easy to believe God actually has a husband for me who is benefiting from those prayers. It is simple to find things on Pinterest for "the kids". But it's not easy watching mothers with their kids and wonder if I'll have that desire fulfilled. 

"When it's out of my hands"

It is! God tells me on an almost daily basis because my faith is that small, "be still", "I'm fighting for you", "wait patiently", and "do not fear". He reminds me that it is out of my hands. I can't make the job appear. I can't make the judgments of me change the opinions people have. I can't make a man fall in love with me. I can't make a child suddenly appear in my life. I can't make money fill up my bank account. I can't stop the unexpected from happening. Those things are out of my hands. 

I can only do what I know God has called me to do. "Ask, seek, knock", "expect Him to do above and beyond what I can ask for", "wait and see that the Lord is good", and "know that the battle belongs to the Lord." Every time I try to make things happen the results are bad, sometimes devastating even. But when He gives me an action step to take and I take it, I see the puzzle pieces being put into place. I don't get to see the box. I don't know what the finished masterpiece will look like. God doesn't even place the edges first. He puts one piece next the ones already in place. He already knows the image on the box, and He knows there are no missing pieces. 

When it's out of my hands, I can really let it stay out of my hands! I can simply trust that everything is in His hands, even when trusting isn't easy. 

I've Got to Let Myself Off the Hook

Have you ever been so engrossed in your own pain, your own confusion, that you don't think about other people's feelings? I'm going to guess the answer is "yes". Do you do things to protect yourself and ultimately some of those things did hurt others? Think about it and I bet you'll be able to think of a time when it did. I can say "yes" to both of these. Honestly, I think most of the time we are so caught up in our own pain that we fail to recognize that we have hurt anyone else. If we even realize it it is usually well after wards. Not long ago, I did hurt someone because of my own pain and although I didn't know it immediately, I did know within a couple of hours of it.

I debated about writing about what I had done, but then I realized it would need to be so cryptic because it isn't my hurt to share. What I can share is how the look on the person's face is burned in my brain. I can close my eyes and still see the confusion and hurt. In the moment, I didn't realize that I was the one who caused it. I was genuinely concerned about the person even though I was having one of those tears-are-ready-to-spill-any-moment days, but I decided that I was too emotional to speak to the person about it. I justified my inaction by thinking that my own emotions would just make the situation worse. Instead, I came to realize that my inaction actually did make it worse. If I had simply asked the person what was going on I could have quickly fixed the situation, but I didn't. A couple of hours later another opportunity for me to seek the cause of the pain came up. I wish I could say that I jumped at the chance to deal with it, but I listened to my own hurt and confused emotions and remained silent. Later that same day what I had done to cause the pain flashed in front of my face like a neon sign. The realization that I was the cause of the pain was like a punch in the gut, but still I did nothing. I rationalized that I would be able to deal with it, set things right, another day when my own emotions weren't so raw.

What do they say about "best laid plans"? Well, a day went by and another and before I knew it a week and then two weeks went by. I still felt the guilt of my unintentional pain causing and my inaction, but I felt that too much time had passed. The other person seemed fine and I convinced myself we could just move on without me saying a word. The problem was my mind couldn't convince my heart to go along with the plan. So weeks after I should have spoken up I finally did something to show how sorry I was. How was it received? Exactly as it would have been weeks earlier. The person realized it wasn't intentional, which of course they had thought it was, and they accepted my apology. Instead of the pain I saw weeks before, I saw a smile and relief. A relationship set back on the right path.

So why this morning did that pain-filled face flash into my memory? I think for two reasons: one is that I never forgave myself. I sought the person's forgiveness. I cried over how I made the person feel. I asked God to forgive me. But I never forgave myself. I didn't let myself off the hook and was internally still punishing myself for it. So I took the time to pray and accept forgiveness from myself.

Two is that I came to a deep understanding that no matter how much I try to be good, try to be right all the time, because I really do try, I mess up. I mess up because I have hurts and hardships and in the midst of them I don't think about others. I think back to when I was a kid and didn't get all that I needed from my mom because she was going through her own hurt and hardship. Obviously, as an adult I can understand and I hold nothing against her for it. But deep inside of me I decided that I wouldn't do that too. I decided that in my own strength I would try to always be right, to always be there for others no matter what. I can remember at one point actually thinking that I would never be the adult who would hurt a child. Wow! That's a tall and impossible order!

In my own strength, my own hurts, my own narrow vision, how could I ever think it was possible? I have been a teacher for 24 years, and worked with kids before becoming one, and I can think of plenty of times I hurt a child unintentionally. Why do I still cling to the idea that I can control this when the evidence is mounting that I can't. Why even as I type this do I still cling to it? How do I let myself off the hook from this impossible goal? I guess the only thing I can do. Let God have it. As I do this, as I let Him help me know I'm off the hook, I feel a weight lessening on my heart. Only He is good, and I have to try to be me, flaws and all. I have to know that although I won't mean to, sometimes I will hurt others. When that happens I need to seek forgiveness from them, from God, and the hardest one of all from myself.

I started this post to write about how today I sought forgiveness for myself and how I continue to work on forgiving people who hurt me. I guess God had other plans for this post. I guess He decided it's time to deal with this unrealistic expectation that I hold, well am trying not to hold anymore. I'm trying to let go of and let God have it. 

Becoming Myself

The other day I was clicking through my email and deleting the junk. There always seems like there is so much junk! Usually I just click the little box without even viewing the email, you know the ones that are trying to get you to buy something. Well, for some reason I decided to open up one from a Christian book seller. I thought I'd see if there was any fiction books that I might like. Instead I saw a book that jumped off the screen at me. Becoming Myself: Embracing God's Dream of You by Stasi Eldredge. The title made me think it was perfect for me! The little blurb confirmed it.

For most of my life I have been hearing all sorts of messages about what is wrong with me. Some of these messages have been external but many have been internal. I am sure that I am not the only one who has heard them and repeated them to myself. I'm too fat. I'm too quiet. I don't say the right thing. I don't do the right thing. I'm not smart enough. I'm not social enough. I'm too passive. I'm not good enough. I'm too damaged. I'm too broken. Etc. Most of the time I believed these messages. These lies.

There are days when I believe these lies wholeheartedly. They are yelling in my mind and my heart. They keep telling me that I need to change. I need to be fixed. They keep telling me that I need to do this or that. That's the key, or the problem, I. I need to lose weight. I need to speak more. I need to say the right thing. I need to do the right thing. I need to be smarter. I need to be more outgoing. I need to be more assertive.  I need to be better. I need to be fixed. I need to be whole. I. I. I.

After only one chapter of this book, I realize that it isn't I who needs to do anything but let go. God is the one who can. He's in the business of transforming people. He doesn't say, "do this list of fix'ems and you'll be all better," or, "once you start the work I'll finish it up for you." Instead He wants me to just give all of me to Him. He will do the transforming. Yes, there are some things that He'll require along the way, but not as prerequisites. Rather they are steps that allow me to flex the fixes that He is working. Kinda like spiritual PT.

Now, I'm not saying you have to read a book, besides the Bible, to get answers, but for me I think this book has already helped me learn something that I need. God already knows who I am, and He wants me to embrace who I am. He is doing the work to change me into that person. "For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his son..." Romans 8:29a. See it there? He is making me become.

http://store.ransomedheart.com/books/becoming-myself-582.html

This Chunk Needs to Go!

Do you know how it feels when a chunk of your heart is being chipped away at? It hurts! That's how it feels. Right now I feel like there is this huge, ugly chunk on my heart that needs to be chipped away, is being chipped away. It feels awful, it hurts, and I want it gone.

Unfortunately, it's not as easy as just wanting it gone. It seems like it would be. It would seem like having an ugly growth on your heart would be reason enough for wanting it gone. It would seem like the pain it causes would be a very compelling reason to want it to drop off of me. The problem is this chunk is directly related to someone hurting my feelings.

This chunk developed over time. At first it just felt like sadness with the way someone was acting towards me. I know that person was acting out of personal issues and not because of me per se. Knowing that doesn't change the fact that it hurt. Eventually I started to withdraw from contact with this person. I was tired of trying to interact and keep being pushed away. It hurt too much. The chunk started to grow. I withdrew and the other person didn't even seem to notice. That hurt. The chunk grew even bigger. That made me angry and, frankly, bitter. The chunk was getting bigger with each passing day.

Today I realized that the chunk is too big for me. It hurts too much. I mean it really hurts! I am tired of feeling this hurt. I am tired of feeling angry and bitter. I am tired of this chunk. I want it gone, so I came to my blog. Why? Because I knew if wrote about it then I would have to be accountable to myself and to anyone who reads this blog. I would be accountable to let it go and in turn the chunk will finally be chipped away. Honestly, I can already feel the difference.

I choose to forgive. I choose to let it go. I choose to change. I choose to let the chunk fall away. I choose to let God be God.

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