When It's Out of My Hands

"Can I really let it be out of my hands?

When it's out of my hands"

Those two lines of Building 429's song, Fear No More, jumped out at me and hit me right in the middle of my plotting brain. I was driving to a local coffee shop to meet a friend to work on some online PD, and my mind was replaying a phone conversation I had earlier this morning, actually two phone conversations. One brought my doubts to the surface and the other made me wonder why no one else put 2 and 2 together like my brain was thinking. I started to figure out how I could manipulate, yup manipulate people into seeing the two 2's and make me the answer. My brain was right in the middle of, "I should call ___ and ask her to..." when those lines from the song interrupted my thoughts. 

"Can I really let it be out of my hands?"

Can I really stop wanting things done now? Can I really stop trying to get things done my way? Can I stop the manipulating thoughts and even words and actions? Can I really stop trying to tell God how to do it? The answer is simple, yes. but it isn't easy. 

When someone asks, "how are you remaining so calm?", it's simple to reply, "I know God's got this." But it's not easy to just let Him. It's simple to pray, "Lord, let your will be done." But it's not easy to really mean it. It's simple to say, "I know God's going to make a way where there is no way." But it's not easy to stare into the unknown and believe when all you see is vague and shadowed. It's simple to put on a smile and make others think your okay with the unknown and waiting. But it's not easy to hold back the tears while you're driving in your car alone. It's simple to pray day after day after day for months, years, for a a man I do not know. But it's not easy to believe God actually has a husband for me who is benefiting from those prayers. It is simple to find things on Pinterest for "the kids". But it's not easy watching mothers with their kids and wonder if I'll have that desire fulfilled. 

"When it's out of my hands"

It is! God tells me on an almost daily basis because my faith is that small, "be still", "I'm fighting for you", "wait patiently", and "do not fear". He reminds me that it is out of my hands. I can't make the job appear. I can't make the judgments of me change the opinions people have. I can't make a man fall in love with me. I can't make a child suddenly appear in my life. I can't make money fill up my bank account. I can't stop the unexpected from happening. Those things are out of my hands. 

I can only do what I know God has called me to do. "Ask, seek, knock", "expect Him to do above and beyond what I can ask for", "wait and see that the Lord is good", and "know that the battle belongs to the Lord." Every time I try to make things happen the results are bad, sometimes devastating even. But when He gives me an action step to take and I take it, I see the puzzle pieces being put into place. I don't get to see the box. I don't know what the finished masterpiece will look like. God doesn't even place the edges first. He puts one piece next the ones already in place. He already knows the image on the box, and He knows there are no missing pieces. 

When it's out of my hands, I can really let it stay out of my hands! I can simply trust that everything is in His hands, even when trusting isn't easy. 

Exodus 14:14

For quite awhile now this verse keeps making it's way into my life.

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still."  Exodus 14:14

It does seem to be a necessary reminder too. Each day passes and a situation in my life brings me more, um I don't know what, the right word isn't coming to me. What I do know is almost every time I think about it all I want to do is cry. I do know that one thing I can't do is anything. That is pretty encompassing! I can't do anything because God keeps bringing this verse to my attention.

I can't say anything. I can't do anything. I just have to breathe and be still.

That doesn't mean that it is easy though. It means surrendering. It means surrendering the hurt it brings me. It means surrendering the words I would like to say. It means surrendering my will.

The verse before this one resonates with me as I type this, "...Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today..." Exodus 14:13. It isn't just about being still. It is one of those fabulous "fear not" verses. I don't think God keeps saying that over and over again if He didn't know we needed to hear it. I know I need to hear it. This particular situation has me scared. I fear that things will not work out. I do have a good reason for thinking it is possible, past experience.

God knows all of that. That is why He continues to tell me "Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today...the Lord will fight for you, you need only be still."

My choice is to continue to follow His Word and know He is fighting for me. I know that I will see the salvation He is working on for me today.

Silent Too Long

"Shut up!"

That might accurately describe the person I once was and the person I find myself becoming again. And it scares me to death!

When I started this blog I was finding my voice. I was sharing part of me and what God has given me to share. In August, I asked God to tear down a wall in me and the floodgates opened. I have felt weak, vulnerable, and small. I have felt very unsure of myself. Sadness, anxiety, and fear have become parts of my life in ways they never had before. I feel like the more I let go of, the more I grow the worse they become. The worse they become the more I want to shut up, verbally and emotionally. I feel like I have no defense from people, the Enemy, even myself. 

I have always felt little desire for God. That makes me very sad. I have enjoyed a close relationship with Him and I have missed desiring to be with Him. The less time I spend with Him, the less I hear His voice, the less I have to say. I find myself praying the sad little prayer of, "God, I don't know what to say! I don't have anything to say!" I feel shut up even with Him.

This morning it made me angry! I want to be better. I want to be free. I don't know if the walls I built around my life masked the sadness, anxiety, and fear. Now that the wall has crumbled, or is crumbling, they are exposed in me. Some how it seems very unlikely that God would remove the wall and bring those things into my life. Therefor, I have to believe that they were already there to begin with.

I can say that over the last 10 months I have grown in so many ways. I know God has brought so much healing to my heart. He has helped me become free of things in my past. But over the last month or so I have felt this intense silence. I have taken some hits this last month or so. At work, I experienced an expected blow. Because of it I needed to speak up for myself, which isn't normal for me and was hard but freeing. Unfortunately, I am still waiting for resolution of that issue. Another issue at work, this one human related, has me frustrated and completely at a loss. It's one of those nothing-I-do-is-right situations. I have also had a relationship struggle over this time period, that I feel ill-equipped to deal with. In each of this cases, God has asked me to do one thing. Be still! 

I have wanted to speak up and ask questions. I have wanted to give speak my mind. I have wanted to "fix" the situations. I have cried over the uncertainty. I have cried over the anger and pain they have brought. I have tried to plan out solutions, but each time I have stopped as I remember that I need to be still. God gave me Exodus 14:14, "the Lord will fight for you, you need only be still."

Even though in these particular situations I hear God telling me to be still, I also know that He is saying speak up. In one situation He did ask me to speak up for myself, but then He said be still about it. I don't know if He will ask me to say anything again or in the other situations. I do know that He wants to hear my voice.

He wants me to start talking with Him more. Even if it's just a bit more than "I don't know what to say". He wants me to speak up when He gives me something to say. I don't need to just go spouting off or anything, but when I know I am to speak then I need to. This post is one of those times. I haven't blogged in over a month, but knew today was the day to write. Today was the day I needed to stop being silent too long.