A Year's Journey

A year ago I started a journey. A journey of becoming the woman, the wife, My Beloved needs. My Beloved's identity is still a mystery to me, but over the last 365 days I have fallen in love with him. Yes, I know exactly how insane that sounds! But it's true!

I asked God what I needed to do to become this woman. The first thing I started was to purge. I purged a lot of the stuff that was overwhelming my home. It has been so freeing. I have donated boxes, many boxes, bags, and crates of items. I have thrown away stuff, lots of stuff. I am not done yet. Like I said, it's freeing and I want to have less. I will never be a minimalist, but I certainly will be a lot less-ist. (Yes, I made that up.)

That was a practical change, and a good one, but definitely not the most important one. That change was prayer. I pray for this man. In the past, I prayed for God to bring a man into my life, but I didn't pray for him. I searched Pinterest for prayers for my future husband. I came across a lot of blogs and basic ideas of how to pray for him. Then I found a woman who created 40 prayers for husbands. These prayers involved praying Scripture over him. So for nearly a year, I have prayed one of these prayers over My Beloved almost every day. Now, there were times when I felt sure that they were just words and that I was fooling myself by praying for this "imaginary" man. There were days I felt too sad to pray at all. Doubt plagued my thoughts. Other days, I prayed through the doubt and fear. There were times I cried in fear through each and every word. But most days, thankfully, I pray for him with joy. I pray for him with tears of joy more than ones of fear. And honestly, it is the very best part of my day. I read my daily Scripture and then I pray for My Beloved. My heart loves him so much that I feel like it's going to burst as I pray! Once again, I know how insane that sounds.

The thoughts of how crazy this all is and the feelings of my heart war almost daily. I'm not young and the wait has been long. Like I said, I don't even know who this man is that I pray for. But I do. And  love him. Wow, this post is definitely more honest than I planned for it to be. I was just going to write about the journey, but this blog has brought out the raw in me so many times before, so why should this time be any different.

This year has also been one of the hardest of my life. I don't want to go into that at all, because that's not the point of the journey. But I do believe the struggle is part of this journey. God is using every cruel comment, every judgement, every lie about me, to make me a better person and somehow the better woman, wife, that I need to be for My Beloved. I can't say I understand, or like it, but I am thankful for it. This part of the year's journey is important too.

I would love for the end of this year to bring me face to face with My Beloved, but if God's plan is to continue longer without knowing him then I will take it. I can take it because I trust the One who is taking me on this amazing, crazy, sometimes painful, but also joy-bringing journey. 

Seeing the Beauty of Jesus

Yesterday I did something I have never done before. I went into the guest bathroom to wash out a paint brush and looked into the mirror. Normally when I look in the mirror I see flaws. The critique begins and ends in an "ugh". This time was different.

I stood there looking at myself. A small smile developed and I started to talk to myself. "I am beautiful," I told my reflection. I noticed the pretty waves in my hair and the fact that the color looks like Fall. I continued to look at my reflection and notice positive things about my appearance. Then my mirror conversation changed.

"I am beautiful on the inside because of Jesus in me." My smile grew as I told myself how even though I struggle with being selfish, proud, etc. I am beautiful because of the amazing fact that Jesus lives inside of me.

Like most of us, I focus on my negatives both inside and out. My mirror conversation was focused on the positives, most importantly the fact that Jesus lives in me. It's not that I ignored the negatives, they are still there, but they weren't important. The important thing is that I am beautiful because of Jesus in me.

I told myself that I hope that others see Him in me. I'm sure they see the negatives because we are used to seeing the negatives in ourselves and others. That lead me to think about how I see others. Do I look for their negatives first? I would have to say most of the time I do. When I look at people I want to look deeper and look to see if I see the beauty of Christ in them. I know I won't always find Him. That means that I need to pray that person comes to a place where they ask Him into their heart and let Him make them beautiful.

And for those who I see His beauty in? For them I will try harder to focus on their beauty, even when the negative is easier to see. I also will pray that He will shine out through Him even more.

I challenge you to have a mirror conversation and focus on the beauty that having Jesus in you brings out. Also to pray to see the His beauty in others and pray for those who don't have the beauty of Him them yet.

Darkness Has To Be Exposed To the Light

As many of you know I had a very rough year last year. Even as tough as it was I know that God did so much through the struggles I faced. I know that He healed old wounds and brought freedom into areas of my heart and mind. After the year was up I felt such amazing joy and peace! I knew that the mountain top, wind sweeping through my hair experience would not last forever, but I certain wished that it would. ;)

School started again and with it comes certain challenges for all teachers, but I also faced some unique ones. Because of them I would walk into school with one prayer upon my lips, "Lord, please reveal your Truth." I knew what I wanted Him to reveal, but I also knew that there would be so much more revealed.

It wasn't long before some of those unexpected revelations started popping up. Some I kind of expected, but many were surprising to me. Some were about me, some were about people who related directly with me, and some were about people I really had no or little interaction with. You would think I would be happy to see the truth being revealed, but instead I've been more grieved than anything.

I went to God and asked Him why so much ugliness was being revealed. Why was there lies, bullying, and cruel behavior being revealed? His response makes sense, but surprised me. He said, "In order for Truth to be revealed darkness has to be brought out into the Light."

I can't say that I like the ugliness anymore now that I understand that, but I now see why it is necessary. I still pray the same prayer as I walk the halls of the building, and more darkness keeps coming out. Of course, what I want Him to reveal hasn't been, yet. I have to trust that He will continue to reveal things in my life that need to change, and I know that in His time He will revel what I have asked to be. Until then, I will continue to pray for Truth to be revealed and understand that that means I will also see the darkness that the Truth reveals.

https://www.behance.net/gallery/4269169/The-Truth-Revealed

Sometimes I Just Need to Ask for Prayer

Honesty time! Today I hoped to get through the day without having an emotional lapse or worse a breakdown. I was not successful!

Facebook reminded me that three of my friends had birthdays today. I went to two of those and wished them a "happy birthday", but the third I needed to wait on. I wasn't sure that I could actually wish a happy birthday. I mean I wanted to, but I wasn't sure how I would handle it.

This evening I knew that I had to take the chance and wish "happy birthday". For one reason, I would never want him to think that I didn't care that it was his birthday. For another, I am an expert at avoiding things in order to not deal. I knew I couldn't just not deal. I knew I had to deal. So I did it.

I was then hit with emotions. Honestly, not as badly as I could imagine, but hard anyway. I struggled with it for a few minutes and then I did what I knew I had to. I reached out and asked for prayer. Then I cried.

Within minutes a bunch of people were praying for me, even though they had no idea why. As they prayed I felt God comfort my heart. I am still sad, but not to the point I was earlier. And certainly not as sad as I have been in the past.

God is healing me. Sometimes much slower than I wish, but He is healing me. Leaving it all in His hands is sometimes the hardest thing He asks me to do, but that is where He has asked me to put it. And that is where He wants me to leave it.

Being A Part of Something Wonderful

Today I was sitting around a fellow teacher's classroom with a group of teachers waiting for a phone call that would bring one of them news. We talked, laughed, and waited. More teachers came in and soon join the waiting party. We talked, laughed, and waited some more.

Everyone had promised to pray for her, and I am sure they have. I know that I have. It is easy to say you'll pray for someone. After a little while someone said we should pray right then and now. That sounded good to me. What I missed in that request was that I was being asked to pray. I have to admit I didn't feel like the best candidate to asked. I took a deep breath and emotions wash over me, I started to tear up. I prayed, I don't remember what it was that I exactly prayed, but I felt like God gave me the words.

It was a long time before I didn't feel like crying. The emotions were so strong. I realize that it has been a long time, if ever, that I have wanted something so much for someone else. I wanted to see her desire of her heart to come to pass.

I guess a part of me thinks that if I see her heart's desire come to pass then maybe mine will too. I know it doesn't really work that way, but maybe it can help increase my faith.

Oh, and that phone call. It came within 5 minutes and it was good news!