The Work Seems Unending

It has been over a month since I have even wanted to write anything. As I wrote before, back in August I prayed God would knock a wall down in my life. Well, it appears that one wall started a domino affect in my life. He has been knocking down walls, break through glass barriers, chipping away chunks of my heart, and walking me through the refining fire. It has been impossibly hard, but after each collapse, shatter, break, and smelting has come a freedom. I hope at the end of each I will get a break, get a prize for being willing. But no breaks have come, and I guess freedom is to be the prize. Currently is no exception.

I have gone through a few days, well actually a week now, where my heart felt like a boulder was sitting on it. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I would find I had been staring off for a long time, just staring. I felt like I was going crazy. Someone would say something and my mind would instantly start to analyze it and come up with the worse case scenario of what was really meant. Worse than the words spoken, were the ones not. I shared a little of my struggles and was met with silence. It hurt so badly to have nothing said to me. No words of  comfort, or compassion, or prayers. I felt like I was isolated in my pain. The silence reminded me of why I keep things to myself. It felt like no one cared.

I had been told once, by someone I love, that I was in a depression. I was shocked by the thought. I was sad sometimes, but depression. Surely, not! But as I have tried to function this last week with this incredible sadness and misleading thought patterns, I was once again told by someone else, that I needed to see someone about the what it. Of course, being the googling person that I am, I started to look up depression. I am not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I read things that lined up exactly with what I have been experiencing. I read about ways to deal with it. I read about medicine, counseling, and things I can do for myself. It was good because I couldn't deny anymore, but it was bad because it sent my spinning.

 The pain increased and the doubt flooded over me. The shame of just not being good enough rushed through my mind. I just couldn't shake the thought, "if I was a better then this wouldn't be happening to me. If I was a better person, a better Christian, then I would be going through this." I started to grow angry at God for allowing this to happen to me. I spent years building up those walls so I didn't have to feel anything and now they are down and this is the result! I really thought, "why did I bother?" This is far too much for me. I can't do this. I don't want to. I am tired of the heart work. It is too much, too fast, and it feels like I am getting nothing but more heart work as a reward. I just wanted to crawl into a ball and wait for it to just pass.

This is by far the most agonizing thing I have ever faced. But I am facing it.

Yesterday, I stood by the sink in my kitchen, looking out the window at a North Carolina snow storm and told God, "Do whatever needs to be done, because I can't do this anymore." I sat down on my couch turned on some Laura Story, oh the words in her songs just seem to speak to where I am, and listened to her sing. I replayed the music and sang along. Sometimes I was belting out the lyrics, sometimes barely whispering the words, and sometimes sang them in my heart as tears streamed down my face.

Through all of it I journaled and prayed. I prayed that God would speak to me and as I closed my mouth this song started to play and knew God was talking to me.

Perfect Peace
Stay close by my side
Keep your eyes on me
Though this life is hard
I will give you perfect peace

In this time of trial
Pain that no one sees
Trust me when I say
That I will give you perfect peace

And you'll never walk alone
And you'll never be in need
Though I may not calm the storms around you
You can hide in me

Burdens that you bear
Offer no relief
Let me bear your load
'Cause I will give you perfect peace

Stay close by my side
And you'll never walk alone
Keep your eyes on me
And you'll never be in need
Though this life is hard
Know that I will always give you perfect peace
I will give you perfect peace

The song ended and I just sat with God for awhile. The words sank in and I started to feel a measure of that perfect peace. After some time of quiet I asked Him this question. "Am I suppose to rise up out of this or walk through it?" I haven't hear an answer yet, but when I woke up this morning it was not with pain weighing down on my heart, but rather with the words of a song upon it instead.

And as for the silence I received from others, I'm not going to say it doesn't hurt, but I realize the silence is because they do not understand. They have their own struggles, but this is outside their realm of struggle. It isn't that they don't care, it's that they don't know. That is why they are silent. They don't know what to say. I have to give them the grace to not expect a response from them. Not that I don't need encouraging and compassionate words and their prayers, but I need to give grace in their silence. Because I need grace in mine when I don't have the words to give others.

I Nearly Lost the Battle!

The last two days I had to take off of work. I probably should have taken the two or three before them as well, but hindsight you know! I just keep thinking, "if I can just make it to the weekend I'll be okay." Well, I didn't make it. Instead I lost it! That decided my need for a couple days off for me.

My mind and heart were having an epic size battle of distorted thoughts and crazed emotions. I felt like I was going crazy, and I needed to just take care of me. Over the last two days I have prayed, cried, journaled, and slept. That last one is a big one because I haven't done much of that lately! My emotions ranged from anger, to sadness, to hopelessness, to fear, to loneliness, and much more. My thoughts were traveling along the similar crazed path, jumping from one ridiculous, and even destructive, thought after another. I was battling and losing.

Today, I realized that I couldn't even look up, not even up at myself in the mirror. I was downcast and starting to realize that I was going to sink into a deep depression soon if I didn't do something drastic. So I did. I picked up a book full of Scripture and teaching about the mind - I think I mentioned it before. ;) I hadn't read from it in a few days and in a way I am glad. I am glad because today's reading was from the chapter "The Mind of Christ", and I so needed to read that today. I practically devoured the Scriptures mentioned in the chapter, and stopped and prayed many times along the way. It was like the collection of the Word in the chapter was feeding my spirit, my mind, and my heart, well actually it was.

I saw so much Truth spilling off the pages, and I knew were I had gone wrong. I realized that I was putting my faith, my hope, and my need to have the gaping holes of my heart filled in the wrong hands. I was expecting people to do what only God can do. I was expecting to gain life, freedom, wholeness, and joy from relationships and I was failing. I was failing because that is never how it was meant to be! Relationships are vital to our development as individuals and bring happiness and companionship to our lives. But people weren't made to heal us and restore us. Placing that sort of responsibility in their hands was simply unfair of me, unfair to them and unfair to me. God is the only one who can heal, restore, give hope, increase my faith, and fill the gaping holes with His love.

The realization of what I was doing and how wrong it was stopped me in my tracks. It was like doing a complete 180 and knowing that now I was seeing clearly because I was turned toward the Light. Earlier today I reached out for companionship. I vowed that if it didn't come I would not get upset. I wasn't sure that I could keep my promise, but when the "no" came I did. I stopped and focused on Him and did something I have never done before. I picked myself up off my bed and took myself to a movie. That might now seem like a very "spiritual" way to address the situation, but it truly was.

I realized as I drove home that even if no one chooses to walk this life with me God does. He is with me always, and I can, in Him, go out and do life on my own, if need be. I want friends, I need them, but I can't expect them to be for me what only He can be. I can't expect them to be for me what only I can be for me. I can't be it for them either. I am truly sorry for putting on others the burden of trying to fix me! The only one who can carry that is God, and even though I don't always like the way He does it, He does a very good job!

Will there be times that I put my faith and hope where it doesn't belong? Yes. Will there be times when I am lonely and sad? Yes. Times when I am angry? Yes. Will I fight more battles with my mind and emotions? Yes. I pray that with each time I will learn more quickly than the time before, what I am doing and turn to Him. I hope that I will be able to be quiet enough to hear His still small voice. I covet your prayers and support as I know that today is not the last day of even this battle. Tomorrow, satan will probably try again. He never gives up because he truly doesn't get it that he's lost. But he has, because Jesus won the victory over him and all of his plans and devises, and I have Jesus in me so I can rest in His victory!