The One That I Love

This blog exposes me. It makes me put out there things that I would rather keep all to myself. Things like fears, feelings, dreams, and longings. I especially want to keep my longings to myself. I keep just enough of me back. I have such a hard time letting it all out, letting it go. I don't want to risk being judged, being rejected. Part of me wants to spill it all out and let it go. Part of me dreads that possibility. But right now I feel like I will bust if I don't pour some of me all over this post.

I love someone. I mean truly love this person. I want this person to experience joy, especially the joy of a relationship with Christ. I want this person to not have to experience the pain of strained relationships with family. I want this person to know he is wanted, that he is loved. I want him to experience a stability in his life that he has rarely had. I want him to have great friendships. I want him to have success in the things that he loves to do the most. I want him to smile everyday. (He has a great smile.) I want him to feel loved. I want him to know that I love him and that no matter what I always will. No matter the miles of separation. No matter the past. No matter the present. No matter what the future may bring. I want him to know, but I fear that he never will.

Oh, I have said it. I have showed it. I just don't think it has been enough.

You see this person I love is not an adult, but a child, well a teenager. I first knew I loved him when he was only 9. I had the strongest pull on my heart that I have ever had in my life. I am not a parent and although I can't be sure, I believe I love him like he was my own child. Like I said, I have never loved anyone like it before or since. And just when I thought maybe he would become more apart of my life, it all crumbled in front of me. I was devastated and the pain of that time is still with me. In some ways the intensity of the pain has diminished but in some ways it is just as strong as ever.

I have tried to keep my hands totally off and let God do what He will, but it has been hard. I have put my hands in and it hasn't gone well. This morning I was trying to convince myself that I could put my hands in just a little bit and it would be okay, but I knew that it wouldn't be. I knew it wasn't for me to do. I knew it wasn't about him. I knew it was about my selfish feelings. I knew I had to stay strong in my faith and keep my hands off.

That doesn't change the fact that I want the pain to go away. I want the joy of being apart of his life. I miss him terribly. I pray for him. I cry for him. I hope for him. And for right now, that is all I can do.

One last time...

Well, I posted a blog I wrote earlier and it wasn't the real post I was supposed to write. Yeah, it was all about obedience and I totally wasn't being obedient.

So what was the real post supposed to be about? It was supposed to be about a big thing that I think about a lot, but rarely if ever talk about. It is painful and exposing and sharing it seems like the craziest thing to do. BUT it is what God is telling me to write about. So here goes....I am hestitanting...still hestitating....asking Him if I really have to do this....okay here goes.

When I moved to North Carolina I had an extremely hard first year. It was a good year, of healing, but healing can be painful because sometimes it involves needed surgery. God did some heart surgery on me and it was excurciating at times. I wouldn't trade that time for anything!

Okay, that doesn't seem like a big deal, but that's just some details. What happened that year was I met someone who stirred something in my heart I had never felt before. No, it wasn't a man. It was a 4th grade boy, and he stirred the Mom part of my heart. I had been teaching for over ten years at the time so I have had hundreds of students, and some who needed special care and loving, but they never stirred that spot in my heart before. His story is his so I won't tell it, but I can say he needed that Mom spot in my heart as much as I needed it stirred.

For two school years I spend time with him and enjoyed the ups and the downs, and sometimes there were serious downs. Even as I enjoyed time with him, I knew that it would change after he was done with elementary school. Those thoughts overshadowed too many of my thoughts and caused an ache in my heart. Then the day came and he moved on from elementary school to middle school. I have to admit I cried like I've never cried before. It honestly felt like someone had died. It felt like a part of my heart had been ripped out.

After a summer of missing him, he played football for his middle school team. I spent Saturdays watching him play and it was a very small taste of what I was missing. But it didn't last. The season ended and then, well then nothing. There wasn't a time to spend with him or watching him and it broke my heart all over again. I tried hard to figure out a way to hold on but I couldn't.  

So then periodic times of rare communication happened, and I realized that was all I was going to get. I wasn't sure if I should try harder. I wasn't sure if I should just let go and think of it as a time period that was. I wasn't sure of anything. I prayed. I cried. I tried too hard. I didn't try at all.

Days passed, months passed, and now years have passed, and the Mom part of my heart still cries and wonders. I wonder if anyone will ever fill that part of my heart. I wonder if some day God will restore a relationship and he will fill that part. Now I know God is the only one who can fill my heart, but there's a reason that there's a verse about the desires of our hearts. He made us with specific desires, talents, gifts. It's okay to have desires of the heart. If it wasn't He wouldn't have included a verse about getting them.

So why did He ask me to write this now? I'm not sure. Maybe it was another part of that heart surgery He performs (believe me this hurt, it hurt a lot!) I still pray for him. I still care about him. I still hope.