The One That I Love

This blog exposes me. It makes me put out there things that I would rather keep all to myself. Things like fears, feelings, dreams, and longings. I especially want to keep my longings to myself. I keep just enough of me back. I have such a hard time letting it all out, letting it go. I don't want to risk being judged, being rejected. Part of me wants to spill it all out and let it go. Part of me dreads that possibility. But right now I feel like I will bust if I don't pour some of me all over this post.

I love someone. I mean truly love this person. I want this person to experience joy, especially the joy of a relationship with Christ. I want this person to not have to experience the pain of strained relationships with family. I want this person to know he is wanted, that he is loved. I want him to experience a stability in his life that he has rarely had. I want him to have great friendships. I want him to have success in the things that he loves to do the most. I want him to smile everyday. (He has a great smile.) I want him to feel loved. I want him to know that I love him and that no matter what I always will. No matter the miles of separation. No matter the past. No matter the present. No matter what the future may bring. I want him to know, but I fear that he never will.

Oh, I have said it. I have showed it. I just don't think it has been enough.

You see this person I love is not an adult, but a child, well a teenager. I first knew I loved him when he was only 9. I had the strongest pull on my heart that I have ever had in my life. I am not a parent and although I can't be sure, I believe I love him like he was my own child. Like I said, I have never loved anyone like it before or since. And just when I thought maybe he would become more apart of my life, it all crumbled in front of me. I was devastated and the pain of that time is still with me. In some ways the intensity of the pain has diminished but in some ways it is just as strong as ever.

I have tried to keep my hands totally off and let God do what He will, but it has been hard. I have put my hands in and it hasn't gone well. This morning I was trying to convince myself that I could put my hands in just a little bit and it would be okay, but I knew that it wouldn't be. I knew it wasn't for me to do. I knew it wasn't about him. I knew it was about my selfish feelings. I knew I had to stay strong in my faith and keep my hands off.

That doesn't change the fact that I want the pain to go away. I want the joy of being apart of his life. I miss him terribly. I pray for him. I cry for him. I hope for him. And for right now, that is all I can do.