Infection Removal and the Emotions It Causes

The worst part about starting this blog is sometimes I feel the absolute need to post experiences that I don't understand and would rather not even be going through. This is one of those posts.

I am really good at building walls. I mean really good! I have stood on the podium and accepted my medal with the best of them. Living behind the wall has a feeling of a measure of comfort, a security. But it isn't really comfort or security, it's just a prison. There are certain walls I built almost thirty years ago and have worked hard over the years reinforcing and strengthening the bricks. Two months ago I asked God to help me tear down a wall. I cried out to Him with tears streaming down my face and told Him I didn't care which wall, but I just needed one to come down. Well, He answered.

The feeling of having that wall fall was exhilarating, the joy was immeasurable. I functioned on joyful adrenalin for about two weeks. I felt like I was flying. The line from a song (I am so bad with names of songs) was so true for me. "It's like my soul is flying while my feet are on the ground" That was how I felt until the heart surgery started.

Last Sunday, I felt Him start to do some work, and it hurts. I am no doctor, but I know that sometimes for healing to take place the infection needs to be dealt with, the dead tissue needs to be removed. That is the stage that I am in right now. All, I can say for certain is that it hurts, it hurts more than I believe I can handle. I feel raw! It feels like there is no anesthetics being used, although I am sure that God is shielding me from some of the pain that would kill me, emotionally, spiritually. Still the pain is so great I am not sure that I can endure this.

But I have to.

I have to because I so desperately want to be whole. I truly want to have healthy, loving relationships. I want to experience all the blessings that He has for me. I want to live an abundant life. Yet, I need to know how to endure through this stage.

Last night, I cried, no I bawled myself to sleep. This has been a normal occurrence over this past week. In the seven days between Sunday and Saturday, I only went tear-free one day. Oh how that one day was like a vacation from emotional Hell! But yesterday wasn't. Last night I just kept telling Him that I had no idea how to survive this. I begged Him to show me how to do this; how to deal with the feelings and not run back to that broken wall and put the pieces back together into some make-shift wall.

The emotions I am dealing with I haven't really experienced, at least not to this magnitude, since I was twelve or thirteen years-old. I feel jealousy, and I hate it. I come home after spending time with friends, or even just being at work, and I feel such loneliness that I feel like I'm drowning in it. I hate being alone, it hurts so much. I cry until my throat hurts and my eyes feel swollen shut.

I know some people are thinking of the answer. The religious ritual to perform. The words to speak to make it all go away. I don't want to sound rude, but you don't know what you are talking about!

When I was in middle school I had horrible ingrown toenails. They were so bad that the nails even grow out the side of my toe, yes the image you just got was disgusting! They were so painful and ugly. The infection was oozy and painful. I needed to have surgery, but the infection had to be dealt with beforehand. I needed to take medicine, soak my feet, and clean out the infection; I even had to stay in the hospital for a few days. The cleaning part hurt, but I needed it gone. Without the work to remove the infection I couldn't have the surgery, so it was needed.

I need to clean out the infection and dead tissue in my heart. I need to let the Great Physician do the necessary work to perform that. I do not want to go back behind the wall. Yes, the pain would lessen, but it would just be dull, not gone. I don't want to live a dull life. There is no quick fix. No infomercial, miracle product that can make this go away. As painful as the process is, I need to go through the healing. I need to be free.

To those who are near to me, both physically and in our hearts, please be patient with me as I travel this emotional roller-coaster. I hate the needy feelings that I am going through, but I need to let them be known, even when I don't understand them, even hate them. I want to be free and I want to have an abundant life filled with close, good relationships with you. Thank you for being with me through this, even though you don't understand and get frustrated. Thank you! I love you!

How To Get Life, Abundant Life

I have been writing devotions for a little over a month on a group I started on Facebook. It's not everyday, not yet, but I hope it will get there. Last night I was in bed when He gave me a message to write. I tried to just go to bed, I was tired, but I knew I needed to get up and write it. It was as much for me as it will be for whoever needed to read it.

I have been wondering about taking it farther than a FB group. I think it might need to become a blog of its own. I considered adding it to this one, but this blog and those devotions are different and I think need to take different avenues. So I need to work on setting up another blog. In the meantime I really feel last night's devotion needs to be shared here today. I hope it speaks to someone as much as it did me.

How To Get Life, Abundant Life

December 8, 2012

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10

Satan comes into our lives for one reason and one reason only. He comes to destroy our relationship with God. Sometimes He tries to destroy it even before we have come to have a relationship with Him. Sometimes that doesn’t work and we are saved by Christ and then he tries t separate us from Him.

He will use any and all tricks in the book to either steal our relationship with God. Or kill our relationship with God. Or destroy our relationship with God. He will use fear, anxiety, loss, torture, shame, abuse, and on and on.

When he does we have a choice. We can let fear bind us up or we can come to Jesus. We can let anxiety make question everything and do nothing or we can come to Jesus. We can let loss eat away at us and cause bitterness or we can come to Jesus. We can let torture turn us into those who seek revenge or we can come to Jesus. We can let shame make us hide ourselves or we can come to Jesus. We can let abuse make us believe we deserve it or we can come to Jesus.

We often have no choice over what happens to us, but we have a choice to stop the thief from taking from us the one thing that we desperately need. We can choose to come to Jesus and let Him have all of it. See He already took all of it upon Himself anyway. He took it at the cross. See He’s seen that and done that and defeated that already. When we bring it all, and I mean it all to Jesus, we have that life and have it abundantly that He talks about in John 10:10.

I have always wondered “how do I really get that?” I think He’s told me. I have to give Him every stole, dead, and destroyed thing that Satan has messed with and He will take it. If He takes, and He will, then what am I left with? Life and it is abundant!