Create in Me a Clean Heart

I have noticed that God has repeatedly asked me to do less. What does that mean? Not that He asks me to sit around and do nothing but binge watch Netflix. There are things I have to do, the dishes and laundry just to name two. But the deep stuff, He asks me to let Him do. He is asking me to do less when it comes to the deep stuff. He simply says, "let go and let Me."

Last night I cried angry tears to God. I used to feel guilt about doing things like that, but He already knows the thoughts, feelings, and frustrations are there so hiding them in silence seems ridiculous. I'd rather have them expressed and out, then trapped in me whirling around and causing me to focus on one of my "favorite" past-times: overthinking. 

When I woke up this morning, one of my first thoughts was, "what verse will I post today?" (I have a Facebook page that I daily post sections of Scripture from a book of the Bible, and sometimes I post verses on a theme. Right now 30 of my favorite verses.) The very next thought was one that makes me sing, literally Keith Green's voice goes through my mind. It is Psalm 51:10 "create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit in me." My heart is angry and it needs to be cleaned and set right, so it seems timely.

Notice David asked God to do the deep stuff. I can't create a clean heart. I am incapable of such a thing, only God can do that. I cannot renew a right spirit in me. Once again, incapable. Only God can do these things. What can I do? Let Him. Look at the rest of the verses around this one in which David repeatedly asks God to do things he was incapable of: purge, clean, wash, hid, blot, restore, uphold. It would seem we can do these. I'm currently working on purge my stuff, but can I purge my inward most parts? No, only God can do that work. I have to be willing to allow Him to. 

Interestingly, after David asks for all this really deep work to be done, then he states something that he can do. "Then will I teach transgressors your ways, and sinners shall be converted to you." Psalm 51:13. It makes me think of when Jesus said "And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3 I have to let God remove from me the hurt, anger, envy, deceit, willfulness, oh, I could go on and on, before I can expect to help anyone else. 

There's this song about scars by I Am They, called, wait for it, Scars, that I think helps me understand this idea even more deeply. The chorus goes "So I'm thankful for the scars - 'cause without them I wouldn't know your heart - and I know they'll always tell me of who you are - so forever I am thankful for the scars." Scars mean wounds but they also mean healing. Some of those wounds come at the hands of others and some are self-inflected. Both need to be healed. David was wounded, just like all of us, and he was asking God to do the work in his life to heal him. Are the scars still visible? Yes, most are, but because they are we know who God is and we can then minister to those who need to know Him and turn to Him. 

I started this post still pretty angry at God. I knew I had to write it because I knew I needed to hear it. I knew it would soften my angry heart and remind me that although I hate the pain, I also long for the healing. I need to continue to let go and let God do the deep stuff in me. I want the wounds healed, so the scars can be used to remind of God's heart for me and for others. 

Slow Healer

My Mom was telling me about her surgery and that the doctor told her she couldn't swim until the incision healed completely. She replied with, "I'm a slow healer."

I get that. Physically I am a slow healer as well, but more so internally. Once I have been hurt by someone, whether intentionally or unintentionally, I slowly heal from the pain, but even more slowly do I heal enough to let them back in. I'm certainly not saying that is a good thing. Some hurts take a short time to heal. They weren't all that bad, probably unintentional, and therefor easier to heal quickly. Others take years to heal. They are deep wounds. They may have been unintentionally but their impact was significant enough to cause extensive damage.

Then there are the intentional wounds. The ones that someone did out of anger, malice, cowardliness, or just plain selfishness. Naturally a wound like that, done purposely, makes me want nothing to do with the person. Some of these relationships ended because there was no really relationship to begin with. Some continued for awhile until I realized that they weren't ever going to be good. I was going to keep taking less than best, sometimes taking worst, and the other person was going to keep on dishing it out. Some relationships are so entwined, that they are still present, but at a very strained level. A family relationship would be an example. I know some people do cut family ties completely, but I'm not sure I could do that.

What does being a slow healer mean? For me, it means slowly trusting again. It means not opening up to that person for awhile, if ever. It means being a fast learner. Don't do A again because it results in B from this person. It means not taking risks. It means not trusting. It means not opening up, but rather closing off. It means strained relationships. It means not living a life of freedom.

Slow healing from an incision means not being able to swim until it heals. Not being able to do something that you enjoy, a normal activity of life. Because of slow internal healing I miss out on everyday activities that I should be enjoying. I lose out on being free in relationships. I keep things, like yucky feelings, inside instead of releasing them and getting rid of them.

Like I said, this is not a good thing. Being a slow healer means something doesn't function correctly. The healing process is being slowed by something. I believe I know, at least in part, what has slowed my healing. I am sure that my Mom wishes that she was a fast healer, at least a normal healer, so she could go back to enjoying her pool. She might not be able to become a fast physical healer. I can however become a normal internal healer. Number one, I need to allow God to heal what made me a slow healer. Number two, I need to be intentional. I need to intentionally focus on not exercising in slow healer behaviors. Both of these can only be accomplished through the work of God.

That is what I want. That is what I have been working on. Or maybe I should rephrase that as that is what I am allowing God to work on. Hopefully this deep spiritual, emotional healing will be quick so that the next time hurt comes I can function as a normal healer.

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