Letting People In

Today I went walking after school on the track. I meet other teachers out there almost every afternoon. Today I was determined to walk 2 miles (I ended up walking around 3, I lost count.) The first mile there were three of us and then one person had to go. That left me and one teacher to keep walking. We walked and talked, which is why I lost count. It was nice because I haven't had any one-on-one time with her before.

We talked about family, places that I've lived, and being a Christian. It was nice. I enjoyed getting to know her and I actually enjoyed telling her about me. I am not the open-up-and-talk-about-myself type of person. Yea, even writing this blog and opening up more doesn't mean that I enjoy it.

I like the fact that God puts people into your life to do those things you don't really enjoy, or at least didn't think that you would enjoy. I am starting to like this take-me-out-of-my-comfort-zone thing. Not that I like it all the time mind you, but I feel freer and have more joy since I have started doing it more.

I think I might even come to like letting more people in.

Trying to Figure Out How to Deal With the Feelings

Lately I've been feeling, I don't know what word fits best, but not right works. I try really hard to balance my feelings. There was a time when I would stuff all my feelings down and ignore them. That by the way is not healthy. So a few years ago I decided to let God heal me and help me feel again.

The healing process can be a painful one. Stuffed feelings tend to grow infections all over your heart, and my heart was green with gangrene. God had to gently remove the yuck, but even though He was gentle it hurt. It hurt a lot! I spent so much time crying, most of the time I didn't even know what I was crying about. Even though it was one of the worst times in my life it was also the best. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. I know that God was working so even though it hurt I knew it was making me better.

Since then I have done my best not to stuff my feelings, sometimes that is really hard. I do not enjoy feeling the bad feelings, and I want to stuff them so badly. Lately, I have been feeling those bad feelings: lonely, sad, angry, and hopeless. I have wanted to stuff those feelings away, and sometimes I do. That hasn't helped, because I have continued to feel the yuck feelings, and the effects of stuffing.

My problem now is having the emotions and figuring out how to deal with them. Do I just wear them on my sleeve? Do I put them away when I need to do my job and let them out when I'm not at work? Do I just go through my life, feeling them, and not letting them overwhelm me? That would probably be the right answer, but as a former stuffer I still don't know how to do that.

I want the yuck feelings gone. I want my prayers to work and for me not to be sad, to not miss people, to not be overwhelmed by my job, etc. I figure I have feel these feelings for some reason. I just wish that I didn't. I wish that the people I miss weren't gone to be missed. I wish my job wasn't so stressful so I didn't get overwhelmed. I wish I wasn't feeling sad and lonely.

Why this post? I've said it before that posting is like my therapy so maybe that's why I posting. Maybe somehow it is helping me deal with those emotions and feelings that I don't know how to deal with.

Suitcase Opening

Ever have one of those stop in your tracks moment? I had one today. My class is doing a book study of the book The Tiger Rising. The main character is a 6th grade boy who stuffs all his feelings in a "suitcase" after his mother's death and his father and him move to a new place, living in a motel. He starts to develop a friendship with a new, strange girl at school.

Today I asked the kids to answer this question. "Why did Rob feel hope, need, and fear when he thought of a friend"? They spent some time thinking about the question and then wrote down evidence from the book to back up their thinking. Then they shared with each other before I asked if anyone wanted to share with the class.

One of them mentioned that Rob was scared of having a friend because he had stuffed all his feelings in his suitcase and he didn't want to let them out. Another student said something similar and the conversation continued along those lines.

Then I said the words that stopped me in my tracks. I said, "Rob believes that if he can stuff those feelings away he won't be sad. What he doesn't realize is that but stuffing those feelings inside he is actually more sad than if he let them out." Yup! I actually had to pause half way through that and realize that I needed to take those words to heart.

I used to be a suitcase, feeling stuffer as well. I believed, like Rob, that if I just stuffed those feelings down and didn't let anyone in then I wouldn't be sad. Maybe that is why I like this book so much. Maybe it's because I see so much of me in Rob.

Thankfully, God did a work, a long painful work, that helped me to open up that suitcase. I started to feel and it hurt so much! I had to let god deal with all those hurts and painful feelings. I cried every day for a year, but it was so good. I knew it was a healing process. I started to let others in and even though I had relationships that led to me being hurt I also had relationships that brought me happiness and ones that still bring me happiness.

This past week I have a had a hard time. Ever feel like everything comes crashing down at once? That kind of week. I found myself getting sadder and sadder. I found it hard to pray. Hard to read my Bible. Hard to even smile. All I wanted to do was cry ad I don't like to do that either, part of that suitcase stuffing thing.

Then today I did something hard for me. In a message I asked a friend to pray for me. Then she asked if I wanted to talk about it. I didn't, but I had to. I knew I had to. I told her part, a big part, of what I needed prayer for. Do you know what happened? I felt a weight lifted off of me. I felt like I had opened up that suitcase and let out what I was stuffing.

I am so thankful to the love and care of good friends. I am so thankful for a family that loves me and prays for me. I am so thankful I have a Father who loves me, prunes me, and rejoices over me with singing!