Waited Two Days!

Most people know the shortest verse in the Bible. "Jesus wept." John 11:35. Many of those people know it's in reference to the death and resurrection of Lazarus. They know, and some giggle, when Martha, Lazarus' sister, tells Jesus that his four day old corpse stinks. They know that Jesus arrived too late to heal Lazarus before he died. Wait, what? Jesus arrived too late! Or did He?

There are these incredible nuggets of Truth found in the beginning of the chapter. I'll let it speak for itself.

"Now a certain man was sick, Lazarus of Bethany, the town of Mary and her sister Martha. It was that Mary who anointed the Lord with fragrant oil and wiped His feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick. Therefore the sisters sent to Him, saying, "Lord, behold, he whom You love is sick."

When Jesus heard that, He said, "This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it."

Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when He heard that he was sick, He stayed two more days in the place where He was.  Then after this He said to the disciples, "Let us go to Judea again." John 4:1-7

Okay, you shouldn't have missed it, especially since I bolded it, but go back and look at each word carefully. It starts with "so" which means you need to look at the sentence before it. Jesus loved them, so when he heard Lazarus was sick he waited. HE WAITED! Aren't you thinking He should have hurried up and headed for Bethany when He heard the news? Especially since He loved them! He could have gotten there in time! In time for what? To do another miracle of healing the sick.

Now, I'm not making light of His healings. They were miracles, and they brought many people to believe in Him. But at this point, near the end of His time on Earth, a simple (for Jesus) healing wasn't going to cut it. Lazarus needed to die. He needed to be dead, and buried, and stinking. Jesus needed to stay away until then, because He loved them. Most of the other people He healed He didn't know. Well, He knew them because He's God, but He didn't have an earthly relationship with them, but He did with Lazarus and his sisters. His healing of the others brought Him believers, and skeptics, and He could heal them and go on with His day. Why was this time different?

In verse 4, He basically is saying this sickness isn't about death, but about glory for God. Everyone, except for Jesus, is focused on the sickness and the resulting death from the sickness. Jesus knows what will happen after the death and that is where His focus is. He knows that Lazarus will come out of the tomb and many more will come to believe in Him, and some will go an tell the religious leaders what He has done. He knows that will further motivate them to seek to put Him to death, which will ultimately lead to His death and resurrection. This story isn't just about Lazarus and his sisters after all!

The story doesn't stop there. It continues today. He still waits, sometimes two days, sometimes two months, sometimes two years, and sometimes much loner than that. He knows all about the sickness, trauma, struggles, finances, and dangers in our lives. He loves us, just like He loved Lazarus, Martha, and Mary, so He waits. He waits until what seems like death, and sometimes until it really stinks, and then He comes. Why? Because, He sees beyond what we see. He sees how this awfulness of our lives will bring about His glory and bring others into relationship with Him. He could come and stop the sickness, heal our hurt, or give us that clear direction we seek, but He loves us enough to wait. He waits until the right moment. He could have left for Bethany as soon as He heard, because Lazarus would have been dead two days instead of four by the time He could there, but He waited. Maybe Lazarus was stinky enough yet from only two days in the tomb. Jesus needed him to be good and smelly, so He waited. He waits as much time as needed in our lives too. He waits until others, and even ourselves, can't possibly see anyway out except death of some kind, death of an opportunity, a dream or a relationship.

The rest of the story is that Jesus does raise Lazarus from the dead. He does gain others who believe in Him. The rest of your story? My story? He does wait because He loves us. He comes exactly on time, when He will be most glorified. Does that mean the wait isn't as agonizing as it was was Lazarus, who most have suffered before he died? Or for his sisters as the watched their brother die, prepared him for burial, and watched him be buried? Does that mean that it won't be for each of us as well? Unfortunately, no. It will be, but we can trust in the Truth that He loves us. And that is why He waits.

2013 and 2014 Blended Together in Tears

I know that some people were partying when the clock struck midnight and 2013 faded away into 2014. I know some people were asleep. I know some were awake but not partying, maybe they were working or worrying about loved ones who were out partying.

I was laying in my bed sobbing. Yes, I ended 2013 in tears and entered 2014 the same way.

It wasn't New Year's that was making me sad. I like New Year's. I am usually asleep because I know when I wake up it'll be 2014, and it isn't necessary for me to stay up until midnight. I was sobbing because my heart was aching.

My heart had been aching for just over a day at that point, and until an hour ago my heart was still aching. Why? Honestly, that is not important for this post. Sorry, this is a between-me-and-God thing. But the process isn't just between Him and I.

It started with a late-night sobbing session that left me with a piercing headache and heart that ached horribly. I managed four hours of sleep and then was up with the furry babies who demanded food. The day however was spent in tears. I prayed. I read the Word. I poured out my hurt to God. I listened for His Voice. But mostly I cried. I finally managed to pull myself out of bed to shower and attend a get together with my family. But when I got home I climbed into my bed and journaled and prayed. My dog decided that she need to stay outside until after midnight barking at the people shooting off their fireworks, the obviously illegal ones based on how loud they were, so while she was outside I laid in bed and cried.

Yesterday, I downloaded three albums of  one of my favorite singers, Laura Story, onto my MP3 player, and listened to them and let the words speak healing to my heart. I also prayed and prayed and prayed. I continued to ask Him to help me with the grief. Every time satan whispered in my ear I told him where to go, in Jesus' Name, and once again prayed that God would take it.

My emotions over the last three days have included: anger, loneliness, heartache, and a fear that I would not shake the sadness and ache. I have read more verses in the Bible over the last few days than in any same three day span. I have read from a wonderful book, Breaking Free by Beth Moore. There are healing words in the book that helped. I listened to the songs on my MP3 player over and over again. I prayed and prayed and prayed. And I cried.

Today, I hoped that maybe I would be able to be beyond so much of the hurt. I tried to do some projects. I tried to read. I tried to sleep. No matter what I tried, the feelings of ache washed over me again and again. I even started to wish for my vacation to be over so I could go back to work, where I would be too busy to feel so much. I crawled into bed to listen to my songs, journal, and read. After I read Psalm 34, it happened. The veil fell and with it came the realization that it was over. The ache was gone. I was able to forgive and knew that I really meant it. I was able to thank Him for taking the ache. I was able to cry tears of relief and joy.

Why did it change in an instant like that? I am not completely sure. I only know that it was almost three full days, and He does amazing things after three days. I also know that He uses the pain and heartaches in our lives to work a good work in us and through us. I do not know what the ultimate glory will be from these three days, but I do know that He will be glorified.

King Theoden Experience

Please watch this video clip before reading this post. It will make much more sense after you've seen it. I can wait while you watch.:)

Okay, finished? Good.

A few days ago I was King Theoden. King Theoden was possessed by the spirit of a wizard named Saruman. While under his possession King Theoden sat back and grew old and blind to what was happening to his kingdom. His people were being massacred by the enemy; his nephew was driven from the land; and his own son had been killed, yet the king listened to the spirit controlling him. Once he was freed by Gandalf, the blindness disappeared and the dying old man returned to a healthy king. All of that was good, but King Theoden had to come to grip with what had happened in the meantime, the destruction that his actions or lack of actions caused. He had to grieve his only son and realize that his spiritual imprisonment caused it.

I was being controlled by a spirit as well. It was the spirit of jealousy. I was blinded to the truth in my relationships, I felt old and sick, and I had no idea that it was killing my relationship with two very precious friends. Unlike Theoden, a good wizard didn't come and drive the spirit out of me by force. By the Holy Spirit did break through all the noise of that spirit and reveal it to me. Then He told me to take authority over it. I could have been like Gandalf and tried to do it in my own strength. I know that I do not have the power to drive out spirits, except in the Name of Jesus. It is sort of like the part of the scene when Gandalf reveals that he is a white wizard, which is the most powerful one. I went from just plain old my strength to His by commanding the spirit to leave in the Name of Jesus. The spirit didn't like it and tried to hang on, but it couldn't when the Name of Jesus was spoken. It had to flea.

Once the spirit of jealousy was gone I had my eyes open to what had been happening. What I saw broke my heart. I saw the truth and it grieved me. I had to make apologizes and I had to hear the hurt that I caused one friend in particular. It hurt, but I needed to hear and know the truth. I thank God that unlike Theoden's son, my friendships are not dead. I had to grieve the pain caused and the damage done to the friendships, but God can and is restoring our relationships.

This was not an easy post to write. I felt I needed to write about this, but I wanted to do it in a way that honored my friends. I didn't want it to cause anymore pain. It was also unpleasant because admitting something like this is not comfortable. But the Lord gave me a verse a little while ago, and I have blogged about it before. Isaiah 61:3 "To anoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified." The last part is the key for me and in this situation, "that He might be glorified". I knew I had to share this with you, because I believe that God will be glorified from this.

I do ask for your prayers. It is hard to not remember past hurts that I caused, but I need to learn from it and move forward. That is hard, because satan wants me to focus on it and be destroyed by that. It is also hard because I am a processor and I am replaying the scenes over and over in my mind. But God wants me to grow in Him and to let Him heal the pain caused. He wants me to focus on Him and the relationships that He is restoring. He wants me to learn from the past and focus on the now and making sure that I am walking in Him.

Thank you for reading this post. I hope that in some way it was able to speak Truth to you. I hope that you will pray for me and my friends. I believe that God will be glorified! Amen!

Isaiah 61:3

Last night I was lying in my bed and crying out to God. I was asking Him why. Why I have to go through the emotional struggles? Why I had to experience the rejections in my life? Why I have had to struggle with my weight? Why I had to loss my voice and not be the talkative person I used to be? Why? Why? Why?

My last question was a how. How can my life glorify you? How?

I feel asleep when the tears were spent and with a sense of calm. I thought it was odd that I felt so calm considering my heart wrenching experience. My sleep was also calm, no dreams, no waking up in the middle of the night.

I did wake up very early though, around 3:30, and my first though was "spirit of heaviness". I think God was telling me that I had a spirit of heaviness. It fit. As I was becoming more alert I started to think of the verse that the phrase comes from. Piece of the verse came to mind but I couldn't put the whole thing together. When I finally climbed out of bed, the kittens will only wait so long to be fed, I got online to find the verse. It immediately popped up when I searched for it. Isaiah 61:3.

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.

Did you see it? I knew so much of this verse from memory, but I didn't not remember the last part. "that He might be glorified". I still can't look at my life, my struggles and see how He can glorified, but this verse says that He is glorified when He transforms. I understand the ashes, mourning, and heaviness part, and I know that He is transforming my life. Even though I can't understand how He is going to be glorified I know He will be. I am looking forward to the beauty, oil of joy, and garment of praise, and I am looking forward to seeing Him glorified.