In His Hands

Yesterday morning I was sitting at my vanity getting ready for work and listening to a group of women discussing trusting God on a YouTube video. Trusting God is not an easy one for me, and I'm sure that I'm not the only one who struggles with trusting Him. But as these women spoke one of them said something that struck me. I stopped putting on my makeup and prayed for someone in line with what she had said. I'd share what she said, but I honestly don't remember what it was. 

As I prayed I was given the most amazing visual by God. I saw this person in God's hands. As I continued to pray and talked with God about keeping this person even as the choices may or may not be for his good. I asked God to keep him even as he tried to do things his way. This is when the image of God's hands became truly amazing. I saw this person running towards the edge of God's hands and instead of falling off His hands grow. They didn't shift, like I would have expect them to, they actually grew. The person in His hands ran along the edge but the hands just got bigger and bigger. I realized that He was safe in God's hands.

I understood that God keeps us not by cupping us between His hands, like a caught creature in some small boy's hands. If that was how He held us we would panic and want out. We wouldn't see Him as Savior but rather Captor. And once He'd open them, just a little bit to peek at us, we would make a run for it. God doesn't hold us like that. His hands are cupped wide open like a bowl. He lets us ran around in the freedom of His hands. When we need cradling His hands shrink to hold us close. When we need the freedom to explore choices, maybe even bad ones, His hands grow large enough for us to explore but still be safe and secure. Being held in God's hands doesn't mean stifled and caught, it means freedom, love, security. It means knowing that even if I try to run away from God His hands are large enough to keep me safe from my own bad choices. 

I know I can't do what God showed me justice but I hope I helped you see His hands differently. 

I Nearly Lost the Battle!

The last two days I had to take off of work. I probably should have taken the two or three before them as well, but hindsight you know! I just keep thinking, "if I can just make it to the weekend I'll be okay." Well, I didn't make it. Instead I lost it! That decided my need for a couple days off for me.

My mind and heart were having an epic size battle of distorted thoughts and crazed emotions. I felt like I was going crazy, and I needed to just take care of me. Over the last two days I have prayed, cried, journaled, and slept. That last one is a big one because I haven't done much of that lately! My emotions ranged from anger, to sadness, to hopelessness, to fear, to loneliness, and much more. My thoughts were traveling along the similar crazed path, jumping from one ridiculous, and even destructive, thought after another. I was battling and losing.

Today, I realized that I couldn't even look up, not even up at myself in the mirror. I was downcast and starting to realize that I was going to sink into a deep depression soon if I didn't do something drastic. So I did. I picked up a book full of Scripture and teaching about the mind - I think I mentioned it before. ;) I hadn't read from it in a few days and in a way I am glad. I am glad because today's reading was from the chapter "The Mind of Christ", and I so needed to read that today. I practically devoured the Scriptures mentioned in the chapter, and stopped and prayed many times along the way. It was like the collection of the Word in the chapter was feeding my spirit, my mind, and my heart, well actually it was.

I saw so much Truth spilling off the pages, and I knew were I had gone wrong. I realized that I was putting my faith, my hope, and my need to have the gaping holes of my heart filled in the wrong hands. I was expecting people to do what only God can do. I was expecting to gain life, freedom, wholeness, and joy from relationships and I was failing. I was failing because that is never how it was meant to be! Relationships are vital to our development as individuals and bring happiness and companionship to our lives. But people weren't made to heal us and restore us. Placing that sort of responsibility in their hands was simply unfair of me, unfair to them and unfair to me. God is the only one who can heal, restore, give hope, increase my faith, and fill the gaping holes with His love.

The realization of what I was doing and how wrong it was stopped me in my tracks. It was like doing a complete 180 and knowing that now I was seeing clearly because I was turned toward the Light. Earlier today I reached out for companionship. I vowed that if it didn't come I would not get upset. I wasn't sure that I could keep my promise, but when the "no" came I did. I stopped and focused on Him and did something I have never done before. I picked myself up off my bed and took myself to a movie. That might now seem like a very "spiritual" way to address the situation, but it truly was.

I realized as I drove home that even if no one chooses to walk this life with me God does. He is with me always, and I can, in Him, go out and do life on my own, if need be. I want friends, I need them, but I can't expect them to be for me what only He can be. I can't expect them to be for me what only I can be for me. I can't be it for them either. I am truly sorry for putting on others the burden of trying to fix me! The only one who can carry that is God, and even though I don't always like the way He does it, He does a very good job!

Will there be times that I put my faith and hope where it doesn't belong? Yes. Will there be times when I am lonely and sad? Yes. Times when I am angry? Yes. Will I fight more battles with my mind and emotions? Yes. I pray that with each time I will learn more quickly than the time before, what I am doing and turn to Him. I hope that I will be able to be quiet enough to hear His still small voice. I covet your prayers and support as I know that today is not the last day of even this battle. Tomorrow, satan will probably try again. He never gives up because he truly doesn't get it that he's lost. But he has, because Jesus won the victory over him and all of his plans and devises, and I have Jesus in me so I can rest in His victory!

And the Walls Come Tumbling Down, But What's Your Choice?

A couple of days ago I had a hard conversation with a friend. It was hard for me, because I had to be vulnerable. That is definitely NOT my strong suit. At one point during our conversation I felt a wall fall, literally fall. It was a very freeing feeling, and a feeling I look forward to having again. The process for a wall to fall is not always pleasant but the falling is so worth it.

Anyway, as I felt the wall fall I had to make a choice. At that moment, I thought of a story I heard as a child. A friend of my Mom's was telling a story of the time they got a dog from the pet store. Now this family lived on a farm so they had dogs, but this was their one experience with getting a dog from a pet store. Why only one? Well, because the dog walked and even ran around and around as if he was still in a cage. This poor thing had lived so long in a cage he didn't know how to run freely.

As that wall fell, I had a moment to make a decision. I could have stayed right behind that collapsed wall, or I could cross over the rumble and walk freely. It seems like that would be an obvious choice, but just like the dog, if you have lived for so long behind the wall it's hard to imagine another way to live. I made the choice to step over the rumble and reached out to my friend. I know it's only been a couple of days, but it is good. It is really good!

So when you experience a wall falling you have a choice to make too. Step over the fallen debris or stay there watching the world from behind it, which will you choose? I plan to choose to be steppin'!

Freedom in the Yoke

This has been a theme for me lately. Freedom. I, among so many others, struggle with being free. All of us have our own aspects of bondage that we need to be free of. And, at least to us, there seems to be a wide range of bondage. Some are bound by alcohol or drug addictions. Some are bound people that control and manipulate them. Some are bound by past trauma and tragedy. Some are bound by greed or lust. Some are bound by the need to be perfect. Some are bound by their children, trying to fulfill their every want. Some are bound by lack. Some are bound by having much.

It seems like some of these are worse bondage than others, but I wonder if satan likes us viewing it that way. If you are bound you are bound. Does it really matter if it is drugs or greed? Does it really matter if it is past tragedy or the need to be perfect? Some how I don't think so. I think bound is bound. Satan wants us comparing ourselves to others so he wants us comparing our bondage to others. He makes us think that we aren't as bad as others so we don't fight for freedom as if it was worse. He makes us think that we are so much worse off than others so we are too depressed to fight for freedom. Regardless of our bondage we need to experience the freedom of Christ.

I was listening to a message by Lisa Bevere called "Fight Like a Girl" and she was telling a story about her second son. Apparently, this boy was adventurous and would try anything. She said that he rode a bike without training wheels at two. One day he told her that he couldn't do something. She said that it surprised her to see fear in her fearless son. When she prayed about it God spoke to her. (I will try to get the quote right, but it might not be exact.) God responded with, "your children will either get my promises or your fear." She said at that she knew she had to gain freedom of fear for not only her but her children.

I don't have children, but I do have an impact on others. Do I want that impact on others to impress on them my bondage or Christ's freedom? I want to be acting in His freedom. Now the question is how to do I get it?

I think there are any number of verses I could focus to help answer this question, but the ones I'm going with are: "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, an learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Instead of focusing on our bondage, on our burden, we are to take on His. He doesn't ask us to cast off our own yokes. He doesn't ask us to fix ourselves first. He just asks us to come to Him and take on His yoke, which is easy. So how do we do that? I think we just come to Him and tell Him that we need Him. We need Him to guide us and that we want to take on His yoke, His direction, and we want to find rest in Him. Does that mean that we'll be free instantly, probably not, because following directions is a process. But I would rather go through His process, even though it is so hard at times, than continue on in bondage.