I Nearly Lost the Battle!

The last two days I had to take off of work. I probably should have taken the two or three before them as well, but hindsight you know! I just keep thinking, "if I can just make it to the weekend I'll be okay." Well, I didn't make it. Instead I lost it! That decided my need for a couple days off for me.

My mind and heart were having an epic size battle of distorted thoughts and crazed emotions. I felt like I was going crazy, and I needed to just take care of me. Over the last two days I have prayed, cried, journaled, and slept. That last one is a big one because I haven't done much of that lately! My emotions ranged from anger, to sadness, to hopelessness, to fear, to loneliness, and much more. My thoughts were traveling along the similar crazed path, jumping from one ridiculous, and even destructive, thought after another. I was battling and losing.

Today, I realized that I couldn't even look up, not even up at myself in the mirror. I was downcast and starting to realize that I was going to sink into a deep depression soon if I didn't do something drastic. So I did. I picked up a book full of Scripture and teaching about the mind - I think I mentioned it before. ;) I hadn't read from it in a few days and in a way I am glad. I am glad because today's reading was from the chapter "The Mind of Christ", and I so needed to read that today. I practically devoured the Scriptures mentioned in the chapter, and stopped and prayed many times along the way. It was like the collection of the Word in the chapter was feeding my spirit, my mind, and my heart, well actually it was.

I saw so much Truth spilling off the pages, and I knew were I had gone wrong. I realized that I was putting my faith, my hope, and my need to have the gaping holes of my heart filled in the wrong hands. I was expecting people to do what only God can do. I was expecting to gain life, freedom, wholeness, and joy from relationships and I was failing. I was failing because that is never how it was meant to be! Relationships are vital to our development as individuals and bring happiness and companionship to our lives. But people weren't made to heal us and restore us. Placing that sort of responsibility in their hands was simply unfair of me, unfair to them and unfair to me. God is the only one who can heal, restore, give hope, increase my faith, and fill the gaping holes with His love.

The realization of what I was doing and how wrong it was stopped me in my tracks. It was like doing a complete 180 and knowing that now I was seeing clearly because I was turned toward the Light. Earlier today I reached out for companionship. I vowed that if it didn't come I would not get upset. I wasn't sure that I could keep my promise, but when the "no" came I did. I stopped and focused on Him and did something I have never done before. I picked myself up off my bed and took myself to a movie. That might now seem like a very "spiritual" way to address the situation, but it truly was.

I realized as I drove home that even if no one chooses to walk this life with me God does. He is with me always, and I can, in Him, go out and do life on my own, if need be. I want friends, I need them, but I can't expect them to be for me what only He can be. I can't expect them to be for me what only I can be for me. I can't be it for them either. I am truly sorry for putting on others the burden of trying to fix me! The only one who can carry that is God, and even though I don't always like the way He does it, He does a very good job!

Will there be times that I put my faith and hope where it doesn't belong? Yes. Will there be times when I am lonely and sad? Yes. Times when I am angry? Yes. Will I fight more battles with my mind and emotions? Yes. I pray that with each time I will learn more quickly than the time before, what I am doing and turn to Him. I hope that I will be able to be quiet enough to hear His still small voice. I covet your prayers and support as I know that today is not the last day of even this battle. Tomorrow, satan will probably try again. He never gives up because he truly doesn't get it that he's lost. But he has, because Jesus won the victory over him and all of his plans and devises, and I have Jesus in me so I can rest in His victory!

Sometimes You Just Need To

I have been debating for about two weeks now whether or not to go to a baby shower tomorrow. The shower is for one of my favorite friends and I adored her. So why wouldn't I go to her baby shower? Simply because it would not be good for my emotional health.

Baby showers, weddings, engagement announcements, bridal showers, and the million of Facebook statuses and photos often send me into an emotional tailspin. I went to a shower for a co-worker several months ago and it took me awhile to recover. Then once she had the baby my whole team decided we need to go over and see him. Ugh! That wasn't an easy adventure. The baby was sweet and I was the first to hold him. I couldn't pass him off fast enough. Holding that baby set me back for a few days.

The last wedding I attended, coincidentally the same friend who is having the shower, I cried all the way home and then some more when I got there. Honestly, how I didn't get in an accident I do not know. There were a lot of windy back roads.

Was I happy for my friend? Overjoyed for her. She is an amazing person and God brought her the perfect husband for her. I was thrilled for her, and yet my heart broke all over the place. Was I happy for my co-worker and her newborn son? Of course! She is the sweetest, kindest person and I think she's great. Yet it hurt badly to hold that child. It was hard to comment about how sweet he was as my eyes burned and longed to cry.

This past Christmas I turned down a trip to Disney World, some place I enjoy. My brother and his family invited me along. I told them "no thank you". How do you tell someone that going on family vacations rips my heart in two?

I have decided. I am not going to go to the shower. I will give my friend a gift for her soon-to-arrive daughter, but I can't go. I have to make the decision based on the effect going would have on my heart, my emotions. I hope she will be understanding, even if she can't really understand the why of it.

Sometimes you just need to do what is best for you. For me, this is one of those times.

Words Hurt

Yesterday someone said something that was like a dagger to my heart. The comment wasn't meant to be, but it was. I was explaining a health issue when the comment was made. "It could be premenopause."

Just like that, the knife that never feels far from my heart, was twisted. Of course, it didn't get better. She proceeded to say "hey, it happens. You're getting up there you know." Yes, insensitive, is the word I was thinking of too.

The comment made my thinking, my negative thinking, go into overdrive. My thoughts go to the one thing that I have always wanted, for as long as I can remember, to be a mom. The desires and dreams rush through my thoughts and crash in a heap. Yes, I know how old I am. I don't need to be reminded that I'm "getting up there". I don't need to be reminded that the only real dream I have ever had is quickly becoming an empty dream.

This experience surpassed all the times that I've been told that all my students are like my children. Said, each and every time, by mothers. Yeah, that compares with giving birth, or adopting a child, and being their mom for their whole life. Yup, 10 months with a child is the same thing. No, it isn't the same thing at all, not even close.

Last week something else happened and it hurt my heart too. I realized that no one knew it. No one has any idea that it hurts me. Someone loses a loved one and people are sensitive to their loss. They understand that something, even something innocent, can bring up painful thoughts and memories for the person. People are sympathetic. However, when you have a heart pain that people can't see and don't understand, you don't get that sympathy. I realized then that my suffering may never be understood, except by the others who experience it too. I know I am not the only one. I understand that and in many ways I know that means I have suffer in silence. God is the only one who hears my heart and really knows my pain.

I try to just forget about, move on, let it go. Sometimes that just doesn't work. I was busy pinning on Pinterest and knew that I needed to write about it. I ignored it until I couldn't ignore it any longer. So, I just said, "okay God, I'll write." I don't know why He asks me to do this. I don't really enjoy putting stuff like this out there. I understand we all have hurts, and some of us have unfulfilled dreams, longings. I guess sometimes it is important to let others know that they're not alone. Maybe that's the point of this post. Maybe it is just a chance for me to let some of the hurt out. Maybe God is telling me to acknowledge my pain and not ignore it, I am very good at that.

Do I know that God will fulfill my heart's desire? No, I don't know that. I know that some people never get their desire fulfilled, even people who love God and live for Him. What I do know is that He is with me, even in the pain.

Dealing with Emotions is Something I Really Never Want to Do!

This morning I have gone from feeling angry to feeling sad to feeling rejected to feeling angry to feeling useless to feeling sad. And probably a few more emotions packed in there too, and it's only 11 AM!

Oh, and these range of wandering emotions don't even have to do with just one thing. I think if it did it would be easier. It would be easier to identify what was the trigger of all the emotions and leave that in God's hands. But my mind jumps from one thing to another and each jump brings with it its own set of emotions. What are some of these things?

I don't want to be a teacher anymore. I mean I really don't want to be a teacher anymore! This is not just a couple of rough years in a row. I just have no spark left for teaching. I used to love it. I was able to come up with ideas of ways to help my students. I loved the challenge. Now, I still can come up with things, but I definitely don't love the challenge. I feel closed in, like I've been shoved into a box with no way out. I look forward to each weekend as if it is a vacation, and I really don't want Mondays to come. I am tired of each year hearing about what "next year's class" is going to be like. It is never good news. Do I still care for the kids? Yes. I just don't want to do this anymore.

What else? That does seem like enough to be dealing with to me.

I am feeling like some friendships are growing and deepening. That is NOT a bad thing. I am enjoying this. However, other ones seemed to be going through a phase that I have had to endure a few times before. Have you ever had a relationship, or two, or more like this? You invest and invest into the other person and things seem to be going well, and then you have a need. You need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk something through with. Yet, the other person is too interested in themselves to even acknowledge your need. Unfortunately, I have been there a few times. I can think of a time when a friend and I made all kinds of plans to do together on my birthday. She came over and we started in on our plans and then she announces she is leaving early to go hang out with a group of married friends and their kids. She was married and wanted kids. I was shocked that she would just ditch me like that. That hurt!

Right now I feel God telling me to step out into a few new things and a friend who I expected would be supportive, hasn't been. It hasn't been that she has been discouraging, but rather she has been silent and indifferent. I know I do not need anyone else's approval to do something I feel God is telling me to do, but I can't say that it doesn't hurt to not get it.

Part of the anger that I have been feeling is in regards to people taking what they have for advantage and even treating it as if it is not sacred,which it is. I have to remember that sometimes I take things, even major things, for granted. I also have to remember not to judge other people based on my standards or even my beliefs. I have to remember that God has each of us at different stages in our lives and I can't judge someone because they are in a different one. That one is a hard one, the not judging part!

Well, there are more things, but I think I've bared enough of me for now. I have a lot of trouble doing that, but I knew that blogging would help me to release some of the frustration with the emotions that I have been feeling today, and over the last few days in particular. Last night I felt such a peace come over me when I was deep in the muck of one of these emotions. I know that peace was God. I also know He has called me to share my struggles with my mind, emotions, and steeping out into the changes He has for me. That means sharing here. I hope this relates to someone and helps.

Trying to Figure Out How to Deal With the Feelings

Lately I've been feeling, I don't know what word fits best, but not right works. I try really hard to balance my feelings. There was a time when I would stuff all my feelings down and ignore them. That by the way is not healthy. So a few years ago I decided to let God heal me and help me feel again.

The healing process can be a painful one. Stuffed feelings tend to grow infections all over your heart, and my heart was green with gangrene. God had to gently remove the yuck, but even though He was gentle it hurt. It hurt a lot! I spent so much time crying, most of the time I didn't even know what I was crying about. Even though it was one of the worst times in my life it was also the best. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. I know that God was working so even though it hurt I knew it was making me better.

Since then I have done my best not to stuff my feelings, sometimes that is really hard. I do not enjoy feeling the bad feelings, and I want to stuff them so badly. Lately, I have been feeling those bad feelings: lonely, sad, angry, and hopeless. I have wanted to stuff those feelings away, and sometimes I do. That hasn't helped, because I have continued to feel the yuck feelings, and the effects of stuffing.

My problem now is having the emotions and figuring out how to deal with them. Do I just wear them on my sleeve? Do I put them away when I need to do my job and let them out when I'm not at work? Do I just go through my life, feeling them, and not letting them overwhelm me? That would probably be the right answer, but as a former stuffer I still don't know how to do that.

I want the yuck feelings gone. I want my prayers to work and for me not to be sad, to not miss people, to not be overwhelmed by my job, etc. I figure I have feel these feelings for some reason. I just wish that I didn't. I wish that the people I miss weren't gone to be missed. I wish my job wasn't so stressful so I didn't get overwhelmed. I wish I wasn't feeling sad and lonely.

Why this post? I've said it before that posting is like my therapy so maybe that's why I posting. Maybe somehow it is helping me deal with those emotions and feelings that I don't know how to deal with.

Innocent Pictures Cause Tailspin of Thoughts

Just when you think you have moved past something, gotten over someone, dealt with a past hurt, something triggers and you are right back there. Know what I mean?

The other day my computer did something weird and for whatever reason it started showing a very old screen saver that I had. It is a series of pictures. I do not have my computer set to use that screen saver and haven't for years. So the computer starts doing weird things and all of a sudden this screen saver comes across my screen. Besides wondering why my laptop has decided to be demon possessed I am freaking out, yup freaking out, over the pictures rolling across my screen. Those pictures sent my heart into my throat!

Okay, so hit the enter button and all is right in laptop world, and has been ever since. My mind though is on a downward spiral. Feelings I had laid at Jesus' feet came rushing all at once. Memories flashed through my mind connected with the pictures. I was sort of in shock. I mean I had given Him all of this and had been at such peace about it all for so long I really thought I was "over it". I guess not.

Okay, needed to pray and get myself back in a peaceful place. That minor crisis averted. Then a few days later a picture shows up on Facebook. A innocent picture that in and of itself wasn't anything to cause an issue. It really is a very nice picture. (And no it wasn't one of those pictures that makes me hate Facebook.) But that picture sent me reeling. I actually was having trouble breathing! My mind went into another tailspin and my thoughts became consumed. That went on for a couple of days, literally my dreams became filled with these thoughts.

Then I decided that I can't let my thoughts rule me. I prayed that God would help me get my thoughts in the right place. Each day since I have to make that decision again. I need to leave it to God. It is an impossible situation and if it is to change it will take the hand of God.

Have I struggled with my thoughts since? Yes, yes I have. Do I need to give it to God over and over again? Yes! I can say that it has gotten easier each time that I place those thoughts where they belong. In His hands.

Hit By a Ton of Emotional Bricks

The last few days have hit me like a ton of bricks, and they hit hard! School stuff, emotions, and feelings I haven't felt for a long time all on a collision course for my heart and all struck at the same time.

I cried my way to work yesterday and couldn't have told anyone why because it was such a mix bag of things. Last night I woke up with night terror so bad that I sat on my bed with my heart pounding so hard in my chest that it made my head hurt. I woke up this morning sad and after feeding the furry babies cried myself back to sleep over something that I had given God such a long time ago and have gained such peace from Him. It wasn't the same, I didn't pick it back up, no it was different. It was like crying over a death from long ago that memories, good memories, stirred up remembrance.

As I got up I know I had a lot of cleaning to do. I opened Rhapsody on my computer and went to my cleaning standby, TobyMac. Who wouldn't be motivated to keep at even a ugh task as cleaning while listening to Toby? Well, today it aggravated me. I put down the dust rag and changed the music. I can't say it is better, still listening to it. It is good music, at least I think so, but the words are tearing me raw. The words feel like lies, but they aren't. The words whispering in my mind tell me they are but I know there not. I just need my heart to get where my brain already is.

I will keep cleaning when I'm done, but I knew I needed to sit down and write this. Not that I want to. I really don't like crying and admitting crying is even worse. I don't like sharing deep down me. I don't like hitting "publish" at the end of many of my posts, but I know that God has asked me to share my heart in this way. So I'll try to pour out what I can't even understand and put into words.

So the school stuff, last year I had a very stressful year. I had students who weren't behavior problems in the typical sense at least. I had OCD, ADHD, Autism, Emotional Disturbed, Learning Disabled, Anxiety Disorder, and many unnamed issues in my room. I felt like a punching bag each day. I felt pulled in a million needy directions. I had tears to deal with, some over hurt feelings and others over angry outbursts day in and day out. I honestly wanted to quit. I thought I would never teach another year. I thought I couldn't. The crazy thing was I loved these kids. They were needy and they needed me. The last day came and they all left after their promotion ceremony and I thought "next year will be so much easier!" I mean it had to be! Well, I got the class list and all dreams of a year without any such problems mocked me from the sheet of names. It isn't the kids themselves that are the issue. I guess the issue is I hoped that I finally was getting my due. I have had this type of class for years, I can't even count how far back. I guess I was hoping beyond hope that this year would be different. That this year the power that be would think I had suffered enough and needed a break. That didn't happen.

The emotions and feelings, well I already mentioned crying myself back to sleep this morning. The other day I put my pictures back up of the niece and nephews, one of Riley, and then I put up two of "my boy". I thought I could just hang them but the roll of emotions that went over me as I did made me stop and turn away. He isn't in my life, besides me reading the occasional Facebook post, and he isn't the boy that he was. Maybe I miss the memory of who he was most. Maybe I miss the hugs he readily gave or the smile that lit up his whole face. Maybe I miss a memory, a dream, maybe.

I also miss a feeling. A feeling that brought a smile to my face and a soaring to my heart. I miss a blossoming of something good, something I had never had before. Then it changed! Suddenly without any warning. Like running into a brick wall that wasn't there a second before. I tried to push against that wall and it just added another layer of brick. Finally the wall was so thick there was no point any longer. When it got there, or I finally realized how thick it had become, I totally turned it all over to God. He replaced it with a peace like I never expected and I felt light and free. So why the good memory stir today to push me to tears that rolled thickly down my face? I don't know!

Maybe it is what all struggle does. Struggle either draws you to Christ or it builds up a wall of its own inside of you. Right now I don't want to draw close to Christ. How's that for honesty for you? But I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I don't want it to build a wall in me. Maybe that's why I need to write this, need to post this. Maybe that will help me turn to Christ. I hope so.