Accepting What I Have Denied

There is a pain so deep in the core of my being that I have denied its cause my whole life. I don't deny that the pain is there. I have tried to deny how much it truly hurts, but I no longer can. I opened up my heart's ache to the touch of the Lord, so it is no longer possible to deny it.

What I have denied is the whys, the causes, of the pain. There are parts that I have accepted, but parts that I haven't. I have truly wanted somethings to not be true, to not have happened. I have tried to explain them away, excuse them. Last night, the veil was lifted, and I saw it for what it was. I allowed myself to remember what I didn't get that I needed to grow up healthier and more whole than I am. What I don't want to do is stay there. I don't want to stay in the past and let it continue to dictate how I feel about myself now, how I live now.

However, right now, I need to grieve it. I need to allow myself to feel the feelings that I have. I need to guard against bitterness and anger, but I need to allow myself to feel the normal feelings of loss. So I will take some time to feel and let the Lord heal what only He can heal. I know He can and will heal my broken places and help me become the me He is revealing.

I Nearly Lost the Battle!

The last two days I had to take off of work. I probably should have taken the two or three before them as well, but hindsight you know! I just keep thinking, "if I can just make it to the weekend I'll be okay." Well, I didn't make it. Instead I lost it! That decided my need for a couple days off for me.

My mind and heart were having an epic size battle of distorted thoughts and crazed emotions. I felt like I was going crazy, and I needed to just take care of me. Over the last two days I have prayed, cried, journaled, and slept. That last one is a big one because I haven't done much of that lately! My emotions ranged from anger, to sadness, to hopelessness, to fear, to loneliness, and much more. My thoughts were traveling along the similar crazed path, jumping from one ridiculous, and even destructive, thought after another. I was battling and losing.

Today, I realized that I couldn't even look up, not even up at myself in the mirror. I was downcast and starting to realize that I was going to sink into a deep depression soon if I didn't do something drastic. So I did. I picked up a book full of Scripture and teaching about the mind - I think I mentioned it before. ;) I hadn't read from it in a few days and in a way I am glad. I am glad because today's reading was from the chapter "The Mind of Christ", and I so needed to read that today. I practically devoured the Scriptures mentioned in the chapter, and stopped and prayed many times along the way. It was like the collection of the Word in the chapter was feeding my spirit, my mind, and my heart, well actually it was.

I saw so much Truth spilling off the pages, and I knew were I had gone wrong. I realized that I was putting my faith, my hope, and my need to have the gaping holes of my heart filled in the wrong hands. I was expecting people to do what only God can do. I was expecting to gain life, freedom, wholeness, and joy from relationships and I was failing. I was failing because that is never how it was meant to be! Relationships are vital to our development as individuals and bring happiness and companionship to our lives. But people weren't made to heal us and restore us. Placing that sort of responsibility in their hands was simply unfair of me, unfair to them and unfair to me. God is the only one who can heal, restore, give hope, increase my faith, and fill the gaping holes with His love.

The realization of what I was doing and how wrong it was stopped me in my tracks. It was like doing a complete 180 and knowing that now I was seeing clearly because I was turned toward the Light. Earlier today I reached out for companionship. I vowed that if it didn't come I would not get upset. I wasn't sure that I could keep my promise, but when the "no" came I did. I stopped and focused on Him and did something I have never done before. I picked myself up off my bed and took myself to a movie. That might now seem like a very "spiritual" way to address the situation, but it truly was.

I realized as I drove home that even if no one chooses to walk this life with me God does. He is with me always, and I can, in Him, go out and do life on my own, if need be. I want friends, I need them, but I can't expect them to be for me what only He can be. I can't expect them to be for me what only I can be for me. I can't be it for them either. I am truly sorry for putting on others the burden of trying to fix me! The only one who can carry that is God, and even though I don't always like the way He does it, He does a very good job!

Will there be times that I put my faith and hope where it doesn't belong? Yes. Will there be times when I am lonely and sad? Yes. Times when I am angry? Yes. Will I fight more battles with my mind and emotions? Yes. I pray that with each time I will learn more quickly than the time before, what I am doing and turn to Him. I hope that I will be able to be quiet enough to hear His still small voice. I covet your prayers and support as I know that today is not the last day of even this battle. Tomorrow, satan will probably try again. He never gives up because he truly doesn't get it that he's lost. But he has, because Jesus won the victory over him and all of his plans and devises, and I have Jesus in me so I can rest in His victory!

Infection Removal and the Emotions It Causes

The worst part about starting this blog is sometimes I feel the absolute need to post experiences that I don't understand and would rather not even be going through. This is one of those posts.

I am really good at building walls. I mean really good! I have stood on the podium and accepted my medal with the best of them. Living behind the wall has a feeling of a measure of comfort, a security. But it isn't really comfort or security, it's just a prison. There are certain walls I built almost thirty years ago and have worked hard over the years reinforcing and strengthening the bricks. Two months ago I asked God to help me tear down a wall. I cried out to Him with tears streaming down my face and told Him I didn't care which wall, but I just needed one to come down. Well, He answered.

The feeling of having that wall fall was exhilarating, the joy was immeasurable. I functioned on joyful adrenalin for about two weeks. I felt like I was flying. The line from a song (I am so bad with names of songs) was so true for me. "It's like my soul is flying while my feet are on the ground" That was how I felt until the heart surgery started.

Last Sunday, I felt Him start to do some work, and it hurts. I am no doctor, but I know that sometimes for healing to take place the infection needs to be dealt with, the dead tissue needs to be removed. That is the stage that I am in right now. All, I can say for certain is that it hurts, it hurts more than I believe I can handle. I feel raw! It feels like there is no anesthetics being used, although I am sure that God is shielding me from some of the pain that would kill me, emotionally, spiritually. Still the pain is so great I am not sure that I can endure this.

But I have to.

I have to because I so desperately want to be whole. I truly want to have healthy, loving relationships. I want to experience all the blessings that He has for me. I want to live an abundant life. Yet, I need to know how to endure through this stage.

Last night, I cried, no I bawled myself to sleep. This has been a normal occurrence over this past week. In the seven days between Sunday and Saturday, I only went tear-free one day. Oh how that one day was like a vacation from emotional Hell! But yesterday wasn't. Last night I just kept telling Him that I had no idea how to survive this. I begged Him to show me how to do this; how to deal with the feelings and not run back to that broken wall and put the pieces back together into some make-shift wall.

The emotions I am dealing with I haven't really experienced, at least not to this magnitude, since I was twelve or thirteen years-old. I feel jealousy, and I hate it. I come home after spending time with friends, or even just being at work, and I feel such loneliness that I feel like I'm drowning in it. I hate being alone, it hurts so much. I cry until my throat hurts and my eyes feel swollen shut.

I know some people are thinking of the answer. The religious ritual to perform. The words to speak to make it all go away. I don't want to sound rude, but you don't know what you are talking about!

When I was in middle school I had horrible ingrown toenails. They were so bad that the nails even grow out the side of my toe, yes the image you just got was disgusting! They were so painful and ugly. The infection was oozy and painful. I needed to have surgery, but the infection had to be dealt with beforehand. I needed to take medicine, soak my feet, and clean out the infection; I even had to stay in the hospital for a few days. The cleaning part hurt, but I needed it gone. Without the work to remove the infection I couldn't have the surgery, so it was needed.

I need to clean out the infection and dead tissue in my heart. I need to let the Great Physician do the necessary work to perform that. I do not want to go back behind the wall. Yes, the pain would lessen, but it would just be dull, not gone. I don't want to live a dull life. There is no quick fix. No infomercial, miracle product that can make this go away. As painful as the process is, I need to go through the healing. I need to be free.

To those who are near to me, both physically and in our hearts, please be patient with me as I travel this emotional roller-coaster. I hate the needy feelings that I am going through, but I need to let them be known, even when I don't understand them, even hate them. I want to be free and I want to have an abundant life filled with close, good relationships with you. Thank you for being with me through this, even though you don't understand and get frustrated. Thank you! I love you!

The Great Physician

Jesus is our Great Physician.

I have been thinking about that lately. I have been thinking about physicians and how they go about healing people. I came up with two ways that they deal with illness, injury, and disease. Let me just say that I know very little about the medical profession so I am certain that there is much that I will miss, but here goes me thoughts.

Surgery
The doctor sees us and tells us that surgery is necessary. Our need is so great that we need to have it dealt by the doctor cutting into us to repair, remove, or even put something in us. Surgery is evasive. It is painful. It leaves a scar. It involves a recovery time. It is necessary.

Sometimes God does surgery on us. Sometimes we need something dealt with, removed from our lives, put back together, or repaired. And He preforms the necessary surgery to bring it about. Sometimes it feels like a punch in the gut. It is evasive. It goes into areas in our lives that we guard or are too consider too painful to be touched. We have a scar to remember the surgery. We also have a recovery time that may seem long and probably includes some sort of "spiritual" physical therapy. And it is necessary.

Therapy
Sometimes the doctor tells us that is going to take time, but we will get better. We need to take medication. We need to follow a routine. We have to go in for visits to see how we are progressing. The medicine might be hard to swallow and even taste bad. The routine we have to follow takes so much time and it might even hurt. Ever have to go through physical therapy? If yes, then you know what I mean. Although it is painful and takes time it is necessary.

Sometimes that is the way God heals us. The healing takes a long time. At first it seems like the medicine isn't working. The therapy hurts and we don't see any change. Gradually we do get better. When spend more time seeking Him. We find that each time we have to deal with hurt we realize that it hurts a bit less and the recovery time is less. And it is necessary.

One of the best parts of God's healing is we don't have to make an appointment. He is always available. Unlike human doctors God knows for sure how long the healing time will take. He knows if the procedure and medicine will work. He knows when to do the surgery. He knows when to administer the medicine. He knows when we need to rest. He is the perfect physician.

I wish I never had to endure times of healing, but I would much rather He heal me then leave in the painful, mess. I'll have to remember that they next time He is doing some healing in me.

Sometimes I Just Need to Ask for Prayer

Honesty time! Today I hoped to get through the day without having an emotional lapse or worse a breakdown. I was not successful!

Facebook reminded me that three of my friends had birthdays today. I went to two of those and wished them a "happy birthday", but the third I needed to wait on. I wasn't sure that I could actually wish a happy birthday. I mean I wanted to, but I wasn't sure how I would handle it.

This evening I knew that I had to take the chance and wish "happy birthday". For one reason, I would never want him to think that I didn't care that it was his birthday. For another, I am an expert at avoiding things in order to not deal. I knew I couldn't just not deal. I knew I had to deal. So I did it.

I was then hit with emotions. Honestly, not as badly as I could imagine, but hard anyway. I struggled with it for a few minutes and then I did what I knew I had to. I reached out and asked for prayer. Then I cried.

Within minutes a bunch of people were praying for me, even though they had no idea why. As they prayed I felt God comfort my heart. I am still sad, but not to the point I was earlier. And certainly not as sad as I have been in the past.

God is healing me. Sometimes much slower than I wish, but He is healing me. Leaving it all in His hands is sometimes the hardest thing He asks me to do, but that is where He has asked me to put it. And that is where He wants me to leave it.

3 Day Rule

A few years ago I was going through a heartache and got some great advice from my mom. She told me to give myself 3 days to grieve. Let myself feel the loss, the hurt, the pain, but then rise up. After those 3 days rise up out of it like Jesus rose from the dead.

It was great advice. I gave myself 3 days to just cry and grieve, and believe me I grieved like I have never before. After those 3 days I found that I didn't even have to try to rise up out of it. I went into it knowing I had 3 days to grieve and I guess that was enough for me to just rise out of it. Now there were days when the pain came back, not all pain is just gone in 3 days, but when it did I gave it 3 more days. After the 3 days it was even easier to rise out of than it was the previous time.

I have used this advice whenever I get sad, hurt, or grieve. Like I said, sometimes it takes more than one 3 day period to deal with the sadness, but I always give myself 3 days at a time. There are even times when I don't need all 3 days.

Right now I am sad. I could put on the "brave face" and fake that everything is okay, but I don't want to be fake. So for the next couple of days I will allow myself to be sad, but in the end I will rise up!