Accepting What I Have Denied

There is a pain so deep in the core of my being that I have denied its cause my whole life. I don't deny that the pain is there. I have tried to deny how much it truly hurts, but I no longer can. I opened up my heart's ache to the touch of the Lord, so it is no longer possible to deny it.

What I have denied is the whys, the causes, of the pain. There are parts that I have accepted, but parts that I haven't. I have truly wanted somethings to not be true, to not have happened. I have tried to explain them away, excuse them. Last night, the veil was lifted, and I saw it for what it was. I allowed myself to remember what I didn't get that I needed to grow up healthier and more whole than I am. What I don't want to do is stay there. I don't want to stay in the past and let it continue to dictate how I feel about myself now, how I live now.

However, right now, I need to grieve it. I need to allow myself to feel the feelings that I have. I need to guard against bitterness and anger, but I need to allow myself to feel the normal feelings of loss. So I will take some time to feel and let the Lord heal what only He can heal. I know He can and will heal my broken places and help me become the me He is revealing.