Falling Silent

When I started this blog I really didn't think many people would read it. Now it's not read by millions or even thousands or hundreds, but it has been read by many. Some people in far away countries like Russia, Israel, and even China. I don't know if any of those people read more than one post, but I'm glad they read one. I hope it spoke to something in them. I hope it helped them in some way.

I've always felt misunderstood. I would be categorized as an introvert, and I've come to accept that. For years, I wished I was an extrovert. I wished people were drawn to me, like they were my extroverted friends. Because I am quieter, more reserved, I have been accused of being a snob, of thinking I'm better than other people. I remember once at the camp I worked at during the summers I was in college, a friend came to me and told me some girls asked her if I was a snob. Honestly, I was totally shocked. I thought so little of myself that I couldn't imagine anyone thinking I thought highly enough of myself to be a snob. To this day, I think people that I've meet once or twice before don't even remember me. I'm still taken aback when someone actually does know me. I have allowed God to heal areas in my life, and I don't think so little of myself anymore, but I still wonder if people see me, the real me.

A few years ago, something happened that brought about so much healing and freedom, but at the same time it brought a different kind of pain. I found my heart feeling free, but my voice seemed to be fading. I started blogging less. I stopped sharing as much. I felt God tell me that I was to separate and be quiet for a time. Since I was just learning to open up to people and use my voice, it seemed like a strange time to pull back, to shut up. I had been letting others see and hear the real me, and then it stopped. I still feel the strain of it in some of my relationships. I still don't understand it. I have feared that I would fall silent again. I fear it even as I type now. I just don't seem to have anything to share. I fear that people will think I don't care about them. I fear that they'll think I'm being a snob.

I've always had a non-traditional relationship with God. I've never been interested in religion and ritual, but rather I've always wanted to just be in Him. I have known the judgement of others for not being religious enough. They wanted me to follow the program, and God told me not to. Even trying to explain that to someone resulted in being publicly maligned. I've been told I spend too much time alone with God. That I need to spend more time with people. Interestingly, not long after that God told me to separate myself. I was judged for that. I guess I still am. I do wish to have a Church group. A group of people who want to know God for who He is not what He has been made into. A group that wants to spend time together and with Him. A Church that ministers to each other the way they did in the New Testament Church.

Maybe this separation and quiet time are preparing me to be in such a true for of the Church. I hope so. I hope it leads me to speak again. This former, practically recluse, wants to speak even if my voice shakes!

Surprise!

A few months ago I was angry at someone. I mean angry enough to avoid this person for a few days. This person had no idea I was angry and that is the way it had to be. What? That seems backwards. I'm not suppose to stuff my emotions, and I'm not suppose to let the sun go down on my anger, but I did. And like I said, I had to.

I was angry because God placed something on my heart, something really important. I shared it, and then this person jumped on it and ran with it, in a different direction. Get why I was angry? I prayed about it and asked advice and the answer was, "let it go, I've got this." Yup, that was what God was trying to tell me. He had it. He gave me the idea and His purposes will be fulfilled no matter who tries to pick them up and run with them in another direction.

So I let the anger go and I went in the other direction too. I knew God wanted me to. I knew He wanted to do some stuff in me, like trusting Him that He had it, and more. At first, it was hard, and I won't deny that. Over time though I found that the direction this person went in was helping me, and soon I forgot I was even mad about it.

Then, surprise!

The direction came to an end. I let God deal with some stuff in me, some relationships were deepened, and I was able to see this direction wasn't "bad" and served a purpose. Like I said, the direction ended. Then I heard the words coming from a different person's mouth, the same words that God had given to me a few months ago. I couldn't help smiling as I realized He did indeed have it.

Even so, it wasn't as readily received as I wanted it to be. I kind of held my breath as God reminded me that He had it and to be silent. So I was. Not a day later, the same words were coming out of a different person's mouth, and I felt God say "now." I said something, nothing profound or earth shattering. Nothing that made light bulbs go off over people's heads or anything, but just the right words. Then the person who ran in the other direction was agreeing with us. I almost did a Holy Ghost jig, for all my Pentecostal friends. I did smile and heard very clearly, "Didn't I tell you, I've got this?"

Surprise!