Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Infection Removal and the Emotions It Causes

The worst part about starting this blog is sometimes I feel the absolute need to post experiences that I don't understand and would rather not even be going through. This is one of those posts.

I am really good at building walls. I mean really good! I have stood on the podium and accepted my medal with the best of them. Living behind the wall has a feeling of a measure of comfort, a security. But it isn't really comfort or security, it's just a prison. There are certain walls I built almost thirty years ago and have worked hard over the years reinforcing and strengthening the bricks. Two months ago I asked God to help me tear down a wall. I cried out to Him with tears streaming down my face and told Him I didn't care which wall, but I just needed one to come down. Well, He answered.

The feeling of having that wall fall was exhilarating, the joy was immeasurable. I functioned on joyful adrenalin for about two weeks. I felt like I was flying. The line from a song (I am so bad with names of songs) was so true for me. "It's like my soul is flying while my feet are on the ground" That was how I felt until the heart surgery started.

Last Sunday, I felt Him start to do some work, and it hurts. I am no doctor, but I know that sometimes for healing to take place the infection needs to be dealt with, the dead tissue needs to be removed. That is the stage that I am in right now. All, I can say for certain is that it hurts, it hurts more than I believe I can handle. I feel raw! It feels like there is no anesthetics being used, although I am sure that God is shielding me from some of the pain that would kill me, emotionally, spiritually. Still the pain is so great I am not sure that I can endure this.

But I have to.

I have to because I so desperately want to be whole. I truly want to have healthy, loving relationships. I want to experience all the blessings that He has for me. I want to live an abundant life. Yet, I need to know how to endure through this stage.

Last night, I cried, no I bawled myself to sleep. This has been a normal occurrence over this past week. In the seven days between Sunday and Saturday, I only went tear-free one day. Oh how that one day was like a vacation from emotional Hell! But yesterday wasn't. Last night I just kept telling Him that I had no idea how to survive this. I begged Him to show me how to do this; how to deal with the feelings and not run back to that broken wall and put the pieces back together into some make-shift wall.

The emotions I am dealing with I haven't really experienced, at least not to this magnitude, since I was twelve or thirteen years-old. I feel jealousy, and I hate it. I come home after spending time with friends, or even just being at work, and I feel such loneliness that I feel like I'm drowning in it. I hate being alone, it hurts so much. I cry until my throat hurts and my eyes feel swollen shut.

I know some people are thinking of the answer. The religious ritual to perform. The words to speak to make it all go away. I don't want to sound rude, but you don't know what you are talking about!

When I was in middle school I had horrible ingrown toenails. They were so bad that the nails even grow out the side of my toe, yes the image you just got was disgusting! They were so painful and ugly. The infection was oozy and painful. I needed to have surgery, but the infection had to be dealt with beforehand. I needed to take medicine, soak my feet, and clean out the infection; I even had to stay in the hospital for a few days. The cleaning part hurt, but I needed it gone. Without the work to remove the infection I couldn't have the surgery, so it was needed.

I need to clean out the infection and dead tissue in my heart. I need to let the Great Physician do the necessary work to perform that. I do not want to go back behind the wall. Yes, the pain would lessen, but it would just be dull, not gone. I don't want to live a dull life. There is no quick fix. No infomercial, miracle product that can make this go away. As painful as the process is, I need to go through the healing. I need to be free.

To those who are near to me, both physically and in our hearts, please be patient with me as I travel this emotional roller-coaster. I hate the needy feelings that I am going through, but I need to let them be known, even when I don't understand them, even hate them. I want to be free and I want to have an abundant life filled with close, good relationships with you. Thank you for being with me through this, even though you don't understand and get frustrated. Thank you! I love you!

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Onion Peeling

Ever peel away the layers of an onion? I have, well I started to. Slowly I have removed layer upon seemingly endless layer of onion. As I got closer and closer to the center of  the onion I got frustrated and just pulled the layers apart. Sometimes I feel just like that onion.

God starts peeling away layers of my life. He slowly removes things from my life that don't need to be there. They might be fears, hurts, or even people that He peels away. There are times when I welcome the peeling, but most times I don't. Even though I know the removals are going to bring healing and freedom, I also know they are going to hurt. They are going to take me out of my distorted comfort zone. They are going to make me see things and admit to things in my life that I may have buried years ago or even just recently, but I wanted them to remain buried.

In the last few weeks I have felt some of these peelings happening. Part of me wants to rejoice, and part of me wants to go running through the streets screaming at the top of my lungs. I guess I figure the running and screaming thing will get me committed or something. No matter which way I want to react I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is God at work.

This morning I said a strange little prayer, "Lord please peel away a layer." I don't think I have ever asked for anything in a prayer like that before. I have asked Him to make me more like Him, which would result in peeling, but I have never asked for peeling. I want freedom in a certain area, a major area, of  my life. I want to move forward and I don't want to waste anymore time doing so. So I have asked a daring request and let the peeling begin.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Change Is Happening!

Life is full of change. And I am pretty sure this is one of those times for me.

Right before I started teaching my last year in New York God spoke to me. He told me "don't look past this year." So in faith I knew I was supposed to finish out the year and then quit my job, sell my place, and move. Move where? I will admit  a few times that year my faith was shaky to say the least. The school year ended and I no longer had a job. I had decided to move to Texas with my parents, but I still owned my place and my last paycheck was coming soon and then what. I had August left. After August I would be broke and stuck. In August a man came along and with only a day or two before the I was supposed to move my place sold. The moving van was packed and my brother and were set to drive to Texas.

God came through on the last moment. Can't say I didn't wish it had been sooner, but He was right on time.

My last year in Georgia I knew it was my last year even before school started. I knew I was going to move to North Carolina. I put my house on the market and it just wouldn't sell. A few came and looked, some even acted as if they would buy and then nothing. I got new job in North Carolina and I knew I was to go, but the house wasn't selling. My faith was shaky again. I left North Carolina but this time the house didn't sell at the last minute.

It never sold actually. It was foreclosed because in almost 2 years I had eaten away my savings paying for it and living in here. My faith was really shaky through that whole process, but the end it all was for the best. That is another story altogether.

Last school year I felt like God was doing some major work on me, preparing me. The school year was difficult and I kept thinking that I wasn't sure how much more I could take. I thought something was going to change. God told me on January 1st that this was the year. I, of course, had my ideas of what that should mean, what I wanted it to be. None of what I expected has happened and my faith has never felt so shaky as it has the last month.

Then yesterday I finally realized whatever change He has in mind has to be better than this. So I made a decision to embrace it. I have no idea what the change will bring, but I know embracing what He wants for me has brought me peace. And I am excited that someday I will be posting about all He is doing and showing me!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Struggles

A few days ago I made a decision. It wasn't a decision that changed anything on the outside, but it was a big decision for me. It was one of those decisions that resulted in peace and calm. I felt light and smiley afterwards.

The next day came and I was surprised at how easily I went through the day with the same sense of peace. It felt easy. I thanked God for His strength, because I knew it had to be His not mine.

The next day was the same and the day after that. And then the next day came and it was a day of significance and I had to cling to God to help me remain strong in the decision and not let the significance of the day affect that. With God, I made it through. It ended with more thankful praise for His strength and peace.

Today was a breeze in comparison, and then I saw it. A post on Facebook, an innocent enough one, but one that made my resolve crumble. I felt ready to cry and thought "Lord, I really, really need You right now!" I changed a setting on Facebook and the post disappeared from my wall. I sighed with relief, but still felt a tug on me.

So that tug drove me here to share. I am far from perfect and my strength is significantly weak. I struggle and need God's strength and direction each and every day. I don't have to go through any moment of my day alone. He is always ready and willing to show me the way. He's strength is more than enough for me. "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9.

After writing this and even before I click "publish"  I feel the peace of His and I can smile. I know there will still be testing and trying times as I stay committed to this decision, but He will continue to be my all and all.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Used Fabric

Today I opened the right box in the shed to find the peddle to my sewing machine. I was very excited and look forward to getting back to some quilting projects that I have ignored for far too long. First I needed to take apart a quilt that was no longer usable. I recently washed it and when I opened the washer it had come apart. I decided to dry it and see what, if anything, was still usable.

I decided to take it apart because so much of it was still in good condition and I could use in projects. The entire backing is very usable and I hope it is the right size for a quilt cover I finished long ago. As I was taking it apart I found that quite a bit was usable, but unfortunately not all of it.

This particular quilt was the very first bed-size quilt I have ever made. I made it back before the days when I had a sewing machine so the entire thing was made by hand, so it was easy to rip out the seams. As I was ripping them out I had to smile with the thought that went through my mind.

"God uses old fabric." As we grow we change. We outgrow things. Some things we had were handmade, hand sewn, and they are old, there are rips and tears, and then it falls apart. Now "machine sewn" things in our lives get worn out, fall apart just like "hand sewn" ones. But some of those "hand sewn" things tend to fall apart more easily.

God sometimes needs to take those old things in our lives apart. They may not be usable anymore or just not good enough. Maybe He wants to replace our "hand sewn" things with His "machine sewn". The "hand sewn" may have been good, but His is better. Even so, He doesn't always throw away every piece of the old. He leaves part, the usable good parts, in the new thing.

It makes me think of a move, something I have done a lot. When you move you go to a new house, everything about the house is different than the old one, yet, you bring along old things from your last house. Maybe it's furniture, maybe it's photos or other decorations, regardless you bring them. They become a part of your new house.

I think God does that with the old, but usable, fabric pieces of our lives. He takes away the ripped and torn and removes them from our lives, but He uses the good pieces to make beautiful new things in our lives.

 I am a bit sad to throw away those torn pieces, but I know they need to go. I am sad about the old things in my life that He is removing, but I know they need to go. And I look forward to seeing how God will use the good fabric in my life in the new that He is making.