This morning I have gone from feeling angry to feeling sad to feeling rejected to feeling angry to feeling useless to feeling sad. And probably a few more emotions packed in there too, and it's only 11 AM!
Oh, and these range of wandering emotions don't even have to do with just one thing. I think if it did it would be easier. It would be easier to identify what was the trigger of all the emotions and leave that in God's hands. But my mind jumps from one thing to another and each jump brings with it its own set of emotions. What are some of these things?
I don't want to be a teacher anymore. I mean I really don't want to be a teacher anymore! This is not just a couple of rough years in a row. I just have no spark left for teaching. I used to love it. I was able to come up with ideas of ways to help my students. I loved the challenge. Now, I still can come up with things, but I definitely don't love the challenge. I feel closed in, like I've been shoved into a box with no way out. I look forward to each weekend as if it is a vacation, and I really don't want Mondays to come. I am tired of each year hearing about what "next year's class" is going to be like. It is never good news. Do I still care for the kids? Yes. I just don't want to do this anymore.
What else? That does seem like enough to be dealing with to me.
I am feeling like some friendships are growing and deepening. That is NOT a bad thing. I am enjoying this. However, other ones seemed to be going through a phase that I have had to endure a few times before. Have you ever had a relationship, or two, or more like this? You invest and invest into the other person and things seem to be going well, and then you have a need. You need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk something through with. Yet, the other person is too interested in themselves to even acknowledge your need. Unfortunately, I have been there a few times. I can think of a time when a friend and I made all kinds of plans to do together on my birthday. She came over and we started in on our plans and then she announces she is leaving early to go hang out with a group of married friends and their kids. She was married and wanted kids. I was shocked that she would just ditch me like that. That hurt!
Right now I feel God telling me to step out into a few new things and a friend who I expected would be supportive, hasn't been. It hasn't been that she has been discouraging, but rather she has been silent and indifferent. I know I do not need anyone else's approval to do something I feel God is telling me to do, but I can't say that it doesn't hurt to not get it.
Part of the anger that I have been feeling is in regards to people taking what they have for advantage and even treating it as if it is not sacred,which it is. I have to remember that sometimes I take things, even major things, for granted. I also have to remember not to judge other people based on my standards or even my beliefs. I have to remember that God has each of us at different stages in our lives and I can't judge someone because they are in a different one. That one is a hard one, the not judging part!
Well, there are more things, but I think I've bared enough of me for now. I have a lot of trouble doing that, but I knew that blogging would help me to release some of the frustration with the emotions that I have been feeling today, and over the last few days in particular. Last night I felt such a peace come over me when I was deep in the muck of one of these emotions. I know that peace was God. I also know He has called me to share my struggles with my mind, emotions, and steeping out into the changes He has for me. That means sharing here. I hope this relates to someone and helps.
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