Something To Say

I've been told I'm stand-offish, stuck up, and snobbish. I've been told I'm insightful, a good listener, and that I only speak when I have something important to say. I've been told I'm quiet. Too quiet!

For those who really know me, I've been told I ramble, as my Mom once said, I talk in run-on sentences. I run on and on and on. My report cards often said, "talks too much". That of course was back in the day when teachers were honest and didn't have to be sensitive.

So when did it change? When did I go from talking too much to not talking enough? Why did I go from chatterbox to shut up tight? Why didn't I find some happy medium? Why do I always think of something to say afterwards? Why wasn't I able to come up with the words to tell someone how I felt? Why did I let silence build walls between friends and some people I truly care for?

I don't know the answers, maybe I never will. But I have heard God speaking to me for the last couple of years and he's been saying that I have something to say, that He has something He wants spoken through me. So now the important work begins. I can't speak what He wants me to unless I listen to what He says. I need to delve deeper into God. I need to spend more time with Him. I need to be obedient, and not let the fear take control, and speak when He tells me to.

So, I guess I'm letting you know, don't be surprised if I start speaking more and soon. Because I have something to say!

Stirring

For about 2 weeks now I have gotten this stirring in my gut. Many time it is at school but the kids are gone, I'm busy getting ready for the next day and this stirring happened. I keep wondering "what is this?". Oh, I know Who it is, but what is it. I know the Holy Spirit is stirring, but I don't know what to do with it. I just get the stirring, no direction, just a stirring. I stop and ask Him what I am I suppose to do? Is there something I should say? Something I should do? Someone I should seek out? Should I just be quiet? So far no answer, just the stirring. Some days it is stronger than others. I just hope I listen and don't miss whatever He is stirring me for!

Courageous

cou·ra·geous/kəˈrājəs/

Adjective: Not deterred by danger or pain; brave.

 

For the past few mornings I have woken up with Casting Crowns' Courageous running through my head. Then my clock radio comes off and the program on 91.9, Family Life Today, has been talking about a book from a series called A Call to Courageous Manhood. Now I'm not a man, but I do find it interesting that that is what is on.

 

Which make me think about my favorite book of the Bible, Joshua. God tells Joshua, more than once, to be strong and courageous. I am sure that he needed to hear it. What I really love about Joshua is that he is courageous and he does go in and take the land. I wish I was like Joshua!

 

I wish that I could hear God telling me to be courageous and actually be! Oh, I believe He is telling me but I feel less than courageous. I looked up the meaning and thought, "no, that doesn't describe me." Right now I feel anything but courageous. I want to be! I want to laugh in the face of danger. I want to push through the pain and step into the Promised Land. I want to see the giants and know that I can fight them in Him. 

 

Honestly, I am wondering about what I am going through right now. I miss something I really didn't have, just wished I did. I miss people who meant a lot to me. I have hoped and prayed to move on, to move past it. Why is God telling me to be courageous? Why are all these thoughts and feelings stirring up? I really don't know, but I know He has a plan. I will continue to trust, and hope that I can be strong and courageous in Him.

What If I Was Honest?

Last night I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry away all the pain and longing that I was feeling. Well, eventually I did curl up and cry myself to sleep. I woke up and the pain isn't gone and the longing is still there, but sometimes the cry is just necessary. I have never been a big crier. I was always a "stuffer". I stuffed all the mean things people said or did down and put on a smile. I stuffed all the pain of relationship difficulties. I stuffed and stuffed and stuffed!

About 5 years ago God started to work on removing some of the stuff. It would have been nice for Him to just take all the stuff away and it didn't hurt, but that's not how He did it. He's been removing the stuff and helping me not to stuff it down. There are still times when I am really bad at it. Last night was one of those times.

I pulled myself together, dried my eyes, and grabbed my cake and went to Life Group. I was driving there and wondering about just driving right by and keep going. I turned into the development, drove on towards my destination. I went to the cal da sac and turned around and came back by the house and parked. All the while still wanted to drive away. I sat there for a minute or so, checked my eyes to make sure they weren't teary or red and climbed out of the car. I went in and the mask went on.

Then we had the study "What If We Were Honest?". It was about sharing sins and struggles and holding each other accountable. Did I say anything? Nope. I certainly didn't think the ache of my heart was what we were talking about. Well technically it wasn't. But what if I had been honest and shared my hurts? I had no desire to go into any details and share the hurts and aches, but part of me did. Part of me wanted to pour it all and have it be gone. The problem is I knew it wouldn't be gone so I didn't bother.

Well, the evening ended, I didn't get to take any leftover cake home because the cat and helped himself while we weren't looking. So I just grabbed my purse and headed to the car. Drove about 30 seconds and the tears just poured out. I drove home, climbed into bed and cried my eyes out. This morning I still hurt, I still ache, I still wanted to cry, but I also wondered "what would this morning be like IF I had be honest and shared last night?".

Harmless?

Today I was working in the yard. I planted some tulips and pulling some weeds. I pulled a weed and found it was thorny and a vine. I was glad for my gloves, even though a few thorns got me through them. Then I realized there were lots of them and many were intertwined with some of the plants. I had to get out clippers for the more mature ones that were thick and too hard to just pull out. As I continued to work I realized that they were every where. What should be a nice flowering shrub was almost completely over taken by this weed. I had to pull, tug, cut, and untwine this nasty weed.

Then I felt God speaking to me. He showed me that I am like the shrub. I let harmless little weeds get around my base and then let them grow up with my branches. Before I know it they are wrapping themselves around me. Then I notice the pain of their thorns digging into my branches and their leaves growing up and covering mine. I start to change and instead of looking like a pretty flowering shrub I become a mass of vines.

Then I need the Master Gardener to come and remove the vines. He pulls, tugs, cuts, and untwines. Oh, it hurts! I get my branches pulled out of their place. I see the clippers coming so close to me that I think I'm going to get cut. But then I start to realize that my branches don't hurt anymore. There are no thorns digging into me and no vine intertwined with me. I am free.

How did those thorny vines get wrapped around me in the first place? I let them! Yup, I let those seemingly harmless things into my life. I thought how can it hurt me, it's just a little thing. I can look back over my life and see some of those vines. Thankfully, God has removed them. But I need to ask Him to examine my heart and reveal the vines that are there now. Then I need to let him pull, tug, cut, and untwine those things from my life. Most importantly I need to ask Him to open my eyes to see them little "harmless" weeds for what they are and not allow them to become a part of me. Thankfully, He is the Master Gardener and is always ready to weed to keep His creation beautiful.

New Name?

Yesterday I was getting ready for bed, thinking about my book I've been reading and how I haven't blogged about what I've been reading in a long time. I have been reading, like crazy! My Bible, a study to be ready for my Life Group, some of my favorite fiction books, and now with school starting, books for school. I just haven't been blogging. I LOVE blogging so it's not that I don't want too. It's not even that I don't have time to, although that can be true at times. I think it's that God has been speaking to me so much, in so many different ways that I can't keep up! What a wonderful problem to have!

I also decided that maybe I should consider changing the blog from my thoughts from what I read to my thoughts on what God is showing and speaking to me. So I am thinking of a new name for the blog. Any suggestions?

I am looking forward to blogging again soon! Maybe later today! :)

Another Sign of Jonah

"If borderland has a king, his name is Jonah."

Jonah was sent to Nineveh to tell them of their impending doom. He did not want to go. His story mirrors something that I may believe deep down inside. I worry that God is going to send me some where I don't want to go. I worry that He is going to ask me to give up something I don't want to give up. I worry that He is going to ask of me what I dread.
Jonah had good reason not to want to go. The Assyrians were a brutal, evil people. He didn't want to go to them because of who they were, how evil they were.

I can understanding not wanting to go there. I certainly can understand not wanting to tell them that God was going to destroy them. I can imagine the torturous ways they could kill me. Maybe where God is sending me to won't kill me, but it could treat me badly, make my life miserable. Maybe what He asks me to give up will make my life more difficult. Maybe who He wants me to give up means too much to me.

What if He does? Why is He asking me to give up, to go? He does it to reveal my heart, what is really in my heart. Are there some who do not deserve the love and forgiveness of God? Are there things in my life that mean more to me then God does? What is your answer to those questions? Be honest! If you say, "no," you may find yourself being asked to do something you don't want to. God knows our hearts far better we do. I have to be honest I know there are things in my heart that need to be dealt with.

But Jonah didn't want to go because He also knew that God might be merciful and not destroy them. He thought God was too hard for making him go, and he thought He was soft on his enemies. And of course, Jonah is right. The people of Nineveh do repent and God does have mercy on them and spares them.

Here's the best part, I think, Jonah was disobedient. He ran from God and had to be swallowed and spit out before he went to Nineveh. He went with a bad attitude. He still wanted the people to be destroyed. I wonder if he gritted his teeth the whole time he prophesied to them. But God used his disobedience. That's the part!

Like I said before God is interested in our heart. "Obedience by itself can make our heart wither and bitter and barren as a husk," Mark Buchanan writes. "What is God mostly interested in? Strangely, anticlimactically, it has to do with concerns - with what our hearts fix on, with what stirs us in the depths and makes us rise to the heights. What are we concerned about? Is it what God is concernedabout? Both Jonah's disobedience and his obedience rise up from the same source: from what he is concerned about."

Jonah is concerned about himself. He wants to keep away from the too hard, too soft God. He wants to keep the status quo. He safe in Israel and the evil Ninevehites destined for destruction from God.

But God is not too soft nor too hard. He is too concerned. He is concerned about each of us. He is concerned about the sinner and the saint. The question is should He just not be so concerned? Should He just let my status quo stay as it is? My view of God and my relationship with Him depends on how I answer those questions.

(Disclaimer - I feel like I need to put it out there again that I write this blog based on what I read. Most of the ideas are not my own, but the authors'. I just summarize them and write my thoughts. Just a reminder for you and me.)