In 2000 I knew that I was going to be moving on from the school where I was working and from New York. I knew when the end of the school year, June 2001, came along I would be making a major change. Now, I would be lying if I didn't say that there were times of doubt, but for the most part I just believed He was going to take care of everything.
This time is different! I know that changes are coming, and I am trying to figure out what the change is going to be. I did not do that in 2000/2001. So, why am I virtually obsessing about it now?
Is it lack of faith? It's not that I don't know He is faithful, because I know He is. He has proven that over and over again. Is it because it is so much bigger than any chnage I have experienced before? I don't know. All I do know is it makes me anxious and I don't consider myself an anxious person.
Part of me wonders why I am even writing this blog, okay all of me, but I tried to ignore the urge to write it for awhile, but the urge just got worse. So, here I am typing away about my obsessive, anxious, whirling thoughts of how I know change is coming, and I am not trusting Him. I hope that means someone will benefit from it!
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Too Many Ideas To Think About
Last night, when I finally crawled into bed, my mind was jumping. I have stated before that I am in need of a change. Lately, I have been running with an idea that kind of excited me. Yesterday, I thought, "really? Is this really what I want to do?" Honestly, I don't think so anymore. Amazing what a couple of hours can do to my thoughts. I really think I was trying to figure out a way to do something new and still be doing something "safe".
Today, I endured a meeting and thought, "I really don't want to do this anymore!" After getting home I went on my walk, and I was thinking, "I could keep doing what I have been doing. It is "safe". I am used to it. I think I might even be good at it. But I really don't want too."
So, back to my jumping thoughts from last night. There are so many things that I have wanted to do. So many things that have actually dreamed of doing, some that I have been dreaming of doing for years. I was wondering if one of those things is what I am supposed to do, or is it possible that God wants me to do something I haven't even thought of. The easiest way to find out is to ask. So, I did.
I told God that I have so many ideas and I wanted them all to go away, except for the correct one. I don't want to think about "maybes" and "what ifs". I don't want to focus on anything that keeps my mind too busy to hear His voice. I only want to walk in the way that He leads me in. I don't want to try to figure it out, but I do want to do the right thing. I want to focus my thoughts on the right thoughts.
Last night I had an interesting dream and the interesting part was that a friend was working at God's Way Academy. We went to another school and the guy in charge was horrible. I kept thinking I wanted to get out of that school. I wanted her to take to me to God's Way Academy. I wanted to be there so badly. Soon the guy got so bad that we left and on the way out I told her to tell me about God's Way Academy. Then I woke up.
I smiled and thought, "that is where I want to be. I want to be right there, in God's Way."
Today, I endured a meeting and thought, "I really don't want to do this anymore!" After getting home I went on my walk, and I was thinking, "I could keep doing what I have been doing. It is "safe". I am used to it. I think I might even be good at it. But I really don't want too."
So, back to my jumping thoughts from last night. There are so many things that I have wanted to do. So many things that have actually dreamed of doing, some that I have been dreaming of doing for years. I was wondering if one of those things is what I am supposed to do, or is it possible that God wants me to do something I haven't even thought of. The easiest way to find out is to ask. So, I did.
I told God that I have so many ideas and I wanted them all to go away, except for the correct one. I don't want to think about "maybes" and "what ifs". I don't want to focus on anything that keeps my mind too busy to hear His voice. I only want to walk in the way that He leads me in. I don't want to try to figure it out, but I do want to do the right thing. I want to focus my thoughts on the right thoughts.
Last night I had an interesting dream and the interesting part was that a friend was working at God's Way Academy. We went to another school and the guy in charge was horrible. I kept thinking I wanted to get out of that school. I wanted her to take to me to God's Way Academy. I wanted to be there so badly. Soon the guy got so bad that we left and on the way out I told her to tell me about God's Way Academy. Then I woke up.
I smiled and thought, "that is where I want to be. I want to be right there, in God's Way."
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Sometimes I Just Need to Ask for Prayer
Honesty time! Today I hoped to get through the day without having an emotional lapse or worse a breakdown. I was not successful!
Facebook reminded me that three of my friends had birthdays today. I went to two of those and wished them a "happy birthday", but the third I needed to wait on. I wasn't sure that I could actually wish a happy birthday. I mean I wanted to, but I wasn't sure how I would handle it.
This evening I knew that I had to take the chance and wish "happy birthday". For one reason, I would never want him to think that I didn't care that it was his birthday. For another, I am an expert at avoiding things in order to not deal. I knew I couldn't just not deal. I knew I had to deal. So I did it.
I was then hit with emotions. Honestly, not as badly as I could imagine, but hard anyway. I struggled with it for a few minutes and then I did what I knew I had to. I reached out and asked for prayer. Then I cried.
Within minutes a bunch of people were praying for me, even though they had no idea why. As they prayed I felt God comfort my heart. I am still sad, but not to the point I was earlier. And certainly not as sad as I have been in the past.
God is healing me. Sometimes much slower than I wish, but He is healing me. Leaving it all in His hands is sometimes the hardest thing He asks me to do, but that is where He has asked me to put it. And that is where He wants me to leave it.
Facebook reminded me that three of my friends had birthdays today. I went to two of those and wished them a "happy birthday", but the third I needed to wait on. I wasn't sure that I could actually wish a happy birthday. I mean I wanted to, but I wasn't sure how I would handle it.
This evening I knew that I had to take the chance and wish "happy birthday". For one reason, I would never want him to think that I didn't care that it was his birthday. For another, I am an expert at avoiding things in order to not deal. I knew I couldn't just not deal. I knew I had to deal. So I did it.
I was then hit with emotions. Honestly, not as badly as I could imagine, but hard anyway. I struggled with it for a few minutes and then I did what I knew I had to. I reached out and asked for prayer. Then I cried.
Within minutes a bunch of people were praying for me, even though they had no idea why. As they prayed I felt God comfort my heart. I am still sad, but not to the point I was earlier. And certainly not as sad as I have been in the past.
God is healing me. Sometimes much slower than I wish, but He is healing me. Leaving it all in His hands is sometimes the hardest thing He asks me to do, but that is where He has asked me to put it. And that is where He wants me to leave it.
Monday, January 14, 2013
The Battle of Taking the Next Step
"It was at this point that Bilbo stopped. Going on from there was the bravest thing he ever did. The tremendous things that happened afterwards were as nothing compared to it. He fought the real battle in the tunnel alone, before he ever saw the vast danger that lay in wait." The Hobbit
Bilbo, the hobbit, is walking down the dark tunnel on the way to the dragon and he stops. Obviously, from what Tolkien wrote I know he goes on, but my favorite thing about these few sentences is that I can totally relate.
Nope, no dragon tunnel walking for me. I do however know what it is like to being walking toward something unknown, unseen, and maybe even unsettling. I do know that moment of stopping. That moment of knowing that the next step will take me beyond the point of returning. I do know the truth that that moment truly is where the real battle is fought.
You know what I mean? The battle of fighting the fear of taking the next step. The battle of fighting the desire to turn around and run back up the tunnel. The battle of "what ifs" and "hows". That battle between letting distrust rule my thoughts and knowing that trusting that step is the best choice to make.
I admire Bilbo because he does make that step. I mean no man, or hobbit, in his or her right mind thinks that facing a dragon will be a piece of cake. He knows there will be danger and he takes the step forward anyway. He wins the battle, the real battle, and I know that I can be like Bilbo and win that battle too.
(excerpt is from The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien)
Bilbo, the hobbit, is walking down the dark tunnel on the way to the dragon and he stops. Obviously, from what Tolkien wrote I know he goes on, but my favorite thing about these few sentences is that I can totally relate.
Nope, no dragon tunnel walking for me. I do however know what it is like to being walking toward something unknown, unseen, and maybe even unsettling. I do know that moment of stopping. That moment of knowing that the next step will take me beyond the point of returning. I do know the truth that that moment truly is where the real battle is fought.
You know what I mean? The battle of fighting the fear of taking the next step. The battle of fighting the desire to turn around and run back up the tunnel. The battle of "what ifs" and "hows". That battle between letting distrust rule my thoughts and knowing that trusting that step is the best choice to make.
I admire Bilbo because he does make that step. I mean no man, or hobbit, in his or her right mind thinks that facing a dragon will be a piece of cake. He knows there will be danger and he takes the step forward anyway. He wins the battle, the real battle, and I know that I can be like Bilbo and win that battle too.
(excerpt is from The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien)
Sunday, January 13, 2013
He Works Gently
About a year ago I gave up a major roadblock in my life. At that time I wrote a post about how God deals with things when I am ready and not before that. Well, a little over a year later He revealed more to me about this same roadblock.
No, it is not back. I did not pick it back up again and I have not dwelt on it since. But yesterday as I was waking up He spoke to me about it and I was surprised by it. See, this week I saw a photo of me from last spring. I was about 20 pounds heavier than I am now, and it was a horrible reality check. Yes, I have been working on working it off, but what He revealed wasn't about that.
He told me that the reason I have a weight issue is because of what happened all those years ago. He took me back and I saw that I started to deal with my weight afterwards and it has been a struggle ever since. He showed me that I used it as a self-protection strategy. He showed me that my history of ups and downs with weight was connected to when I was allowing the past to control.
He showed me that even though my weight is going down, way slower than I would like, I need to know the reason for the struggle. It isn't because I have no will power or like food too much. It isn't about how much I exercise or not. It is about letting the past control my present. I might have given up the roadblock, but I didn't even realize I still was dealing with the mental and emotional baggage still.
So,now I know. Will the weight loss still be a struggle at times? Yes! But will it be because of the emotional self-protection based on the past? I will be placing that in His hands, and I know He will gently continue to work on freeing me. Eventually my weight, whether there are ups and downs or not, will have nothing to do with it.
No, it is not back. I did not pick it back up again and I have not dwelt on it since. But yesterday as I was waking up He spoke to me about it and I was surprised by it. See, this week I saw a photo of me from last spring. I was about 20 pounds heavier than I am now, and it was a horrible reality check. Yes, I have been working on working it off, but what He revealed wasn't about that.
He told me that the reason I have a weight issue is because of what happened all those years ago. He took me back and I saw that I started to deal with my weight afterwards and it has been a struggle ever since. He showed me that I used it as a self-protection strategy. He showed me that my history of ups and downs with weight was connected to when I was allowing the past to control.
He showed me that even though my weight is going down, way slower than I would like, I need to know the reason for the struggle. It isn't because I have no will power or like food too much. It isn't about how much I exercise or not. It is about letting the past control my present. I might have given up the roadblock, but I didn't even realize I still was dealing with the mental and emotional baggage still.
So,now I know. Will the weight loss still be a struggle at times? Yes! But will it be because of the emotional self-protection based on the past? I will be placing that in His hands, and I know He will gently continue to work on freeing me. Eventually my weight, whether there are ups and downs or not, will have nothing to do with it.
Monday, January 7, 2013
The Path
Recently I went to see The Hobbit and I walked away really mad. Some how I was not aware that the movie wasn't going to be about the whole book. That was a rude awakening! So I needed to run to the store and pick up a copy of the book.
Well, earlier today when I was reading it I got to the part where the dwarfs and Bilboa leave the path in Mirkwood Forest. They are traveling through this scary, dark forest, well to get to the other side. They are warned, twice, not to leave the path. No matter what they were supposed to stay on the path.
In the story they are actually almost to the other side of this path and out of the forest, but they don't know how close they were. What they did know was they were tired, grumpy, hungry, and thirsty. They had run out of food and water. They were weary. Then they saw a light. Off the path. They fought over going toward the light. They reminded each other of the warning. No one wanted to be the one to go off the path. In the end they all decide to leave the path together. This is the point where you want to scream at them, "get back on the path! Now!"
This was also the point where I felt God speak to me. He reminded me that our walk is similar to theirs. We are walking on a path that we have never been on before. Sometimes that path is scary. Sometimes it is dark. Sometimes there are creatures along the way that are scary. Sometimes we get tired and grumpy. Then we see something off the path, something that looks better than where we are. We argue with ourselves and yet we still step off the path to follow what looked good.
The dwarfs and Bilboa followed the light and as soon as they see the fire and food, and then every thing goes dark. They are helplessly lost. They have a hard time finding each other and even when they do they are in absolute darkness and have no idea where the path is. I stopped there. I had to, but can't wait to find out what happens. I mean there's a lot of book left so I know they'll make it out of the forest at some point.
I also know that when I walk off the path, get lost and confused, I have the true Light to look to. He will lead me back to the path and help me move forward in the right direction. Even though I wish I would never leave the path, there is joy in knowing I'm not lost for good.
Well, earlier today when I was reading it I got to the part where the dwarfs and Bilboa leave the path in Mirkwood Forest. They are traveling through this scary, dark forest, well to get to the other side. They are warned, twice, not to leave the path. No matter what they were supposed to stay on the path.
In the story they are actually almost to the other side of this path and out of the forest, but they don't know how close they were. What they did know was they were tired, grumpy, hungry, and thirsty. They had run out of food and water. They were weary. Then they saw a light. Off the path. They fought over going toward the light. They reminded each other of the warning. No one wanted to be the one to go off the path. In the end they all decide to leave the path together. This is the point where you want to scream at them, "get back on the path! Now!"
This was also the point where I felt God speak to me. He reminded me that our walk is similar to theirs. We are walking on a path that we have never been on before. Sometimes that path is scary. Sometimes it is dark. Sometimes there are creatures along the way that are scary. Sometimes we get tired and grumpy. Then we see something off the path, something that looks better than where we are. We argue with ourselves and yet we still step off the path to follow what looked good.
The dwarfs and Bilboa followed the light and as soon as they see the fire and food, and then every thing goes dark. They are helplessly lost. They have a hard time finding each other and even when they do they are in absolute darkness and have no idea where the path is. I stopped there. I had to, but can't wait to find out what happens. I mean there's a lot of book left so I know they'll make it out of the forest at some point.
I also know that when I walk off the path, get lost and confused, I have the true Light to look to. He will lead me back to the path and help me move forward in the right direction. Even though I wish I would never leave the path, there is joy in knowing I'm not lost for good.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
2013
I have written before that on the new year I always ask God for a word or phrase for the year. This year the phrase is "Abide in Me". The Me obviously being Him. What I need to know is what does "Abide in Me" mean. I know what it means with my head, at least in part I do, but I need to know what it means in my heart and my spirit.
The first step to do this was to do a search of verses with the word "abide" in them. Here's the verse of the day. "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty." Psalm 91:1.
I went ahead and looked up some of these words to find out what they mean. I looked up "dwells", "shelter", and "abide" because even though I know what they mean I really want to understand the verse.
So according to www.thefreedictionary.com these are there means, or at least the ones that fit the part of speech and the verse.
Dwells - to live as a resident; reside. to exist in a given place or state
Shelter - a refuge; a haven
Abide - to remain in a place. to continue to be sure or firm; endure
So with these definitions the verse can be loosely translated as "Whoever takes up residence in the refuge of God will remain in the shadow of the Lord." That sounds good, and I was about to leave it at that.
I was about to leave the website because I know what "shadow" means. Even though I know what it means I wasn't sure what the shadow of the Almighty means. So I went ahead and looked up shadow. There are a lot of means for shadow! This is the one that I think fits the verse perfectly.
Shadow - shelter; protection
So now the verse would be "Whoever takes up residence in the refuge of God will remain in the protection of the Lord." This I can understand.
I was thinking shadow as just well the shadow or in dictionary language "An area that is not or is only partially irradiated or illuminated because of the interception of radiation by an opaque object between the area and the source of radiation." If I didn't know it was about a shadow I would be totally confused rather than just confused by that definition.
If His shadow was just an area separate from Him why would I want to abide there? Thankfully that isn't what it is at all. I am glad that it is His protection.
So, this year I am going to learn what it means to abide in Him and I am pretty exited about learn to.
The first step to do this was to do a search of verses with the word "abide" in them. Here's the verse of the day. "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty." Psalm 91:1.
I went ahead and looked up some of these words to find out what they mean. I looked up "dwells", "shelter", and "abide" because even though I know what they mean I really want to understand the verse.
So according to www.thefreedictionary.com these are there means, or at least the ones that fit the part of speech and the verse.
Dwells - to live as a resident; reside. to exist in a given place or state
Shelter - a refuge; a haven
Abide - to remain in a place. to continue to be sure or firm; endure
So with these definitions the verse can be loosely translated as "Whoever takes up residence in the refuge of God will remain in the shadow of the Lord." That sounds good, and I was about to leave it at that.
I was about to leave the website because I know what "shadow" means. Even though I know what it means I wasn't sure what the shadow of the Almighty means. So I went ahead and looked up shadow. There are a lot of means for shadow! This is the one that I think fits the verse perfectly.
Shadow - shelter; protection
So now the verse would be "Whoever takes up residence in the refuge of God will remain in the protection of the Lord." This I can understand.
I was thinking shadow as just well the shadow or in dictionary language "An area that is not or is only partially irradiated or illuminated because of the interception of radiation by an opaque object between the area and the source of radiation." If I didn't know it was about a shadow I would be totally confused rather than just confused by that definition.
If His shadow was just an area separate from Him why would I want to abide there? Thankfully that isn't what it is at all. I am glad that it is His protection.
So, this year I am going to learn what it means to abide in Him and I am pretty exited about learn to.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)