When I finish a book Bible I ask God what He wants me to read next. I recently finished Matthew and asked the question. Before I had the question out of my mouth I heard "Ezekiel". Honestly, I didn't love the answer so I rephrased the question. "God, since I've finished this book what other book should I...." "Ezekiel" came the answer again. So I tried a third time, "if no other book is the answer it will come to me. I'll just wait." Crickets! Big sigh, "okay, Ezekiel it is."
Now, there is nothing wrong with the book, but I really wanted Him to tell me to read a good history book instead. So I started reading it and it wasn't long before God spoke to me through it. In chapter 2 I read, "Be not afraid of their words, nor be dismayed at their looks, for they are a rebellious house. And you shall speak my words to them, whether they hear or refuse to hear, for they are a rebellious house." (verses 5-7)
God was sending Ezekiel to speak to the rebellious people of Judah. God knew that they would be hardhearted and wouldn't listen. God still sends people speak to others, speak the Truth, and He knows that they will not listen. I reread these verses, actually the chapter, because I really felt that God was talking to me.
This book is named Even If My Voice Shakes for a reason. God has asked me to speak the words that He has given to me, to share the lessons that He has taught me. He doesn't want me to stop speaking because the readers decide they don't like what I'm saying and stop reading. He doesn't want me to stop because it is something hard and it makes me anxious and even fearful to share. He is calling me to speak the Truth, regardless of the reader's response. God doesn't stop speaking because people don't want to hear the Truth. He speaks and gives us the chance, sometimes many chances, to hear and turn away from the wrong path and hardness of heart that keeps us from Him. I have to be obedient and share what He tells me to.
I am not saying that everything that I think or say is from God. It certainly isn't, yet when I know He is speaking then I need to speak His Word.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Let the Warning Sound Blow
I recently finished reading The Harbinger by Jonathan Cahn. It was fascinating to see the correlation between an ancient vow made by Israel and what has happened in America in the last few years. The one idea that kept going through my mind was "when things happen why do we try to fix it ourselves? Why don't we see them as warnings from God?" So often we see the bad things as attacks from satan, and they are, but they are also opportunities. Opportunities that can bring us closer to God, turn us away from bad choices, and protection from continuing down a path that will lead us astray.
Yet we don't see the good. We tend to focus on the bad, the attacks of satan. It is true that satan is attacking us, he is trying to separate us from God. He wants to keep us down, hurt, feeling guilty, feeling alone. But the Word says that God uses all things for good, even the attacks of satan, maybe especially the attacks of satan.
One of my favorite parts of the book came at the very end. The prophet was telling the main character about the warnings given in ancient times. When a danger was approaching a city the watchmen would pull out a ram's horn and blow it in warning. He asked how this would sound. The answer was simple: "jarring, disturbing, ominous".
The conversation continues with an explanation of why it needs to be that way. The prophet states that it needs to be that way to wake up the sleeping. Then he asks would it be better not to sound the warning because it is unpleasant and the people would not like it. Of course the answer is that the alarm needed to be sounded. Would the people have rather been killed or captured than inconvenienced by the horrible sound of the warning? Of course they would rather be inconvenienced, it's a no brainer.
Today we don't see the need for a watchman's warning sound. We get mad to be disturbed from our comfortable lives. We don't want to be told that we are being complacent and need to wake up to danger. We don't want to know that we are making bad choices, letting in corruptible influences, or are just plain old being blind to the evil around us. We rise up and rebuke the enemy without considering what warning God is trying to give us. We get counselling to fix us (not that counselling can't help, but only He is the answer) without looking to the Spirit to show us what He is trying to do in us. We get defensive and start spouting all the things we are doing right, whether those things line up with God and His Word or just what man considers good or not. We get religious or worldly and don't consider how we need to get in relationship with Him.
I am guilty of this as much as anyone. I want to just blame it all on satan and not heed the warning. Instead, I want to be open to see and hear the warning in the jarring, disturbing, and ominous things that happen to me and in me. I want to heed the warning and look to God, turn back to God, rest in God and be saved from possible calamity and grow in Him.
Yet we don't see the good. We tend to focus on the bad, the attacks of satan. It is true that satan is attacking us, he is trying to separate us from God. He wants to keep us down, hurt, feeling guilty, feeling alone. But the Word says that God uses all things for good, even the attacks of satan, maybe especially the attacks of satan.
One of my favorite parts of the book came at the very end. The prophet was telling the main character about the warnings given in ancient times. When a danger was approaching a city the watchmen would pull out a ram's horn and blow it in warning. He asked how this would sound. The answer was simple: "jarring, disturbing, ominous".
The conversation continues with an explanation of why it needs to be that way. The prophet states that it needs to be that way to wake up the sleeping. Then he asks would it be better not to sound the warning because it is unpleasant and the people would not like it. Of course the answer is that the alarm needed to be sounded. Would the people have rather been killed or captured than inconvenienced by the horrible sound of the warning? Of course they would rather be inconvenienced, it's a no brainer.
Today we don't see the need for a watchman's warning sound. We get mad to be disturbed from our comfortable lives. We don't want to be told that we are being complacent and need to wake up to danger. We don't want to know that we are making bad choices, letting in corruptible influences, or are just plain old being blind to the evil around us. We rise up and rebuke the enemy without considering what warning God is trying to give us. We get counselling to fix us (not that counselling can't help, but only He is the answer) without looking to the Spirit to show us what He is trying to do in us. We get defensive and start spouting all the things we are doing right, whether those things line up with God and His Word or just what man considers good or not. We get religious or worldly and don't consider how we need to get in relationship with Him.
I am guilty of this as much as anyone. I want to just blame it all on satan and not heed the warning. Instead, I want to be open to see and hear the warning in the jarring, disturbing, and ominous things that happen to me and in me. I want to heed the warning and look to God, turn back to God, rest in God and be saved from possible calamity and grow in Him.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Onion Peeling
Ever peel away the layers of an onion? I have, well I started to. Slowly I have removed layer upon seemingly endless layer of onion. As I got closer and closer to the center of the onion I got frustrated and just pulled the layers apart. Sometimes I feel just like that onion.
God starts peeling away layers of my life. He slowly removes things from my life that don't need to be there. They might be fears, hurts, or even people that He peels away. There are times when I welcome the peeling, but most times I don't. Even though I know the removals are going to bring healing and freedom, I also know they are going to hurt. They are going to take me out of my distorted comfort zone. They are going to make me see things and admit to things in my life that I may have buried years ago or even just recently, but I wanted them to remain buried.
In the last few weeks I have felt some of these peelings happening. Part of me wants to rejoice, and part of me wants to go running through the streets screaming at the top of my lungs. I guess I figure the running and screaming thing will get me committed or something. No matter which way I want to react I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is God at work.
This morning I said a strange little prayer, "Lord please peel away a layer." I don't think I have ever asked for anything in a prayer like that before. I have asked Him to make me more like Him, which would result in peeling, but I have never asked for peeling. I want freedom in a certain area, a major area, of my life. I want to move forward and I don't want to waste anymore time doing so. So I have asked a daring request and let the peeling begin.
God starts peeling away layers of my life. He slowly removes things from my life that don't need to be there. They might be fears, hurts, or even people that He peels away. There are times when I welcome the peeling, but most times I don't. Even though I know the removals are going to bring healing and freedom, I also know they are going to hurt. They are going to take me out of my distorted comfort zone. They are going to make me see things and admit to things in my life that I may have buried years ago or even just recently, but I wanted them to remain buried.
In the last few weeks I have felt some of these peelings happening. Part of me wants to rejoice, and part of me wants to go running through the streets screaming at the top of my lungs. I guess I figure the running and screaming thing will get me committed or something. No matter which way I want to react I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is God at work.
This morning I said a strange little prayer, "Lord please peel away a layer." I don't think I have ever asked for anything in a prayer like that before. I have asked Him to make me more like Him, which would result in peeling, but I have never asked for peeling. I want freedom in a certain area, a major area, of my life. I want to move forward and I don't want to waste anymore time doing so. So I have asked a daring request and let the peeling begin.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Dealing With Stuff I Didn't Even Know Was Still There
Do you ever feel like no one gets you? Yea, I know you do. I think we all do. I know there are times when I don't get other people. I don't understand decisions they make, words they use, or how they just acceptt things without hesitation.
This past week I did a spiritual gifts test. I've done similar ones before, but somehow this one clicked for me. Maybe it was that I did it with people I knew and knew me. It was good to discuss what their tests showed about them and what it showed about me. Previously I had done the tests by myself or with people I did not know. But it was more than just being with people I know. I finally understood some things about me. A bit of how I work came to light.
There is more to me than that though. I have a childhood that has shaped things in me, both good and bad. I know we all have, but we tend to either have more good or more bad shaped in us. Some children actually live really good lives, with good parents, and very few trials of childhood. I would think that wasn't true, because it wasn't always true for me. I would think that is just a myth, but I know someone, actually a few someones, who had that kind of childhood. I still am a bit amazed by that. I work with kids and see some who come from hard places, hard homes, and then I see the ones whose lives are practically perfect. I can practically picture their futures based on what I see now.
I do not know what struggles they will face in the future, and their childhoods don't have to define it anyway. Yet for many of us it does, both good and bad. I know that God has healed some things from my childhood, things that affected my adulthood. Yet, there is more healing for Him to do.
Unfortunately, the feelings of being misunderstood are still there. Yesterday, I ended up spending the last few hours of the day crying and crying. The experiences of my childhood and my main spiritual gift ran smack into a suggestion that affected me in a way that I didn't see coming. My response was "no". It was a no brainer for me. But the aftereffects of emotions were not expected. I certainly didn't expect to have the feelings.
They spoke things to me that I thought were gone, but were really just buried. They made me admit some things that I thought I had overcome. They made me admit a major truth of something I believe. A hard, hurtful truth. Not what I believe is true, because it isn't. I mean I truly believe it and I need God to deal with it.
I wished that others understood me and wouldn't have even even made the suggestion. At first my reaction was directed at a person. I wished that I was understood better and then maybe it wouldn't have even been made. Then I realized it really had nothing to do with anyone else. God uses everything, e-very-thing, to work His purposes. He was doing some heart work, He is doing some heart work. Not sure how this is going to go. I am still reeling from the feelings and know God is still working on my heart. Hopefully, soon, healing and Truth will bring the healing that God is bringing.
This living a life of letting God heal your heart is not easy, but it is so worth it.
This past week I did a spiritual gifts test. I've done similar ones before, but somehow this one clicked for me. Maybe it was that I did it with people I knew and knew me. It was good to discuss what their tests showed about them and what it showed about me. Previously I had done the tests by myself or with people I did not know. But it was more than just being with people I know. I finally understood some things about me. A bit of how I work came to light.
There is more to me than that though. I have a childhood that has shaped things in me, both good and bad. I know we all have, but we tend to either have more good or more bad shaped in us. Some children actually live really good lives, with good parents, and very few trials of childhood. I would think that wasn't true, because it wasn't always true for me. I would think that is just a myth, but I know someone, actually a few someones, who had that kind of childhood. I still am a bit amazed by that. I work with kids and see some who come from hard places, hard homes, and then I see the ones whose lives are practically perfect. I can practically picture their futures based on what I see now.
I do not know what struggles they will face in the future, and their childhoods don't have to define it anyway. Yet for many of us it does, both good and bad. I know that God has healed some things from my childhood, things that affected my adulthood. Yet, there is more healing for Him to do.
Unfortunately, the feelings of being misunderstood are still there. Yesterday, I ended up spending the last few hours of the day crying and crying. The experiences of my childhood and my main spiritual gift ran smack into a suggestion that affected me in a way that I didn't see coming. My response was "no". It was a no brainer for me. But the aftereffects of emotions were not expected. I certainly didn't expect to have the feelings.
They spoke things to me that I thought were gone, but were really just buried. They made me admit some things that I thought I had overcome. They made me admit a major truth of something I believe. A hard, hurtful truth. Not what I believe is true, because it isn't. I mean I truly believe it and I need God to deal with it.
I wished that others understood me and wouldn't have even even made the suggestion. At first my reaction was directed at a person. I wished that I was understood better and then maybe it wouldn't have even been made. Then I realized it really had nothing to do with anyone else. God uses everything, e-very-thing, to work His purposes. He was doing some heart work, He is doing some heart work. Not sure how this is going to go. I am still reeling from the feelings and know God is still working on my heart. Hopefully, soon, healing and Truth will bring the healing that God is bringing.
This living a life of letting God heal your heart is not easy, but it is so worth it.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Fiery Darts
The truth is the glass is half empty and half full. We spend time trying to figure which way we look at the glass, but it's both. It's not one or the other. Yes, the optimistic person sees it as half full and the pessimist sees it as half empty. But is that really the point? I don't think so. I think it is about the fact that it is both.
Why is that important? Well, on the way to work today I was thinking about how I need to learn from the fiery darts of the enemy. They are bad and meant to kill. But they also are good. What? Yup, they are good.
You see satan meant them for bad. He thinks they will get us off track. He thinks they will destroy us. God however, will turn those darts for good. He uses them to get us off a track that we shouldn't even be on. He uses them to drive us back towards Him. He uses them to chip away at something that shouldn't been in our lives. He uses them to bring freedom, peace, and life.
Those darts are like the glass. The glass is both half empty and half full. Those darts are both sent by the evil one and redeemed by the Holy One. I wish that the darts weren't necessary. They hurt! They bring out things I want buried deep. The pain though can be a healing pain and that I do want. I do want God to do a work in me. I want Him to chip away at the things in my life that do not belong there. I want them to drive me closer to Him.
I am not going to lie. I do not like the darts. Occasionally after I pray a prayer to become more like Him, I instantly regret it. I think, "oh man, what did I just pray for!" Lately, this has been the case. I have a problem with emotions. I am not overly emotional, just the opposite. But that is not where God wants me to be. That's not where I want to be. The last few days darts have been flying. This morning one hit home and hard. I was at work so crying really wasn't an option, but I did let myself feel the pain. I didn't try to convince myself that it was bad to feel it. Satan meant to take me out with that dart. He was unsuccessful. Instead, I let myself feel the pain, even though I couldn't express it then. And, most importantly, I turned to God and shot a quick prayer to Him and He heard me. He gave me a peace. That is the most important point. He took the dart and He won. The best part is He always wins. Now it's time to walk in it.
Why is that important? Well, on the way to work today I was thinking about how I need to learn from the fiery darts of the enemy. They are bad and meant to kill. But they also are good. What? Yup, they are good.
You see satan meant them for bad. He thinks they will get us off track. He thinks they will destroy us. God however, will turn those darts for good. He uses them to get us off a track that we shouldn't even be on. He uses them to drive us back towards Him. He uses them to chip away at something that shouldn't been in our lives. He uses them to bring freedom, peace, and life.
Those darts are like the glass. The glass is both half empty and half full. Those darts are both sent by the evil one and redeemed by the Holy One. I wish that the darts weren't necessary. They hurt! They bring out things I want buried deep. The pain though can be a healing pain and that I do want. I do want God to do a work in me. I want Him to chip away at the things in my life that do not belong there. I want them to drive me closer to Him.
I am not going to lie. I do not like the darts. Occasionally after I pray a prayer to become more like Him, I instantly regret it. I think, "oh man, what did I just pray for!" Lately, this has been the case. I have a problem with emotions. I am not overly emotional, just the opposite. But that is not where God wants me to be. That's not where I want to be. The last few days darts have been flying. This morning one hit home and hard. I was at work so crying really wasn't an option, but I did let myself feel the pain. I didn't try to convince myself that it was bad to feel it. Satan meant to take me out with that dart. He was unsuccessful. Instead, I let myself feel the pain, even though I couldn't express it then. And, most importantly, I turned to God and shot a quick prayer to Him and He heard me. He gave me a peace. That is the most important point. He took the dart and He won. The best part is He always wins. Now it's time to walk in it.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Sometimes You Just Need To
I have been debating for about two weeks now whether or not to go to a baby shower tomorrow. The shower is for one of my favorite friends and I adored her. So why wouldn't I go to her baby shower? Simply because it would not be good for my emotional health.
Baby showers, weddings, engagement announcements, bridal showers, and the million of Facebook statuses and photos often send me into an emotional tailspin. I went to a shower for a co-worker several months ago and it took me awhile to recover. Then once she had the baby my whole team decided we need to go over and see him. Ugh! That wasn't an easy adventure. The baby was sweet and I was the first to hold him. I couldn't pass him off fast enough. Holding that baby set me back for a few days.
The last wedding I attended, coincidentally the same friend who is having the shower, I cried all the way home and then some more when I got there. Honestly, how I didn't get in an accident I do not know. There were a lot of windy back roads.
Was I happy for my friend? Overjoyed for her. She is an amazing person and God brought her the perfect husband for her. I was thrilled for her, and yet my heart broke all over the place. Was I happy for my co-worker and her newborn son? Of course! She is the sweetest, kindest person and I think she's great. Yet it hurt badly to hold that child. It was hard to comment about how sweet he was as my eyes burned and longed to cry.
This past Christmas I turned down a trip to Disney World, some place I enjoy. My brother and his family invited me along. I told them "no thank you". How do you tell someone that going on family vacations rips my heart in two?
I have decided. I am not going to go to the shower. I will give my friend a gift for her soon-to-arrive daughter, but I can't go. I have to make the decision based on the effect going would have on my heart, my emotions. I hope she will be understanding, even if she can't really understand the why of it.
Sometimes you just need to do what is best for you. For me, this is one of those times.
Baby showers, weddings, engagement announcements, bridal showers, and the million of Facebook statuses and photos often send me into an emotional tailspin. I went to a shower for a co-worker several months ago and it took me awhile to recover. Then once she had the baby my whole team decided we need to go over and see him. Ugh! That wasn't an easy adventure. The baby was sweet and I was the first to hold him. I couldn't pass him off fast enough. Holding that baby set me back for a few days.
The last wedding I attended, coincidentally the same friend who is having the shower, I cried all the way home and then some more when I got there. Honestly, how I didn't get in an accident I do not know. There were a lot of windy back roads.
Was I happy for my friend? Overjoyed for her. She is an amazing person and God brought her the perfect husband for her. I was thrilled for her, and yet my heart broke all over the place. Was I happy for my co-worker and her newborn son? Of course! She is the sweetest, kindest person and I think she's great. Yet it hurt badly to hold that child. It was hard to comment about how sweet he was as my eyes burned and longed to cry.
This past Christmas I turned down a trip to Disney World, some place I enjoy. My brother and his family invited me along. I told them "no thank you". How do you tell someone that going on family vacations rips my heart in two?
I have decided. I am not going to go to the shower. I will give my friend a gift for her soon-to-arrive daughter, but I can't go. I have to make the decision based on the effect going would have on my heart, my emotions. I hope she will be understanding, even if she can't really understand the why of it.
Sometimes you just need to do what is best for you. For me, this is one of those times.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Words Hurt
Yesterday someone said something that was like a dagger to my heart. The comment wasn't meant to be, but it was. I was explaining a health issue when the comment was made. "It could be premenopause."
Just like that, the knife that never feels far from my heart, was twisted. Of course, it didn't get better. She proceeded to say "hey, it happens. You're getting up there you know." Yes, insensitive, is the word I was thinking of too.
The comment made my thinking, my negative thinking, go into overdrive. My thoughts go to the one thing that I have always wanted, for as long as I can remember, to be a mom. The desires and dreams rush through my thoughts and crash in a heap. Yes, I know how old I am. I don't need to be reminded that I'm "getting up there". I don't need to be reminded that the only real dream I have ever had is quickly becoming an empty dream.
This experience surpassed all the times that I've been told that all my students are like my children. Said, each and every time, by mothers. Yeah, that compares with giving birth, or adopting a child, and being their mom for their whole life. Yup, 10 months with a child is the same thing. No, it isn't the same thing at all, not even close.
Last week something else happened and it hurt my heart too. I realized that no one knew it. No one has any idea that it hurts me. Someone loses a loved one and people are sensitive to their loss. They understand that something, even something innocent, can bring up painful thoughts and memories for the person. People are sympathetic. However, when you have a heart pain that people can't see and don't understand, you don't get that sympathy. I realized then that my suffering may never be understood, except by the others who experience it too. I know I am not the only one. I understand that and in many ways I know that means I have suffer in silence. God is the only one who hears my heart and really knows my pain.
I try to just forget about, move on, let it go. Sometimes that just doesn't work. I was busy pinning on Pinterest and knew that I needed to write about it. I ignored it until I couldn't ignore it any longer. So, I just said, "okay God, I'll write." I don't know why He asks me to do this. I don't really enjoy putting stuff like this out there. I understand we all have hurts, and some of us have unfulfilled dreams, longings. I guess sometimes it is important to let others know that they're not alone. Maybe that's the point of this post. Maybe it is just a chance for me to let some of the hurt out. Maybe God is telling me to acknowledge my pain and not ignore it, I am very good at that.
Do I know that God will fulfill my heart's desire? No, I don't know that. I know that some people never get their desire fulfilled, even people who love God and live for Him. What I do know is that He is with me, even in the pain.
Just like that, the knife that never feels far from my heart, was twisted. Of course, it didn't get better. She proceeded to say "hey, it happens. You're getting up there you know." Yes, insensitive, is the word I was thinking of too.
The comment made my thinking, my negative thinking, go into overdrive. My thoughts go to the one thing that I have always wanted, for as long as I can remember, to be a mom. The desires and dreams rush through my thoughts and crash in a heap. Yes, I know how old I am. I don't need to be reminded that I'm "getting up there". I don't need to be reminded that the only real dream I have ever had is quickly becoming an empty dream.
This experience surpassed all the times that I've been told that all my students are like my children. Said, each and every time, by mothers. Yeah, that compares with giving birth, or adopting a child, and being their mom for their whole life. Yup, 10 months with a child is the same thing. No, it isn't the same thing at all, not even close.
Last week something else happened and it hurt my heart too. I realized that no one knew it. No one has any idea that it hurts me. Someone loses a loved one and people are sensitive to their loss. They understand that something, even something innocent, can bring up painful thoughts and memories for the person. People are sympathetic. However, when you have a heart pain that people can't see and don't understand, you don't get that sympathy. I realized then that my suffering may never be understood, except by the others who experience it too. I know I am not the only one. I understand that and in many ways I know that means I have suffer in silence. God is the only one who hears my heart and really knows my pain.
I try to just forget about, move on, let it go. Sometimes that just doesn't work. I was busy pinning on Pinterest and knew that I needed to write about it. I ignored it until I couldn't ignore it any longer. So, I just said, "okay God, I'll write." I don't know why He asks me to do this. I don't really enjoy putting stuff like this out there. I understand we all have hurts, and some of us have unfulfilled dreams, longings. I guess sometimes it is important to let others know that they're not alone. Maybe that's the point of this post. Maybe it is just a chance for me to let some of the hurt out. Maybe God is telling me to acknowledge my pain and not ignore it, I am very good at that.
Do I know that God will fulfill my heart's desire? No, I don't know that. I know that some people never get their desire fulfilled, even people who love God and live for Him. What I do know is that He is with me, even in the pain.
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