Infection Removal and the Emotions It Causes

The worst part about starting this blog is sometimes I feel the absolute need to post experiences that I don't understand and would rather not even be going through. This is one of those posts.

I am really good at building walls. I mean really good! I have stood on the podium and accepted my medal with the best of them. Living behind the wall has a feeling of a measure of comfort, a security. But it isn't really comfort or security, it's just a prison. There are certain walls I built almost thirty years ago and have worked hard over the years reinforcing and strengthening the bricks. Two months ago I asked God to help me tear down a wall. I cried out to Him with tears streaming down my face and told Him I didn't care which wall, but I just needed one to come down. Well, He answered.

The feeling of having that wall fall was exhilarating, the joy was immeasurable. I functioned on joyful adrenalin for about two weeks. I felt like I was flying. The line from a song (I am so bad with names of songs) was so true for me. "It's like my soul is flying while my feet are on the ground" That was how I felt until the heart surgery started.

Last Sunday, I felt Him start to do some work, and it hurts. I am no doctor, but I know that sometimes for healing to take place the infection needs to be dealt with, the dead tissue needs to be removed. That is the stage that I am in right now. All, I can say for certain is that it hurts, it hurts more than I believe I can handle. I feel raw! It feels like there is no anesthetics being used, although I am sure that God is shielding me from some of the pain that would kill me, emotionally, spiritually. Still the pain is so great I am not sure that I can endure this.

But I have to.

I have to because I so desperately want to be whole. I truly want to have healthy, loving relationships. I want to experience all the blessings that He has for me. I want to live an abundant life. Yet, I need to know how to endure through this stage.

Last night, I cried, no I bawled myself to sleep. This has been a normal occurrence over this past week. In the seven days between Sunday and Saturday, I only went tear-free one day. Oh how that one day was like a vacation from emotional Hell! But yesterday wasn't. Last night I just kept telling Him that I had no idea how to survive this. I begged Him to show me how to do this; how to deal with the feelings and not run back to that broken wall and put the pieces back together into some make-shift wall.

The emotions I am dealing with I haven't really experienced, at least not to this magnitude, since I was twelve or thirteen years-old. I feel jealousy, and I hate it. I come home after spending time with friends, or even just being at work, and I feel such loneliness that I feel like I'm drowning in it. I hate being alone, it hurts so much. I cry until my throat hurts and my eyes feel swollen shut.

I know some people are thinking of the answer. The religious ritual to perform. The words to speak to make it all go away. I don't want to sound rude, but you don't know what you are talking about!

When I was in middle school I had horrible ingrown toenails. They were so bad that the nails even grow out the side of my toe, yes the image you just got was disgusting! They were so painful and ugly. The infection was oozy and painful. I needed to have surgery, but the infection had to be dealt with beforehand. I needed to take medicine, soak my feet, and clean out the infection; I even had to stay in the hospital for a few days. The cleaning part hurt, but I needed it gone. Without the work to remove the infection I couldn't have the surgery, so it was needed.

I need to clean out the infection and dead tissue in my heart. I need to let the Great Physician do the necessary work to perform that. I do not want to go back behind the wall. Yes, the pain would lessen, but it would just be dull, not gone. I don't want to live a dull life. There is no quick fix. No infomercial, miracle product that can make this go away. As painful as the process is, I need to go through the healing. I need to be free.

To those who are near to me, both physically and in our hearts, please be patient with me as I travel this emotional roller-coaster. I hate the needy feelings that I am going through, but I need to let them be known, even when I don't understand them, even hate them. I want to be free and I want to have an abundant life filled with close, good relationships with you. Thank you for being with me through this, even though you don't understand and get frustrated. Thank you! I love you!

Mental Battles

When I am at work, teaching my students, correcting papers, and planning my thoughts revolve around my work. Those hours can be long, can be stressful, but they are also full of joy, full of times with friends and sweet children. It's when I walk across the parking lot and climb into my car that the mental battles can begin.

Not, everyday of course. Many days I climb into my car and just go home. But some days, today, I get in the car and the mental battle begins. My mind was whirling in two different directions. I tried to focus on something else, and then I knew that I needed to come home a blog about it. The battle ended.

So what was the first direction? It was the fact that I was going home alone to an empty home. It is full of sweet furry babies, but that's not enough some days. I recently did a Love Languages assessment and found that mine is quality time. Of course, that seems ironic since I spend most of my time by myself. Yet, deep down I long for time with others. I know that I need to be with others, especially when my mind starts battling. But another area I struggle with is letting my needs to be known. So of course, I want to spend time with others, but I have trouble letting other people know that. So my brain battled my feeling lonely and not being able to reach out for help.

The second direction is about football. I know, what you're thinking, but it really sent my mind whirling. When I was a kid growing up in Dolgeville, NY, going to the high school football game was the thing. The high school didn't have lights so Saturday afternoons were spent on the hill watching the game. The hill was the home side of the field. There were no bleachers and fans moved with the ball. The field was just down the hill and the visitors' side had bleachers, but we watched from the hill. Even when I went to Christian school I would go to the games with my friends. When they played Little Falls we would go the minor league baseball field and the game was played in the outfield, under the lights. Those games were always fun. Chilly nights sitting on the metal bleachers were a enjoyable time.

I loved watching football on TV. I remember a middle school boyfriend coming over on a Saturday afternoon, eating popcorn, and watching college football. I remember telling him that I thought it would be a perfect way to spend a day, eating popcorn and watching football. I still think it would be a great way to spend a day.

One of my friends mentioned that she and her husband are going to the game tonight. The high school we feed into is playing their rival school tonight. My first thought was, "I'd love to go to that game." But then the thought made me sad. Memories of watching some football games a few years ago came to my mind. I realized that I would be sad watching a high school game knowing that a certain player wouldn't be there. Knowing that he would be playing a game this weekend but that it would be far away.

Football season makes me happy, especially when I'm watching my 49ers play, but it also makes me sad. It makes me think about what was and what isn't.

So my mental battle could have raged on, and I'm not going to say that I still don't feel lonely and I still don't miss what isn't, but I know that God is working on me. I am still a work in progress, but I am so glad that He is still working on making me the person He created me to be.

Refined Like Silver

I know some of you may have already read the story below, but I think it's a good one.

Some time ago, a few ladies met to study the scriptures. While reading the third chapter of Malachi, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse:

    "And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver" (Malachi 3:3).

One lady decided to visit a silversmith, and report to the others on what he said about the subject.

She went accordingly, and without telling him the reason for her visit, begged the silversmith to tell her about the process of refining silver. After he had fully described it to her, she asked, "Sir, do you sit while the work of refining is going on?"

"Oh, yes ma'am," replied the silversmith; "I must sit and watch the furnace constantly, for, if the time necessary for refining is exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured."

The lady at once saw the beauty and comfort of the expression, "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

God sees it necessary to put His children into the furnace; but His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us. Our trials do not come at random, and He will not let us be tested beyond what we can endure.

Before she left, the lady asked one final question, "How do you know when the process is complete?"

"That's quite simple," replied the silversmith. "When I can see my own image in the silver, the refining process is finished."

-Author Unknown

I really like this story because I find a whole lot of my life has felt like being in the furnace. It hasn't always been pleasant, and sometimes down right painful. There have been moments when I've cried out and wondered why. There have been times when I have wanted God to just stop the process, but I have begged Him not to. I have begged Him to continue the process, to finish the refining, even though it is horribly hard. When I read the story above I realize that I want to be a piece of beautiful silver, silver that reflects God. I certainly don't want to be some cast-off lump that was ruined because it never made it through the refining process. I don't want it to be because of too many impurities that I wouldn't let Him remove. 

I want all that God has for me. I want to be the person that He created me to be. I want to reflect Him. Therefor, I must continue to be refined. 

Ironic!

This past weekend I had a huge breakthrough. One a long time coming, but this post isn't about that. Just know that I am a different person than I was a few days ago. This post is about a "test" I took today.

I have a group of Besties (BFFs) that I meet with each Monday evening. We examine aspects of our lives, going deep and talking about tough stuff like feelings, we talk about Jesus, and we study the Bible. This evening we decided to take the Five Love Languages Quiz. It is interesting to see what every one's love language, and some are not surprising at all.

My love language is Quality Time. Here's the brief descriptor, "For those whose love language is spoken with Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you" like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there - with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby - makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful." from The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.

Now, I like undivided attention, but I think quality time can be watching TV or going to the movies. I think it can be eating dinner together. I even think it can be silent and still be quality time. I do want people to focus on our time together though. I really don't like time to be postpones either.

The failure to listen part I think is ironic since I have struggled with sharing for such a long time. I always wanted people to put in enough time with me to get comfortable to start talking. Of course, that rarely happened. So I never got to talk and that hurt me. If I could have spoken then I think people would have listened. Remember earlier I said I have had a breakthrough? Well, I think that won't be a problem anymore.

That was ironic, but the whole idea that my love language is Quality Time is ironic, because I tend to live more in Isolation Time (or I did!). That is ironic and sad. I needed that quality time with others but instead of being able to receive love I isolated myself so I couldn't. No wonder I felt unloved most of the time! I needed time with others and I deprived myself from it. Well, like I said before, no more.

I guess it is no longer ironic, because I now crave quality time with others and they might want me to shut up, but they will be out of luck!

And the Walls Come Tumbling Down, But What's Your Choice?

A couple of days ago I had a hard conversation with a friend. It was hard for me, because I had to be vulnerable. That is definitely NOT my strong suit. At one point during our conversation I felt a wall fall, literally fall. It was a very freeing feeling, and a feeling I look forward to having again. The process for a wall to fall is not always pleasant but the falling is so worth it.

Anyway, as I felt the wall fall I had to make a choice. At that moment, I thought of a story I heard as a child. A friend of my Mom's was telling a story of the time they got a dog from the pet store. Now this family lived on a farm so they had dogs, but this was their one experience with getting a dog from a pet store. Why only one? Well, because the dog walked and even ran around and around as if he was still in a cage. This poor thing had lived so long in a cage he didn't know how to run freely.

As that wall fell, I had a moment to make a decision. I could have stayed right behind that collapsed wall, or I could cross over the rumble and walk freely. It seems like that would be an obvious choice, but just like the dog, if you have lived for so long behind the wall it's hard to imagine another way to live. I made the choice to step over the rumble and reached out to my friend. I know it's only been a couple of days, but it is good. It is really good!

So when you experience a wall falling you have a choice to make too. Step over the fallen debris or stay there watching the world from behind it, which will you choose? I plan to choose to be steppin'!

Freedom in the Yoke

This has been a theme for me lately. Freedom. I, among so many others, struggle with being free. All of us have our own aspects of bondage that we need to be free of. And, at least to us, there seems to be a wide range of bondage. Some are bound by alcohol or drug addictions. Some are bound people that control and manipulate them. Some are bound by past trauma and tragedy. Some are bound by greed or lust. Some are bound by the need to be perfect. Some are bound by their children, trying to fulfill their every want. Some are bound by lack. Some are bound by having much.

It seems like some of these are worse bondage than others, but I wonder if satan likes us viewing it that way. If you are bound you are bound. Does it really matter if it is drugs or greed? Does it really matter if it is past tragedy or the need to be perfect? Some how I don't think so. I think bound is bound. Satan wants us comparing ourselves to others so he wants us comparing our bondage to others. He makes us think that we aren't as bad as others so we don't fight for freedom as if it was worse. He makes us think that we are so much worse off than others so we are too depressed to fight for freedom. Regardless of our bondage we need to experience the freedom of Christ.

I was listening to a message by Lisa Bevere called "Fight Like a Girl" and she was telling a story about her second son. Apparently, this boy was adventurous and would try anything. She said that he rode a bike without training wheels at two. One day he told her that he couldn't do something. She said that it surprised her to see fear in her fearless son. When she prayed about it God spoke to her. (I will try to get the quote right, but it might not be exact.) God responded with, "your children will either get my promises or your fear." She said at that she knew she had to gain freedom of fear for not only her but her children.

I don't have children, but I do have an impact on others. Do I want that impact on others to impress on them my bondage or Christ's freedom? I want to be acting in His freedom. Now the question is how to do I get it?

I think there are any number of verses I could focus to help answer this question, but the ones I'm going with are: "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, an learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Instead of focusing on our bondage, on our burden, we are to take on His. He doesn't ask us to cast off our own yokes. He doesn't ask us to fix ourselves first. He just asks us to come to Him and take on His yoke, which is easy. So how do we do that? I think we just come to Him and tell Him that we need Him. We need Him to guide us and that we want to take on His yoke, His direction, and we want to find rest in Him. Does that mean that we'll be free instantly, probably not, because following directions is a process. But I would rather go through His process, even though it is so hard at times, than continue on in bondage.

So Is It For Us or Not?

There is something I have been thinking about for awhile. I know there are some differing of opinions on this topic because I have heard them. I know this post will not be liked by some. Oh well, I think the name of this blog indicates that I will write it anyway.

This is what I have been thinking about, is what is written in the Bible for us or not? Now, before you freak out here is why I have been thinking on it. I have heard people say things like, "God doesn't do that anymore" and "that was just for the people of that time" and similar comments. So obviously there are people who believe that parts of the Bible do not apply to us.

In the Old Testament there are the laws that were given to the Israelites, and they involved sacrifices, people being unclean, and how far people could go or how much they could do on the Sabbath. We are not under these laws today because when Jesus was crucified He fulfilled these laws. There is no longer a need for sacrifices because He was the ultimate sacrifice. Accepting Him makes us clean so we no longer are under the unclean laws either. I could go on considering these laws, but I guess the question could be asked "since those parts of the Bible do not apply to us then maybe other parts don't, right?"

I have heard on more than one occasion people say that one the most quoted verses does not apply to us. You know the one, Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." They say that this verse was written to the Hebrews of that time who were in captivity. Of course, it was, but does that mean that God doesn't know the plans He has for you? Does that mean He doesn't want to give you hope or a future?

People say that God doesn't give the gift of tongues to people anymore. I have even heard people say that God doesn't do miracles anymore. I just wonder why Jesus is the same yesterday and today and tomorrow (Hebrews 13:8) if He can no longer give gifts or perform miracles. I know some of these beliefs are denominational. I know some are believed because it passed down from generation to generation. Some have been preached and are being preached from pulpits any given Sunday.

Now, I want you to know that I believe every single Scripture is the Word of the Lord. I believe He gave promises, and they can be found in both the Old Testament an in the New. I believe that He gave us commands that are supposed to be followed today, like the Ten Commandments of the Old Testament and ones like "Love your neighbor as yourself" that is in Mark.

I know this post will ruffle feathers and anger people. I know that "my pastor says..." will be used to argue counterpoints. I know that some will never read another post that I write. Honestly, that is okay. It is okay because I know that God is the same yesterday and today and tomorrow, and I know His promises, gifts, and principles are still the same as they were when they were written down in the Bible. I also know that this post will make some think and search for the Truth of His Word.

All I ask from you is that you search His Word if you disagree or aren't sure. I ask that you not ask what someone else thinks or believes, but just focus on what He has to say. I ask that you are open to Him and open to what He shows you. I know that is what I need to be. I know that I need to read, and ask, and listen to what He is showing and teaching me. I hope that never stops, and I hope that it is the same for you.