Amazing Dream

Today my Facebook memory popped up with this incredible dream that I had a year ago. I can't believe I forgot that I even had this dream. See I dream a lot. A lot! But many are just bizarre and forget them pretty quickly, but the ones like this one, I usually remember. I'm so glad that I typed this dream up so that it could be a memory for me to see today. I will look forward to this memory popping up on my Facebook each year. 

Here's the post about the dream.

"Last night I had a dream and in it there was a place that I really wanted to be. An authority type explained why I couldn't go there. It wasn't said meanly or anything. It wasn't loud or threatening. It was stated factually. However, fear kicked in and those words that play a loop in my mind started in. Flight was my answer. But when I turned around to flea, I was face to face with myself and before I could react, other me threw arms around me. Other me got right in my ear and whisper, "stop, turn around, stand. This isn't going to turn out as he said." Other me turned me around, gave my shoulders a reassuring squeeze...and then I woke up. 

I know that other me was God's Truth speaking into that place of longing and to that place that lets fear win. I got up and went for my walk and listen to a podcast that "just so happened" to be about listening to the right Voice and used the David and Goliath encounter to make the point. 

I love how God does that! Can't say I'm looking forward to facing this particular giant but I am looking forward to seeing it fall!

Lord, help me stop, turn around, and stand in the face of fear because You are with me."

I know! Such a powerful dream! 

Putting My Feet In

"So when the people set out from their tents to pass over the Jordan with the priests bearing the ark of the covenant before the people, and as soon as those bearing the ark had come as far as the Jordan, and the feet of the priests bearing the ark were dipped in the brink of the water (now the Jordan overflows all its banks throughout the time of harvest), the eaters coming down from above stood and rose up in a heap very far away, at Adam, the city that is beside Zarethan, and those flowing toward the Sea of Arabah, the Salt Sea, were completely cut off. And the people passed over opposite Jericho. Now the priests bearing the ark of the covenant of the LORD stood firmly on dry ground in the midst of the Jordan, and all Israel was passing over on dry ground until all the nation finished passing over the Jordan."

Joshua 3:14-17

I love reading familiar Scripture and seeing something for the first time, or more accurately gaining greater insight from God. I love the book of Joshua. I read it many, many times. As a history lover this book fits that desire to know what happen, but I also love it because it reveals so much about entering in to what God has for a personal Promised Land. 

Joshua 3:14-17 is the end of the chapter in which the Israelites are about to take their first, collective steps into the land promised to their father and mothers. A land promised to their forefather Abraham. The people gather up all they had, which couldn't have been too much since they needed to be able to pack it up and carry it with them as they wondered in the Wilderness. Side note - they couldn't bring in too much baggage. That just struck me. They were to follow the priests into the Jordan River and make their way across. 

The priests were to enter the river, carrying the Ark of the Covenant, and as their feet dipped in the brink of the water the water coming toward them stopped. Not near them, but far away. I wonder if it was too far for them to see the wall of water. Reason would tell me that it would have dried up for a ways downstream considering nothing was flowing into it. I guess that would make it possible for such a large group of people to pass through. 

I wonder this because it is one of the differences I notice about the Israelites' parents and grandparents in their crossing of the Red Sea. In Exodus 14 it states that the water was divided and that there was a wall of water on both the right and the left. Is it because seas and rivers differ in the way they flow? Rivers flow one way, but seas have tides that move in and out. Could that be why the Red Sea has walls on either side, and presumably within sight of the Israelites, and the Jordan is risen up in one very high heap far away? 

Another difference is Moses held a staff over the waters of the Red Sea and God divided the waters. In Joshua, we find that the priests have to entered the water before God divided it. There had to be at least four priests carrying the ark, one for each corner. However, it may have been too heavy for just four men, so maybe there were six or even more.  Why even wonder about how many priests there were? Well, it doesn't say when the first priest dipped in it says when the priests dipped in the brink the waters stopped. So did they all have to be in before it dried up? Or was it just as the first two entered that it dried up? 

The crossing of the two bodies of water have a lot of similarities but when looked at closely, I notice many differences. In one they were being pursued. In another they are entering in as the conquers. In one God shows them right before their eyes the walls of water and in the other, presumably, they don't see the heap of water at all. In both the land is dry. But did one take more faith than the other?

Back to those priests and their feet. They had to entered into the water of a overflowing river. God didn't divide it ahead of time. They had to step in. If it was all the priests who had to enter, imagine the faith the ones farthest in had to have to believe that once the last were in it would stop flowing. Or if it was just the first two, were the first two chosen because they exercised the most faith beforehand and that is why they were first? Either way these men had to be scared to enter an overflowing, probably fast moving, river and have a least mustard seed size faith that God would dry it up for them. The Israelites crossing the Red Sea were gripped by fear of the enemy behind them and no one had to touch water for their rescue to take place. This Joshua group of Israelites had an enemy waiting for them, and in order to press into the promise they had to get their feet wet, at least a handful of them did. 

In my own life, I look to God to provide Red Sea types of crossings. I want to stand there, maybe reach an arm out, and watch the walls of the sea in my life on either side as I move through the way He has created. But that miracle way was for when being pursued. If I want to enter into the promises of God I can't just stand there. I have to take my little mustard seed size faith and step into the waters. The end result is still the same. God still dries up the impossible way so that I can get across.  Next comes either the hurried steps of one being pursued or the hesitant steps of being hopeful as entering into a promise but also knowing there is an enemy and battles to fight up ahead. 

As scary as both are, once across the Red Sea the enemy was destroyed as the walls caved in and water flooded over them. They experienced immediate relief (not that the rest of their journey was easy because we know it wasn't.) Once across the Jordan River the waters start to flow and you have only a few choices: let fear drive you to re-enter the flooding waters and drown; let fear keep you stuck in that spot; or although afraid take the next step into the promise, and the next step, and the next, and the next. You get the point. 

I want to be like the priests who stepped in the raging water, came out on dry land with dry feet, and kept moving forward into the promise and a deeper relationship with God. 

Grieving Again, and Again

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:" Ecclesiastes 3:1

Last night, I cried myself to sleep. I cried because I was grieving something, something deeply personal. This post isn't about what I grieve, but about how important it is to grieve. 

All of us will experience times in our lives when we will grieve, but much of our grieving we do in private and more often than not for private reasons. People expect you to grieve the loss of a loved one. It's "acceptable". Like your grief is looking for acceptance! I've heard, and I'm sure you have too, people say things like, "why are they crying over it still?" or "what is the big deal anyway" or "that was a long time ago, they should be over it by now" or "it's not like she was pregnant enough to get attached". Yeah, I've heard one, actual all of  them and much more. People put conditions on other people's grief, which is why so much of it is done in private. 

Verse 4 of Ecclesiastes 3 says "a time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn; and a time to dance;" God knows that we will have times in our lives when we cry ourselves to sleep. Times when the sadness of loss, in whatever form, will overwhelm us. Solomon, the wisest person ever, wept too. He did, even though it's never mentioned (or at least not that I can think of right now). I know he did, because he was human, and we all experience times of grief. Jesus did. He wept. John 11:35

The fresher the moment the deeper we tend to grieve. Our day feels bookended by our grief and more than likely filled with it too. We move through our grief and find moments of sunshine and laughter in our day. Our tears at night may still be there, but we realize the grieving isn't a constant anymore. We get to a point where the grieving only comes on us when a reminder presents itself. The grief is still there, but the level of intensity is different. 

Once again, that kind of grief is experienced, at some point in life, by all of us. We all have lost and will lose people in our lives that bring these times of grief. But we also have the less acceptable times when we grieve. The times that others actually judge our grief, judge us. 

Hannah cried silently to the Lord and Eli misunderstood and thought she was drunk. He didn't understand that what he witnessed was grieving. Others misunderstand, judge, or even ridicule so much of what we grieve because they don't understand. I don't understand everyone's private area of grief. I don't know all the hurt or sadness that brings the tears. I don't know the desire left unfulfilled that causes their mourning. I don't know their loss of what was or what can never be. I've not experienced what they have, so I can't comprehend the level of grieving it brings. Just because I don't understand theirs doesn't mean I don't understand their need to process through the grief and reprocess that grief when it comes along again, because it always does. That is having empathy. (I'm not going to go into it but personal pet peeve is when people say we need to learn empathy. Empathy isn't born from learning about a person's problems. Empathy comes from personal experience and understanding that others suffer too. It's born from loving people regardless of their problems because I know the hurt I feel for mine is similar to the hurt they feel for theirs. We can learn to sympathize but to empathize, we must experience. Okay, that was a long "not going to go into it".)

What you grieve, literally anything that you grieve, needs time to process through. You need the time. You need the Lord, to heal the deep hurt that caused the grief. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, or whether there is a support group for what causes your grief or not, you need your times to weep, your times to mourn. Don't let your own timetable or anyone else's stop you from grieving. Grieving cut short will only lead to bitterness and anger and despair. Grieve. And understand others' need to grieve, even when you don't understand why they grieve. 

Last night was not the last time I will grieve over my pain. I have experienced this grief for years and know that it may never leave me. But I give myself permission to grieve it every time it needs me to.  

Wake Up Sleeper, Open Your Eyes

I've been pretty quiet for the last year to year and a half. I haven't thought much about blogging during this time, but yesterday I thought about how long it's been since I've consistently posted. I'm not sure if 2021 holds more posts for me or not but I thought January 1st is a good day to write one. 

I'm one of those rare people who dream in non-REM sleep. Yes, we exist. You can google it. I dream in both REM and non-REM states. Dreaming in non-REM feels almost like being awake and those dreams, or at least details from them, tend to stay with me once I wake up. Sometimes the dreams are more verbal than visual. This morning my dream included the words "Wake up sleeper. Open your eyes." playing over and over again, and me, even asleep, feeling like God was speaking to me. When I did wake up the dream stayed and I began to ponder. 

You see each year I ask God for a word or phrase for the year. I did this before the whole One Word thing even started. Now I'm wondering if this is the phrase for 2021? I like it if it is. It won't be easy though, because it's an action phrase. Now that I think about it most of the words or phrases He's given me are. But waking up is something I'd rather not do. See I love to sleep! I love to pull the covers close and snuggle in and dream away. Waking up spiritually can be hard too, because, well it means I have to stop dreaming my way. I need to open my spiritual eyes and see what He wants me to see, to dream, to work towards. Waking up means putting aside a sweet dream and living. Getting out of bed and getting started. It means responsibilities and work. It's no longer focused on the dreams I may have for how my life should go but actually doing the work necessary to live the life He has for me. Which sometimes, thankfully, match up with what I dream. (I feel like I'm trying to talk myself out of thinking about this being my phrase for 2021.)

Yesterday I heard a song for the very first time "Spirit Lead Me" song by Michael Ketterer. (It's not brand new, I've just never heard it.) The words line up with everything I've been experiencing lately. When I heard it, I thought for sure that would be my phrase for the year. Now, I need to get quiet and listen to see which of the two, or something completely different, is the word or phrase for 2021. 

Because it's quite possible that it was simply a dream and my cat, Chester, was sending me wake up messages so I would feed him. 😂

Giving Due to the Right Source

I have had my losses, frustrations, fears, and tears in 2020, but I refuse to give a year any power. 2020 isn't the cause of any misery, it's just the year in which it happened. There is one who likes to hid right under the surface and watch gleefully as people continue to attribute his handiwork to anything and anyone else but him. he doesn't seem to mind never getting the credit. he seems to be quite okay with us thinking it's the storm, the disagreement, the accident, the illness, the whatever and not him. 2020 is simply a number. It has no power at all. The memes and jokes may be funny but I wonder sometimes if he laughs hardest because we keep blaming every bad thing on a series of dates on a calendar and not the evil that he is. I refuse to blame anything else on 2020. I put the blame square on the shoulders of satan.

BUT...

there have been weddings, new babies, new friendships and relationships, new jobs, new homes, promotions, new passions, giving, kindness, renewed relationships, gifts, uplifting, seeking Jesus, miracles, laughs, and cherished memories in this year too. Those things and all the good come from the One and He enjoys us talking about Him and to Him. He longs for relationship with us. He wants us to see Him at work in our lives. He doesn't skulk in the shadows, but He does speak quietly to us. He doesn't cause voices to rise in anger yet loves to hear them rise in joyful laughter, encouraging words, deep meaningful relationship building talks, song, exhortation, and praise.

Let's give blame where it is due, on who deserves it, but then stop feeding it. Instead let's turn our ears and eyes, hearts and minds, and attention and acknowledgment on the One who can take any and all plans of the other one and turn them to Good.

Refuse to let 2020 end without seeing the good that took place. And properly mourn what and who was lost in it. As you mourn and as your reflect, look for the Good and remember to breathe a "thank you" that even in mourning He is there and in rejoicing He is there.

A Year's Journey

A year ago I started a journey. A journey of becoming the woman, the wife, My Beloved needs. My Beloved's identity is still a mystery to me, but over the last 365 days I have fallen in love with him. Yes, I know exactly how insane that sounds! But it's true!

I asked God what I needed to do to become this woman. The first thing I started was to purge. I purged a lot of the stuff that was overwhelming my home. It has been so freeing. I have donated boxes, many boxes, bags, and crates of items. I have thrown away stuff, lots of stuff. I am not done yet. Like I said, it's freeing and I want to have less. I will never be a minimalist, but I certainly will be a lot less-ist. (Yes, I made that up.)

That was a practical change, and a good one, but definitely not the most important one. That change was prayer. I pray for this man. In the past, I prayed for God to bring a man into my life, but I didn't pray for him. I searched Pinterest for prayers for my future husband. I came across a lot of blogs and basic ideas of how to pray for him. Then I found a woman who created 40 prayers for husbands. These prayers involved praying Scripture over him. So for nearly a year, I have prayed one of these prayers over My Beloved almost every day. Now, there were times when I felt sure that they were just words and that I was fooling myself by praying for this "imaginary" man. There were days I felt too sad to pray at all. Doubt plagued my thoughts. Other days, I prayed through the doubt and fear. There were times I cried in fear through each and every word. But most days, thankfully, I pray for him with joy. I pray for him with tears of joy more than ones of fear. And honestly, it is the very best part of my day. I read my daily Scripture and then I pray for My Beloved. My heart loves him so much that I feel like it's going to burst as I pray! Once again, I know how insane that sounds.

The thoughts of how crazy this all is and the feelings of my heart war almost daily. I'm not young and the wait has been long. Like I said, I don't even know who this man is that I pray for. But I do. And  love him. Wow, this post is definitely more honest than I planned for it to be. I was just going to write about the journey, but this blog has brought out the raw in me so many times before, so why should this time be any different.

This year has also been one of the hardest of my life. I don't want to go into that at all, because that's not the point of the journey. But I do believe the struggle is part of this journey. God is using every cruel comment, every judgement, every lie about me, to make me a better person and somehow the better woman, wife, that I need to be for My Beloved. I can't say I understand, or like it, but I am thankful for it. This part of the year's journey is important too.

I would love for the end of this year to bring me face to face with My Beloved, but if God's plan is to continue longer without knowing him then I will take it. I can take it because I trust the One who is taking me on this amazing, crazy, sometimes painful, but also joy-bringing journey. 

Fight or Flight

I think most of us have heard the saying "it's either fight or flight", but I never really understood what it meant. No, I know it means that when faced with a harmful, maybe even deadly situation, hormones kick in and a person or animal either fights to survive or fleas and hopes to survive by getting away. I mean I never understood it until I lived it.

Years ago, I flew! I knocked on a door, heard an angry voice on the other side, handed over the plate of cookies when the door open and then flew. I don't remember deciding to run away. One moment I was trembling as I stood at the open door and the next I was opening my car door. I don't remember anything in between. I've tried but I can't. Do I look back and wish I had stood my ground? There were times I did, but now, more than 10 years later I am so glad I didn't. Not that I'm proud of fleeing, but ultimately it was a situation I did not need to be in.

The other day I felt my emotions start to veer in an unhealthy direction. My mind started into overdrive and a voice told me, "run! Hide deep within yourself! Lock yourself away so you don't have to feel those bad feelings!" And that was when I realized I had flown many a time before. In the past, I hide. When it got too scary to feel strong emotions I hid them deep down. I didn't stand up and fight back. I flew. For years, I lived behind the wall. The wall that hid the real me away from almost everyone. There was a false sense of safety behind that wall. If I dared peek out from behind it and found myself in an emotionally scary situation I dove right back behind it, dusted myself off, and claimed I was safe. But the truth was I wasn't safe at all. I was living in a perpetual state of fear. God broke that wall down. But the voice tried to convince me to built the bricks back up again. I only listened to the voice for a moment before I declared, "no!"

That was a much bigger fight moment than if I had put up my fists and punched someone who had threatened me. Let's face it, I can't really punch anyway. I have two brothers and they made it clear when I was younger that I couldn't really punch. But let's just say I could. My standing up to that voice and saying, "no!" was a wallop!

I've come to learn that the "simple" act of standing is fighting. Exodus 14:13-14 has taught me a whole new way to look at fight or flight.

"And Moses said to the people, 'fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will work for you today. For the Egyptians you see today, you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and all you have to do is be silent.'"

This group of recently freed slaves were weak from their years of bondage. They weren't soldiers. They were men, women, and children who stood with their backs against an impassible sea and looking into the billowing dust caused by the Egyptian chariots that came to crush them. I've read that they were surrounded, not by the Egyptians and sea alone, but by a range of rocks that they couldn't climb and possibly a garrison belonging to this same army which came thundering toward them. They really had no way to flee to safety. Any direction they ran in would result in their deaths. God told them not to fear. Fear would make them flee into certain death. So they had to fight and God told them to do so by standing firm. Not get out any weapons they may have had among them. Not dig in. Not get into military formation. Just stand, stand firm in the face of destruction. And then He told to be quiet. I'm sure every woman there wanted to scream out in terror. I'm sure children wanted to cry hysterically. I'm sure even the men wanted to fall to their knees and cry in despair, but God told all of them to be silent. And He made it sound easy, "all you have to do is be silent." Oh, is that all God? Just don't be afraid of this overwhelming enemy; stand before them like we won't get plowed into the ground by their chariot wheels; and don't make a sound!

Yes. That is all.

See, He fights for us. We still have the choice, fight or flight, but one we do all on our own. If we flee, we run right into our own destruction. We run behind walls that hid us in from the bad and also keep us from anything good. We try to climb mountains we were never meant to and we fall time and time again, until we are too broken to even make another attempt. Or we fight. Not with our fists. Not by outshouting our enemy. Not with weapons. Not with war horses or chariots. We fight when we let Him do the battling. The battle belongs to the Lord and all we need to do is fear not, stand firm, and be quiet.